Intense feelings for T (possible trigger)

I've always had intense feelings for my T, kind of like being "in love". We're both women, and I'm married, not bi-sexual, either. My former T told me that my feelings for her were more basic, and sensual, not sexual. I was always embarrassed and rarely discussed how I felt towards her. With my current T, I was more open about my feelings. I once told her that our sessions seemed erotic.

I am thinking/feeling more about my T because my session is coming up. I know I will talk to her about still feeling attached to her, but I am getting very mixed-up and anxious about these physical things happening again. Help!

I hope it's all right to post this.

I think the unique relationship that happens in therapy, including the power dynamic that is inherent in it, leads a lot of people to feel really intense and confusing things toward their therapists. I think it's great that you feel comfortable talking to your T about how you feel (that is really hard to do sometimes!), and it sounds like your T is capable of processing it with you (as all good therapists should be, as it's a very common phenomenon!).

I read this book a while ago, so I can't quite remember the details, but it's called In Session: The Bonds between Women and their Therapists. It might say something useful about this. I remember it having at least one chapter about an intense relationship between a client and her female therapist. http://www.amazon.com/Session-Betwee.../dp/0716740257

Good luck!

It must be such a painful and confusing feeling. It's great that you feel comfortable enough to talk to your T about your feelings. I've heard that it can be useful in therapy, although I know I would not want to feel that way towards my T. I get twinges every now and then....and I avoid it like the avian flu....and I don't think I'd EVER be so brave as to talk to him about it. You are soooooo brave....

Thank you very much, notme9. I did read the book you suggested, In Session, and I agree that it's an excellent one. I know that my feelings are common, but they make it hard for me to separate from my T. I'm not in regular therapy anymore, and I want to feel good about my relationship with her without these powerful feelings getting in the way.

I guess I have to tell myself "it's okay to still feel this way. I'm still a work in progress." Does that make sense? My T used to tell me that I'm a work in progress when I complained that I wasn't totally "cured." I think we are all "works in progress" our whole lives, anyway.

Mixed-up: Thank you for the compliment, though I don't think of myself as brave! Years ago, with my first T, it would take an entire session to bring up anything about my feelings with her. Then I stumbled over the words. It was very hard and painful, but she was very accepting. My H wasn't. He was so jealous, and always taunted me about being "in love with my T" He was very jealous. Neither of us understood transference too well.

With my current T, I didn't want to go through the same thing again, but I realized later that I actually did want to have those intense feelings like I had before. Very confusing to me. I was very much ashamed, but couldn't stop the "addiction" or "obsession" or maybe better to call it transference. I don't know what to call it. Trying to get my unmet needs met is what my T said.

I had to be open about it, because I didn't want to go from T to T with the same problem. With a couple of other Ts, it didn't happen. Also women. I was afraid to see a male T because I'd be totally "in love", I figured. No T ever said it was an "attachment" problem. Just that I had unmet needs from infancy and that I can't redo the past. Sorry to be rambling about this--just have to get it out, and then I won't think so much about it, as I've got lots to do today other than obsess about therapy.

I id with this. Im in the process of getting myself back into therapy, possibly, I have this feeling of: 'dread the longing and hate the love'.

ughh it is indeed excrutiating for me.

when I have had a sense of shared purpose with T. that is when it was at its best. When that gets collapsed, my focus goes too much on him. I have also felt like this about a woman T too, and I'm not gay iether.

... its such a sensitive situation...

I am soooo afraid of this happening to me.....I "think" I can feel it starting...and I am pushing it away....

If it's so common, why does it feel so shameful to me...I do not have a physical attraction to my T....but I do feel the longing to hear his voice...I'm afraid that the rest will follow suit. Yikes.

Anyway, enuf about me.....I don't want to sabotage your thread!

I TOTALLY feel it's BRAVE.....and it makes sense that it's about trying to get your unmet needs met.

I'm sorry that your husband had such trouble with it. I could see why he felt jealous...but it would be good if he understood the reality of the situation and the feelings. I think a part of me made sure that we saw a male marriage counselor because I did not want my husband to find himself attracted to a female marriage counselor.

River: I'm sorry you've gone through this too, but it makes me feel so much better to have my feelings validated.

You said it's better when you have a "shared purpose" with T. Do you mean when you feel more equal? Could you explain what you mean? I don't have those feelings so much when I connect with my T in a more adult way, as 2 women sharing something, working together? Is that what you mean?

Yeah, "dread the longing and hate the love." That's a good description. It's like being in love with someone who you never can have.

mixed up: I think it feels shameful because it's out of context of a riciprocal relationship. It's supposed to be a "business relationship" yet many people become attached in one way or another to their T. Transference happens, or if it's not transference, it's just the intimacy and the good feelings we have for our T that come into play. Even though my T has told me it's all right, I'm still ashamed of my feelings for her.

If you can, talk to your T about it. My T always said talking about something takes away a lot of the power. The longings go along with the territory, but that doesn't make it easier, I know.

...................responded inside your post....

my view on talking, is do so judiciously, I wait until the context is right, in other words, if it serves the rigth purpose.. that one again. then, when things come out and they feel right, its a flow, but often that doesnt happen, tho its great when it does.

I so agree with this. I had a flash of erotic feelings towards T about 7 or 8 months in to therapy, and I made myself tell him about it. We spent a session talking about it, and then *poof* - it vanished and didn't come back!

I was surprised how much talking about it totally diffused it, for me.

I had read that talking about the feelings would somehow lessen them, but for me, this didn't happen... I do feel that discussing them was freeing, though, in that I could somehow give them to him even if just verbally. I felt as if I was holding this beautiful and precious treasure for him... and I just wanted to show him somehow. I always saw the love I felt for him as a gift. Painful at times, yes, but joyous as well. Maybe I'm just a little odd, lol. I guess I was kind of amazed that he could bring out such tenderness in me, that I had this in me, that I was even capable of this.

I think, Rainbow, that it's great that you have an open line of communication with your therapist. Maybe intense emotional closeness can sometimes be confused with erotic just because it is so intense. I hope things go well for you.