Looking at your T

I still have a hard time looking at my T, Pdoc, Pdoc's nurse, GP or any person like that. Why? I don't know. I tend to look at my feet, the wall, the pictures at the wall.

In my T's office I look at her bookcase and try to read the books on her bookcase but can't cuz I can't see that far. So I look at the floor by her lamp.

Do any of you have this problem? If you did and got over it how did you?

Jbug

Its shame....we are shamed of who we are and what we say and feel at a core level that we are not really worthy of anyones time...the deeper we delve the harder it is to make eye contact...and perhaps we also afraid of being engulfed by that eye contact??...does it get easier? Hell no!

((((((((((((((((((((((((jbug))))))))))))))))))))))) I had this with T for a LONG time. I could look at him while HE was talking, but while I was talking? No WAY. I knew really well what all of his shoes and socks looked like, and I could probably draw the pattern on his rug from memory

I think for me, time was the key. As I started to feel more safe, I was able to look at him more and more- until I got to the point where I could sit and really LOOK into his eyes, kind of searching to see who/what was there.

I think it was fear and shame, like Mouse said. Fear of what I would find if I looked into his eyes, and shame about what I thought he would see if he looked into my eyes. I think as I learned that T actually accepts me AS I AM, I was able to start letting him see me - eyes and all. But it was a process...a slow one.

Unfortunately, I think I'm kind of back to square one with all of that. But I am trying to have faith that I will get there again. You will get there, too.

Therapy is hard.

I take a pad of paper and pen with me and I scribble/doodle. I take off my glasses and scribble/doodle while talking--Never look up. Can't do it. I just don't want to see. I dont' want to see annoyance, pity, understanding, I don't want to see.

i never look at my t....instead i drift off into the big fake tree or the pix of yosemite....(overall i have a difficult time looking at anyone when talking)...

somehow tho even without the direct eye contact she can tell when i have drifted off into a major memory or just into another time zone and is able to haul me back

she mentioned once that the eye contact is important to her but she understands that i just can't do it (long story about evil parents and their evil friends and such)

its a goal of mine to someday be able to look her in the eyes for a session...oh hell for 5 minutes or even just a glance

When I was able to look into T's eyes - really look - there was something very healing and connecting about it. Like we were connecting on another, deeper level. I think it is a good goal, and it will come in time. I hope it comes back for me, too. I think one of the hardest things about my therapy this week has been the loss of that safety of that gaze.

I wish i could do that...

I can't look at T too. I usually make a brief eye contact when i come in and say hi, but later i analyze the floor or her computer, or the cat in the corner (if it's there). And i also can't stand when she leans forward and starts to look directly at me, makes me feel so uncomfortable

PHEW! I thought it was just me. I can look at her when she is talking, but when I say something, I can't look at her at all until I finish what i am saying so she can respond. I have been wondering if she noticed that too?? I wonder what she thinks about it? Does she find it strange? I think it's strange that I can't look at her. I can't figure out why I do it. And I hate it when she looks at me. She doesn't ever take her eyes off me. When she does, it's usually to find something she wants me to read and I get so relieved that she's distracted slightly so I can relax for a minute or two... What's funny is I used to dance and I loved being on stage with all eyes on me, but it's sooo different when you are sitting directly in front of someone literally a few feet away and they are essentially watching and analyzing your "performance"...

For the longest time I wondered if I saw my T in public would I recognize her? When I tried to imagine what she looks like, distinguishing features etc, I struggled a lot. Now I can create a visual image of her in my head, I notice what she is wearing, and when her hair has been highlighted. I figure this suggests that I am now looking at her more..LOL

During the brief exchange I had with my T about the drawing I shared with T, one of the first comments she made was about how incredibly detail the drawing were with the exception of the lack of facial details. She said this made sense to her...kind of showed my preference for keeping my distance from people.

I just find especially in therapy, the intensity of maintaining good eye contact is really hard to deal with. Not sure if it is shame, fear, or what.

I have a tendency to look straight into his eyes when he talks, and look away when I talk. However, after three years my eye contact with him has increased dramtically. It gets to the point in which it is not just eye contact-- it is a major part of the connection and the healing. T and I spend a lot of time in silence, especially since my dad died. Sometimes after sharing a period of silence, I will just look up at him into his eyes. It is very powerful and I can feel the reciprocity of the connection.

Yes, this, exactly. I hope I get back to this point. It did feel connecting and healing and important.

oh. I can't look at my T either, mostly, although she is very gentle and caring. It's been about a year now. I was sure hoping it would get easier later on.

When I left the house today to go to therapy I was going to make it a point to try to look at her at least once...did I do it..nope. I wish I could just at least glance at her. I don't know why I can't and even wanted to talk about it but couldn't bring up the courage to even talk about it. Maybe it would be easier to talk about it if I emailed her first. I don't know.

Jbug

(((((((((((( jbug )))))))))))))))) Sending your T an email first sounds like a good idea but be careful I sometimes open up too much in emails and then I obsess about it until my next session. I struggle with making eye contact with anyone, with T it seems to be getting a little bit better, I actually noticed that she was looking around the room a bit last session as she was trying to think of something.

My previous T I saw for 2 years and I struggled to look at her - whether she talked or I talked I just could not maintain eye contact.
My current T feels eye contact is very powerful and important and tries to maintain it more so with us, though it can be uncomfortable most of the time, it does help to look at her when she's saying things, it just makes it feel more genuine or something.
I know my personal struggle is that if I maintain eye contact she will see into my soul, and somewhere along the way have an "aha" moment that I am bad...

I found this comment interesting. I think I feel this way somewhat too. Like I will reveal more information than I realize... that my real thoughts will be seen and my T will know then know who I really am on the inside--that I am not worth the effort to salvage.

This is a very interesting topic. I also have a hard time looking into my Therapists eyes. I try to look at her when she is talking but its not easy. When I talk, I look down and play with my fingers, I am lucky to give her an occasional glance.

I like some of you feel like she will see through me, you know recognize that I am crazy. I have told her that I think I am crazy, she assures me that I am no where near that.

I think the other reason I have a hard time looking in her eyes has to do with the whole connection thing, I mean I want that so bad but I also fear that connection because I fear the whole having to part in the end. I also feel that if I really look in her eyes, I may just lose it.

Maybe the whole thing is the fear of having her see the real me, the one who is not as strong as I pretend to be.

Hangingon

I ended up emailing her to tell her not to feel bad that I don't look at any one. So we will see where this goes.

Jbug

I think when we do this we don't want them to see us because we don't like who we are (shame about this too). As your self worth increases you won't need to hide so much.

Wow I thought I was the only one. I have a really hard time making eye contact with my T, especially when I'm talking, I usually look down or away at something else in the room. I've found myself sometimes trying to make eye contact when she's talking, but I get anxious when I do that because I don't want her to see me. Sometimes I worry that she might think I'm not listening, so I think this might be a good thing to bring up in therapy to talk about.

When I was small my mother used to yell "Look at me when I am talking to you!" It was a threat.

This question (of being able to look at someone directly) is a very powerful one for me. I think I have some idea what it means but it is a bit too scary to examine it very closely. I think I will end up begging not to be hit.

I hate it when people say this. I have had T's say this to me when making a point they were saying it gently but I still had a problem with it and only once did I tell them that I had a problem with them saying it .

On the upside I did get a response from my T about my email to her about looking at her she said that she understood that I have a hard time looking at people and not to worry about her feelings.

Jbug