Searching for a Therapist

I used to be so pro-therapy, now I am scared to go and can't even recommend it confidently to my friends or children. I have so much bad to say about it but I think I still need it because I am lonely and have no family. I've had several abusive relationships, and friends that have let me down considerably .

I need a therapist that understands the issues brought up in articles on Psyche Central that pertain to the client as a consumer. I thought I was worse than I was. My therapists were making me feel badly for not staying with them, and now after reading these articles, I am so relieved!!! It was such a heavy load having relationship problems, and then having relationship problems with every therapist I felt so much guilt and fear.

Now I am quite a bit happier, but I still have the same dilema. How do I find someone to talk to? And preferably not just someone to talk to, but a real good someone. Someone who really can get me out of therapy and into a great life. Or someone who I would benefit from ongoing therapy with.

In the past, my best therapists lasted 2 1/2 years, and was great, but we hit a wall. Very important issues she would respond by saying "sometimes their is nothing you can do" when she should have given me communication skills for my teens or challenged me to grow in my business or take risks with my social circle.

My worst therapists have been dysfunctional, condescending and patronizing, and the ones I have known in my social circle through friends and business, leave much to be desired. Some have drug problems, serious relationship problems and I was even stalked by a Phd in Psychotherapy. The police called it Aggravated Harassment. These are all doctors, and some well respected in the industry, highly regarded people.

I get the feeling, when I am in therapy, that they don't know what my problem is specifically, but that they HOPE by me talking about my mother, that somehow the solution will emerge. Well, it's been about 20 yrs now, done tons of work on my childhood and my mother. I need to move forward. But no one will listen to me. And it's costing me a bunch of money. My last therapist was a Phd. and $200 for 45 min, or $400 a week!

As a consumer, I feel 20 yrs, all over the country with therapists, is plenty to give anything a chance. This isn't supposed to be a cult and I think that too much goes on behind closed doors. I don't mean in the sexual way, but in the mind games department. Patronizing, condescending, staring games, manipulation, you name it. Shouldn't this sort of business be monitored somehow? How about a review section by consumers like Amazon. It's a pretty important purchase I'd say.

I'm not even sure what the problem is with relationships, all they have said is I'm overwhelmed, haven't met the right people, and I didn't learn some very important skills as a child from my mother. Yet no one will tell me what those skills are.

I am to the point that the healthiest thing seems to be not going at all. I really need someone to talk to, I'm in NYC. Any suggestions? I would really be appreciative.

I find searching for a therapist to be very difficult also. There is a referral place right here on Psych Central (see Resources) but very often the therapists you locate with the search results do not give the kind of information that I, at least, feel I need to select one. On the other hand, there is the Sharing Self Help Ideas forum here for help in doing it yourself therapy.

Thank you very much! I found the forum and the downloadable book and I"m so excited to get into it. I'm used to doing my own, also, through self help books and classes but this looks like just the type of support I need.

I did use the online referral for a local therapist to contact a few. one is booked. The other one never called and the third said she would call again but never did. She sounded so phone shy and out of it, I don't know what to think about that, might not be a good idea.

They didn't seem to know my request was coming from this site, as it is through Psychology Today they assumed. No biggie. I can continue looking & refer to the articles in the site to see if they are aware of these issues and how they feel. but I sort of feel that unless they are aware they are on this site, I am facing the same issues.

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jacqueline1110 said:
the issues brought up in articles on Psyche Central that pertain to the client as a consumer.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">jacqueline, I looked for these articles but couldn't find them on Psych Central. Could you give the links to the articles? I would be interested to read them.

I'm sorry therapy has not been helpful to you and I can certainly understand why would be "gunshy" about trying yet another therapist. I think therapists need to be respectful of prior therapy work clients have done and accept that the client may not want to go through the same issues yet again with another person. If they've already solved those problems with a previous therapist, why rehash them? If you start with a new therapist, could you tell them early on, "I've already worked on my childhood trauma (or whatever) with another therapist and have dealt with that to my satisfaction. I'd like our work to focus on _______. Is this something you can help me with?"

Another option from seeing another therapist might be to see a Life Coach. They can help in a practical way with specific problems. They do not provide therapy. Here is a CNN article on Life Coaching:
http://www.cnn.com/2007/LIVING/workl....life.coaches/

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My therapists were making me feel badly ...

How do I find someone to talk to? ... Someone who really can get me out of therapy and into a great life.

Very important issues she would respond by saying "sometimes their is nothing you can do"

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">As I read these things you wrote, I wondered if maybe a therapist from the humanistic school would be helpful to you? Someone who can listen with unconditional positive regard, who places high value on the mutualism of the therapeutic relationship, and who listens and counsels with empathy. Someone with strong roots in the human potential movement who can help empower you to find that great life you want.

Good luck, jacqueline.

Thanks for all your feedback! As far as the articles go, I wasn't referring to any particular one, but the articles and responses to them as a whole. They offer tips on self-help, and help fot the consumer to navigate through the searching process. I think mostly Dr. Grohol's articles were on the top of my list. It was very important for me to learn that personality fit DOES matter, and it's not uncommon to find a string of bad therapists or ones that don't fit.

By my therapists withholding key information like that contained in Psyche Central's articles and website,(that I am a consumer and it's okay for me to not fit with a therapist or even many therapists) from me, and by turning my own need to seek therapy for relationships against me when I was simply searching for a healthy fit has really left it's mark on me. The complexity of my relationship issues and search for a therapist have really had a synergistic effect on me.

While it's okay and perfectly acceptable to "do it yourself" these days with medical issues, it's more complicated when it's a personal issue with your doctor or therapist. This article 3 Minute Therapy points out that their ARE other options for people "desiring a scientific, present-focused, and active treatment for coping with life’s difficulties, rather than one which is mystical, historical, and largely passive" http://psychcentral.com/lib/2008/three-minute-therapy/ I was grateful to read exactly what I had been trying to say all along. I'm finding therapy to be TOO mystical, historical, and largely passive.
It also mentions Dr Ellis who I have had a session with. I seems that I cannot find a balance here and the experts are taking sides. I'm afraid I'm slipping through cracks, so to speak, which is the identical problem I find in my real life. Talk about transference! So I don't disregard my "mother issues" at all, regardless of what my therapists think.

The info on Humanistic therapy is very interesting and something I will definitely be looking into when I come to terms with these issues. I was hoping someone specific, perhaps, would help me bridge the gap. Listening with unconditional positive regard, and placing high value on the mutualism of the therapeutic relationship sounds great, if only they would do that. I've heard each one make these claims before. My longtime therapists really did live up to those claims. It was hard to let go, but I knew I had to when I got to be too "mystical and passive". Several were Self psychologist and I find that it is largely the individual therapist and not just the schooling that determines how mutually respective they are.

Like I already said, "I know I need to move forward, but no one will listen to me". Funny you should mention it though, because it seems to be a trigger for them to think that's exactly what I need to do more work on. It's a no win situation there.

Life coaching is wonderful some of the times. I owe a lot of my wonderful existence to coaching (and my better therapists). My life is a well oiled machine, and I'm already pretty flexible and resourceful. I am not college educated, or even high school educated. I raised myself and do really well, always having several sources of income and contributing to the world around me immensely. I like coaching. That is probably why I like coaching so much. They are more likely to keep it real. But their comes a point when a coach can only do so much. I was mentally and emotionally abused as a child very much and I am making it on my own. It is hard to find people of the same sort, who aren't dysfunctional themselves or I may not have enough in common with, goals, interests and values to maintain a closeness or share a life with.