[internettie]

Yesterday T and I went over the rules for me emailing and calling her. I expected that there would be restrictions but there weren't. I can email any time that I want to and call any time that I need to, even on weekends. She told me when to expect replies either by email or phone. It was nice to know the rules.

But why did I start crying? Maybe it was because she was so nice to me and really seemed to care about me. I don't generally put my trust in someone that I care for because they may let me down later. But I'm going to have to trust her if I'm going to get anything accomplished in therapy.

I also spent a few moments in session talking about some of the abuse when I was a kid. No tears then though. Hmmm...?

Anyone else experience emotions like this in therapy? Just curious.

[MissCharlotte]

((internettie))

It sounds like you have a wonderful T. I am happy for you.

Oh I have cried rivers in therapy...but it took me almost a year to let them spill, so I think you are off to a great start!

[happysappy]

Hi Internettie (love the name by the way)

For some crying is no big deal, but for those of us who are child abuse victims, it can be so hard. I know for me I would be punished more if I cried even during abuse.

With my first T of 2.5 years, I didn't cry at all, I would get teary eyes, but he would use distraction to make me laugh instead, even when we talked about my child abuse.. Even though I was relieved not to cry because I really didn't want to, I never thought it was okay to do since even my T would seem uncomfortable with it. The only time I cried with him was the session where I fired him because he yelled at me and I freaked out and it made me cry.(long story there)

But with my new T that I have had for a year now, I cried in the first session. He was so warm, so genuine, I felt safe with him, and now even though I don't like to cry, it happens about every other session it seems. It actually feels good to cry now, it is part of letting go of the past, letting that poison seep out of me.
Learning to trust is also a big thing, take your time and know this, the T will eventually disappoint you because they are human too, it hurts, but when you learn it wasn't on purpose, it will allow you to grow and be more acceptable in your life. Because even we will let people down, heck you can even let yourself down. It happens, but I understand not wanting to trust, I was like that for a long time, but even with my first T, I learned that trusting was so important.
My current T let me down for the first time in almost a year, he forgot something important I told him a long time ago. I was hurt I admit, I am how can he forgot? But luckily I had enough trust build up with him I knew he didn't mean to forgot, he just did because he is human. I think allowing him to be human with faults, is helping me accept my faults too.
It sounds like you may be new to therapy, if you are welcome to the ride of your life, there is nothing else like it!

[Mouse_]

Internettie, I love your signature!!

[Sannah]

Hi Internettie, what you explained makes sense to me. Could it be that you don't cry over the abuse because you had to toughen up over it to survive. Crying when you are cared for allows you to soften up and get in touch with your emotions? Could you also be crying just because you are finally being taken care of? It's almost like a happy cry?

[ECHOES]

I cry easily when others act in a caring, generous way toward me. It feels like it's 'too good to be true' and that when the other person realizes I don't deserve it, it will be gone.

And I am stoic (T's word--grrr! lol) at other times. It's something to explore!

[internettie]

(((((MissCharlotte))))) She is a wonderful T. I woke up from a bad dream in the middle of the night and emailed her. I told her that I just needed her to know about my feelings and the flashbacks it caused. After DBT group on Thursday she asked how I was doing and talked to me for a few minutes. I really appreciated that.

Thanks happysappy and Mouse.

Sannah, I think you are right about having to have a thick skin when it comes to the abuse. I know that I work on not feeling anything so I can survive. I definitely cried because I felt like she was taking care of me. It's not that other people don't try to do that, but I don't allow them to. I am allowing her to take care of me.

ECHOES, I usually feel like crying when others act in a caring, generous way toward me but I don't usually let myself actually cry. I think it would be a good topic to explore too.

It took me a while to get back to this post because I gave my 2 weeks notice at work and have been dealing with the emotions that are surrounding that. I thought for sure that my T would try to talk me out of quitting but much to my amazement, she agreed that it would be taking care of myself to quit my part time job. Talk about wanting to cry (but I didn't that time).

I'm trying to work on allowing myself to feel my feelings and cry when I feel like it in therapy. It feels like a very safe place. And I feel like the crying would be quite cathartic.

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internettie said:

I'm trying to work on allowing myself to feel my feelings and cry when I feel like it in therapy. It feels like a very safe place. And I feel like the crying would be quite cathartic.

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Wow, internettie. It's wonderful that you feel so safe with T.

Let the healing begin!!!

[internettie]

Thanks, earthmama. I'm trying to figure out why I trust her. lol It's not like me to trust anyone. I saw my former T for 7 years and never trusted him. That's why I stopped seeing him. I was getting nowhere because I couldn't/wouldn't trust him. I've only been seeing new T for a month! Holy cow! What's going on with me? LOL

[tulips30]

I don't know about you, but trust is something you can almost feel in the air. I have a pdoc who is very nice and caring, but I never feel that calm, gentle feeling in the room. I am always on guard, "stoic" and I choose my words carefully. I don't think it would matter how long I saw him, the trust would never be there.

With my regular t, I felt comfortable and cared for almost immediately. I sobbed my way thru my first session. What a wonderful place that small room is. Where trust is always there. I am glad you are experiencing it.

tulips

[internettie]

You're right, tulips30, I could feel the trust in the air. I just know that she will not be like my former therapist. I'm very blessed because I trust my pdoc too. I've told him things that I wouldn't have told any other pdoc.

I have felt like crying in each session since I began with her but didn't until this last session. It was definitely her showing that she cares that made me cry.

I feel like her office is a safe haven for me. Thanks.