I feel totally crazy. I love T, I really do. He is so steady and consistent and stable and caring. He literally gives me everything I need. I know he loves me.

And all of that makes me want to quit therapy. I don't think I can STAND another appointment. I just can't stand going and being accepted and loved and cared for. It doesn't make sense to me. It's not what I'm used to. He knows all of the ugliest parts of me, all of the most shameful things that have happened to me, and he sits there and loves me. I hate it.

I know this doesn't make ANY SENSE. It doesn't make any sense to me either. I just don't think I can stand to go back and do it anymore. The stuff we are talking about is too hard anyway.

Ugh.

[Miracle1986]

(((treehouse)))
Have you T that you want to quit therapy?

[rainbow8]

Maybe you're afraid he will start treating you differently so you have to get out now before he disappoints you? I think if you're not used to unconditional love it's hard to accept. But your T loves YOU. YOU are not shameful. Maybe you did some things or told him about experiences that were shameful to you, but that's not who you are. T's job is to show us their genuine love and caring because we deserve it.

You said the stuff you're talking about is too hard. Have you told him you feel this way?

Hang in there!! I think it might help to discuss your feelings about this with him.

[MissCharlotte]

When all the ugly is out, it's very very very very hard to begin to make something nice and pretty out of our lives moving forward. We have become so accustomed to yuck and ugly that we don't know what beautiful is, and how to accept being loved. T keeps asking me if I'm sure it's not "too much good." I know what he means and it sounds like that's what you are saying. Our brains have become wired to endure pain, not accept love.

Just take baby steps now. I think it takes a long time for the brain rewiring to take effect. But if we keep moving forward a teeny bit at a time, we can heal those wounded parts of ourselves. It is going to take a lot of patience, though! It sounds like you need something else to help. Can you take a yoga class or something? Then your body can help internalize the good feelings.

I think it totally makes sense. A lot of people who have been abused and mistreated have a hard time with being loved and accepted. Hang in there and don't quit.

[Simcha]

Originally Posted by treehouse

I feel totally crazy. I love T, I really do. He is so steady and consistent and stable and caring. He literally gives me everything I need. I know he loves me.

And all of that makes me want to quit therapy. I don't think I can STAND another appointment. I just can't stand going and being accepted and loved and cared for. It doesn't make sense to me. It's not what I'm used to. He knows all of the ugliest parts of me, all of the most shameful things that have happened to me, and he sits there and loves me. I hate it.

I know this doesn't make ANY SENSE. It doesn't make any sense to me either. I just don't think I can stand to go back and do it anymore. The stuff we are talking about is too hard anyway.

Ugh.

((((((((TREE)))))))))

[ECHOES]

((( treehouse )))

((((((Tree))))))))

I'm with what MissC said, it just takes baby steps. Progress doesn't come easily, does it. Keep on going! Love ya'.

[chaotic13]

Tree,
I seem to be cycling through a bit of a down phase this evening. I seem to go through a cycle of: I really want to talk to T RIGHT THIS MINUTE!-->I'm fine--> I hate my life-->*&^*# PAST!, why me?--> I can fix this myself, I don't need help--> It's all good, I'm stronger for it--> Why the heck am I in therapy again?-->, I should have asked for help with this during the session-->..... I REALLY want to talk to my T NOW......

I'm sure mine mood tonight is related to my upcoming appointment.

What you seem to be describing is the frustrated..."It too hard, I'm never going to heal, I want to give up" loop.

What you said about "too much good" kind of makes sense, Miss C....

Everyone's words gave me a lot to think about.

T left me a LONG LONG message - I will have to listen to it again - but I think he was saying we need to work again on containment. It's like ALL of these years I've had all of these different events tucked away in different parts of my brain...I never had to look at all of them together at once, ever. And now all of these gaps are getting filled in and it is really too much for me to handle. So there's that.

And honestly, it's embarrassing to deal with all of the dissociative stuff. I've never told anyone before T how unbelievably loud it is in my head. And I lose so much of my sessions. I hate that grown up me disappears and stupid 4 year old me is probably sitting there telling T god-knows-what. Ugh.

And T's love IS too much. It's just too much. There is a part of me that hates his love. I know that little me just soaks it up, and really me, grown up Treehouse me, thinks it feels nice usually...but part of me just wants nothing more than to start running and never ever EVER stop.

I left a message for T canceling my Thursday appointment and he left me that long message back and ended with "so, I'll see you Thursday". ?!?!? So, what am I supposed to do? I called back and said "I really don't know if I'm COMING on Thursday". Ugh.

I just hate therapy sometimes. I really, truly, truly do.

[mixedup_emotions]

(((((((((((((((( TREEHOUSE ))))))))))))))))))

Try to hang in there....and I encourage you to go to T to work through this exact issue.....

[sunrise]

(((((TreeHouse)))))

I think I understand. I have a hard time talking directly about my relationship with T because he will say such wonderful things to me. Their positivity overwhelms me and I feel I will explode. And it is so hard to just sit there and take it! I feel like I must be squirming and look like I'm ready to bolt. But yet I love it too. It's the craziest feeling. It's like he is giving me his warmth, but to me, all that goodness can feel scorching. I literally sit there and will myself to keep from exploding. T is pretty good now at coming in obliquely with the "wonderful" stuff. I can only handle so much. I take a lot of positive from the joy and warmth of our interactions without having to directly comment on how great our relationship is and how we feel about each other, etc. I mean, c'mon, this isn't a torture chamber!

I don't understand why this is so hard. Maybe we are partly conditioned to be modest and not accept good things people say about us. I don't know.

Hang in there, girl. I hope you go Thursday.

[sittingatwatersedge]

<<< this is great Soliaree!!!

dear T house please don't make any decisions when upset... I wish you great peace and when you are peaceful then you can decide what you want to change if anything. hugs to you my friend

[deliquesce]

yes - what an excellent emoticon, soliaree!!

treehouse - i remember when pdoc started being loving towards me, and i completely panicked. to be honest, i was worried that he was crossing ethical boundaries. but in hindsight, i can just say that i don't know what love is without having boundaries broken, so i was probably just conflating the two. he's remained the same person i could always depend on.

i know it is difficult, but try to stick it out. you can tell T that his positive regard is too much for you to cope with, that you need things to go slower. i don't really deal with my ptsd-stuff directly with pdoc, but sometimes we do talk about it (i'll share some memories that are attacking me again). those are the times that it's really difficult to sit with his constant acceptance of me.

Originally Posted by deliquesce

it's really difficult to sit with his constant acceptance of me.

Yes, THIS! I WANT him to say "you disgust me" or "i wish you would just leave me alone" or "I can't stand another minute of this" - but it's all love, love, love, accept, accept, accept.

I don't know why I hate it, but I do.

And on the other hand, I know I would totally freak and be upset if he DID say "you disgust me" or whatever....but at least it would make SENSE. I can't put this therapy relationship in any kind of context that makes sense to me, and it hurts.

[MINIME]

Awww i get it. It will settle with time and when i feel that way it is also because i am mad that no one gave it to me sooner as a child and how could there be this love now when before none and it confuses me. It angers me. I say its to late for me to my t's and they say no it is not.

[phoenix7]

(((Treehouse))) part of us doesnt want to be loved or treated nicely - its not what we are used to and therefore it scares us - so we try to push it away before they push us away - which we know they will one day when they wake up to who we really are - but T has shown time and again that he will be there for you - for all of you and thats even scarier - how do you deal with that when you havnt had it before?

I really really, really really hope you go to your Thursday session - really I do talk with T about it - he can help - and a for T too

[Sannah]

Cognitive Dissonance?

[searchingmysoul]

(((((treehouse)))))

Originally Posted by treehouse

Yes, THIS! I WANT him to say "you disgust me" or "i wish you would just leave me alone" or "I can't stand another minute of this" - but it's all love, love, love, accept, accept, accept.

I don't know why I hate it, but I do.

And on the other hand, I know I would totally freak and be upset if he DID say "you disgust me" or whatever....but at least it would make SENSE. I can't put this therapy relationship in any kind of context that makes sense to me, and it hurts.

^This completely makes sense to me and I can completely relate to what you write.

Take care of yourself today.

(((((((((((sweet tree)))))))))))

Originally Posted by treehouse

Yes, THIS! I WANT him to say "you disgust me" or "i wish you would just leave me alone" or "I can't stand another minute of this" - but it's all love, love, love, accept, accept, accept.

I don't know why I hate it, but I do.

it sounds as if you are dealing with shame about what happened TO you. maybe this is something you and t could talk about to make it easier to share these horrible things that were done to you. i think this is one of the worst parts of any kind of abuse--the feeling that we are dirty, wrong, bad, etc. when it was what was done to us that was wrong, bad, etc. you have nothing to be ashamed of sweet tree.