[ECHOES]

I know it's anger and frustration and my way of dealing is stuffing it till I'm numb. The ice cream in my freezer... well it WAS there for a second.... is proof.

I have already called and told her therapy feels shallow and boring and blah, blah, *****, crank, gripe.

Of course we can talk about it on Monday. I KNOW that. There was no point in her calling to say that.

Lately I just want to tell her to shove it. Take the canned, phony empathy and the canned, phony relationship and shove it.

I can't make the sessions work. They aren't long enough or often enough. It just isn't enough. I think I am a selfish hog.

I feel like there is nothing there for me. There is no one there for me. And I feel fololish that I insist on pretending it can be any other way.

[MINIME]

Hug. I am here.

[mixedup_emotions]

(((((( ECHOES ))))))

I know what you're feeling....I sometimes feel that way too....I hope you can find a way to work through those feelings with your T....

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((((( ECHOES )))))))))))))))))

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((Echoes))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

You said the sessions aren't long enough or often enough. I know that feeling. Could you make one of your sessions each week a longer session? Or add a session? I think sometimes when we feel like running away from T we really need to do just the opposite.

I've always gone for two sessions a week - when we made one of those sessions a 90 minute session a little while back, it started therapy moving forward again.

(((((((((((((((((((Echoes)))))))))))))))))))) I'm so sorry it's so hard right now...

((((((((echoes)))))))))

so sorry you're in such a rough spot right now.

[Sannah]

How long has this been bothering you?

[sunrise]

((((((((((ECHOES))))))))))

ECHOES, how do you want the sessions to be? I agree, "shallow and boring and blah" doesn't sound that desirable. What would you like? Have you ever had sessions like the ones you would like?

It sounds like you think more time would let the sessions be more like you want. Deeper? More meaningful? I do believe it is hard sometimes to just drop the mask of everyday coping and living and go plop on the couch in T's office and suddenly go into "deep and meaningful" mode. I can do that pretty well now, because I know in the end that if I don't, I will be very disappointed and have to wait 2 weeks for another session. So I liken myself to a trained seal--able to clap or bark on command. It's a weird place to be in, but without this, I would be highly dissatisfied. And having more frequent sessions doesn't always help, because it might mean you end up just having more unsatisfactory sessions.

I'm not sure there's an easy answer. I know you like to just let your sessions unfold, and follow what may come up. I wonder if you would be open to trying a different approach? Because maybe sometimes only things you consider "shallow or boring or blah" come up. Maybe try having the thing you want to talk about most (deep and meaningful or whatever it is you want) foremost in your mind so when session starts you can dive right into the most important topic instead of waiting for something to emerge. I know this may go against the way you like to do therapy, but maybe it could be useful for a few sessions to get you back in a direction you want to go in and that is what you want.

(((((((Echoes))))))))))
I'm so sorry you're in so much pain. I keep wondering why all of this therapeutical stuff has to be so agonizing. I have no answers, but I'm here for you.

[ECHOES]

Thanks everyone.

Sannah, I don't know how long. I suspect it is reactionary and comes and goes. I do have really good sessions and I have no desire to quit or anything. At this time my son is visiting. We haven't seen each other in 3 years, when I had him police escorted out (the 2nd police call) after hours of verbal abuse and threats. We have talked on the phone and he has grown/matured some. I think we both had idealized the reunion and it hasn't been what either of us expected. I carry so much guilt for many things. I was not the mother I wanted to be or that he deserved. I still can't be that person. We've had horrible arguements during his visit. The first 2 nights I slept with my cell phone, afraid.

I've seen T 3 times during the visit and I think part of this is about my thinking she didn't seem concerned when I said I was afraid he might harm me, and she has a tendency sometimes to try to "normalize" by saying something along the line of "everyone experiences that" and it just completely makes me feel like I am being dismissed. I really don't give a hoot if everyone experiences what I'm struggling with. And yes I've told her that. I've also told her that her empathy feels canned and insincere. I feel like I'm too critical and that I've offended/hurt her and she's going to get sick of it and...

I told her not too long ago that I felt like she was talking over my head often. Maybe she's gone too far the other direction.

I do not go with a certain topic to discuss. Sometimes I do have something I want to talk about, sometimes many things. Often addional thoughts about something we've talked about or a different interpretation of a dream. Sometimes just work issues as I am doing something I've never done before. Where it goes, it goes and that's fine with me.

I chose and love this kind of therapy. I love my T.

I also suspect that my visitor is disrupting my routine (routine is important for me) and is taking from my 'thinking' time, time I like to reflect or read or write.

ugh. I am just disconnected all over the place.

I listened to her voice mail message again. It is a long and thorough message and she does say we can talk about it on Monday and she also said she will be thinking about the session and what she did that made it difficult. She heard me, she replied letting me know she heard all that I said, she acknowledged that I sounded very distraught and disconnected. She is really there for me. It's just something to get through and I do "Trust the process." and I trust her. I think it will be okay, yet I feel very depressed too.

to everyone

Ugh, you've got a lot going on! I know that if I am having difficulties in real life, that they have sometimes caused me to start having a difficult time with therapy, too. I don't know exactly why, but just that they sometimes go together for me. It sounds like you have a lot of real world stuff on your plate, and I'm so glad that your T could leave you such a supportive message. She sounds great, and it's not very long at all till you can connect again on Monday! Take care.

[Mouse_]

Echoes

[phoenix7]

(((Echoes))) sounds like your sons visit has put you on edge - I understand about the normalising thing - when I told my old T about some things id done - he said "Ive heard worse" - I know he said it to let me know I wasnt as bad as I thought I was - but it made me feel .... small and pathetic - normalising sucks!!!! One of my brother in laws threatened me a long time ago but when my sister left home and someone turned my electric off in the middle of the night I slept on the sofa facing the front door with a knife - I understand how old fears remain with us - T said I overreacted - probably - but I did what I needed to feel safer and thats what you did with your phone.

I am really sorry that you ar going through such a hard time - I agree with Treehouse that sometimes we push T away when they are exactly what we need - Im glad T left you a supportive message - take care

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

At this time my son is visiting. I think we both had idealized the reunion and it hasn't been what either of us expected. I carry so much guilt for many things. I was not the mother I wanted to be or that he deserved. I still can't be that person. We've had horrible arguements during his visit. The first 2 nights I slept with my cell phone, afraid.

I've seen T 3 times during the visit and I think part of this is about my thinking she didn't seem concerned when I said I was afraid he might harm me,

I also suspect that my visitor is disrupting my routine (routine is important for me) and is taking from my 'thinking' time, time I like to reflect or read or write.

I am just disconnected all over the place.