The Illusion

(mentions cutting)

I am feeling like T is an illusion.

He says I am allowed to call/e-mail as much as I want to...and I know that is true. But somehow, I think that has given me the illusion that he is "there" for me. He's not there.

I know I can't expect him to be available after hours and on weekends, and I don't usually. I call/e-mail but I don't expect or ask for a reply. It's just venting. He is good about responding during business hours.

But now it is Sunday and I'm having a hard time. I'm feeling really angry - which is an unfamiliar, uncomfortable, and overwhelming emotion for me. T has encouraged me to feel angry. A bunch of stuff has happened in the past 24 hours and %#@&#! it, now I really AM angry. And I don't feel safe. I want to cut so, so, so, so badly, and I'm trying not to. I'm posting here, I've talked to a friend IRL, I'm cleaning the house, I hit the punching bag in the basement - but the feeling is still there, and I KNOW it would go away if I cut. I called T and asked him to please call me back. I told him I'm having a hard time and trying not to cut. He hasn't called, and I bet he won't. I almost never ask for support on the weekend, and he has NEVER said it's not available - there are no "rules" about it that I'm aware of.

I hate that I reached out for help and he's not giving it to me. And that just makes me angrier and makes me want to cut even MORE. It just sucks.

I guess I'm just venting. I just hate it when something like this happens and I find out that the great wizard is just some little man behind a curtain.

Maybe he will call. My T checks messages (and returns calls) on the weekend, but she only checks three times a day. Maybe your T is like that too? If he's never said he is not available and you asked for a call, then I think he will call.

Keep working on the distracting/coping things. It's hard not to give in, but you can do it.

(((((((((( earthmama ))))))))))

My T has never been available over the weekend. Do you have anyone else you can contact?

It is ok for you to be angry, but not at yourself. Can you find some other way to take out the frustration other than cutting? Years ago someone bought me an indoor rose plant. In times of stress I would cut and prune the rose bush. It was the best pruned rose bush ever!

((earthmama))

I could write volumes about my conversations with T about weekend phone calls. OMG we have had SESSIONS about it. It is such a difficult topic and one that I think you should clarify with T as much as possible. Now, T calls me if I request him to no matter what day it is but he prefers I don't ask for a return call on the weekend unless it's an emergency. So I respect his boundaries.

One thing I do occasionally if I'm really in a jam is call and ask for a half phone session. If he can, he accommodates me and we talk for about 25 minutes or a half hour. Then I pay him a half session fee. It feels okay to do this, and neither of us feel like our boundaries are being trampled. I get the amount of time and comfort I need rather than a brief 5 minute phone call, that doesn't quite meet my needs.

It is painful to need someone and feel as though they aren't there. But he IS there. He is in your heart. I don't know about you but when I feel like I really need him it hurts so much. I think this is because we are afraid to be with ourselves. We don't feel
safe alone.

So, can you imagine yourself sitting with him and playing Uno? Maybe you can conjure him up that way. Also, if you are really in trouble, leave another message and be very clear about the fact that even though it's Sunday, you really need him to call you.

I think you should get out of the house if possible. Go shopping (window shopping if you are broke). Go for a walk. Take a yoga class. Best bet would be to get out with a friend. Screw cleaning, it's overrated, and solitary.

(((earthmama)))

((((((((((((((((((earthmama))))))))))))))))))))

(((((((((((((((( serifimetal ))))))))))))))))))
(((((((((((((((( pegasus )))))))))))))))))))
(((((((((((((((((((( miss c )))))))))))))))))))
(((((((((((((((((((( kiya ))))))))))))))))))))))

T called and left a message for me. My 6 y/o was having a birthday party from 2 - 4 so I had asked T to call before 2 or after 4 if he could. He called at 2:15, so I couldn't get the phone, but he left a message. It was a really strange message....I guess he wasn't in "T" mode on the weekend, and it was very boisterous and upbeat and....just kind of weird. Anyhow, he gave me a suggestion of something I could try instead of cutting, told me he'd help me with my boxing tomorrow (I hurt myself hitting a punching bag to vent my anger and T was a boxer in college), and said he wouldn't be available for the rest of the day, but that he wanted me to call and leave a message telling him if his suggestion about the cutting worked.

I guess I do feel better that he called. I mean, I really am glad he didn't ignore me. But I don't know - it was kind of strange hearing "weekend T" on the phone - he just didn't sound like him.

I'm still feeling pretty awful though. I guess maybe this is one of those times that I really wish T could wave a magic wand or something and make it all go away, but he just can't and I have to feel whatever I have to feel. That sure sucks.

{{{{{{earthmama}}}}}

I'm glad your T called you back. I understand how you feel about 'weekend T'. I remember once having my former T call from home after hours and it just felt like the weirdest thing hearing his life in the background. Yucky! LOL

I'm sad that you are feeling awful. I hope your T's suggestions will help with the urge to cut.

Peace to you.

I hope you feel ok now....?xxxx

((((((Earth)))))),
I have major issues dealing with my anger, too. I know that when I get angry at T that it is usually comes from somewhere in the distant past, but I'm still angry. I get angry at him for going away, for not understanding, for not protecting me from my emotions, and all kinds of things in which he can't be held accountable. My brain knows this but my emotions don't. Anger is a massive emotion that clouds all judgment, at least it does for me. I wish I had some advice to give you, but all I can say is that I'm going through the same thing right now. It's so hard to find an adaptive coping mechanism that actually works. I hope you stay safe and know that we're all here and rooting for you! Take care.

I saw T today.

I went in expecting to feel totally disconnected after the weird phone message, but to my surprise, I felt the usual connection right away. I just laid down on the couch and jumped right in.

I did tell him that he sounded WAY weird on his phone message and I know he "got" what i was saying when I described it to him.

But it was a really good session. AND I did manage to make it through yesterday without cutting, so that was a bonus. We got into some new stuff, related to the anger, but it was okay. I felt like he was hearing me, and taking care of me, and looking out for me, and helping me.

I really appreciated everyone's support yesterday. It helped ALOT in a really rough patch.