Building the wall back up

I have worked on them and for almost 2 years now have been able to keep them. I just don't know what is going on with me right now, and I just know,that in my mind I feel like the world is closing in on me. It scares the crap out of me because I know I can only take so much.

Cai, keep talking and reaching out and trying to understand what is going on with you. I am sorry that it feels like the world is closing in on you. There is always space to find. Is there anything different that you can try to give yourself some peaceful space?

Sannah, when there is no space left for me all I can do is to shut the world out. I don't feel as if there is anyone out there that really cares about who I am, or the pain I feel everyday. So my anger runs really deep, I get scared and lose control. Last night I started doing risky stuff, but didn't even realize what I was doing until my daughter pointed it all. This morning I made a appt. with T because I know I'm probably heading down the path I shouldn't be going. I just need to hold on one more day. I believe in my mind that he at least cares, and he can at least help me clear some space.

No wonder you feel like the world is closing in on you. Boundaries still come to my mind here, boundaries which will give you the space that you need.

I care about you Cai.......

So you get angry, then scared, and then you lose control. Do you do risky stuff to obtain some space do you think? If you could just slow down this progression of anger/scared/lose control?