[phoenix7]

I had a good session yesterday - sorted out a lot of things - thought my T was trying to tell me subtly that T couldnt help me and that my T was going to say "hit the road " so discussed that and its not so (also told T she had to be waaaaay less subtle if she was sending me a message and to just say it)- made some progress - sorted out a direction and got my feet unstuck - felt good yesterday afternoon after the exhaustion lifted (my normal reaction to a session where we discuss difficult things for me) Slept like a log - Brilliant !

today... not so good does this happen to you -? does it stop?

Some really good things came out of yesterday - I didnt have bad thoughts for the WHOLE afternoon! so thats good - I keep reminding myself that - I just wonder why I cant keep it going?

[MissCharlotte]

today... not so good does this happen to you -? yes

does it stop?

no

It does get a little easier but it hasn't stopped at all -- I think of it as the delayed processing syndrome---it hits me sometimes an hour after session and sometimes the next day. Sometimes it helps to write it out but sometimes I can't even write.

I hope you feel better tomorrow.

Originally Posted by phoenix7

today... not so good does this happen to you -? does it stop?

Some really good things came out of yesterday - I didnt have bad thoughts for the WHOLE afternoon! so thats good - I keep reminding myself that - I just wonder why I cant keep it going?

This does happen to me sometimes after a particularly intense session. It used to happen a LOT more - like after every single session!

Now I am better able to hang on to the knowledge that T cares for me, that any good feelings I had after the session were real, and that I don't have to spiral about it. If I need reassurance, I call him for reassurance, because I've found that I REALLY don't like to suffer and sometimes a phone call can work wonders to stop the spiral.

I still get scared sometimes after a session - even if I felt good right when I left. But as my trust increases with T, that seems to be getting better.

I do remember once after my biggest disclosure EVER leaving session and feeling so surprisingly good....and by that night I was a total mess. I left T a message and he called me back and said that it was normal for me to feel that way - to have that old anxiety and fear and self-doubt stirred up, even though I knew I had done the right thing, and had good feelings after doing it. So, at least we're normal

P7 - I'm glad you had a good session. I hope you can hang on to some of those good feelings

[searchingmysoul]

(((((((p7)))))))

Does this happen to you? Yes

Does it stop? Not really.

I am so glad to hear that you went to T and checked out what your T had said and what you had heard! You need to give yourself a huge hug for that.

As far as how you feel during and after a session- I can completely relate. For me these feelings seem to be all over the place though. For example I might have a gut wrenching difficult session then feel crappy for the evening and then feel cleansed, like I am free from the burden, for the next few days. In the case of really good sessions (which I haven't had many lately) those good feelings seem to fade after a day because the other stuff needs tending to. I am, however, getting better about calling if I need to, not letting the negative internal voice take over, finding distractions and other ways to sooth myself, and just generally find balance outside of T. I am still prone to feel really bad at times but I am getting better about seeing that as a transient vs permanent.

[Simcha]

Originally Posted by phoenix7

I had a good session yesterday - sorted out a lot of things - thought my T was trying to tell me subtly that T couldnt help me and that my T was going to say "hit the road " so discussed that and its not so (also told T she had to be waaaaay less subtle if she was sending me a message and to just say it)- made some progress - sorted out a direction and got my feet unstuck - felt good yesterday afternoon after the exhaustion lifted (my normal reaction to a session where we discuss difficult things for me) Slept like a log - Brilliant !

today... not so good does this happen to you -? does it stop?

Some really good things came out of yesterday - I didnt have bad thoughts for the WHOLE afternoon! so thats good - I keep reminding myself that - I just wonder why I cant keep it going?

It's very much PTSD-ish to be inundated like that. Sometimes you know the trigger and other times not so much (subconscious).

You have to have time to build new neural connections. Repairing the body takes time, brain included!

Be good to yourself. REALLY... I mean it. Take it easy and be patient with yourself. You are not defective.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by searchingmysoul

Does this happen to you? Yes
Does it stop? Not really.

.... I am, however, getting better about calling if I need to, not letting the negative internal voice take over, finding distractions and other ways to sooth myself, and just generally find balance outside of T.

same here. and thanks for your comment - it helps me not to feel so badly about placing a call to T this week.

[Lee ann]

You know what I do? I see my therapist once a week but haven't ever called her outside of session times. I've wanted to but I've thought to myself what do I do if she's not here, it's not like she's always going to be here, so I have to learn to deal with things on my own. So I talk to, who used to be God, now not so sure, but I pretend if my therapist was there what I would say to her or how she would work through the situation to help me realise my way of thinking is a bit off. Sometimes, I still feel like I talk to God and he tells me to think outside of myself, think about other people and what they've gone through and how he tells me to have a better grace about myself and when that happens I do act better because the more I try to have grace the more I think God is always watching and he's watching me and you, now. Other times, when I'm really frustrated, I read Walt Whitmans Leaves of Grass, and I remember how we all have some part of a God like quality in ourselves so we should love ourselves like we love our Gods. Maybe that's screwed up but it gets me through the day. Peace, love, and chicken grease.

[madisgram]

for me i see it as a delayed reaction to (though resolved) conflict. i used to be so used to feeling down that i felt more comfortable that way cause it was what i was familiar with. in the situation you mentioned it all turned out well but maybe you are like i was and resorted to the "old tape" the following day.
jme, but as time went on in therapy i found it was okay to feel good. i hope that happens to you too as you continue your therapy.

[chaotic13]

Originally Posted by phoenix7

thought my T was trying to tell me subtly that T couldnt help me and that my T was going to say "hit the road " so discussed that and its not so

I was feeling this way YET AGAIN in my therapy a while ago. This last time when I left a session feeling like she was telling me I was hopeless and that therapy wouldn't help...I didn't wait to clear things up. I immediately emailed her, told her what "I thought" her message was and simply asked her to clarify the message for me. She replied with a 'no that is not what I was saying' message that was very helpful. I did feel a bit stupid for seeking clarification. BUT I also felt good that I asked for clarification instead obsessing over trying to figure out what she was telling me for two weeks.

Exhaustion, sleeping well/then not at all, and flipping a session's good or bad label between sessions happens a lot to me.

Does it stop? I'm not sure yet, but I do know in my case it is either lessening or I am better able to accept that it might be part of the process. It still happens, I just seem to put the mental noise to rest a little better. Also, I've learned to recognize that my mind tends to distort what actually happened during a session as the days pass, especially when difficult/embarrassing topics are discussed.

What helps me is the night after a therapy session I sit in a quite house and just write down everything I can remember about the session. what I said, how topics were raised, my T's responses (sometime I even include quotes and tone of voice and body language), how i responded, how I really wanted to respond, etc. Then later in the week when I start getting paranoid or I start confusing how I feel or judge something and how my T might have felt about it or judged it, I use what I wrote immediately after the session to help me determine what was real and what is now being distorted. These after session transcripts have been very helpful in combating my paranoia and session distortion.

I'm finding that now that I am communicating a little better, less fearful & inhibited during the session and actually speaking up and asking for clarification either during or immediately following the session...that I am feeling the need to do less post session transcript journaling. I think this is a sign of progress. My reflection and ability to challenge my distortions seems a little bit more natural and automatic. This is just a anecdotal observation in my therapy...so I'm not if you will see the same thing in your case.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by chaotic13

What helps me is the night after a therapy session I sit in a quite house and just write down everything I can remember about the session. what I said, how topics were raised, my T's responses (sometime I even include quotes and tone of voice and body language), how i responded, how I really wanted to respond, etc. Then later in the week when I start getting paranoid or I start confusing how I feel or judge something and how my T might have felt about it or judged it, I use what I wrote immediately after the session to help me determine what was real and what is now being distorted. These after session transcripts have been very helpful in combating my paranoia and session distortion.

((((( c13 ))))) thanks for this!! I do this too. It's surprising how much of the session"tape" I can bring back when i go to write it down, and how much of it I can manage to forget - or distort - in just a week or so.

[chaotic13]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

It's surprising how much of the session"tape" I can bring back when i go to write it down, and how much of it I can manage to forget - or distort - in just a week or so.

Exactly until I started doing this I didn't realize how much distorting I tend to do. I think it was Oprah who said something like, 'we are the causes of our own effects.' I do not believe this statement is always true. But, when it come to my anxiety about therapy and other interpersonal interactions, I am definitely play a leading role in creating it.

The really weird thing about the mental tape created is that I can literally play that tape and recall at lot of really fine details even from sessions over a year ago. But then there seems to be whole segments of my past that I can't recall at all. It makes you wonder if the information is there somewhere deep in the brain. Then again maybe the mental details of therapy are there because we are so tuned in and on heightened alert.

[phoenix7]

thats a good idea Chaotic13 and sittingatwatersedge, about writing down what happened - have already picked on somthing that was said and am wondering as to what t "really" meant! I try NOT to do that but I guess I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop! I need to hold onto the good things -

T said she was sorry for things that had happened where people had treated me inappropriately - I said thanks and was thinking "why is she sorry? its not her fault" but it made a difference - I think thats actually the first time someone has said sorry for what happened in the outiside world - no the second! but he didnt mean it and it showed. It made a difference - isnt that strange ... my T is also is the only one who has said to me that being sa when i was a child was not my fault - I always thought it was.....

[ECHOES]

I just wonder why I cant keep it going?

You're learning and growing and I suspect you will be able to keep it going for longer periods as you continue working on these things. It has worked that way for me. When I started feeling like you, the exhaustion lifting and a peacefulness settling in, it didn't always last through the end of the drive home from therapy. lol Now, it can last several days and so I think that's progress.

It is exhausting to be looking for clues and unspoken messages. As you are seeing it's so relieving to talk instead and find out what is going on, which is often not what our fears and insecurities are telling us. Learning to not look for signs/messages/clues *and* being able to test my thoughts about what is going on by talking directly about it is something I keep trying to learn in therapy So, I guess we keep practicing and I trust those good-feeling times will keep lasting longer and longer

[phoenix7]

my T asked me if I had bee testing her? - I realised I had - I had been telling her things about myself, my past, and how I was feeling and waiting for her to go and run screaming from the room LOL

I think I was disclosing a little at a time without thinking about it - I mean if I sound crazy to me I must sound even more crazy to her she told me nothing I had said had made her think worse of me - it was like I had been holding my breath for all the previous sessions - and now I could let it out and breathe. you're right Echoes - its must easier if you ask - and maybe I have finally progressed to a stage where I can.... maybe

I hope the feeling calm times get longer and longer for all of us

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by phoenix7

T said she was sorry for things that had happened where people had treated me inappropriately - I said thanks and was thinking "why is she sorry? its not her fault" but it made a difference -

You are quite right.
one day I told T about something really rotten that my parents (now both gone) had done to me, and she said, Oh! I'm so sorry. I stopped, and sort of blinked, and said, why? you didn't do anything. She said, no, but someone needs to apologize to you for this. It can be me.

[sittingatwatersedge]

(((((((((( echoes )))))))))) thanks for your comments.

[searchingmysoul]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

same here. and thanks for your comment - it helps me not to feel so badly about placing a call to T this week.

sittingatwatersedge

My logical self knows there is no shame in calling between sessions. However, the part of me that was never allowed to ask for what she needed and her needs were minimized and invalidated doesn't know this...It has been a long process to get to a place where I could call...

There is no shame in it though, none at all.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by searchingmysoul

My logical self knows there is no shame in calling between sessions. However [...]

right you are. but... worse and worse. I did call. We set up a time for Thurs PM (today)... & I've just found a message from Tthat she can't make it due to a schedule error.

She was very apologetic, and offered me Fri PM or even over the weekend (something she NEVER does). I am not upset with her at all, but I was upset all right, my reaction was, oh that's just great, let's forget about it, what is the POINT... Then I remembered that I was wanting to talk to her precisely about depression, and "oh just forget it" etc didn't sound very good. So I called back & left a request for phone call on Friday PM.

My reputation as the Needless Wonder is eroding...wonder if I can sell the superhero cape on eBay...
Searching - thanks for the hug, I needed it. back to ya

[searchingmysoul]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

oh that's just great, let's forget about it, what is the POINT... Then I remembered that I was wanting to talk to her precisely about depression, and "oh just forget it" etc didn't sound very good. So I called back & left a request for phone call on Friday PM.

Combatting those old "tapes" is such a pain in the booty! I have that internal struggle so much and it is so painful...

Thanks for the hug!

(Maybe selling the superhero cape is the point?...I am wrestling with what to do with mine right now too...)