My therapist hates me...

...because I said so.

I am feeling very crabby today. The last session was so hard. I can't go into it now. I left him two messages that night, after the session, because the stuff is just too hard to process. One of the messages was a verbal promise of safety. I didn't ask him to call back.

I called him this morning asking him to return the call, although I know it will be difficult to connect with him, as I am at work 'til 5, and then have marriage counseling. I was crying in the car on the way to work and there were snow flurries so I was telling him that I am so sad to think of my dad in such a cold, dark place today. I see T on Tuesday.

So because of all the guilt, sadness, frustrationg, anger, depression, stress (add every emotion you can think of) that is going on... I decided he hates me. Yeah. That works.

(((((((((((((((((pinksoil))))))))))))))))) I'm sorry you're crabby.

(((((((((((((((((( pink )))))))))))))))))))
furry hugs

Im sorry Pink, it really does s*ck and with the holidays coming up, its more intense.

Both my T and my school counselor asked me how I was going to cope this Thanksgiving without my mom. I just wanted to say "shut up", I don't even want to think about that right now (but I didn't).
I know their intentions are right, I just can't hear it right now.

I tend to focus on how quickly it happened, like it just wasn't fair. That angers me most. They keep telling me to think of the good memories but I have a hard time doing that at the moment. I just want to scream "I want my mom back" thats all I want.

I can't say I know how you feel, but I do know how you feel to some degree and its freaking painful

Hugs
In the relationship you express with your T, I highly doubt he is anywhere near hating you, but go ahead be ticked with him for awhile
Hangingon

((pinksoil))

I think that if T hates you, then you can hate him too. So, I think a simple peace offering such as a hot dog would be in order.

(((((((((((( pinksoil )))))))))))))))

I am sorry that you are having a hard time.

I had a very weird week with T too...didn't connect, I accussed him of many things (have never done that before, I didn't want to go...it must be in the air or something.

I called him this morning, asking him to call back... but I gave him an "out" because I was feeling like a needy asshole. I said to him, "I should have asked you to call back when I left the two messages Wed. night. I wish I did. I would like for you to call back, but it will be very difficult to get in touch w/ me today because I'll be in sessions 'til 5:00 and then H and I have marriage counseling. So if you aren't able to connect with me then I guess I'll just see you Tuesday."

So I'm an idiot. It came off as though I was really saying: "If you don't feel like there is a point in calling because I stated that I am very busy, then don't bother trying."

But what I REALLY meant was: "I'm a needy asshole so I'm giving you every (fake) reason why this request is no big deal for me."

However, that implication was pretty incongruent with my presentation on the phone message because I was crying when I left it.

Well after receiving three messages from me since our session, maybe he could have at least TRIED to get back to me-- and left a message stating that he received my calls.

So now I am positive he hates me. On Tuesday I am going to put it out there. I am going to ask if I am too needy. I will tell him that I FEEL too needy.

oooooooh, "too needy" is a huge fear of mine in therapy. HUGE.

I really hope he just calls you back and quiets that fear a bit. I'm waiting for a message from my T right now too. It just sucks!

(((Pink))) What would you tell your patient who was projecting onto you this way, to help them?

I WOULD PROBABLY CALL THE PERSON BACK SINCE THE PERSON IS OBVIOUSLY IN NEED. Whew. Okay. Just a bit edgy here (Obviously I haven't heard from him).

And I would like to add the following information:

(Trigger-- mention of SI here)

When I left him the message I told him how I ended up SI'ing because I absolutely could not deal with the feelings of guilt because of the feelings, images, and thoughts that came up in regards to being angry at my dad. I told him that it got so bad that I felt as though I could not live with the guilt and the hatred towards himself for those thoughts and feelings-- so the SI ended up migrating to my wrist-- I did not do anything deep, and I had to end up calling one of those stupid crisis lines that I hate only because I know how impulsive I can be and I knew that when I talk to someone on the phone I would never SI at the same time, and by the time I'm done talking I am usually distracted enough to stop SI'ing-- it doesn't even matter what the person says; usually I'm not listening-- it's just the fact that it's a distraction.

I feel like leaving T another mesasge telling him **** YOU and THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME STEW IN THESE HORRIBLE EMOTIONS OF GUILT AND HATRED TOWARDS MYSELF. THANK YOU FOR NOT GIVING A **** THAT I LEFT YOU MULTIPLE DISTRESSING MESSAGES.

I am obviously very angry. Verrrrrry angry.

And very scared. Cause if I was needy before my dad died-- well now I'm needy to the 93737277283404th power. And maybe the time has come where he is tired of dealing with it.

((((Pink))))
I really hope your T calls you and offers you a respite from your pain. You deserve peace.

(((((((((((((((((((((Pink))))))))))))))))))))))))))

You know I share the fear of being "too needy". But I don't think your T (or mine) has ever indicated that HE things you are too needy. It is a fear, and something to talk about with him, but just because you are worrying about that, it doesn't mean it's what's TRUE.

I do hope he calls. And good for you for calling the hotline. Be safe.

Ok so he called like an hour after I wrote that post. He said something really important regarding my guilt about the anger (and the things I said) towards my father. He said, "The things you said may not have been towards your dad, the person-- they were towards the loss." Then he said exactly what I was thinking before I even said it-- he said something about the really scary part being that a part of me meant those things. I said, "Exactly! I tried to tell myself that I really didn't mean it... but that didn't work because of course a part of me did." T said that it is so hard for me to hold two opposing feelings for someone.

During the conversation some really scary images started to come up for me. They were very disturbing. I shared them with T and he helped to get me grounded.

I told him that I thought he was mad and that I was too needy and he couldn't take it anymore. He said, "It is natural for you to feel that this is all too much for you and then put it out there as it is too much for me-- but it is okay to put that out there." I love when he does that. He gives me "permission" to feel a certain way despite the fact that it is a projection.

There was one part of the conversation that was very important to me. I played the line over and over again in my head after we hung up as away to get myself away from the scary images and finally drift off to sleep.

He had said, "There have been many times when we have gone through negative situations together, in my office."

We? Together?

Apparently, he is in this with me. (So it only took me three years to figure this out. Big deal).

I told him how I was scared when he didn't call back, and he acknowledged that of course I would feel that way being that I really needed him and he took longer than usual to call back.

I didn't feel like expressing my anger at that time because before the phone call I had gone up to bed and I was crying over everything-- mostly my dad, but I was also crying and being exhausted over everything around that. So by the time T called, anger wasn't the dominating emotion.

I never keep emotions from him so when I see him on Tuesday, I will share with him about the anger.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((pink))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Good, good, good. All good.

T will say things like "We'll get through this the way we always do"...and it does feel good- like there is a "we" and we have a history and we ARE in this together. I like that feeling.

I'm so glad you connected!

Pink i so get that feeling it makes me crazy. I wish i could just trust my t's wont get mad at me for needing them.

I know what you are saying about feeling as if you were too needy, I feel that way too. However, I had a suddent thought as I was reading through this thread - if we were not needy then we would not need therapists. If we did not need therapists then the therapists would be without jobs. They need us to need them.

You might bring him that hot dog too.

Well im glad he called. Sounds like things got a bit hairy for a while