[searchingmysoul]

I had my final T interview on Tuesday. It was awful and about the only time I have left an interaction with anyone absolutely furious. She used so much blaming language, labeling, and was extremely pushy. At the end she asked what was keeping me from scheduling another appt with her. I was honest about not wanting to come back because of the language she used in the interview. She then had the audacity to tell me that because I grew up in an alcoholic family I didn't learn to set boundaries with others, however if I chose to work with her I would learn to do that and could start by discussing how I feel about certain language in session. Unfortunately she didn't hear that I WAS setting a boundary with her and regarding what would work for me at that very moment. The entire interview was like that, it was terrible.

Between that final interview and yesterday I thought a lot about the people I had met with. Pros and cons of each, their backgrounds, what I liked/didn't like about all of them. In the end I decided that continuing on individually with the couple's T that my DH and I have seen is the way both my heart and head are pointing. He and I had discussed this and both agreed that we we at a place to stop anyway.

I am also pointed toward her for several other reasons: First, I have a history with her and a good rapport already. However, that history is not too deep or lengthy because my DH and I have only seen her since last August and only 1 to 2x a month if that. This makes the transition easier but I don't feel locked into any sort of place or behavior in the room. She has a lot of experience, over 20 years. Specifically experience with trauma and PTSD, as well as child abuse and addicition/substance abuse. She has also done a lot of her own personal work that she is open about (but not too open) which to me is a highly important. And I already liked her approach to the therapeutic process and loved the work that she did with my DH and I, so I have already had a positive experience with her. Finally, she has already been amazing with me. I feel like she genuinely honors me while having good boundaries in the room. I also feel like she gets me and parts of me that I feel are things I keep hidden because of not fitting with general norms. And she has just been cool these few weeks, she offered me an emergency appt when everything went down with my old T and I also had an individual session with her yesterday (Saturday) to catch her up on the last two weeks and get an idea of what it would be like to work with her individually.

I start regular individual sessions with her beginning this coming Thursday.

However, since this introductory session yesterday I have been struggling. I have been grappling with a thought/feeling of my own brokenness. Something to the effect of feeling so broken because of all that I have experienced and bringing all of that to light and also feeling like this recent trauma has broken me in another way. I feel like I am going to be walking into this new/old relationship a big broken mess. A broken mess of brokenness. Maybe it's a good thing to go into therapy and not be able to erect a facade and to just be a mess, but it is not a place that I am accoustomed to. And it is scary to already feel so vulnerable and needful when this is just beginning.

Another thing that has been on my mind and is causing me some distress is how open I have been about exactly what it is I am looking for in therapy. I know this doesn't sound like a bad thing but it causes me distress because I have this other person (the new T) saying to me "I can do that for you". I am not used to asking for and getting what I need. I am used to taking care of myself and/or getting what I need covertly and/or asking for less than I need and making myself be satisfied with it. So, saying what I want and what I feel like in need in the T relationship and then getting a "yes" to it...Well, I feel like I am asking for something that I want and want to run from at the same time.....

Thanks to you all for being so supportive through this I have appreciated it.

~Searching

Congrats on finding a good T to work with! That can be such an overwhleming task, and how great you have someone you already know a little bit through couples work. I wouldn't let the "blaming T" get to you too much -- it sounds like she didn't get you and wouldn't have been a good match anyway. Good luck!

(((((((((((((((((((((Searching)))))))))))))))))))))

I'm glad that you've settled on a new T...she sounds like she will be wonderful for you for so many reasons.

I was really struck by your last paragraph about asking for and getting what you need. This was by far the most uncomfortable thing for me to learn in therapy. Until T, I honestly never had my needs met - I didn't even know I *had* needs, seriously. I have learned, slowly, with T that I DO have needs, needs are okay, and if I ask to have my needs met, they WILL be met. It used to make me so uncomfortable that I would CRY. But the amazing and wonderful thing is that I'm getting used to it, and I am admitting to the people in my real life that I have needs...like my H..and those needs are being met for the first time in my life. It is OKAY to need things.

My T almost never says no to me (because I am the World's Most Spoiled Client! lol) and in fact, when I ask for things, he often says, "that's EASY". These things that I thought were a HUGE deal are not a huge deal at all. Learning that has been a great gift.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((searching))))))))))))))))))))) I know this is all scary, and painful, but you are doing such a great job. Hang in there, and let your new T help you...

[chaotic13]

Searching, sounds like you weighted all your options and are making a sound choice. My question is, you and your H saw this T for couples therapy, now you are going to her individually. What if you and your DH need to return to couples at some point. Would you just go together again?

I originally wanted a T who could treat the whole family. But then things kind of blew up in my face with that. I shifted to individual therapy with her. At the moment, even though couples therapy might be beneficial...I don't want to go there. I'm just curious how you might handle couples--individual---couples flip flopping.

[phoenix7]

the last T sounds like a royal pain in the butoosy!!! glad you went with your heart and head and chose the other T

Asking for what you need AND getting it!



Sounds like progress to me! Well done

[hangingon]

Searching,
Im sorry you are struggling so much with this right now. I can't imagine what its like to have a T just drop you like that. I imagine there must be alot of anger and fear involved.
I hope things work out really well for you with your new T. Sometimes change is very painful but can turn out to be really good. The fact that your new T is going to work on what you need is really wonderful. I know that it's scary as well. It's hard to trust when someone you are supposed to trust lets you down.

[sunrise]

searchingmysoul, I'm so sorry your last session was so horrible. I am glad you were able to be furious. Your T deserves your anger. Heck, I'm angry at her, just from reading your post.

she asked what was keeping me from scheduling another appt with her...
if I chose to work with her...

Doesn't sound to me like you had much choice in the matter, since she unilaterally terminated you.

however if I chose to work with her I would learn to do that and could start by discussing how I feel about certain language in session

This just sounds terrible to me. Like, "you WILL do what I say, you WILL do it my way." If it were me, I would be ducking, because I got that language growing up and it was usually followed by a fist. Some trauma therapist.

I know the whole thing hurts, but I can't help but think, good riddance. She really sounds damaging. It amazes me she thinks you could continue working with her without some sort of repair. The ultimate boundary is leaving a person, so good for you to stand firm and not put up with more from her.

I'm glad you have another T already. My therapist has also been the couples therapist for me and my H (soon to be ex-H). It worked out fine. I see my T for individual therapy, and at one time, we did couples work with him. We still have a couples session now and again. We had one just 2 weeks ago. My T is a family systems therapist and knows how to work with multiple members of a family. I think a number of therapists have this training, and it sounds like yours can accommodate this too. Best of luck with her.

A broken mess of brokenness.

It is criminal how your therapist contributed to this feeling. I hope your new T will hold your pain and you will feel better fast so you can move onward in your journey.

[mixedup_emotions]

I think it's great that you have a T that you already feel comfortable with to move forward with individual T. My T was originally our marriage counselor...and when I was struggling with my situation, he was the first person I contacted.

Moving from the "we" issues in marriage counseling to the individual issues can be scary. I am starting to delve into that now and it's not easy.

Good luck to you. I'm so glad you have someone! That's HUGE!

[Sannah]

Searching, you did good with that other therapist! Good Work standing up for yourself!

About feeling bad (?) about getting your needs met. I'll bet you can trace this back to your past. Of course all of us here didn't get our needs met as children because someone else was sucking up all the "needs getting met" when we were growing up. You must have formed some beliefs in your child mind at that time about your needs. I would think that it would be worth exploring what those beliefs might be because you still have them in your head. Once you uncover these beliefs and work on them it is very healing and they stop holding you back.

I am glad that you have a good therapist all lined up!

[peaches100]

Searching,

I'm so sorry you had such a terrible last session! It would have been nice if the two of you could have parted ways in peace. She sounds like she may have a control problem. Please don't let her inability to help you make you feel that it is in any way your fault. I know you feel "broken," and it's harder to trust after an experience like you had. But you handled it so maturely and did what was best for YOU (yay!) It sounds like you have a good plan to follow up with a different therapist you feel comfortable with. I'm so glad about this and hope the transition goes smoothly for you.

[searchingmysoul]

Thanks everyone. I just have a few moments but...

notme9- Yes, she was not a good match in person. It's funny because on the phone I really liked her and her credentials were "right". But she was a real piece of work and not right at all.

treehouse- Asking for what I need has been a barrier for me. Interestingly, my old T heavily encouraged me to ask for what I needed. It was not a bad thing to do and I think what has helped me to be so straight forward at this point. However, at this point I feel like I KNOW what it is that I need and have asked for it. Ultimately, I am just freaked out to get it. And I wonder if it will be taken or conditional or something. Only time will tell. I hope that this becomes a place in which what I ask for or need is met with a "that's easy". What a change that would be for me.

Chaotic- At this point what my DH and I have decided is that we will no longer work with the new T as a couple. We both have reservations with doing that. We have an appt to meet with a new couple's T in a few weeks, but we are both feeling ambivalent about couples work right now. We are in a good place in our coupleship and have been waning for awhile in couples work anyway. Me working with the new (couple's) T feels like a natural progression from the other work. I think if we did get to a place again where we really need couple's work (and the new couple's T isn't right) she would be happy to see us or refer us to someone who we would be able to work with.

P7- Thanks. Asking for what I need is a progression for me indeed.

hanginon- Yes there is a lot of anger and fear involved. I have been trying to really process through my grief regarding the abrupt termination, using my supports, feeling what I need to feel or am feeling, etc. After the session on Sat with the new T I felt all stirred up again. Re-angry about this whole situation and how messed up it is and fearful of the whole process and what seems like the inherent uncertainty of it. I don't feel like I am starting over completely though. The work that I was doing and had done is still with me and I am thankful to be able to be able to pick up with someone who already knows me a little.

Sunrise- The T I met with on Tues was a candidate for my future work with a T and she was terrible. I can see how my post was confusing though. (Actually I am confused reading back through about the old T and the new T and the couple's T and all the interviewed T's.) It has been one big knot of T's in the last month, that is for sure. What you wrote was very validating about how "criminal" it was for my old T to do what she did. It was terrible thing without warning and when I think about I get so angry. I just have no words still. Another reason I needed to find a new T. I do think that this will be a good fit and am happy how it has worked out. It is interesting how it will go from a couple thing to an individual one, but I do think it's going the right way.

Mixed up- Thanks for the words of support.

Sannah- Thanks for the support. Yes, these feelings go back, way back. I am sure that this next step and therapy will be all about uncovering and deconstructing/reconstructing what has gone into my thoughts and self concept.

Peaches- thanks for the support. I was thinking about trust this morning while thinking about everything that has happened in the last month. I think trust will be a reoccurring theme in my therapy in so many ways. Trust might actually turn out to be the theme of my therapy for the time to come...

Everyone The support here has really been huge for me. I appreciate it very much.

~Searching