[Mouse_]

On fridays session T asked me if I'd seen the film the "Magdeline sisters"? and she asked if my birth mother had been catholic..my back was up, yes I said have seen the film but my birth mother wasn't in that home and came to Enland and got pregnant and married then with her first child, just because she was Irish and catholic doesn't make her a saint!!

I got home and emailed T some more because I was screwing but didnt really want to tell T why...but as the wkend went on I calmed down and emailed some more and of course T wasn't trying to gain sympaphy with my birht mother she was trying to help me see where I fit in in society, trying to help me see the way things were in that era..

I told T today that I felt she was about to "take care" of my birth mother and not me, just like my adoptive mother "took care" of my brother and not me, how his adoption story was always greeted with much empaphy and mine just sidelined..I told T I dont want to be back here now, I thought I'd got past this crap...I feel back at sq one, T said, not back at sq 1, but revisiting...

I then talked about how I know my birth mother must have had a terrible existence at some point to do what she did, to have become who she became, but that doesn't stop my hurt..and it doesn't excuse the cruelty she displayed on other siblings..

But what we did get down too, is that I have identified my birth mothers walking away from us all as power, its the way I could get powerful, by Identifying with that "toughness", but of course it wasn't a toughness, I mean it takes more courage to stay and walk through our troubles, but as a child when I first identified in this way I wouldnt have understood that...and thats where the trouble has been in me finding forgiveness for the woman. as I said to T, I mean why the hell can't I see the rest of my birth mothers story??? why can't I except she must have been a very vunrable and sad person...thats when T said about me identifying with what I felt was strenght...

I think today this really finally got through to me, I realised that I've used this to feel strong and now its ok, I can let her be a vunrable and sad humanbeing and I can now generate my own sense of strenght from what I've gone through in life and not through what my birth mother choose to do!..Hallalouya!!!

[lifelesstraveled]

((((mouse)))))

[nowheretorun]

it takes more courage to stay and walk through our troubles...

i am smiling mouse... ty

[madisgram]

(((MOUSE))) what a revalation for you. sometimes walking thru the hurt can be painful but we do learn so much about ourselves and others in the end. i am happy for what you have been able to "see' as a result of this dialogue wtih your t. and good for you for taking a hard look at all this!!! that took courage.

[sittingatwatersedge]

(((((((((( mouse !!!! ))))))))))

[MissCharlotte]

((Mouse))

This feels huge. Congratulations.

Originally Posted by Mouse_

I think today this really finally got through to me, I realised that I've used this to feel strong and now its ok, I can let her be a vunrable and sad humanbeing and I can now generate my own sense of strenght from what I've gone through in life and not through what my birth mother choose to do!..Hallalouya!!!

WOW, Mouse.

I have a great fear of admitting my abusers' vulnerabilities, sadness, etc....to read that you can accept that about your birth mother and still feel your own POWER is....powerful, seriously. I hope I can be where you are someday

[searchingmysoul]

((((((((Mouse))))))))

You have such strength and courage.

[ECHOES]

I might have felt like T was 'taking sides' when refering to the movie..

T said, not back at sq 1, but revisiting...

I love how T's comments can be so gentle, sometimes tension-releiving.

I mean it takes more courage to stay and walk through our troubles

I wonder if you wish your birth mother had the same notion of strength that you do, that would have possibly given her the courage to stay and walk through her troubles.

Some people live their whole lives unable to do that or even consider it. We are the fortunate ones who find it in ourselves somehow to attempt that and live in a time where we have support and T so we don't have to be totally alone in the process. This gives us many more options than others had at other times.

[Mouse_]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

I might have felt like T was 'taking sides' when refering to the movie..

I love how T's comments can be so gentle, sometimes tension-releiving.


I wonder if you wish your birth mother had the same notion of strength that you do, that would have possibly given her the courage to stay and walk through her troubles.

Some people live their whole lives unable to do that or even consider it. We are the fortunate ones who find it in ourselves somehow to attempt that and live in a time where we have support and T so we don't have to be totally alone in the process. This gives us many more options than others had at other times.

On one hand yes I wish my birth mother had yes.

I did ask T the age old question, why did both my mothers do what they did and make no effort to change things??? T said, "I think you underestimate your ablity to think things through and have empaphy for your children...I said, you mean there are people that just can't think things through??? T said I think you have a very strong natural resisilence, perhaps something neither of your mothers had...then the next question is going to be, but why? oh well, mine is not to wonder why, mine is to just do or die...glad its me though....

[pachyderm]

I remember a long time ago when a fellow teacher of my mother's said that my mother had had to endure so much! That was a stunning statement to me, that the other teacher sympathized with the witch without even thinking about how I felt about it or how we children had been treated!

Now I am able to see how "bent" my mother must have been to behave the way she did. But it's taken a long time for me to come to this point -- a long time and a lot of absorbing of care for me. I would not have done it if I had not gotten that.

Originally Posted by pachyderm

Now I am able to see how "bent" my mother must have been to behave the way she did. But it's taken a long time for me to come to this point -- a long time and a lot of absorbing of care for me. I would not have done it if I had not gotten that.

What do you mean, pachy?? That after you had been cared for enough you were able to see more clearly where your mother was coming from??

This conversation kind of terrifies me, honestly.... But I am curious to know how people get to that point of seeing their abusers pain, confusion, whatever. I don't know if I even WANT to get to that point...but then again, I haven't really even started working on childhood stuff yet, so who knows where it will lead me....

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by earthmama

What do you mean, pachy?? That after you had been cared for enough you were able to see more clearly where your mother was coming from??

I meant that being cared for enough allowed me to start believing that caring for myself was OK, plus a lot of thinking-work trying to understand my experience -- and how I too was capable of abusing other people, although I might not actually abuse to the extent that it happened to me.

[chaotic13]

Originally Posted by Mouse_

T said, "I think you underestimate your ablity to think things through and have empaphy for your children.

Another wise statement from your T. Sometimes, we don't give ourselves credit for not thinking twice about putting the needs of our children before our own. This seems like some natural...instinctual thing to do. But not everyone has this instinct and not everyone who has it, is capable of following it.

[Mouse_]

Patchy, Yes I agree, its in finally "getting enought" care from T that is enabling to let go the hurt...

Em, Thats interesting that you say this conversation is scarying you and I fully understand that also...But I can say, this "new" feeling, way of seeing things, does me the world of good, **** knows what it does for my mothers, but thats not the point , but I do get you, and would not suggest forgiveness to anyone else, because its a personal thing and something we do in our own time in our own way...its nothing to wear like a badge of honour, but to help us live the best life we can...

[Mouse_]

Originally Posted by chaotic13

Another wise statement from your T. Sometimes, we don't give ourselves credit for not thinking twice about putting the needs of our children before our own. This seems like some natural...instinctual thing to do. But not everyone has this instinct and not everyone who has it, is capable of following it.

So it seems. I think I've spent so long in the "less than" position, possibly continuing the behaviour I grew up with, that I alwasy felt I was bottom of the pile of humanity and whatever "bad" things others did, well like you state in your other thread, I guess I just deserved it. But to suddenly be lifted up from that kneeling position is enlightning.

[chaotic13]

Mouse I get your comment about feeling like you've spent so much time in the "less than" position.I've always felt like whatever I do, it is never comparable with what others seem to do without seeming little effort.

As for Pachy and EM's comments, I think sometimes I am able to look at the way my parents treated me from their perspective. They are not alive to confirm what they were thinking back then, some of the justifications I've created make me feel a little better. My T this week mention that she has a grandson with ADHD. She said she is amazed sometimes at the amount of negative comments he receives. Don't touch that, stand still, stop doing that,,,, She said she sometimes finds its even difficult for her to deal with. Heck, my parents were dealing with me and had no idea that it could be a medical problem. Not only were they likely drained, they also had to deal with others telling them they were bad parents because their kid didn't listen.