stumped on what to title this

Any of ya'll ever have your T say to you that she wants to take the therapy sessions and turn them around and go in a different direction. Mine did. She asked if i would be okay with doing that. I told her im not sure about it, but i would try it. The thought of it actually has me kinda scared. I don't know why, it just does.

She said we'll be having our sessions in a differnt room. the room they call the safe room there. She's been trying to get me to let the anger out, but i can't do that in front of her. The anger i have is dangerous to anyone around me. She mentioned something about doing some hands on therapy. Some kind of sand thing, whatever that is.

I dont know what i'm in store for here. Just hoping someone can shed some light on this for me.

thank you
chal

Hi Chal! This sounds like a good explanation to me. Are you nervous about releasing the anger?

(((((((((((Chal))))))))))))
No, i've never experienced that nor been at a place with a "safe room" or a sand table. but I've heard of others working with a sand table. Good luck with it.... anger is hard for me, too - not safe for others. I restrain it. let us know how it goes??
Thinking of you.
kiya

The way I see it, my anger is dangerous to me, because if I let it out then other people will not be able to handle it and I will suffer the consequences.

(((Chalm))) it sounds like your T has an idea that will benefit you in the therapy process! I used to have a play therapy room for young children with toys and things... your T's room sounds like a more mature room, but allows for the same kind of free expression. It can be a good thing.

But you know what? No problem with trying it. Not all therapies work for everyone. If it doesn't seem to help, after a few tries, then it's okay to say so.

I think it's GREAT that you are willing to try it! That's a huge leap right there!

Yes, i'm very nervous about letting my anger out in there. I dont want to hurt anyone there. I could care less about myself. Not a day goes by i don't deal with anger. But it can get out of hand and it ends up so bad that i dont even remember what went on. Pieces of it, but for the most part people tell me what happened.

A few months back something happened on my way to therapy. I dont remember what happened. When i got out of my truck i had another nice dent in it. I had to have rammed my truck into some fence or brick wall, soemthing. But i went in there with the anger. Rushing myself to calm down. My T caught it right off and handed me this box with nerf balls in it and told me to throw them at the wall. I told her i couldnt do that cause i wouldnt throw them at the wall. I would throw them at something on the shelf because i want to break something. So i handed the box back to her and just kind of stewed in the anger till that session was over. I wasnt letting it out, not there.

thank ya'll
chal

((( chalmette )))

My T has a sand tray to use in therapy for adults and kids. Figures are placed in there to make a scene/story. I haven't done it yet but I would like to someday.

I'm sorry Chal. That sounds hard! How long have you had this anger stuff going on?

hell, Echoes. Now the sand thing kinda makes sense. There are two things i refuse to talk about cause it hurts to damn bad as it is. My t asked me awhile back to write down about it. I started to but got to a certain time of something and couldnt even write no more. She wants to know about that. The other thing is something that happened a few times and now i have dreams awake and asleep of walking down royal st. and not backing down to a gun in my face. Makes me nervous talking to her about that because thats a daily wish that it would happen again. I know the way that looks, thats why i dont want to talk to her about it.

I hope this sand thing is different.

Sannah, anger has been with me since a kid cuase of different reasons. But the day i evacuated started a whole new realm of it. Since then its literally gotten me into positions where the police have been involved. Somehow i've never been arrested.

I'm not sure of the year if it was 2006 or 2007. Just can't remembr right now. I was in the house maybe one month when Murphy Oil came to tear up the slab from the house behind me. The crane driver was hammering the shovel of the crane instead of lifting the edge up and breaking it. This was not the first time of it happeneing. It was so bad tht it caused stress cracks in the sheetrock we just got finish rebuilding the house with. I remember grabbing my bat and climbng the ladder agasint the back fence yelling at the driver to stop. He saw me, gave me the finger. That set it off to full blown. I remember jumping the fence and trying to break the bottom of the crane door with my bat to get to that guy. I dont remember the police pulling me from the crane, being qustioned, going back into my house, finding and getting the president of Murphy Oil in Atlanta on the phone and telling him whats been going on. I dont remember calling a friend who was on the phone with me when suits from Murphy down here came to the house to take pictures of the stress cracks and the rest that followed. The foreman for Murphy, a resident here came and talked to me and told me what happened. Then my friend also told me what happened when we were on the phone. I dont know whats true except for what i remember. But extremes like that, that i forget is what i never remember and people tell me about it.

I become a monster and literally loose my mind

You are not a monster when rage erupts uncontrollably, sweetie. I understand not being able to remember actions and words when that happens.

I hope the safe room is helpful so you can feel better. And I hope the sand tray is fun and helpful too. You've been through so much.

I Like the sound of a safe room - maybe you will be able to throw things in there - or shout and scream and let it all out - I hope it works out for you

Thank ya'll

4 hours and counting till i see my T today. And i'm a nervous wreck. I went and got that valium refilled my old pdoc gave me end of last year, that i threw away. Made my anxiety so much worse. I tried one yesterday along with the klonopn i take morning and night and it relaxed me this time. I'd like to take one of those before going, but dont think i'll be able to drive. Plus we have threatening weather coming and the highway and back streets will be flooding. And having only front brakes i'm gonna be scared about that. Hope the weather holds out till i get back home.

Phoenix, no way would i do that in even the 'safe room'. I won't allow myself to show that anger there at therapy. I guess thats the place to do it. But not ready too.

chal

I hope you can allow yourself to go with an open mind, curiosity, and trust.
"Trust the process." my T tells me. Sometimes it's relieving to think that thought.

I don't think you are going to be asked to 'perform' or act out your anger. I imagine this is a kind of introduction to this room so you can become familiar with it.

This new experience can be like a good book where you look forward to see what will happen next!

Hi Echoes. Well i went in nervous, with a hazy feel in my head and trying to have an open mind. I was scared.

The room was strange. There was absolutely nothing in there breakable. An almost large empty room. It had one whole wall with foam mattress on it and a crab hamper full of thin rubber small balls. A punching bag hanging from the ceiling with another crab hamper full of punching gloves. I think someone that works there has a husband that does crabbing.

There was a small table in one corner full of sand and it had a small closed box underneath. Don't know what was in it. Then another small table with two chairs. And nothing else.

When we went in there she asked if i was okay so far seeing the room and felt okay with staying in there. I didnt feel okay, but of course told her yes. We talked some and i started to calm down a little. She said she wanted to try something but had to step out to get the supplies.

She came back in with art stuff. She pulled out two sheets of construction paper gave me one and she kept one. Then she pulled out of a bag markers and a crapload of stickers. She started talking about those 'masks' I say i have with friends, family, etc. She said lets draw what that mask looks like to them. Took me awhile but i did it. Then we talked about it.

She then started asking me about my issues with watching tv. (I wasnt able to watch it, even look at tv when someone else had it on for a good 2 years after the storm.) I told her now I'm able to watch a little tv but it has to be comedy and majority of the time its on mute. then she asked about the radio. Nope, I told her. Thats still a no go. So now thats something else were gonna work on.

She gave me homework and its pretty hard. But I have a friend that has been on my asss about it for months. so later today when she asks how today went and i tell her. I think this homework will make her year.

Next week we'll be back in the 'safe room' and between now and then I just have to keep calm. I know whats in there. And i just have to tell myself everything will be fine. Yeah right, but i'm gonna try to.

chal

Wow Chal - that was scary not knowig what was in the room - you were very brave - give yourself a pat on the back - you deserve it!
Im glad you got a bit calmer with your T - I hope it helped drawing the faces - take care

Thank ya Phoenix. Yes drawing those masks. My t's talked to me alot about that. I've worn them pretty much all my life. Started with grandparents that wanted nothing to do with me, but all i wanted was to spend time with them and for them to love me. Having grandparents tell you your not worth crap compared to your cousins really screwed my head up. And thats when i put that first mask on.

I had an aunt like that - she would let her son play with all his new toys and we would have to sit on the bed in his room and watch - we werent allowed to play with the toys cos we werent good enough - glad you are getting somewhere with your therapy

That would have gotten under my skin some bad. I probably would have grabbed one of those toys and broke it on purpose just to prove a point.

Yeah i got a whole load of years to unload about. that darn storm, brought all the past out.

Hi Chal,

Good to see you....I haven't been the forums much lately.....overloaded with other things going on in my life.

I can understand that level of anger (maybe not quite to the extent you feel, but when they say being so angry all you see is red......I have been there & it was only with my husband. Good thing I didn't have anything to hurt him with or I am sure I would have used it against him.......sometimes I have a hard time telling the difference between fruatration & anger......it all looks the same in my life & my frustration can get to that high level as inense anger & the results are the same.

I know how important it is to let go of the anger inside or it eats us alive from inside. I do hope you can find the way through your therapist to let go of the anger even it you don't let it out.

have been thinking about you,
Debbie

Chal! I am glad that you are letting this out! Good Work! Good Work at T too!

o m g............

(((((((((((((((Chal))))))))))))))
better now than later. good work you're doin.