[ClinicallyClueless]

Today, I really hate being mentally ill. I’m fragmenting all over the place. I am extremely sensitive. My emotions feel like they are all over the place. I don’t feel grounded. I feel really disorganized. I had a meltdown last night over not being able to find shorts to wear to bed. Ones that fit or ones that I could find. The house is a mess and I hate my body and weight.

I feel like my mental illness has taken away my ability to work, have friends, finances, a clean house, an organized house, my energy, my body, my ability to sleep, intimacy with my husband, some of my independence, desire to cook and bake, concentration, ability to focus, some of my memory.

I hate being anxious all the time. I’m tired of feeling depressed. I’m tired of the suicidal thoughts and thoughts of self-injury. I feel like I’m tired of just being me! I can’t stand being hypervigilant. I hate being so sensitive to every word, intonation, action or everyone. Everything gets interpreted as I am bad. I feel so sensitive to everything right now.

I hate that I need therapy. I hate that I need medications. I just want a normal life again, as if I ever had one. I just feel so angry at me that I can’t change more quickly and I see the things that I do and feel and can’t seem to change some of it. I feel like I am really losing it because everything is bothering me.

I think, I just really need lots of hugs and comfort and reassurance that I am okay and that I am going to be okay. And, I’m supposed to be able to do that for myself. I can’t yet. I feel like and infant just screaming at the top of my lungs…I don’t like this. Someone make it better. But, I am not an infant and I have to make it better. Feeling really depressed and hopeless. And, ultimately, I am alone. Speaking existentially.

I’m having a I hate myself and everything tantrum. Sorry.

(I did read this to my therapist, but I still feel like this...I'm have a really tough time. Sorry men, but some of it is because I'm on my period; however, I was like this before, but it is worse now)

((((((((((((((((((((((((CC)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Wow, I have SO been just where you are. It feels awful when day to day life feels too complicated and overwhelming to handle (my breaking point was trying to choose orange juice at the store - kind of like your trying to find shorts to wear last night).

I could not imagine finding my way out of that place, but I did. It wasn't a quick thing...but I knew I had to do something. I really made SURE T understood where I was at, and he started leading me out. I started working with another T (in addition to T) who is helping me with my spiritual/meditation practice. I started a new med. I told H how I was feeling and he finally stepped up to the plate and started helping me out. I gave myself a break and didn't expect so much from myself.

There IS a light at the end of the tunnel, I promise. It's okay to have a tantrum, and to feel bad. But know that the light is here, and that step by step, you can make it here too.

[Sannah]

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by ClinicallyClueless

I think, I just really need lots of hugs and comfort and reassurance that I am okay and that I am going to be okay. And, I’m supposed to be able to do that for myself.

((cc))
hugs you got! you can vent all day, we will listen to you.

hey, it's amazing that you can put a name to all the things you are going through; believe me, being able to name them is powerful, so much better than the black clouds of help-no-brakes that I had. You are in T, which is great; lots of people never allow themselves to ask for any help and just live in pain. and your drive to get well is powerful too and is a good sign. and you are strong; you were even able to go to yr T and tell all of this. I think all that is pretty ok!

[madisgram]

(((CC))) i could so relate to where you are today. i used to feel the same way. once i told my T that i had no control over my life cause bipolar told ME how i was going to feel from day to day. so it's ok to rant. rant all you want and i'll listen. there are so many of us that understand the frustrations you are feeling. you're going to get better...

[pegasus]

[ClinicallyClueless]

sittingatwatersedge,

Thank you. You are right naming it was helpful. After 17 years of therapy with the same T, group therapy and two hospitalizations, I can talk about it. The hard work is worth it, but sometimes I just feel like giving up or so angry that I'm in this place to begin with and that it takes so long. Thank you for the hugs and encouragement.

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

((cc))
hugs you got! you can vent all day, we will listen to you.

hey, it's amazing that you can put a name to all the things you are going through; believe me, being able to name them is powerful, so much better than the black clouds of help-no-brakes that I had. You are in T, which is great; lots of people never allow themselves to ask for any help and just live in pain. and your drive to get well is powerful too and is a good sign. and you are strong; you were even able to go to yr T and tell all of this. I think all that is pretty ok!

[ClinicallyClueless]

Everyone, thank you for the hugs and comments. I'm a bit overwhelmed. I'm just feel like I'm having such a hard time holding it together. It feels like I'm so sensitive to everyone, then I'm crying, or angry, or sad, and it seems to just change. My therapist says that I just have to ride it out and agrees that it sucks and that I feel miserable. No sugar coating which is good. When does it stop hurting so much, I know it will, but when. (rhetorical question)

I think that I will go take a nap now. I'm really tired.

[phoenix7]

Sleep is good, helps provide the strength you need to carry on - this part is hard - trying to get away from yourself is hard - accepting that where you are now is not where you wnat to be is hard - life shouldnt be this hard - but sometimes it is and all you can do is get to the other side - we will walk with you and shine a light on the path, you might trip and stumble but you will get through this - there is light at the end of the tunnell and this journey will make you stronger - try to do 3 things today that are just for you - Smell a flower, go for a walk, watch your favourite dvd -

there is hope and we will keep showing it to you until you can find it yourself - take care P7

[searchingmysoul]

ClinicallyClueless

Huge hug! Take care of yourself tonight.

[ClinicallyClueless]

Phoenix7,

My therapist is asking me to do one thing, so I don't get overwhelmed. So, three is a bit much, but it didn't include a nap. I don't have the concentration, interest or focus to watch even a DVD or a television show. I know there is hope. I just don't like it now.

Thanks,
CC

Originally Posted by phoenix7

Sleep is good, helps provide the strength you need to carry on - this part is hard - trying to get away from yourself is hard - accepting that where you are now is not where you wnat to be is hard - life shouldnt be this hard - but sometimes it is and all you can do is get to the other side - we will walk with you and shine a light on the path, you might trip and stumble but you will get through this - there is light at the end of the tunnell and this journey will make you stronger - try to do 3 things today that are just for you - Smell a flower, go for a walk, watch your favourite dvd -

there is hope and we will keep showing it to you until you can find it yourself - take care P7

[phoenix7]

one is a good start - take care