[Kiya]

I really feel sorry for her for getting me. Earthmama, i did send her the note explaining (like T *said* she wanted me to) that t doesn't call when she's out of town like she says she will. She told me she wanted me to be open and honest when things come up because we are building this relationship and i have to learn to trust people and then talk through things as they happen.
I sent a letter that took me 3 hours to write -so that i was very very clear and not upsetting her or have her think i was upset.
Course, that night the brain chemistry crashed and there was cutting and I called like she has me do... and (this is where the Poor T part comes in)... she actually answered. She NEVER answers!! Never in 10 months. well, if she has, i can't remember. And the first things out of her mouth were "I got your email" (oh god! She also never checks that before midnight) "and I want you to know.... (pause for ... effect? right words? wishing she didn't have to work with *me*??).... I'm HERE. "
Then i had to tell her why i had called and cut and.... ai!!!
Poor poor t.
Course, now I'm calling again.... when it rains... it POORS!

[HALLIEBETH87]

*sweet hugs*

[SpottedOwl]

(((Kiya)))

You are so darn tough on yourself. I'd bet your T is honored to be a part of your healing. That is a sacred role, and you deserve as much care and love as possible.

I'm proud of you for reaching out to T when you needed to talk, and your T must have felt that as well to pick up the call. I'm proud of you for taking the effort to write a clear letter about your feelings.

From everything I read on here, you work so very hard. Do you ever stop to give yourself credit for all of your hard work?

Many

[Kiya]

(((((((((Hallie))))))))))))) thanks!

((((((((Spotted Owl)))))))))))))
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
From everything I read on here, you work so very hard. Do you ever stop to give yourself credit for all of your hard work?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

ironically, that sounds just like my T. And i just don't see it. I am trying to find words.... and trying to accept that i might *deserve* anything remotely close to care... especially from T. I'm trying. I feel mostly like a burden to her - as well as my other 2 drs. but I appreciate the mirroring. thank you.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( kiya )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Not "poor T"! You are doing So well, and T obviously loves you (remember the hug in the lobby??). You are doing just what she asked you do do - tell her if something comes up (like you did in the e-mail) and call if you SI (you did). You are keeping up your end of the deal in the therapy relationship, and so is she ("I'm here") - and that is how relationships are built.

I bet T is very proud of you for reaching out in those two situations. It's uncomfortable because it's new, but that's how we grow. I always feel really uncomfortable for a while when I try something new - even something healthy and "normal" - but I get used to the feeling and it's easier the next time.

(((((((((((((((((((((((( kiya )))))))))))))))))))))))))) You are doing great. Be gentle with you. Give yourself some grace.

[missboots]

Kyia, You are so lucky to have such a team caring for you! You do work hard and need to give yourself credit.

[Kiya]

Missboots, thank you. Yes I have to remember that... those are good reminders. sometimes i think i don't try hard enough or that i am not reaching their expectations and have to remember that they do care and are concerned.
*breathing that in*
kiya

[Kiya]

((((((((((((((((((((((Earthmama)))))))))))))))))))
thanks for the encouraging reminders!!! I don't know why i fall apart in stress.... *glues self back together*
OK......... i'm off!!!!!
Wish me luck!!!

[Simcha]

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Kiya said:
((((((((((((((((((((((Earthmama)))))))))))))))))))
thanks for the encouraging reminders!!! I don't know why i fall apart in stress.... *glues self back together*
OK......... i'm off!!!!!
Wish me luck!!!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

That's real healing. You didn't completely fall apart-- you reached out to the person you are supposed to be able to trust-your T. I'm glad you did.

Hey--- be a little easier on yourself. The behaviors/thoughts you've learned as unhealthy coping mechanisms took a lifetime to learn from the time you were a toddler to when you started seeing your T. I don't think it's all just going to change overnight.
One step at a time Kiya, and btw-- you are doing really great!! I mean that!
((((KIYA))))

[Kiya]

hmmmmmmm... i seem to be getting a subliminal message that says to be easier on self.....

Thanks simcha.... i'll work on it...

[HALLIEBETH87]

you know, my T refers to my tears as a gift. to her, i am giving her the gift of ultimate trust.

myabe T feels important that you shared?

[Cthomas]

kiya, you always know how to help others.

Now its time to give yourself a huge pat on the back.

You rock!
Colleen

[Kiya]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
HALLIEBETH87 said:
you know, my T refers to my tears as a gift. to her, i am giving her the gift of ultimate trust.

myabe T feels important that you shared?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Hmmm never thought of that in that context.... It seems like she has said said something like that in the past, but I didn't take it in - they were just meaningless words. I will try to hear that more if she says that again. Thanks Hallie.

[Kiya]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Cthomas said:
kiya, you always know how to help others.

Now its time to give yourself a huge pat on the back.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

(((((((((((((((Colleen)))))))))))))) thank you!!!

[Simcha]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Kiya said:
hmmmmmmm... i seem to be getting a subliminal message that says to be easier on self.....

Thanks simcha.... i'll work on it...

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

((((Kiya)))))

[Kiya]

t's gonna get a wreck of a person today....
i' m already crying and i haven't even left for the *exam from hell* yet. i see t about an hour after that

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( kiya ))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Breathe, honey. It will be okay - it will be over soon, and then you will see T.

Holding your hand....

(((((((((((((((((((((( kiya ))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Are you okay? I've been thinking about you all day - and now I'm posting all over the boards trying to catch your attention

I've thought of you all day. I hope all is well.

Much love, many

[Simcha]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Kiya said:
t's gonna get a wreck of a person today....
i' m already crying and i haven't even left for the *exam from hell* yet. i see t about an hour after that

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

(((((((((((((((((KIYA))))))))))))))))))))))
We humans have quite a tendency to magnify the worst imaginable, don't we? There's nothing you can't manage Kiya. Have faith in yourself.

Come back and tell us how it all went!!!!

[Kiya]

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earthmama said:
(((((((((((((((((((((( kiya ))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Are you okay? I've been thinking about you all day - and now I'm posting all over the boards trying to catch your attention

I've thought of you all day. I hope all is well.

Much love, many

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Aawwwwwww thanks. Yeah.... is ok. fortunately, a friend of mine happened to be there by *chance* so we "hung out" until our appointments (and i still stayed with her after mine) right up to when i had to see t. Good thing too - I take back my "Poor T" notice!!! She was ON FIRE today and freakin lit in to me about everything and goals, and change, housing, cleaning..... @_@ Holy smokes!
I won't say that the exam was easy, that's for sure... but having a friend there got me out of my head long enough to not switch alters prior to it. I did of course, during it.... and had a real hard time. but being with my friend again afterwards again got me centered.
I'd never have been able to deal with t had I not had that lil intervention. THo hopefully she would have been nicer an sympathetic if i had been a wreck like i expected. She even gave me homework!!!! 2 hours a day. So much for sympathy.

((( kiya )))

Sounds like you did great.

Do we all still get to play with the armadillo?

Orange Blossom has a good question - what's Bene's status?!?!

I'm so, so, SO glad the appointment went better than expected - and now it's OVER! Yay!

(((((((((((((((((((((( kiya )))))))))))))))))))))) you made it!

[Kiya]

"Do we all still get to play with the armadillo? "
"Orange Blossom has a good question - what's Bene's status?!?!"

yes! we do, Orange Blossom, Earthmama... =)

I asked T today if i could hang on to him for tomorrow (2 mor dr apnts) and she said "Yes, I had expected you to hang on to him indefinately, since he helps you so. But it is good that you asked, and now you can feel comfortable in knowing."