[hangingon]

Tonight has been a rough night, I wish could really explain it. I worked all day and it was fine but driving home in my car I was hit with an intense sadness and probably some anger mixed. What gets to me the most is that I don't know why. It just came out of no where.

I'm so frustrated in not knowing why. I want to know why so I can fix it, and I can't even figure that out. Today would have been a good day to see my T but by the time I see her again, this will be over, I'll probably be ok or at least pretend I am. I hate that I can't figure out what it is, what triggered me and why.

Sometimes I feel like this stuff is never going to stop, that I am just some damaged person striving to live to the point where sometimes I don't want to deal anymore. Sometimes I just want to give up. Does it really get any better?

[crystalrose]

Hugs! it really does get better but that doesnt change how your feeling right now.
Iv been there where you are right now and it wasnt very long ago you just have to persist with getting support so you can get well.

[jbug]

Do you journal? I have found that when I do and I am in the spot you are that when I write down what I am feeling and the thoughts that are going through my head whatever they are no matter how crazy they may be helps. I may show it to my T or I may not but it sometimes helps.

Jan

((((Hangingon)))))),
Unfortunately, (at least in my case) progress has not been a straight uphill slope. I feel like I'm doing great and then all of a sudden I'm in the midst of a relapse. I feel for you, it is SO frustrating!

I does get better, though. My relapses are less intense and less frequent most of the time (not all, though). Keep going forward, you'll get there!

[mixedup_emotions]

I've been there too....although I haven't done anything about that...and it doesn't happen too often for me. But I really like the idea of journaling. Documenting where you are, what you're doing and what you're feeling....not knowing why is ok.....eventually there might be a pattern that your T can work with you on.

[gravyyy]

Sorry you're going through this experience hangingon. This often happens to me where I will have a decent day or even a good day and then all of a sudden *bam* overwhelming sadness or depression hits me. I have stopped trying to figure out why and have instead focused on how to cope with that. Sometimes just going out and being around people helps or sometimes it's going home and being by myself that helps. I suppose over time it would help to know why but it's not helpful to have the urgency of finding out because that may not happen for a long time, and that's okay. Everything is a process as painful as that may sound. Good luck finding some way to cope with these feelings. I know it can be so intense. Keep safe!

[hangingon]

Crystalrose,
Thank you, right now, I don't really have alot of support because I have only shared a little bit of this stuff with 3 people so far; two of them being T's. I have never called my T yet, and would be scared to death to, even though she says I can. I wish I could really ask for help but I always avoid it or turn it away pretending that I'm ok. I hope that changes in time.

Jbug,
I actually have not journalled except for a few dreams because my last T use to like me to do that and bring them to her.
My new T had talked with me about making a memory box. I was not pleased with that in the beginning because I thought it was because she didn't want to hear about my past. I finally told her that, and I had misunderstood her. So I did finally make the box a couple months ago but I have yet to put anything in it. She doesn't know that yet. Maybe I need to work on that. Thank you for your advice.

Soliree,
Thanks for sharing some of your experience. The ups and downs are very frustrating. I feel like I have so many more downs lately. Almost as if I am just starting out, I haven't even scratched the surface to all of this yet. I can't even be completely honest about my feelings with my T yet. I want to be, I just haven't got there yet. It's nice to know that it will get easier at some point. I just hate feeling like this, I try so hard to shove it all back down because it doesn't feel good to me. I think it felt better not feeling much at all.

MUE,
I'm sorry your struggling with some of these issues to. It's horrible when it happens. I will work on the idea you stated about documenting what was going on, where I was ect. Thank you for sharing those thoughts.

I just hope tomorrow is better. I need tomorrow to be better.

[chaotic13]

I have these episodes too. Where you feel awful, really want to get to the bottom of it...but you don't know where to start. I've also felt on numerous times...especially 2 AM while journally and connected with...whatever (introspective) ego state that I wished my T could talk to her. Sometimes I just curl up on the couch and journal in a conversation voice. I kind of a imagine a T session, only this one I feel comfortable enough to curl up and rest my head on the arm of the couch.

Although it is not the same... Maybe you could have a T session with yourself.I now find these little sessions with myself.

[hangingon]

Thanks gravvy,
It's hard for me not to know why. I have a hard time just letting things be. The process is really hard to trust but I know I have to learn to do that.
One of my coping mechanisms is to keep myself really busy. But I am finding thats not really helping me because then I never process this stuff. Yet, sitting with it really isn't helping either.
I tend to look at that whole picture, things that I want to change and it becomes very overwhelming. I feel like I wasted half my life before finally trying to deal with my past. Now that I have opened that door, I can't go back. That scares me.

[hangingon]

Thanks Chaotic,
I have never thought of doing that. I could be more honest then, because she's not sitting right there in front of me. Then I could get her to say some of the things I need to hear without having all the nerves involved in sharing it in the presence of my T.

I may have to give that a try...

Maybe I shouldn't put this here but sometimes, I don't want to be here. I have no intention of doing anything to myself. But sometimes I find myself wishing something would happen so that I don't have to do this anymore.

[mixedup_emotions]

Hope today is a better day for you!

[hangingon]

Today it hit me again. I was driving in my car to work and I just wanted to ball, but I had to hold back because I was not about to walk into work with my eyes puffy and red.

In my head, I found myself saying to my therapist that she doesn't have a clue what this feels like and that she is only telling me all this stuff about healing ect because thats what therapists are supposed to do. I really don't know whats going but I don't want to call her either. I find myself being so angry with myself for being like this. It was years ago, I know it what happened was bad, I know my parents were not the best parent's but I just want this crap to be over with.

I'm tired of it affecting me. I'm so tired of pretending everything is fine when inside its not. I'll show up in my T office again next week and pretend its all ok, I have perfected knowing how to do that. It comes so naturally, no one really has a clue. No one but me......it's a lonely place but I don't know how to get out of it.....

I know how you feel
I have a T that I trust and listesn
I often think it is a good day and then I get hit with high anxiety and sadness too
I go for a walk or get busier butthen face it and try to cope -It isn't always easy
I hope you are safe and someone listens

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by hangingon

Today it hit me again. I was driving in my car to work and I just wanted to ball, but I had to hold back because I was not about to walk into work with my eyes puffy and red.

In my head, I found myself saying to my therapist that she doesn't have a clue what this feels like and that she is only telling me all this stuff about healing ect because thats what therapists are supposed to do. I really don't know whats going but I don't want to call her either. I find myself being so angry with myself for being like this. It was years ago, I know it what happened was bad, I know my parents were not the best parent's but I just want this crap to be over with.

I'm tired of it affecting me. I'm so tired of pretending everything is fine when inside its not. I'll show up in my T office again next week and pretend its all ok, I have perfected knowing how to do that. It comes so naturally, no one really has a clue. No one but me......it's a lonely place but I don't know how to get out of it.....

I could have written your post....I've soooo been there and am still there in so many ways. I have a long way to go in the healing process...and I think everything you've written should be addressed with your T. If you don't want to call your T, can you e-mail? Or, type this up and print it for your T to read at your next appt? I know it's hard to face...it's back to that analogy of being at the top of the mountain. It's a hard climb to get there. ((( HUGS )))

[del12]

I am so sorry you are having such a hard time. Your last post sounds just like me. I walk into my T and everything is fine even though prior to my appoinment I am stressing over my past amd who I am now and trying to get the courage up to trust and be honest with my T.
I too wish that I could just say okay my childhood was crappy now lets get on with life and to say look where I am now (my successes) I could be in a worse place. I too waited 1/2 my life to get help and have told my T that things and feelings that are now surfacing have been stuffed forever. It is hard to accept and be okay with some of my feelings and thoughts about the past. I try to remember what my T has said and many of the members here have said "don't be so hard on yourself", it is okay to feel what you feel and your thoughts are yours and that is okay. We are here to support you and to get through this. So here we are to support you and help you get through this as best as we can.

[searchingmysoul]

Me too hanginon, me too.

I have perfected that art of being put together and perfect. My T just ditched me. Just about the most painful experience I have ever personally had. And I was still able to compartmentalize and show up to my new job and look the part. Inside I was a terrible mess but no one would ever know it though.

I am tired of the pretending and the lonliness. And I am scared of facing all of it too.

And I don't know how to leave things in the session. It all seems to spill over into the rest of my life. In the past I have journaled but to retain the sessions not to leave the charged nature behind. I guess I think the work happens between the sessions too.

Hang in there.

[phoenix7]

First - the feeling tha tif something happened to take you away from here - I told my T aobut that - and she said its just because you are tired and sad and thats what I think you are tired and sad.

Dont be angry with yourself - you are doing the best you can - you really are -is there a connection between driving and the feelings? try this - get a piece of paper and write - I am sad and teary at the top - then underneath write WHY? keep writing until you fnd out somthing that explains it e.g.,

I am sad and teary today
Why
I DONT KNOW!
Why
Because I dont want to know
why
Because Im afraid
Why
Because I dont think I can take it
why

Im not saying those are your answers - they are probably mine!! you just keep drilling down til you get to the reason - may help - just a thought - take care

[hangingon]

Suninthecity, MUE, del, searching, chaotic, and phoenix,

Thank you all for your support.

MUE, I'm afraid to tell my T; I know that sounds stupid, but I'm afraid to really let her know how I feel. I don't know if its because I will finally have to admit that I don't think things were the greatest growing up, when my whole life I was living a lie pretending it was, total denial. I still don't really want to face it, all of the emotions that come with it. I feel them starting to surface and its becoming so overwhelming. Yet, I can't seem to just let them come out. I feel like all of it would be too much and make me lose control.

Del,
Thats it, I don't have the courage to tell my T and she's been nice. I believe I trust her, but maybe I don't because if I did, wouldn't I just come out and tell her? I have also been sucessful, people don't have a clue about how I feel. I'm trying to let her know things but it's really hard when I have kept these things buried for years.
I hope for your sake and mine that we can get the courage to really open up to our T. Maybe deep down I'm afraid I am going to lose her if I let her know how I really feel.

Searching,
I don't know how you do it. I really feel for you. I would feel completely abandoned. I am really glad that you are taking care of yourself in finding someone else to work with after being hurt so by your T. I really hope this new one is wonderful for you.
I am so afraid of facing all the lonliness as well. I feel like I have been in my own little world my whole life. I have friends but I have been so surface level with my past friends, I am really trying to work on that because its really difficult for me to open up to people. Leaving things in session seem impossible. In fact it doesn't hit me most the time till I leave the session.

Phoenix,
My T said something similar, that the lonliness and not wanting to be here at times shows the level of my pain. Yet, I still can't talk to her about it, all I said was sometimes I just don't want to be here.
Someone else suggested something similar. I am going to try working on that to see if I can scratch the surface of what's really bothering me.

Thank you all again for your advice and support. I so need it.....

[phoenix7]

Being afraid to show how you really feel - feeling you would lose control and not be able to get it back - yes I know those feelings - opening up is scary - you think they will leave - somtimes they do - its scary and sometimes too scary - you do what you can when you can - and that is enough

[del12]

Hangingon
Sometimes I think it is ironic that the one person we should be able to trust and depend on is the one who we are so worried about losing. I feel the same as you. I am scared if I tell my T how I really feel that I will be judged and rejected. I think that it is probab;y because the people we trusted growing up are the ones who judged and rejected us, at least that is true in my life. My goal this week in therapy will be to be honest about my fear that I will be rejected and judged by my T. It almost makes me sick to my stomach to think about this, but I know it has to be done because if I am don't than I am just sabatoging my own future. I would guess my T already is a aware of my fear. Honestly I don't think my "gee I am fine" attitude fools my T. My T is just patient and is waiting for me to be ready. I think if I was my T I would want to just shake me and scream enough already I am not going any where! Maybe thats what needs to happen. Good luck this week!