[del12]

I had my appoinment and I feel really bad about how it went. I feel like my T is frustrated with me. I had a difficult time feeling like I could trust. I guess it was because we skipped a week and going in I was nervous and felt disconnected. I so wanted to walk in feeling safe instead I closed up and felt angry that my T brought up things that I know I should talk about but I just can't get them out. I am sick and tired of talkng about all the people in my life that I can't trust who have betrayed me in some way. I feel like all I do is complain when I go to t. My T said the abuse word and I just wanted to get the h... out of there. I hate to admit that some of my family and others in my life verbally/emotionally abused me as a child and as an adult. My t also talked about feeling abandoned and alone growing up. Can they read our minds!
There is such a sense of peace and happiness that surrounds my T and I so want that, but I don't know how to find it. I guess that is why I am in t. Do you ever resent the fact that your own T seems to have it all together?
I feel like I owe my T an apology for not being a good client, sometimes I wonder if I am starting to put that wall up to protect myself from beiing hurt by my T. I am hoping next week I will be a better

[lifelesstraveled]

(((((del12)))))

you havent failed at anything. it's hard going back after a break. I wish your T had kept things a little lighter after your break. I think it would've been good so you can feel safe in Ts presence again.

As far as do I resent the fact that my T seems to have it all together? ummmmm I don't know what is going on in Ts life outside of the 50 min we spend each week. She could have a lot going on, and is really good at dealing with the stress in her life. She knows how to take care of herself, which is good. if she didn't she wouldn't be able to help me. It'd be like the blind leading the blind if my T didnt have it together.

Hang in there Del12,

I had my appoinment and I feel really bad about how it went. I feel like my T is frustrated with me. I had a difficult time feeling like I could trust. I guess it was because we skipped a week and going in I was nervous and felt disconnected. I so wanted to walk in feeling safe instead I closed up and felt angry that my T brought up things that I know I should talk about but I just can't get them out.

(((((Del))))))) -- I've seen my T for almost 4 years now -- he just came back from vacation. I also didn't feel connected with him when he came back. It's so very frustrating and painful! Be patient with your self, Del. You are feeling all of this AND still going to T to work it through. Take your time -- do this at your own pace. It DOES get better and is worth every moment of pain just to feel at peace, however fleeting.

I am sick and tired of talkng about all the people in my life that I can't trust who have betrayed me in some way. I feel like all I do is complain when I go to t. My T said the abuse word and I just wanted to get the h... out of there. I hate to admit that some of my family and others in my life verbally/emotionally abused me as a child and as an adult. My t also talked about feeling abandoned and alone growing up. Can they read our minds!

I hear you and understand. I wish I could take all of your pain away! T's can't read minds, although they are pretty accurate at guessing sometimes.

There is such a sense of peace and happiness that surrounds my T and I so want that, but I don't know how to find it. I guess that is why I am in t. Do you ever resent the fact that your own T seems to have it all together?

I had a session today that hit on this topic. Your T may "have it all together," but it may be that he had to work through his own issues to get there. Or, he may just be one of the fortunate ones to escape trauma. It's so difficult to want to be "normal" but to have to go through all of these emotions and @#@ to get there.

I feel like I owe my T an apology for not being a good client, sometimes I wonder if I am starting to put that wall up to protect myself from beiing hurt by my T. I am hoping next week I will be a better

It's not your job to be a "good client", Del. Therapy is where you can and should be who you are, warts and all! That is the only way that you can work through all of this. I also did the push/pull thing with T a lot but didn't realize it. I knew I was pulling but didn't know I was pushing because I didn't trust him. It sounds like you are doing exactly what you need to do, going to therapy. You should be proud of yourself=) I am impressed with your tenacity!! Let us know how you are doing, we all care

[sw628]

(guess that is why I am in t. Do you ever resent the fact that your own T seems to have it all together?)

I'm right there with you del12. Sometimes I strongly resent he fact the my T has it "all together" it makes me sick sometimes. However, I remind myself that no one is perfect and even though my T has gotten to a peaceful place in her life, she still has to deal with life. And and lets face it, life will NEVER be easy.... not for anyone. I am also fortunate enough to have a T that is willing to share certain aspects of her life with me, so I remember that she is human too.
Also, it's normal to feel disconnected when there is a break between sessions. Now worries, it won't take long to get back into the groove of things. It just takes a little time.

[phoenix7]

feeling disconnected is so hard - hope your next session is better for you I dont think you owe your T an apology - thats just how it goes sometimes - My T sometimes mentions her life and I think to myself that it would be nice to feel happy.....

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by del12

... My t also talked about feeling abandoned and alone growing up. Can they read our minds!.
sometimes I think so and then my T proves otherwise.

There is such a sense of peace and happiness that surrounds my T and I so want that, but I don't know how to find it. I guess that is why I am in t. Do you ever resent the fact that your own T seems to have it all together?
Mine is this way too, I don't feel resentful as much as i do, what is the word, envious? not that... I wouldn't take it away from her but it is something I want so much. This is what keeps me coming back - in spite of my huge distrust, in spite of the times she CAN'T read my mind, I want that health and serenity that she radiates.

I am hoping next week I will be a better (client)
((((( dear del ))))) don't exhaust yourself worrying about this - I already have done and it isn't helpful at all. What you are, you are; you come in there as you are; T needs to know you as you are in order to figure out what is the next step. I have heard people here at PC say, "trust the process" and as much as that goes against my innate distrust, there doesn't seem to be a better way.

ugh, this pink font turned out to be icky, sorry!

[peaches100]

I don't think you need apologize to your t, although I understand how you feel like you should. I often feel the same way and actually do end up apologizing because otherwise i feel bad about myself! But, really, I think we're harder on ourselves than we need to be. Our t's are used to dealing with clients who express all sorts of strong emotions and resistances. They also understand how very hard it is to trust them enough to reveal painful things.

Yes, there are times I've felt a bit resentful that my t seems to have it all together. In fact, once I told her in a message that I didn't think she could understood me because she seems to live a charmed life with friends and family and world travel and all sorts of clients who adored her. I don't recall now how she replied, but she didn't disagree!

Really, though, I'm sure she has her problems. I've always wondered why she has pictures of her kids in her office but none of her husband? (I'd never ask though.) She rarely ever talks about her family, but she did tell me once that she and her husband had an argument about whether or not they were going to use a vacuum sealer with their food. Hubby was all for it, and she didn't want to. Funny, eh?

[del12]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

ugh, this pink font turned out to be icky, sorry!

Yes it is more of a feeling of envy not resentment and I think that I get so mad with myself that I envy someone who is there to help me. I should be more appreciative of what they bring to my life. Hope!

[Xtree]

I have never felt resentful towards my T but on several occasions I have felt disconnected, like I was starting all over. That is very difficult to get past but you can. I understand how you feel, I struggle with it often. I dont think you owe your T an apology, but if it will make you feel better you should apologize. I am sure your T will understand.

Xtree

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by del12

There is such a sense of peace and happiness that surrounds my T and I so want that, but I don't know how to find it.

This sounds like a really great goal to work on in therapy. Can you share that with your T and then you could work on ways to make that happen in your own life? I think it helps so much to have a positive vision of your future. With the vision, it is easier to see how to get from point A to B. When you only have point A, you don't know what direction to work on going in....