[hangingon]

Since my spiral last week after session, I had been so worried to go back this week. Literally I was sitting in my car wanting to run. I got to the waiting room and I was full blown nerves.
So I get in there and we talk about how I feel, I told her I was really nervous and we talked some about that.
Then we went on to talk about much lighter things this time. I am in a new relationship so we discussed that some. We had a good discussion about how in the beginning its great but as soon as things start to become intimate I want to run. Yet I continue to play along for a while and am not able to say no. However, if I meet someone new, I can tell then no no problem if they ask me to do something.

Then she enlightens me lol...she said you were abused sexually by two people very close to you, this may be why its so hard to say no when in a relationship as opposed to when someone is a stranger. It was like a light went off, wow, never thought of it that way. I so fear intimacy yet will keep hanging on to someone pretending things are fine so as not to hurt them, yet, all the while I am hurting myself.

Anyways, at the end she says, so feelings, how do you feel now? I said much better then when I came through those doors tonight, I so wanted to run in the beginning. Then she says I have been in that place. I was thinking what lol, but didn't say anything. She said I know how hard it is, I would email or call and want to cancel ect...she said her T would always say would you please come in and together we can talk about these feelings. There was such sincerity when she was saying this, I felt so much better after hearing her say that, you know that she knows what its like.

I so wanted to ask her why she went to therapy lol...I don't have the nerve yet. All in all, it was a much easier session. She said what I was experiencing is called post traumatic, sometimes your brought back to those same feelings you had at a time when things were going on. It made sense. Hopefully, as things settle with school I can delve back into those issues, I know I need to but they are so freaking scary. The emotions that come with them are all too overwhelming.

hangingon

How cool that T shared her therapy experiences with you. It feels so good when we realize our T's REALLY get where we are coming from.

It sounds like a great session - I'm glad you fought the urge to run. That's how we grow

Originally Posted by hangingon

She said I know how hard it is, I would email or call and want to cancel ect...she said her T would always say would you please come in and together we can talk about these feelings. There was such sincerity when she was saying this, I felt so much better after hearing her say that, you know that she knows what its like.

I so wanted to ask her why she went to therapy lol...I don't have the nerve yet.

That's really nice of your T to share that with you, hangingon. I remember the first time my T told me she had been in therapy, it was really powerful for me. She still brings it up sometimes, I think when she's trying to show me that she gets what I'm feeling. I also haven't asked about why but am a little curious too...but that's so private. I try not to ask her anything personal (I don't want her to feel like I'm invading her space), but I do like it when she shares on her own. It sounds like it was a good session.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by hangingon

Then she says I have been in that place.[...] She said I know how hard it is, I would email or call and want to cancel ect...she said her T would always say would you please come in and together we can talk about these feelings. There was such sincerity when she was saying this, I felt so much better after hearing her say that, you know that she knows what its like.

this is wonderful, hangingon!
I wish i felt the kind of closeness with my T as you have with yours! (it's not her - it';s me of course - well maybe I will get to it some day.) She has told me just a little about herself, she also came from a dysfunctional family and never knew it till she got into therapy of her own.

[hangingon]

Sitting,
I am not really really close yet. I just started seeing her the beginning of December, I still have a ways to go, it takes alot for me to trust. But I am starting to trust her some. We will both get there some time

Earthmama,
Thank you, the urge to run was huge. Just that sick feeling in the stomach, and nerves raging. I don't like people to know that about me. I went in there a bundle of nerves, and actually decided to tell her about it, but I don't think she could see it lol...I held myself together pretty dang good, didn't even drop a tear in that session.

notme9,
Do you think you will ever ask? Somethimes I think, well she is letting this out, perhaps she wants me to know she's human lol....then I imagine she knows that letting that out also leaves the opportunity for one to ask about it, or else she wouldn't do so at all. I don't have the nerve yet, but I may actually do that one day when I get to know her more. My other T never said anything about herself, well one time, just that she wasn't married because I was worried about my age and not having kids yet ect...thats when she told me. I like that my current one shares some, it makes me a little more relaxed with her for some reason.

I told her that I keep trying in relationships but I always bail when a man starts to get more intimate. I said sometimes I just want to give up with it, that I feel its a waste of time, its a never ending cycle for me. She said well your here so I know there is a part of you that doesn't want to give up on that. Then she said you know if you want, you can give up on that. I was thinking what lol, she just said I could give up. I am sure she meant something like just let it be and see where it goes, rather than stressing over it. It was an interesting statement lol maybe I should ask her what she actually meant by it.

[MissCharlotte]

((Hanginon))

I think you are very brave. I think when T can share a bit of themselves with us, we really feel accompanied on the journey, don't we? It's so much less lonely.

It sounds like you are building the foundations of a very trusting and rewarding relationship with this T.

[searchingmysoul]

(((((((((hangingon)))))))))

I hope you are proud of yourself for going, talking, opening up and not running away. That in and of itself is huge.

I love T self disclosure! Disclosure in the right way helps me to feel like I am not alone.

[peaches100]

Hangingon,

I think it's very special (and can be helpful) for t's to disclose certain things about themselves. In your case, knowing that your t has been through similar things helps you to feel that she understands. My t once said something about having therapy, and I asked, "Do therapists have therapy?" She said, "Yes, how do you think we could do this job if we didn't?" (or something like that). But she never disclosed what her therapy was about. . .if it was personal therapy or supervision/consultation. I'd like to know more about her, but then I'd probably spend too much time thinking about her and her issues, rather than my own!

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by searchingmysoul

I love T self disclosure! Disclosure in the right way helps me to feel like I am not alone.

one day T told me that I was "sensitive" and I received that as a criticism - whiny, complaining, is what I heard, and I made a face - she picked up on my expression and she told me, "sensitivity is not a fault and it's not a weakness - I am sensitive myself."
I looked at her and realized she was right - sensitive and caring and balanced and courageous - and I was speechless. This was a kind of self-disclosure that had a whole new effect, so different from "self disclosure" like when she tells me whe went to spend a week with her grandsons...

Do you think you will ever ask?

No, I don't think so, because I never ask her questions about herself. What if she didn't want to talk about it, I think I would feel rejected. Maybe I would if she said something like, Is there something you've always wanted to ask me?, who knows... I'm more interested in her talking about what her experience was like (did she have the same therapist the whole time? did she feel attached?), I guess to know if she really understands the weirdness of it all, than necessarily needing to know why she was in therapy. If you ever do ask, I would love to know how it goes.

[chaotic13]

My T made a therapy comment a few weeks ago... but she chose to be more general in saying, "therapists often do the same thing in their therapy." The way it was stated, it was implied that she was talking about herself.

[hangingon]

notme9
quote] No, I don't think so, because I never ask her questions about herself. What if she didn't want to talk about it, I think I would feel rejected. Maybe I would if she said something like, Is there something you've always wanted to ask me?, quote]

Lol.. my last T asked me this and my response was no (she thought it may help me open up to her, trust her more) , it's just me, I just need more time to get to know you. I too was so afraid to ask in fear of hearing no I can't share that.
If I do end up asking my T this time, I will go in with the thought that the answer may be no, that she can't share that ect....who knows. She told me she was in T for 7 years before starting psych clinicals. She never told me why, but I still wonder. All I know is that I sense that she gets me. It does make it a little easier to open up.

Miss C,
Yes it does make me feel like she is with me in this, rather than just a paid person doing her job. I always had that in the back of my mind, that they just do it for the money. That they are only being nice because they have to ect....

Thanks searching,
I hope to keep at it with this T and not run. I think this is one that I can learn to connect with. I never did that with my last one but kept going hoping that would change, a year later I was still in the same spot with connection. I can't say that year was a waste, more like a stepping stone to where I am today because I had changed some, I never talked about my issues before her.

Peaches thank you as well,
I'm actually not sure why my T went to therapy but she did disclose that she had similiar feelings when going to therapy. Speaking of a therapist needing a T, when I first went to my school counselor, I told her that I was afraid to go that I thought it was only for crazy people. She said no way, said she sees one herself at times, that there are just some things you can't even share with family. I like that she had disclosed that. Gave it some normalcy.

Sitting thats really cool,
I think one of the huge things for me (speaking of disclosure) is that it makes them appear normal, or perhaps makes me feel normal lol...

[hangingon]

Chaotic
How did it feel hearing her say that?

[searchingmysoul]

Originally Posted by chaotic13

My T made a therapy comment a few weeks ago... but she chose to be more general in saying, "therapists often do the same thing in their therapy." The way it was stated, it was implied that she was talking about herself.

Isn't that interesting!? Did you find as a comment that this was helpful? Like maybe you and her are not so different? Your T does sound pretty great...

Originally Posted by hangingon

Thanks searching,
I hope to keep at it with this T and not run. I think this is one that I can learn to connect with. I never did that with my last one but kept going hoping that would change, a year later I was still in the same spot with connection. I can't say that year was a waste, more like a stepping stone to where I am today because I had changed some, I never talked about my issues before her.

(((((hangingon)))))

You did not run from your last T. You thought long and hard about your decision. You were intentional about it, researched other Ts, met them...You were amazing! And you are right, your old T was a step to where you are now. I would imagine that you learned from it many things, one of which was that you would need a different kind of T in order to open up about what you need to open up about. What you knew then and know now needs to be healed. That is great work! Some people never get there...

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

one day T told me that I was "sensitive" and I received that as a criticism - whiny, complaining, is what I heard, and I made a face - she picked up on my expression and she told me, "sensitivity is not a fault and it's not a weakness - I am sensitive myself."
I looked at her and realized she was right - sensitive and caring and balanced and courageous - and I was speechless. This was a kind of self-disclosure that had a whole new effect, so different from "self disclosure" like when she tells me whe went to spend a week with her grandsons...

Yes, therapeutic self disclosure has been a catalyst in my therapy. It has been helpful in the context of where I struggle to hear this person, to whom I am bearing my soul, has also been in therapy for many years and has personally struggled in some of the same ways I currently do. She is also so appropriate about it. I know very little about her personal life, if anything, now that I think about it...Which is intentional also, I am sure. (In the past I have used things like that to deflect from why I am really sitting in that room, lol. I'm pretty good at that....)

My T has been in therapy for something like 9 years. I like that about him. I have the tiniest idea what sent him to therapy to begin with, but I really don't want to know the details.

As for T self-disclosure - my T has become more willing lately to answer little questions I ask him. Early in therapy, I literally did not want to know ANYTHING about him - NOTHING - because I was abused by a T in the past and his excessive self-disclosure was the beginning of what ended up being a very slippery slope (but this was crazy stuff, about his divorce and his sex life!! and things like that. blech).

Anyhow, like searchingmysoul, I am definitely catching myself using his self-disclosure to avoid talking about my own stuff. I DO NOT like to talk about childhood things, and I barely have in 15 months of therapy, and when I feel myself start to thing about those things I'll suddenly ask him "where did that picture on your wall come from?" or whatever. I've just noticed myself doing that lately. I think we've finally got down to the meat of what I don't want to talk about in therapy and I spend a lot of therapy doing a "look over there!!!" kind of thing to distract us both from that possible topic. Hum. I guess now that I'm realizing that I should stop doing it. Eeeek!