Reality Check

Have you ever had one of those weeks were... reality sets in and you realize you aren't much different after all.

This week I found myself yet again facing someone expressing very deep and strong emotional attachment towards me and the only thing I could find to say was "I'm sorry". It seems like I've found myself facing someone who I've inadvertentely hurt and been unable to answer their questions too many times to even count.

I thought with over a year an a half of therapy under by belt, I would be able to connect to.... something... some emotion... if not love then anger... something! Guilt seems to be the only think I can feel.

I've noticed also that the connected feelings I started to feel in therapy are also gone. If my T called tomorrow and said, "hey I'm cutting back my patient load and.. I can't see you any longer." I think I would miss the chats... but would soon move on to filling that hour with some other activity--whatever. I haven't even wanted to talk or email my T this week.

A good friend was going to visit this weekend, but had to cancel. I heard myself on the phone saying, "Ah, that's ashame, we'll have to get together another time." But inside, I realized I had already filled the time block with something else before she even finished explaining why she couldn't visit--whatever!

Last week I was thinking about my parents and maybe trying to do something special to acknowledge them this week. That motivation has been lost--whatever. I'm not feeling bad about my childhood drama, my parent's passing, the life I could have had if only I had...bah..bah.. bah. Now that I've talked about the abuse... I'm kind of like WHATEVER.

I know it might sound like I am depressed, but I really don't feel depressed. Dispite the turmoil earlier this week, I've been very productive and handled the situation OK. I'm just feeling like...whatever.

I guess I am just feeling like the strides I thought I was making in deeply connecting to people just vanished this week. I'm just as much of a disconnected person as I've always been.

maybe the difference now is that you can see that im not much good at the moment - but I want you to know you are not alone in feeling disconnected - it wasnt until I started therapy that I truly realised how disconnected I am and maybe that is the start of getting better? no matter how long it takes - or how much work we have put in or are going to have to put in to get connected - I think it will be worth it - hang in there

and as for realising that you are not very different to when you started - I changed anti d's recently and the turmoil that came to the surface was the same as when I started my journey - so I suppose it shows the antid;s were having an effect but if its all still there does that mean therapy is not working... or probably I just have to work harder....

take care Chaotic13

chaotic, I don't know what to say. I know I've been seeing my t over 5yrs now and I STILL STRUGGLE TO BE PRESENT with people close to me, I just have to catch myself doing it and make myself be there. I also think that we sometimes go backwards to learn alittle bit more and then we can correct it. a yr and half isn't really a big lenght of time where healing is concern. Someone use to tell me that It took a long time to get good and lost in the forest and it takes just as long to come back.

P7 ...silverlining.. I needed that, thanks. I can say that therapy has made me more aware of when I am feeling something...and unfortunately when I am feeling nothing.
This is true for me too. Its at least given me a glimpse into the emotional world that others see to live in. I still can't seem to go there, but I know it is there.

IDK, I've been working pretty hard. Maybe I just don't have "?". Whatever it is that others have to emotionally attach to people.

This is an interesting statement. I did catch myself. My H was so emotional. At one point, I heard myself say...breathe girl, go inside and find SOMETHING to express. All I could say was "Sorry, the drawings and thoughts you found were personal and not meant to be shared."

I think the hardest part of this is...no matter how hard I try, I always end up HERE. In an unbalanced deep emotional exchange with someone. Where the other person expresses deep feelings...and I've got nothing to say back.

I do try to warn others. When H and I first started dating told him...I need my space and freedom.I remember one time saying that I was like my cat. She'll come sit on your lap and accept your attention, but then turn and bite you for no reason. I also said repeately, I'm no Martha Strewart so don't expect a clean, knick-knack fill house. I'm just a B****. But he didn't listen and how he is hurt.

At the moment I can't think of a single relationship that I've had that didn't involve this type of unbalanced exchange. I guess I just don't get why people allow themselves to get so attached to someone me? Even after I repeately warn them---I BITE!

Chaotic,
I can very much relate to what you are saying. I always tend to seperate from people when they get close. I look for things that I don't like in them to give me a way out. Then I slowly distance myself. I am beginning to realize its very much a protective mechanism for me.

Deep down, I feel like you in a sense. Like why would anyone want to be with me, no one should have to deal with my needing my space ect. My inability to really show emotion, or to receive such and expression from others. Maybe deep down it's because I feel like I don't deserve it. I don't do it to be cold to others, thats furthest from my mind and heart.

It's just safety issue for me in not getting to attached to others. Less emotion and disappointment involved that way. I realize now it's because people very close to me, who were suppose to care for me, had not been protective of me and even hurt me.

I to tend to feel so guilty. I just broke up with a guy I had been seeing for a few months because I just didn't feel an attraction. But it was so hard to do because he really, really liked me. I found myself feeling so guilty, telling myself see, you just broke another person's heart. That is all you are good for, maybe its best that you (speaking of myself) stay away from people so that you don't hurt them anymore.

I wish I knew just why I do this stuff. I know trust and abandonment are huge issues for me. It can be very confusing.
I'm sorry you are feeling so disconnected, I just want you to know, I have been there and I know how empty it can feel.

That does not sound like a "whatever" emotion to me...

I know pachy...But I don't mean to, I try not to, its not premetitated, it just happens. I don't even stalk my prey --they find me!

Honestly, the cat metaphor is really what it is like. I don't listen or come when called-- unless I feel like it. I'm content to be ignored as long as I have food and water. I don't mind doing my job and keeping the mice and chipmunks out of the basement. If I'm cold and your warm, I'll snuggle up and sleep with you sometimes--but I'm just as content curled up in the sock drawer. When I do want attention, I'll come and nudge you for some petting and a scratch behind the ears.But beware, when I've had enough I simply turn without warning and claw and bite you and walk away like its nothing.

BTW, H can't stand our cat.