[imapatient]

The patient’s greatest fear is that when the therapist will see the real them, she'll be horrified and disgusted, and run away in terror, disbelief, disgust, fear, and dislike. They'll be abandoned when the real self is observed. As always feared.

I had a weird therapist-initiated abrupt termination 4 years ago that I've been posting about like crazy. In getting "can no longer remain objective" as explanation when multiple simple and relevant reasons could have been given--boundaries/trust violated, no longer beneficial to work together, etc.--I've started to wonder if the real reason wasn't something very serious and disturbing that T discovered/realized about me. I realized that when I was asking "why termination?" I really meant “what did my T think of me after that all happened?” That that's the crucial part to me. So, I started to think she must have been horrified when she saw the real me, and not just horrified/disgusted/etc. but afraid of me. That I didn't just do bad, but was bad, and in a way particular to her a threat.

So I tell my new T that I realized that the real question for me was “What does she think about me post-junk?” not “Why terminate?” I spun my thesis and he seemed to disagree and we talked and talked and then he seemed to latch onto it: He said, yes, the kind of termination I received, therapist-initiated, abrupt, no substantive explanation, and references to her lawyer such as "my lawyer advised me that we couldn't continue, then couldn't talk again, then we can't write again" are when the T has developed a fear of the patient. And that the reason they want to terminate is so difficult for the patient and they themselves don't want to talk about it, that they speak in the broadest of generalities. He was emphatic about that pattern. He's seen it all, supervised hordes of T's, at 81 has been a leader locally for 40 years...........

So Mr. 81 y.o. senior of the community T adviser to all told me that, almost certainly, my T became afraid of me for some serious reason that is so bad that she doesn't even want to say anything specific about it at all. In other words, the patient’s greatest fear was true in this case.

Considering that I came to him 2 weeks ago being a day away from killing myself (close to true), you’d think he wouldn’t go into overdrive to convince me that my worst-case scenario was almost certainly true.

Wow-- termination with no real explanation... especially when it is completely one-sided and not mutual whatsoever... I can't even imagine how hard that is.

Do you think it has to be something that you did? Maybe your therapist wasn't exactly scared of you, but perhaps your therapist was going through some of her own feelings that interrupted her ability to do therapy with you. Maybe she wasn't getting adequate supervision, or wasn't getting supervision at all.

Are you currently with a new T?

[imapatient]

Pink,

"Wow-- termination with no real explanation... especially when it is completely one-sided and not mutual whatsoever... I can't even imagine how hard that is. Do you think it has to be something that you did?"

Well, it was phrased as "After all that's happened, I can no longer remain objective." Yes, it stems--somehow from a fantasy sex website I did--I posted about it on my soap opera termination story—another T given the info by my ex-GF/stalker called the board about my T, for what I don’t know b/c nothing inappropriate was suggested or done. ...Long story. But that started some ball rolling, but I don’t know what other doors might’ve been opened. I might not even know the whole story.

In one message to my pdoc, in response to his query of why she terminated—as I had asked him—she wrote “X knows full well why he was terminated from the explanation given at the final session.” No, I don’t. Two issues were conflated under the “After all that has happened.” That uncertainty is what’s made it so hard. I could be a monster that she’s afraid of or she could’ve screwed up and can’t continue. In our last conversation I asked her if she was mad at me and she said "I was never mad at you"—re: that issue. Then she told me I needed to start living in the real world.

I don't know exactly what the issue was, and there are, as I said, multiple simple reasons she could've given "You violated trust/etc...." But I wasn't given any of those seemingly relevant reasons.

"Maybe your therapist wasn't exactly scared of you, but perhaps your therapist was going through some of her own feelings that interrupted her ability to do therapy with you. Maybe she wasn't getting adequate supervision, or wasn't getting supervision at all. "

The unable to remain objective reason could be 50 different things, which is why it's been so difficult. yes, it could be all about her--maybe she felt she'd been mistreating me, maybe that she'd let my transference get way out of hand, maybe consultants seeing the material and querying her concluded that she’d done this or that or not done, maybe...nothing to do with me per se, maybe everything. Maybe she became fearful, seeing my truer self more than before.

In your personal and professional experience, what sort of interpretations would you come up with for that sort of explanation? Common patterns with terminating that way?

Thanks for your reply.

[sunrise]

Maybe she saw the fantasy website as stalkerish behavior. That can be scary for a woman when a guy she knows is doing that. Maybe the site was innocent, all in good fun, meant to be private, etc. But to a female, it can be very creepy behavior, and maybe her fear was simple as that. Maybe she has her boundaries and that is one of them. I hope you and your new therapist can work through all your feelings about the abrupt termination. Sounds like a very tough situation and I hope you can get some closure through the work with your new T.

[imapatient]

Yes, the complexity of it all. We didn't even get to talk about it, though. I wrote about it elsewhere, but it wasn't really her or about her----long story. I wish we could've explored what happened and what was behind it. It related to my main abuse issue, something she and I were working on at that moment. I was acting out as a coping mechanism for something that had just happened in my life. Termination I understand, the process and reason(s) don't make sense.

[MissCharlotte]

There is something very comforting about having an 81-year old T who is others go to for leadership.

He must be very wise. You are lucky!

[deliquesce]

Originally Posted by imapatient

Yes, the complexity of it all. We didn't even get to talk about it, though. I wrote about it elsewhere, but it wasn't really her or about her----long story. I wish we could've explored what happened and what was behind it. It related to my main abuse issue, something she and I were working on at that moment. I was acting out as a coping mechanism for something that had just happened in my life. Termination I understand, the process and reason(s) don't make sense.

i think it is safe to say that she terminated therapy in a way which was not helpful to you. that much is obvious.

what isn't clear is what her thoughts about you were. i dont think you can be certain that she was scared of you, or thought you were a monster, or whatever... yknow? i used to work at a telephone counselling service, and one of our clients developed an unhealthy fixation with me. would call whenever i was on and generally just want to have phone sex. i tried being assertive with him a few times, calling him on his issues etc, but eventually (with supervision) i eventually just had to let it go - stop accepting his calls altogether.

i wasn't scared of him, or disgusted by him, or anything, really. i dont have negative thoughts about him to this day. if anything, i feel a bit sorry for him - that that was his way of connecting - and hope that he has managed to find more productive ways of dealing with his issues. i also hope that my refusal to work with him anymore did not hinder him from seeking help elsewhere.

it's altogether possible that her lawyers advised her to stop contact with you immediately, and that she just followd through on that advice. seen in this light, it boils down to just one bad session (albeit an important session - termination - but just one session nonetheless). i am sure you've had sessions in the past where things did not go well? is it possbile for you to reframe it in this light?

[ECHOES]

It is very very hurtful and frustrating to be pushed away without explanation or the opportunity for closure. I have experienced this too. I still will sometimes become very distraught and start going over things I said because I think I did something to cause this so I go looking for that 'something' because it seems like if I can find that 'something', then I can understand what happened better and I can get past it once and for all.

Sometimes a person does just have to end a relationship abruptly because it is in their best interest, or because that is just the only way they know how. It is about them and how they are dealing with whatever is going on with them.

That said, it is like many things: very hard to process when there is no access to the person involved... and that includes the other and myself, because I didn't always want to honestly look at my role in the situation.

I hope you and current T keep working on this so you can find some peace of mind and distance from the hurt

[imapatient]

On the new T: Problems.

As I talked about, he very ardently affirmed my “severely disturbed patient-hence- fearful therapist” thesis knowing how suicidal I am. A very bad sign. I'm accused of being overly intellectual, overly analytical, being out of touch with my feelings. Absolutely, I'm that way. I live in the abstract. But in that moment, feelings were what mattered--suicidal ideation, right? I found him heartless and lacking wisdom in that moment.

I need to process the termination in ways that I don't think he's capable of doing. It's a grieving process in great part. I've sat on it for so long. I like the intellectual, classically-trained approach of his in general, but here and now, for this big issue I need to get beyond, I don't think so. Need to decide on this. Maybe see someone else for now, return later.

[ECHOES]

If you like to read there is a great book on grief and loss by Judith Viorst called "Necessary Losses". I found it amazingly helpful at a time I needed something more than therapy.

[I_WMD]

ima,,, I know of one other explanation of why a * T * may end seeing a patient ...

You didn't happen to admit to some not just misdemeanor crime but something more serious ,, did you ?

Otherwise ,, I have had * T * s refer me to another * T * within the same practice .

WMD.

[imapatient]

Originally Posted by I_WMD

ima,,, I know of one other explanation of why a * T * may end seeing a patient ...

You didn't happen to admit to some not just misdemeanor crime but something more serious ,, did you ?

Otherwise ,, I have had * T * s refer me to another * T * within the same practice .

WMD.

Nope. Told all here.

[I_WMD]

LOL. Call and leave her a message that >>> " Your Lawyer has informed you " ...... Then stutter a bit and leave your phone number .

[phoenix7]

from what ive read on other posts and this one (and forgive me if i stuff up monumentally please - as my mind is only half on line at the moment) I would think it was because of the allegations your GF made - this would be seen as dangerous by a lawyer and they would tell her JMO to break off all contact ot avoid further problems

very hard on you - no closure - yes there would be grieving - very hard on her too -

I hope things get better for you I truly do