Huge Abandonment & A Big Dilemma

Emilyjeanne,

When I fell into clinical depression, I went to my friend first for advice and help, rather than go to a therapist. When my friend told me she felt I needed professional help, then I started seeing my therapist. But I continued to meet with my friend to discuss my issues and what was happening in my therapy. At the time, I didn't realize that what I was doing would be like "therapy " with my friend. I just thought she was listening and helping support me with my problems. Now, though, I realize that it was too much to put on her shoulders.

I have talked to my therapist about my friend and why I got so attached to her. At the time I got attached, I didn't know why I was drawn so strongly to her. But now that I've been in therapy awhile, I realize that I have alot of unmet needs from childhood. When she began listening to me and trying to help me, it triggered the part of me that never felt close to my mom as a child. And all the memories of times I'd been in pain and faced traumatic events as a kid without receiving support or comfort from my parents. By listening to me, caring, and feeling protective of me, my friend was giving me what I'd never had as a child, and as a result, I got very attached. She was 15 years older than me, just a few years younger than my mom. I began loving her like she was a mom to me.

My t and I have been talking about and trying to work through the issues I have from my childhood. But I find it really painful and have to take it slow. Now that I know I gravitate toward certain types of older women who trigger the needy child part of me, I want to be careful not to repeat what happened with my friend. I don't think it is likely because, even though the unmet needs are still strong, things ended so badly with my friend and it hurt so much, I am not likely to open up to anyone that way again.

OK, it's 2 days before the congregational celebration. As long as I stay in my adult frame of mind, I feel like "Sure, I can go there, keep my mind on the spiritual reasons for the event, and not worry about whether E. is there. No problem. I can handle it." That's how I feel right now. My h calls it my Superwoman stance. The problem is that if I get triggered by something, I can fall apart in an instant. It's as though the hurting little girl part of me surfaces and I do not have control over it. I can suddenly be filled with major emotional pain. If I cannot stave it off and end up breaking down and crying, it can be very, very difficult for me to regain control.

Since the friendship broke up, I've seen her from a distance 2 or 3 times, but have never come face to face with her. Each time, I handled it initially, but broke down when I got home, and felt very depressed for several days afterward. This will be the first time I am in close quarters with her. There will be 250 to 300 people at the event in one big room.

Because of how angry and forcefully she ended our friendship, I really doubt she will even approach me. However, there is always a chance. I'm afraid that if she approaches me, or I approach her to say hello, I might lose my composure and start crying. I would really, really hate to do this in front of all those people. Though most people would be busy conversing with one another, likely a few people would see me crying. Also, I don't want to give my former friend an ego boost by seeing how much the loss of her friendship has affected me. I've decided that I just can't risk approaching her, and if she approaches me, I'll say Hello and then find a way to gracefully exit. The thing is, I'm afraid that I might get triggered and cry just from seeing her and being in the same room with her. Like I said, I feel like I can handle it now. But once I get there, I may feel much different.

This same event is being held all over the world on this same date in my religion. So I could easily attend it at a different local congregation. My husband thinks I should attend elsewhere because he does not feel that I will be able to handle it. In fact, he's a little angry that I have been planning to attend where I know I will see my former friend. Though my t has not said so directly, I believe she would like me to use my coping skills and inner resources to overcome my fear and attend the event with my own congregation, even though it means seeing my former friend. I don't know what to do.

In some ways, I'd like to be strong enough to go and not get triggered and not let her presence hurt me. Right now, in my adult frame of mind, I feel that I can do it. But I know from experience that if the child part of me gets triggered, I could suddenly spiral down.

I'm getting nervous and just don't know what to do.

((((((((((((((((Peaches)))))))))))))))))))) That is a huge dilemma.

Have you tried praying about it?? Sometimes if I can let myself and my thoughts get quiet enough, it's easier to know the right thing to do.

I guess that deep down, even though she cast me off, I still miss the good times we had. I miss her. I miss how we used to have occasional lunches together. We'd sit on her back patio and talk. She'd read my letters and poems, and we'd talk about them. It was the first time I ever really felt listened to. After being a clam and not opening up any of my deep feelings to anybody for years, I got vulnerable with her and told her everything. I felt that for once, somebody knew all of me and still accepted me.

Whenever it was time to go, we would hug goodbye. She was the only friend I think I ever said "I love you" to, and she told me she loved me also. She also told me once she felt like I was her soul mate. I felt that I loved her more than I loved my own mother. I told her this and many other things. All those letters she has where I told her how much she meant to me, and how afraid I was that she'd abandon me. The poems I wrote her. Now I just feel sick thinking about it. I wish I'd never trusted her with my inner self.

As an adult, I can be a little more rational. I can see where I put too much hope in my friend, idealized her too much, expected too much from her. But it's also true that I was very ill at the time, in the middle of a terrible clinical depression. I was afraid and did not know what was happening to me. I needed help, and nobody understood or was there for me. When she stepped in to help, and acted so caring, it was impossible not to be affected by that. Though I did not understand at the time that I had child parts of my personality who were holding old pain and unmet needs from the past, looking back, I know those child parts of me became very attached to her. When she rejected me, it felt just as bad or worse than the feeling I have that my parents rejected me. Once more, someone had seen the true me and found me bad, unworthy, and not good enough. I'm telling you, it nearly killed me emotionally. It still does when I think about it. Even after 6 years, it hurts SO, SOOOOO much.

I have to quit typing or I'm going to cry.

Treehouse,

Yes, I've been praying about it.

Well, TODAY'S the day. I still have not decided if I will attend the event where I will run into my former friend or if I'll go to a different congregation for the event. I'll have to decide soon. I have an appt with t today at 1 PM. Hopefully, she can help me decide what to do. That, and alot of prayer!

I just got back from seeing my t. I decided I am going to the event with my own congregation, even though my former friend will be there. I told t my fear was that I would lose my composure and cry. T asked me if I'd ever seen anyone else cry in my congregation? I told her occasionally, but I would feel embarrassed crying because I would not want my former friend to see it and think/know I was crying about the ending of our friendship. T asked me, "How would she know that? Can she read your mind? If you came to my office crying, I wouldn't know what you were crying about." I guess that's true. My former friend wouldn't know why I was crying. But still, I told t I just don't want to break down at all.

I also told her my husband wants me to attend elsewhere. He does not want me to be near my former friend because he does not think I will be able to handle it emotionally. T asked me if my husband's doubts about my ability to handle it made me question myself? I told her NO. Usually, he is right. I always think I can handle more than I can. Then I find out I can't!

What we finally decided was for me to visualize the part of me that feels like a hurt little girl being in a safe place. T said I could even imagine her staying at t's office with her if I wanted to. So I'm imagining her in t's office with a blanket, pillow, and stuffed animal, and t said she will be available to look in on her and soothe her if needed. My thinking of it in terms like that, I can go to the event tonight with my mind made up to stay in my adult frame of mind. I hope it works.

(((((peaches)))))

(((Peaches))) just sending you good vibes. Hope you do well.

I DID IT!!!

I went to the congregational event last night.

I did not see my former friend at all.

I don't know if she was there, and I just did not see her. . .

. . .or if she decided to attend elsewhere.

I was going to leave right after the event, but people from my old congregation kept coming up to me, wanting to say hello and hug me. I was very surprised. I don't know what to think.

When I changed congregations 6 years ago, people had a bad view of me. Many thought that I had caused my own depression because I was spiritually weak, engaging in self-pity, or that my husband who was leaving the religion was pulling me out with him. Once I changed congregations, only 2 or 3 people in my old congregation (which I attended for 12 years) even called and left a message, wondering how we were. After that, nothing. No visits. NO phone calls. Nothing.

For several years since, I've struggled alone with my anxiety and depression, without any contact with any of my former friends or acquaintances in my old congregation. Even though I was the one who left, I still felt absolutely abandoned, not just by my close friend, but by everyone. I felt that i had to leave because of what happened with my friend. I couldn't bear to stay. And it just felt like nobody understood what was going on and that people were being critical of me rather than wanting to understand and help. When I left and nobody missed me, I felt even worse. I felt like no one even noticed I was gone or cared. This was so hard for me because, not having been close with my parents, I had learned to view my congregation as my spiritual family. It felt like I'd been rejected by my family all over again.

So. . . that's why I felt surprised last night that so many people wanted to talk to me and hug me. Everyone seemed so happy to see me. Did I misunderstand their view of me when I left the congregation? Did they decide I was not bad after all? Or did they view me as "the prodigal son" who left the religion and now was back? The truth is, I never did leave the religion -- only that congregation. Just because I haven't seen them for 6 years doesn't mean I've fallen off the edge of the earth. Why did they want to talk to me yesterday when none of them made any effort to contact me after I'd gone? In some ways, I feel happy, as the response they gave to seeing me was totally unexpected. I never thought I would get such a warm welcome. I just. . .don't quite understand.

Maybe it doesn't matter. Maybe I don't need the answers. But the bottom line was that I did not see my former friend who dumped me. There will be another shared religious event in 2 weeks, but a much larger one (800+ people). Maybe I will see her there. But now that I got brave enough to go last night, maybe I will be a little less scared the next time. There isn't really a reason to be scared of my former friend. I think it's just the little girl part of me that felt so, so incredibly abandoned when she ended our friendship. Maybe I should not, but I miss her. I think, when I attend the larger event in 2 weeks, I will do the same thing I did last night: visualize that hurting little girl part of me all tucked into a safe secure place. . .and then attend as the adult that I am.

Hi peaches100
Yes it was a very long post and I read every word of it and others that you have wrote in the past as well as your responses lonnnnnnnnnng…lol. You write very well. I am so proud of you for standing up for yourself, and not giving in to the fear of seeing your former friends. Fear it an ugly thing and that is what holding you back from opening up with others again keep taking baby steps and you will learn how to master it (Fear). You are a sweet loveable and caring person no one in their right minds can say you are not. Your friend had your own issues going on at the time and yes I agree with you that I was counter-transference. The way the friendship ended it was not your fault I am sure you have heard that a million times already but I also wanted to say that too. Sometimes people come into our life at a particular time, and for a particular reason to help us help ourselves. The best thing out of all this is that you were able trusted her so that main you can trust again keep working with your therapist and trust her so you can and will heal your self and continue to live and enjoy life. Sometimes we want our friendships’ to last forever, but nothing really last for ever my dear. I am glad you went and had I great time.
P.S. I love the way you articulate yourself. Happy ester

In due time you will get over the last of the friendship. just keep looking ahead.

((((((((((((((((((((((((peaches)))))))))))))))))))))))))

You did it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wow, I am so proud of you You and T came up with a great strategy. And I'm so glad people from your old congregation were so loving and accepting when they saw you...

I hope this is a turning point for you. I'M breathing a big sigh of relief!!

it sounds like she was willin gto be supportive as long as you were doing what she thought was right - a good friend would have supported you in your decisons - she may not agree with them - but the support should be there - unfortunatley I think you trusted a person who had issues of her own - I am sorry you lost a friend and your peotry and diaries.

Dont let this stop you from trying again in a smaller way to trust people - and if you should see her - just be polite - say Hi an then walk away - it sounds like its too painful a relationship to maintain

take care

ok so I missed aWHOLE PAGE ! geez! but I am so glad things went well and that it was a positive event for you - good on you for being so brave