Friend making inappropriate advances to my wife

~hugs~ All thanks, No Mothers Day has sucked. Hope everyone elses was good.

yeah sorry lionking that it bes not in top form right now. torture wratchets up high right now, hard to really be present at all let alone really "there" for someone else. pretty much sick enough right now to correspond to where others turn up voluntarily for lockdown, but it has no such options. can barely parse anything at the moment truth be told.

I would have to agree that you and your wife should make it VERY clear together that he's crossed the line. I know my husband would want to take the guy down in a major beating as well, but that will only land you in jail. You and your wife need to put your feet down together and make it clear he's crossed the line. As a wife I would feel uncomfortable if one of our friends was making advances like this. I would be trying to advoid them at all cost. And I think it comes down to do you value your marriage more then the friendship? You've told your friend, hey you crossed the line, but he's let things chill out and started this crap again. No, he's blown his chance. It's time to cut ties.

OK, I had a red flag go up when you said somethng about his kids. You said the kids had an "Incestrial episode"? DING DING DING, bells, red flags. Something is not right in that house. Did he tell you that his kids did this?? This is something that needs to be reported to child protective services. If you know about this then your obligated by law to report any spected child abuse. I know your thinking WTF, but there is something going in the house that isn't right. Maybe that's the reason the daughter is wanting you to pick her up from school. She trying to advoid being around her family??? Just a thought from an abuse survivor, something isn't right there.

Here is my opinion & suggestion..... Hope it helps.

First off I have to say that by not dealing with this situation head on when it first reared its ugly head you almost allowed it by not forbidding the inappropriate behavior toward your wife.

Peppermint_Patty;

I have to agree with Rhapsody here.
I think you guys sort of brought this on yourselves.
I don't know if I would go that far

K

I understand the thought NOW. I didn't b4.
To be honest I never took him serious before. It was causal flirting, didn't happen a lot, we don't see him a lot. And to be honest it was kinda flattering.
I think there are many situations just like this that start off so innocently.....just happen so subtly with what's going on around us & it's so seemingly unimportant that we don't really notice. I know that there are many things that happen in life that at first don't even seem like a problem or if there is any feeling of uncomfortable, we think it was just a passing thing that is a one time deal & will never happen again.

Until several things happen, there is nothing to really flag that there is a problem. Then when more things happen, we then look back at those previous things & realize they were signs that we wouldn't have otherwise bothered to notice. I think it is human nature to try & think the best of a person until we are proven wrong because we don't like to overreact when there might really be nothing to react to.

I insulted him pretty good at Christmas about something so nothing had happened since then so I truly didn't think anything of it. I just laughed, though he (and others, yes even my mom) would get a chuckle outta it.
When we feel we have handled something in passing that we felt would take care of what you didn't like that was happening & nothing happened since, it was logical to think the problem was taken care of, so yes, if the problem was taken care of, what difference would it make if you sent him the joke along with all the others you were sending.....probably really didn't even think of the specifics of the people you were sending it to anyway....he was just another name on the list at that time I would imagine

He response was stunning. I didn't know what to do or say, esp being 600 miles away.
Don't you hate it when that red light comes on so bright it wacks you over the head & is unexpected because you thought you took care of the problem......so where in the world did this come from....then we look back & see all the little crap that had been flagging it we had really thought were more innocent than the warning signs they really were. (hate it when that happens....like why couldn't they have just gotten it when I thought they did????)

I had my sister & mother in my ear telling me to ignore it, act like I never received it, and I didn't want to tell LK about it over the phone and didn't know how to respond.
With everyone & everything chattering in your head, it's hard to come up with what really happened let alone what do I need to do if anything....& you knowing the history of the guy....added to the stuff swirling around in the brain needing sorting out before knowing what is really happening in the first place.....let alone what to do.

Hindsight being 20/20 I wish I had responded right away telling him what a jerk and how wrong that was........but i didn't..........and my guilt wouldn't let me just not tell LK....so I did........and....here we are.......
Honesty with LK was the best thing as it really is a relationship thing that needs to be worked out together with each supporting each other & standing up to the situation with a united front....that is what marriage is all about when you have a good marriage & love each other like you guys do.

I want to be very clear, cutting them out of our lives isn't an option, she is my best friend and she is VERY sick, has to have brain surgery in July and I am the ONLY one (other than LK) doing anything to help her. Quite obvious her husband is a looser, here mom is worthless and her sisters, all 4 of them, are too caught up in their own lives to pay attention to her....
When we get more of the surrounding facts, it is completely understanding how you could NOT POSSIBLY desert her. She needs your support right now more than anything else in the world.....sounds like it's pretty much her against the world right now if it wasn't for wonderful friends like you & LK.....Definitely stick by her.....I agree, cutting her out of your life isn't an option.

We rarely see the man. He is a work a holic but we sometimes play cards (maybe one night a month) Frankly I am praying that my friends, who knows what a sorry excuse for a husband he is, leaves him as soon as she's feeling better.
Maybe you could not do that socializing since it isn't that often anyway.....that would cut him out & you could explain to her why. Since she knows what a sorry excuse for a husband he is....this will only give her more ammunition to base her reasoning to leave on & with you sticking by her so she doesn't feel she NEEDS to have him around to take care of her......that will give her more feeling that it is ok to leave

This is the first time in 10 years she has been off psyh meds (she was being od) and she is thinking clearly, rationally and like her former self again. I duuno if she just worked out enough of her issues (sexual abuse as a kid) in therapy or what but she really doens't need the drugs anymore and she is seeing him for what he is...and caring...for the first time in a long time. And I do not want to lose her as a friend. I will not abandon her.
She is lucky to have you guy as close friends....

What I want to do is show it to her (I fwd the text to her too (the initial text) and let him face her wrath. She will let him know how inapproperiate it is!
Like I said above.....not a bad idea to give her more nails to nail in his coffen....that will give her even more information on what a bad husband he really is.....I think it's important to let her know & because you are a close friend with her, I am sure she will appreciate your support in this also.


~slouches~ I know I should have know better....I didn't and thats my fault so please don't beat around the bush.
Like I said in my previous post...Hindsight is always 20/20....you will know what to do if it ever happens to you again (like what are the chances of being hit twice with a meterorite). Life is a learning process...it's when we don't learn from our experiences that there is a problem.
I expect honesty and I give it too. My motto is if you don't want the answer to a question...Don't ask it......
Sometimes the honesty is hard when not all the facts are known. Many facts which we may think are trivial or have nothing really to do with the situation, actually are more why we do what we do.

I don't have much of a 7 second delay anymore...wonder if it's the Zoloft???

Of and the story about marking his territory....~shakes head~ completely true.......
Sometimes actions that are an exageration of what the problem is in the first place end up only making the problem worse.....instead of better & give the person the thinking oh, if that's the way they are....then it's ok for me to be even more that way......it's so hard to know how someone who is as sick as this guy really is will react to something or how he will see it......is it best not to play along with their line of thought when you are dealing with people like that & just put up the red flag that says STOP.....THIS IS ENOUGHT rather than to do something that is rather blatently disgusting...thinking he will get what you are trying to say rather than taking in a way that only encourages the sexual thoughts going on in his head. Again, we only realize these things after experiences like this where we see what didn't work & if the the lightening ever strikes again......rather than getting hit.....the working solution will be better known.

The text message in & of it self wasn't in poor taste. It was a blanket text to family & friends & none of them are extreme holy rollers or anything so it wasn't going to offend anyone...
Who the heck would take a joke as a come on?

I am not saying if I agree with patty or not however you guys asked for opinions which is what she is giving.