[peaches100]

(Heavy Sigh)

I apologize for having to keep coming back to this issue. . .but I still need to talk about touch. For those of you who don't know, I've been in therapy with my t for several years. During that time, I've always felt the need, when I'm in great emotional pain, for my t to give me a reassuring hug. I told her and told her this many times, usually in emails, but we've also talked about it in person probably 3 or 4 times. Anyway, I feel that I've "talked it to death" with her. Because she never initiated a hug or asked if I wanted one (even after I'd told her many times that I need one and why), I concluded that she didn't want to do it, which hurt my feelings greatly.

I've asked her before why she didn't seem to want to hug me. One time she said she hesitated to hug me because she feared I'd self-harm (not sure why she felt this way). Another time, she shared a quote with me about how physical touch in therapy can cause the trauma issues to come out and intensify (or something like that). Still, as time went on, I continued to feel like I needed physical comfort during times when trauma processing would become too painful for me. Without it, I felt like there was no rescue from the pain or way to tolerate it. In fact, after an intensely painful session, I would end up feeling traumatized. . .just like I did as a child at home when i would be suffering and my mom would not acknowledge or do anything to help stop it. It was a terrible feeling, and I finally told her I don't want to do any more trauma processing at all unless she can provide enough comfort to make the pain endurable. Otherwise, I don't want to get deeply into anything. It is just way too hard, period.

When I've said this to her, she has acknowledged my need for physical comfort and said that she would provide a hug if needed. But still, when I'd get into that painful place, she still did not offer! For some reason, I have never been able to ask for a hug, and I told her I couldn't ask. So I hoped she'd offer, but she didn't. Eventually, she did pat my back once and hold my hand, and it helped alot. I handled it fine and really felt like things were starting to work with us. With the comfort, I felt able to tolerate more of the pain. However, since then, she has stopped offering a hug again. I just can't understand why she holds back.

Last week, I talked to her again about it. I told her that I feel like, because I'm a victim of SA, that there must be something awful or bad about me, that she is afraid to even touch me. She says that is not true, that she does not feel that way.

I do admit that I have a painful conflict inside about hugs. Part of me desperately wants and needs this comfort, but another part of me is afraid. Still, I do not think the fear is about my t, it is just the fight-or-flight body reaction that happens because of how touch has been misused in the past with my abuse. I want so much to learn that safe touch is OK, and I think that if my t would just work with me on this, then the pounding heart and scary feelings would fade away as I learned that I could get comfort and nothing bad would happen. But i feel like I'm pulling teeth trying to get my t to work with me on this.

Recently, I got overwhelmed with pain again during a session, and as usual, t didn't offer a hug. When I asked her why, she said that it hadn't even come to her mind to offer one. She said I seemed to be handling the pain OK. She also said that, while she has made it clear that she is willing to hug me or hold my hand if needed, the few times she has offered me a hug, I seemed not to want one. Strangely, I don't remember her ever offering me one. I can't imagine that I'd ever forget something like that, so I don't know which one of us is wrong.

T ended the session last week by encouraging me to take a risk and ask for a hug next time I need one. But I don't think I can. I feel like by now, I've made too big of an issue about it, and that if t had really wanted to comfort me, she would have done it. For her to hug me now feels like I am "making" her do it against her will, but like she doesn't really want to do it. I wouldn't find any comfort in that at all. I feel frustrated and like I should just drop the subject of physical comfort entirely. But it really feels inside like I need it to heal.

I don't know what to do. . .

[ECHOES]

This is an issue so close to my own heart.
T told me that if she thought it would be helpful she would, but she didn't think that. That was 2 years ago. I still talk about the craving physcial comfort but I can't ask because I can't risk the denial. I too am tired of talking about it because all I get is the canned empathy "That must be so difficult/frustrating/hard/blah blah blah."

I don't think you made too big an issue out of it. It is an important issue with you. I can understand the difference between wanting the hug and wanting T to initiate it, how it would feel different.

But what sounds hopeful is that your T does seem willing. Even if she is wrong about having offered, it sounds like she would consider it when it would be comforting. Maybe it's just a matter of timing.

I do hope you'll keep talking about it because it's so important to you. But I also understand the frustration!

[cmac13]

I have been in therapy for many many years. I have a great relationship with my therapist. I too need some sort of physical comforting in sessions which are especially intense. My therapist will hug me if I ask her too. She will hold onto me for as long as I need. Her hugs are strong and very comforting. Sometimes she talks to me when she is hugging me reassuring me that I am safe with her. The hugs are given at the end of a session. There have been a few times she has asked me if I want a hug but usually I ask.

[SpottedOwl]

(((Peaches)))

I've responded before...so just a few follow-up thoughts for you.

I *think* that T's are trained to be extra careful with touch for people who have SA in their past. This does not mean they won't hold your hand or give you a hug, but you are going to have to ask for it or talk about it a lot first. This does NOT mean you are unlovable.

It can be really hard to logically ask for a hug when you are in the middle of emotional flooding. Perhaps you can talk to T and come up with a way you can ask for her hand without using words. Like, reach your hand out..and she would then know it is ok to take it.

T ended the session last week by encouraging me to take a risk and ask for a hug next time I need one. But I don't think I can. I feel like by now, I've made too big of an issue about it, and that if t had really wanted to comfort me, she would have done it. For her to hug me now feels like I am "making" her do it against her will, but like she doesn't really want to do it. I wouldn't find any comfort in that at all. I feel frustrated and like I should just drop the subject of physical comfort entirely. But it really feels inside like I need it to heal.

Ask for it! Your T is there with you every week because she cares, and you will not be 'making' her do anything she does not want to do. She is responsible for her own choices...don't take that on yourself.

Take a risk, ask for a hand, if a hug is too much.

I understand that you might want T to just 'know' you are wanting a hug, but part of the healing process is learning to ask for what we need. I know it is frustrating, and scary, but ask however you can. YOU are good enough, YOU are worthwhile, YOU deserve to be comforted. Give that gift to yourself by asking T for what you need.

Originally Posted by peaches100

I concluded that she didn't want to do it, which hurt my feelings greatly.

..

I've asked her before why she didn't seem to want to hug me.

..

I just can't understand why she holds back.

..

She says that is not true, that she does not feel that way.

..

I feel like by now, I've made too big of an issue about it, and that if t had really wanted to comfort me, she would have done it.

ARG - it just ate my long reply.

Anyway, I just wanted to say, Peaches, that I really relate to a lot of what you've said. I have felt similiar things almost word for word in therapy before. For me, it was more about verbal reassurance than touch, but it was probably the most difficult time I've had in therapy. I know it's frustrating and that it hurts a lot.

What stands out for me in what you wrote (the quotes) is your wish for your T to feel something towards you, and it sounds to me like touch is symbolic fo that for you. And when she doesn't provide that reassurance, you start to imagine that it means she doesn't want to/is feeling something negative. That part I definitely relate to. (I could be totally off here, so feel free to disregard if that is the case...that's just how the quotes read to me.)

I don't know what the answers are. Maybe your T is genuinely not comfortable with using touch, and that is the cause of her hesitation? And yet, she she has offered it to some degree to meet your stated needs...that sounds pretty caring. Maybe touch is one of those things that will never be completely satisfied in therapy and it's something you could work on outside of therapy too??

All I know is that I've been there. I've felt extremely upset about it and rejected and like I wanted to quit therapy over it. And yet, somehow we got through it. I'm in a really good place in therapy right now. Right now, I just don't feel like I need so much from her, it doesn't feel so urgent. I think of all the nice things she's done along the way to show me that she cares, and I just don't feel so focused on what she hasn't done/can't give me. It's a real switch for me, let me tell you, and I hope it lasts, but it's a lot more pleasant. It sounds like your T is caring too and I hope you can continue to work through this with her and find some peace in your therapy, too.

[chaotic13]

I can see how asking for a hug when you want/need one would be awkward. It seems like what you are asking for is not just a hug but a genuine show of caring. I am not a person who realize when getting physical support would be beneficial. Some of the most profoundly healing hugs I've received...I didn't even realize I needed them, people just...reached out and hugged me. I have however also experienced some major confusion and anxiety when individuals have hug me...and I really didn't want or expect them to enter my personal space. So from this perspective I can also see my T and others often have no touch policies---above all do no harm.

All I can say is that maybe you have to accept that your T is not going to provide this type of physical support. She has told you that it is NOT because you are considered damaged and untouchable. Those thoughts are coming from your abuse parasite--don't listen to them. Just accept what she has told you-- she will provide physical support as needed when you request it.

Maybe you could try expanding how you view "being supported" to things that she does naturally. I my case my T does not say that she "cares" for me, she does not touch me, she also does not attempt to read my mind and figure out what I need (I really wanted her to do this for a long-time). However, at one point I sat down and wrote an "evidence of caring" list to help me challange my assumption that my T was just doing her job and really didn't care about me. I generated this for a few months. It sounds dumb that I couldn't get myself to believe that she really cared, but what can I say. Having the list really helped me between sessions, when the mental noise started distorting our interactions. I would open the list and read it over and over. Maybe you could do the same thing to help yourself recognize all the other things your T does that shows she cares. When I wrote out my list, there was an abundance of evidence that clearly demonstrated that she was not just going through the motions of a job.