[peaches100]

***THIS IS VERY LONG, SO YOU MAY NOT WANT TO READ IT***

A few years ago, I fell into a very serious clinical depression, the first I’d ever had. I lost 26 pounds and was very ill. Suddenly, I was filled with all sorts of pain and shame and other terrible feelings, as well as bad memories from my past. I was also scared and confused because I did not understand what was happening to me. At the time, I had a couple of good friends and a few friendly acquaintances in my congregation, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell any of them what was happening to me. They had only known me as a happy person. I did not feel they would understand all the terrible thoughts and feelings that I was having. I did not feel like I could talk to them about my past abuse or any of the ugly stuff. Also, some of my problems at that time involved my marriage, and since most of our friendships were with other couples, my friends were friendly with my husband. I did not feel right about divulging my personal grievances about my husband to them. So I didn’t seek help from anyone. When people would ask how I was doing, I would smile and say “Fine, how are you?”

Three or four people initially showed concern for me, but when I didn’t open up to them, they backed off, along with the remainder of my acquaintances. I isolated myself and continued to spiral down.

Then, a woman I knew, but not well, reached out to me. She was 15 years older than me and very intelligent. She’d had a daughter who suffered with depression in the past and recognized it in me. She inivited me to come to her home once a week to talk about my feelings and problems with her. Though I'd avoided divulging anything to anyone else, something about her drew me to her. She made me feel safe and cared about. I could sense that she felt protective toward me. I opened up to her about everything, both in letters and in person. For the first time since my childhood, I risked being vulnerable and sharing with her all the confusion and pain I had inside me. Her concern and interest in helping me touched my heart. I became very attached to her, almost the way a child would with a parent.

For 5 years, we were close, and during all this time, I divulged to her my deepest thoughts and feelings and struggles, as well as what was going on in my therapy. I also talked with her about some spiritual questions/doubts that were troubling me. I felt so grateful to her for caring about me and bought her gifts, sent her cards and flowers, and shared my poetry with her. Looking back, I realize she never gave me cards or gifts, but the giving of her time felt like a huge gift to me. I didn’t even feel worthy of that.

For quite a long time, we seemed to have this very strong bond. I loved her like a mother, and she told me she loved me too. She also told me once that I felt like her soulmate. We talked about our hobbies sometimes, like my poetry or her mathematics, and about our religious beliefs. But mostly, it was a helping relationship. I’d never felt attached to anyone in this way before. Though I didn’t know anything about having a hurt inner child part of me, I realize now that I had trusted her with this part of me. I’d closed away all my pain since childhood and now for the first time, I was opening up this most painful and young part of me to her. Though I’d never felt abandonment fears with any of my friends before, I felt them with her. I constantly worried that she would reject me, and she would always reassure me, “I’m not going anywhere.” She also said, “One day, you will see and be able to believe, I am not going to abandon you.” In some way, it felt like she was somebody that I’d always needed in my life, and I just felt so grateful to have this relationship.

At one point during my depression, my husband and I were going through a particularly rough patch. I admit that I told my friend about all the negative things he’d done, and why I was upset with him. I also wrote a lot of letters and journaled my feelings. Because I did not want my husband to find my writings and feel bad, my friend offered to let me store my letters to her and journaling at her house. As time went on, I also wrote poems that I shared with her. We also stored these at her house, as she talked about helping me get published. Many of these were original poems. I did not keep a copy of them, as I figured I’d get all the stuff back from her later.

Over time, my friend came to the conclusion that my husband was the main source of my depression. I felt this way for awhile myself, and decided to take a temporary break from him, so I moved out of the house and stayed at a motel for 2 weeks. My friend was glad I’d done this and remarked, “I wondered why it took you so long.” During that 2-week period, my husband and I each met separately with our congregation elders and talked to them about our marital problems and my depression. My husband also agreed to start individual therapy. I decided to return home. I knew my friend didn’t agree with my decision, but she didn’t push the matter.

Afterwards, my friend and I continued to be friends, but over the next 1-1/2 years, she started putting distance between us. She would call and leave me short messages, but she stopped inviting me to her house to talk. The few times we did get together, it was because I asked her if we could set a day and time to do so. Occasionally, she agreed. But she seemed cooler toward me. Where she used to fix us hot tea and a small snack, she stopped offering that. When I would leave, she would no longer say “Oh please, stay for a little while longer.” When I would call her, she would always let me know that she was busy doing something. She did have a lot going on in her life, so I assumed she was telling me the truth. But underneath, I began to fear she was abandoning me. Where we’d been originally meeting together every week, we had only met together 3 times in that year.

Then one day, I had a meltdown and was hospitalized for suicidal thinking. I can’t say for sure what brought it on. My friend came to visit me while I was hospitalized. The psychiatrist there diagnosed me with BPD, and I shared that information with my friend. But she disagreed with the diagnosis. She was still convinced that my husband was causing my problems. After my release from the hospital, my friend continued acting cool toward me.

After being released from the hospital, my husband and I each continued in individual therapy, and we kept working on our marriage. My husband was diagnosed with bipolar disorder shortly afterward. I read up on bipolar disorder, and it shed a lot of light on his behavior. Though I wasn’t condoning some of the things he’d done, I understood that the bipolar disorder (particularly mania) was behind a lot of it, and that not everything he’d said and done was willfull. I shared this with my friend also.

Things were working out much better in my marriage, and I told my friend this. I said I regretted some of the things I’d written about my husband in my letters to her, so I asked her to destroy the letters and journaling that I’d stored at her house. She didn’t want to destroy them. She wanted me to re-read them and remember all the things that had made me upset and unhappy in my marriage. I told her that I didn’t want to re-read them. I just wanted to move on. Reluctantly, she agreed to destroy them, but did not follow through. So I finally agreed to re-read them. I told her that if we could set up a time, I’d come to her house and go through all my writing, decide what to keep, and what to throw out. She never invited me over to do it.

Soon afterward, during a phone conversation, she told me she had decided not to destroy the letters. She also refused to return them. She told me that she needed to keep the letters as “proof,” in case I killed myself. She said if that happened, my husband would blame her. My friend claimed my husband would sue her and try to take everything she had. So she needed the letters as proof that she had actually helped me. I was shocked. I couldn’t believe she wouldn’t return my writing. I was also shocked that she would think that, if I died, my husband would sue her, or that anyone would hold her responsible for my outcome. I told her that, as an adult, she wouldn’t have any responsibility for what I did. My husband and I agreed to sign and notarize a statement that we would not hold her responsible for anything that happened to me in exchange for my writing. She refused.

In the meantime, my friend heard some gossip about my husband and asked me if it was true. I knew for a fact that it was false, and I told her so. She acted like she did not believe me.

At that point, my friend stopped contacting me completely. Almost a month went by without my hearing anything from her. I knew she was angry with me, but I couldn’t figure out what I’d done wrong. I couldn’t understand her suddenly paranoid thinking, I was upset that she wouldn’t return my writing, and hurt that she wouldn’t accept that I’d made a decision to work things out with my husband. All my fears of rejection began coming up, but I remembered that she’d told me she would never abandon me. Still, I began feeling very scared.

At this point, I called my friend twice, and left a message on her answering machine. I told her that I knew she was upset with me, and that I really wanted us to get together to talk about it. I told her that I realized that I had contributed to things going wrong, and I was really sorry. I told her that her friendship meant a lot to me, and that I wanted to understand what I’d done wrong so that I didn’t repeat the same mistakes in other relationships. She wouldn’t return my calls.

The third time I called, my friend picked up the phone. When I told her I wanted to talk things over, she blasted me. She told me that I’d lied to her regarding the gossip she’d asked me about earlier. I told her I did not lie to her, I told the truth. But she said “three other people told me it was true, so I know you are lying.” All I can think of is that those 3 people just repeated the gossip they’d heard from somebody else, because I knew for a fact that the gossip was not true (I was there at the time.) But my friend would not believe me. She called me a liar, and told me she believes I’d been deceptive about other things too. She accused me of trying to weaken her faith in God and referred to a scripture that speaks of those who have departed from the faith and now walk as enemies of Christ’s torture stake. She also told me that if I started meeting my Christian obligations and took a stand against my husband, “everything will be good with us,” but if I did not, “you will never hear from me again.”

I was completely floored. I could not believe the things my friend was saying. I could not believe that’s what she thought of me. How could she say/do this? I was heartbroken, just sick. I couldn’t believe she was giving me an ultimatum. As much as it absolutely killed me, I knew that I could not submit to her ultimatum. I did not want to leave my husband, and I did not feel it was the right thing to do. Right then, I decided to change congregations. I was so hurt and felt so abandoned. I’ve never felt so incredibly hurt in my whole life. I’d trusted her and opened up my vulnerability to her. I’d been honest with her about everything. I loved her. And though she promised she never would, she abandoned me. I mailed her the few things I had at my house that belonged to her. She never returned my things. True to her word, I never heard from her again. I have seen her 2 or 3 times from a distance in her car, but that’s it. It has been 6 years, and I still cry when I talk about it.

Although I am in a new congregation now, it is still the same religious affiliation. Occasionally, we both attend a combined religious event. These have always been large events, with several hundred people, so it has been pretty easy to avoid running into her. However, to do so, I have to arrive at the last minute, and leave immediately afterward, and leave and have lunch alone to avoid the possibility of running into her. This makes it impossible for me to fellowship with anyone else either. After being hurt so very badly, I’m afraid to make friends, and don’t believe I can open up at all to anyone now. But having to avoid everyone, it makes me feel so alone.

There is a significant religious observance coming up in about 2 weeks, and I have learned that my current congregation will be meeting with my former congregation at this event. It will be a much smaller crowd: about 200 people in the same large room. I can choose to attend the event there, or observe it at a different location. I don’t know what to do. In some ways, I am tired of feeling like I have to hide to avoid my former friend. But the hurt is still so deep, I’m afraid that if I come face to face with her, I will fall apart. Even seeing her nearby will likely trigger me.

My therapist says that I am expending a whole lot of energy trying to avoid my former friend. She asked me, if I internalized her (my therapist’s) caring about me and pictured her with me, did I feel that I could attend the same event where my former friend will also be? I just don’t know. I seriously doubt my former friend would approach me. But even so, I don’t know if I can handle it. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry.

[peaches100]

I feel so awful about how things ended with my friend. I know that she was probably doing what she thought was right by encouraging me to leave my husband, because after all, I'd complained to her about all the things he did to upset me. But I never meant for her to make the decision for me about what to do. I thought she would be a listening ear and support me while I made my own decisions.

She'd always told me that what she liked about me was my honesty and she thought I was a spiritual person. Yet when she ended our friendship, she accused me of the opposite: saying I was a liar and that I'd endangered her spirituality. She also did the one thing she promised she'd never do: abandon me.

How could things have gone so wrong?

I realize now I should not have put all my eggs in one basket, expecting her to be the sole person to support me in my depression. But she offered to help me, and I thought she was capable of it. I didn't want to spread my "dirty laundry" around the congregation, it was all so personal. I just wanted one friend who could understand, one friend I could trust with my pain and hurting, one person I could reveal my real true self to that would accept me and love me despite it all.

It has left me feeling so broken, even after all this time. It brings back all my abandonment fears from my childhood. Since I opened up fully to my friend and was rejected, it feels like it confirms the worst fears of my innner child: that I am bad and unloveable.

[darkrunner]

(((((((((((((((((((Peaches))))))))))))))))))))

Your post was long, but I want you to know I read every word.
It does sound like an incredibly painful situation.
I could relate to some of it, because I also confided in a third party about the problems in my marriage, and it also turned out very badly.
I learned that I should never have confided in anyone, and that in some respects it was a betrayal of my husband to do so.
I now know should have sought professional counseling from the start, because I think sometimes when we confide only the bad things about our H to a close friend, they become so biased that they are later unable to accept the good things.

Are you afraid something will happen if you encounter your friend at a church function? Do you fear that she will confront you with what happened? It sounds like she would simply ignore you and, as painful as it may be, it may not be a reason to avoid her. Perhaps the more you come in contact with her the easier it will be. But I think it would also be understandable to avoid the church event and her her if that's what you want, for now. There really is no point in putting yourself in a situation that might just cause you more pain.

I think it was wrong for her to keep your journals and poems. I don't know what you can do to get them back, but I definitely think you have a right to get them back.

You are NOT bad OR unlovable. Your husband must love you - the proof is he is willing to go to counseling to work on your marriage, right?

Your feelings of abandonment are completely understandable. I think it is good that you are working on this with your T.

Though she was a good friend and advisor, she is only human. It sounds like she is being unreasonable now, with the ultimatum and all the rest, but maybe she is having her own problems or even mental health issues. Is it possible that SHE is feeling abandoned by you?

IMO, the wisest thing to do is maintain and accept the separation from her, and make your health and your marriage the main priorities.

I'm sorry this is so painful......
Hang in there, Peaches.

[pachyderm]

I am impressed by your story. You are not bad and unlovable. Not sure I have any words of wisdom; that is a very hard thing to cope with. Do you know anything more about your friend's life that would help explain why she acted the way she did?

[peaches100]

Ktgirl,

Thank you for caring enough to read the whole post. I agree with you that I should never have told my friend about my problems with my husband. I guess I assumed that she would support me regardless of how things turned out. I thought that if things improved with my marriage, that she'd be glad we managed to resolve things and stay together. It never occurred to me that if I told her about the bad things my husband did, that it would turn her against him permanently and that it would bother her enough to end our friendship over it.

I also think you are right that it constitutes a type of betrayal of my husband. I feel really bad about it now. But at the time, I felt like I needed someone to talk to about things. In our religion, counseling is not looked too highly upon, so I felt I should talk with somebody in my congregation too would help me view things in a spiritual way. However, I can see now that it was a mistake. I would have been much better off to talk confidentially with my therapist and not confide in my friend. I wish I could do it over again. Even though the things I told her about my husband were true, I feel really guilty for turning my friend against him. I also fear that someday the things I wrote about him will come back to haunt us later because even though she said she'd keep everything confidential, I know she has talked and/or shared what I wrote with other people who know us. And as far as I know, she still has everything I wrote.

[SpottedOwl]

(((((peaches100)))))

Wow...I'm so sorry you having to deal with this right now.

It can be so easy to get caught up in self-beating talk of what you could have done differently, but all that does is make you feel worse.

Can you take a step back and see what lesson there is to learn from this situation?

If you do see your friend, maybe you can ask her to pray with you? Religion is what first brought you together, so go back to the strong foundation you both share and start from there??

I'm sorry if this doesn't help. Just know I read your story, and you are in my thoughts.

[peaches100]

Pachyderm,

You asked me:

Do you know anything more about your friend's life that would help explain why she acted the way she did?

Actually, yes. Looking back, I think there was transference going on with my friend on I, on both sides. But I only see this in hindsight after much therapy and giving it a great deal of thought.

I think that when I was so deep in depression, and this woman came to my aid, that my attachment needs from childhood entered into the picture. The depression had brought back the memories and needs of the past, when I had suffered traumatic events and my mom did not respond to help or protect me. Perhaps I made this woman a mother figure and then looked to her to rescue me from what seemed like a current trauma (my marriage problems).

I also think my friend had transference going on. She'd had a daughter who had suffered depression and had been suicidal in the past. She'd had a husband who in the past had left the religion and they divorced. I know she was still very bitter toward her ex. I would guess that her fears about me committing suicide and my husband blaming her and suing her really were unresolved feelings from her past. Perhaps years before, when her daughter was suicidal, she feared she would commit suicide and her husband would take her to court and blame her. I can see now how my hospitalization could have triggered this reaction in her.

I can also see now why my friend may have reacted the way she did when I chose to stay with my husband. My husband quit the religion several years ago, and my friend viewed him as a bad spiritual influence on me. I think that when I revealed to her my spiritual questions/doubts, she felt that my husband was taking me out of the religion along with him. However, I think her reaction was based on her own prior experience with her husband and daughter. When her husband left the religion, the daughter left too. Perhaps she felt that her husband had become a bad spiritual influence on her daughter, and that her daughter was siding with/choosing her dad instead of her. So these feelings got transferred onto my husband and me. Because of this, she began viewing me as a bad spiritual influence on her and assumed I was leaving the faith, making me choose between the relationship with her or with my husband.

I've thought about this alot, and that's what I've come up with. I think there was transference going on with myself and my friend, based on our own unresolved issues from the past. I wish so badly that I had known then what I know now.

[peaches100]

Then again, I could be all wrong about it.

But this relationship with my former friend was so significant to me, and has hurt me so incredibly deeply, that I've spent a long time trying to understand how things got so muddled up and went so wrong.

I am just SOOOOO sad things ended up the way they did. I just wish we could have talked it over. I wish I could tell her what I understand now about transference and about what i think happened back then. But there's just no way to do it. My friend is the type who cuts her losses and moves on. She told me once, "I'm the type of person that, once I realize that someone is a user or is taking advantage, I cut the tie quickly and mercilessly." I remember when she told me that, years ago, I said, "Please don't ever do that to me! If you ever get really upset with me, please, let's talk it over." But that's exactly what she did. . .cut me out of her life quickly and mercilessly. I'm pretty sure she is glad to be rid of me and my problems. I doubt that she misses me or wishes we could be close again. In fact, I imagine that if I go to the shared congregation event and she sees me, it will probably fire up all of her hatred of my husband and digust with me.

I wish I could get over this and move on. I feel like this experience has left such a huge gaping wound inside me. I still love my former friend and miss the good times. I'm so sad about the way she viewed me at the end, the anger she had toward me, and the things she accused me of doing that I didn't do. I feel so sad that she has misunderstood so much about me and never allowed the opportunity for us to talk things out peacefully. I fear that I will never be able to trust anyone again enough to allow anything more than superficiality. Aside from my husband, I don't think I'm capable of loving or attaching again.

[darkrunner]

Originally Posted by peaches100

Ktgirl,

Thank you for caring enough to read the whole post. I agree with you that I should never have told my friend about my problems with my husband. I guess I assumed that she would support me regardless of how things turned out. I thought that if things improved with my marriage, that she'd be glad we managed to resolve things and stay together. It never occurred to me that if I told her about the bad things my husband did, that it would turn her against him permanently and that it would bother her enough to end our friendship over it.

I also think you are right that it constitutes a type of betrayal of my husband. I feel really bad about it now. But at the time, I felt like I needed someone to talk to about things. In our religion, counseling is not looked too highly upon, so I felt I should talk with somebody in my congregation too would help me view things in a spiritual way. However, I can see now that it was a mistake. I would have been much better off to talk confidentially with my therapist and not confide in my friend. I wish I could do it over again. Even though the things I told her about my husband were true, I feel really guilty for turning my friend against him. I also fear that someday the things I wrote about him will come back to haunt us later because even though she said she'd keep everything confidential, I know she has talked and/or shared what I wrote with other people who know us. And as far as I know, she still has everything I wrote.

Peaches,
I feel the exact same way - everything you wrote I could have written, esp this part:

It never occurred to me that if I told her about the bad things my husband did, that it would turn her against him permanently and that it would bother her enough to end our friendship over it.

I think that for us to feel guilt in this situation is valid, but also we have to remember that we were in difficult situations...hurt and scared and not knowing where to turn. Of course we can look back with hindsight and say we should have done X,Y,Z, but we did the best we could with what we knew at the time.

I hope you don't think I was being critical or judgemental in my first response. I only shared my experience so you would know how much I could understand and empathize with you.

[hangingon]

Peaches
I am really sorry that the relationship turned out the way it did. That can be very painful after you trusted someone the way you did.

It's her loss, She should have been a kind enough friend to work through those things with you.

Hang in there

[lifelesstraveled]

((((peaches)))))

I read every single word earlier today---just didnt have time to respond til now.

I am sorry your friend treated you the way she did. You opened yourself up and allowed yourself to be vulnerable with someone and she kinda threw it in your face and left you hanging and made you regret it now. But now because of this you'd probably be less likely to confide in someone else other than your T, esp regarding your husband and marriage. Though I hope that this does not completely discourage you from confiding in someone else outside of T....though I am sure it will take some time to heal from this.

As far as getting your writings back, I really think you should pursue this. She has absolutely no right to keep them. They are not her property. I really hope you can find a way to get them all back.

Take care and keep us posted on how you are doing.

(((((((((((((((((((((peaches)))))))))))))))))))))

I read every word as well. I'm so sorry about what happened with your friend. It sounds like she has some issues of her own that she needs to work on...

I have had the experience of a close, close friendship ending suddenly and badly, and it sort of haunted me for years. I would dream of running into her on the subway, in the grocery, etc. It hurt terribly, and at the same time, I really missed her.

I hate that she has your writing!!! I do hope you can find a way to get it back.

I'm sorry that happened to you, sweet Peaches

[mixedup_emotions]

((((( PEACHES ))))))

I want you to know that I, too, read every single word...and I am so sorry you've endured such pain.

I have a lot of similarities with your experience - confiding in close friends, badmouthing my husband to my close friends, and then them getting upset at the idea that I might try to work things out with my husband.

I think it's quite sad how your situation unfolded - leaving such a scar on your emotional wellbeing.

I also believe that you are giving her wayyy too much power over you. I hope you can work through this in therapy so you can face her head-on someday.

(( HUGS ))

Ria

[deliquesce]

((peaches)).

do go to the religious thingy coming up in 2 weeks. just because she might be there, isn't a reason for you not to go. you know - like, who gave her the authority to continue on with her life as normal, where you have to drop everything to avoid things *you* want to do?

if she is that uncomfortable with you being around, then let her leave. you have a right to socialise with your new congregation as well, yknow?

so i do hope that internalising your T will help in going to your service. i think it would be a good first step of taking some of the power back .

[coconut64]

((((((((((((peaches))))))))))))))) I read the whole thing too!!! I want you to know that I always read your posts, you're one of my favorite posters since you have great depth and a lot to say.

I'm sorry your friend let you down, especially after your trusted her with your friendship and intimate thoughts. I was thinking that since the both of you are so involved in your church and you trust the elders to intervene in your marriage and state of mind, perhaps appealing to them to mediate in this case might be worth a try? Just an idea. When I feel helpless, my T always tries to emphasize that I have options. That I'm on the driver's seat. So in this situation, asking someone for help might help, even if it's just to get her to hand over your writings. I wouldn't want someone who can just cut me off like that to have my most inner thoughts, especially in writing.

[deliquesce]

^ that is an excellent idea, coconut!

[peaches100]

Spotted Owl,

You're right. I DO beat myself up alot about things. I just wish I could have understood some of this in hindsight, y'know? Although even if I understood about the transference part of the relationship and her past history, I doubt I could have changed her response to me. I don't think she would have let me explain any of that to her, as she would not even let us meet together to discuss what had gone wrong.

Can you take a step back and see what lesson there is to learn from this situation?

I'll have to think on this. I'm sure there is much to learn from what happened. At the moment, what comes to mind is "Don't Look for a Mother Figure" in your friends.

I loved your suggestion about asking her to pray with me. There will be about 300 people in one big room though, and no opportunity to pray just between the two of us. However, the Bible service will contain portions where everyone bows their head to pray. Maybe just thinking about and knowing that we're both there for the same reason, to serve God, and are praying at the same time will help me to let go of some of the pain and help me feel like there is still some unity between us.

[peaches100]

KTgirl,

No, your reply didn't hurt my feelings or bother me in any way. I appreciate your honesty! I'm sorry you had a similar situation happen. In hindsight, I'm sure we would have both handled it differently.

[peaches100]

Lifelesstraveled,

Yes, since that happened, I have been paranoid, literally PARANOID about getting close to anyone or revealing anything about my feelings to people in my 3D life. I've really isolated myself, which isn't good, but it's the only way I feel safe now. It's been like pulling teeth even to interact superficially with others. So, yes, it's going to be really hard to open up to anyone now. It has been extremely hard to show my feelings even with t, who I've been seeing now for several years.

Thanks for being supportive!

[peaches100]

Lifelesstraveled,

Oh, about the writings. Much of it is in the form of letters I mailed to her. I'm thinking that, even though she agreed to return them all, from a legal standpoint, they are probably her property now. I would think so anyway. I probably couldn't get them back by pursuing a legal course. I could involve the elders of my former congregation, where she attends. But it has been 6 years since it happened. Does that seem too long ago? Probably they would have expected me to have put it behind me by now and moved on.

[emilyjeanne]

Hi Peaches,

I read the whole post. I want you to know that I am being supportive. However, it seems to me that you were "doing therapy" with your friend. Your reactions to her are what would happen in a therapy relationship.

I think that you need to discuss this relationship with your T. To figure out why you became so attached. Also, to figure out why you were not discussing things with your T.

Hope I didn't offend.

[peaches100]

Treehouse,

Thanks for the support. I'm sorry that you experienced something similar. It's amazing how things can go from being so good to turning suddenly so bad.

[peaches100]

Mixedupemotions,

I know I'm giving her power over me, and I don't want to. But I don't know how to change it so that she doesn't have this power. I've decided to go to the congregation event next Thursday night, but I'm still really nervous about running into her, or even seeing her. If I can stay in my adult mind, I will be fine. But my fear is that seeing her will trigger me and bring back the pain of how things ended.

[peaches100]

Deliquesce,

I thought about your words, and it's one of the reasons I've decided to go to the event. I've been going out of my way to avoid her, and in the meantime, have isolated myself from everyone. You're right, I do have just as much right to be there as she does. I just hope I can keep a stiff upper lip and not break down and make a fool of myself.

[peaches100]

Coconut,

Thanks for the compliment. I'm glad you like to read my posts.

I wish I would have taken the matter to the elders when it first happened. I really, really wish I had. Now, it has been 6 years, and it feels like too much time has gone by. I don't know if she even still has my writing or if she finally threw it out.

I was just so terribly hurt over her ending the friendship that I didn't think much about my rights. I just felt devastated at the way things ended. I wish now I had had more self-respect and pursued getting it back.

One of the reasons I didn't push the matter was because I feared that if she did return the writings in person or by mail, and my husband got it first, then perhaps he would read some of it and be very hurt at what I'd written. I feel absolutely terrible if that were to happen.