Friend making inappropriate advances to my wife

Hey guys. As many of you know that have had to deal with an excessive amount of...well...me lately. My wife was gone out of state for a few days. Thank Goddess, maybe things can return to the abnormal that is more normal to us.

However, There is a new problem that I need to address that came up tonight.

A long time "friend" of mine that we've known for about 12 years or so did something that I feel needs to be may need to be responded to somehow.

Since I'm asking for opinions...I want to give some back ground so you have a better picture.

When we were younger he had a "fixation" so to speak on my wife. We were casually joking over playing cards & got on the topic of sex & what things we do or don't do. He was EXTREMELY fascinated by one particular thing my wife did that his doesn't. For a couple years...he would make playful comments about my wife's breasts & smack her on her butt often when she walked by. She mentioned that it made her feel uncomfortable so I started suttley suggesting he stops in a casual joking way. He seemed to eventually get the message & backed off...or he just matured or lost interest...we had hoped.
Hind site is always 20/20, we can look back at what we might have been able to have done: BC might could have confronted HIM immediately & tell him to STOP IT...KNOCK IT OFF OR I'LL KNOCK YOUR HEAD OFF THE NEXT TIME YOU TOUCH ME. Setting up our boundaries & making sure that people know them (very difficult for women to do against men). It is amazing how sometimes a few simple words can save a lot of grief in the future.

This holds the disclaimer however....this guy is a jerk & jerks are insensitive to anything we say or do so this probably wouldn't have made any difference anyway.

When we react in a way to protect ourselves, it is mostly so we can feel that we have done all we can do against jerks like this even though it doesn't really help.

My wife & I went through a very rough patch over the fall. I wasn't sure we were going to pull through it as a couple. I don't know if this situation made him feel that there was an "opening" or what.

After we got back together he used one of his jobs with a local hockey team to start making sure my wife would win free dinners & contests that they do during intermission.

I let it go at that time because she always took me to dinner with her when she won. Then the next day he would get a little upset that she didn't take him. But it was one of those things where I wasn't sure if he was serious or not.
It is hard to know whether some people are serious or not...that is how they cover up their true feelings so you can't catch on..you couldn't be expected to have known.....
Then came Christmas: Him, his wife & kids came over to exchange gifts. They got me a Dallas Cowboys T-shirt...cool. I'm not into gifts anyway...
However, he then made a point to give my wife an entire freaking wardrobe of Chicago Bears merchandise!! Scarfs, jersey, gloves, ear muffs, etc. Not only far more than he got me but more than he gave his wife.

Not sure, my reaction was the best but it was instinctual.or maybe a little bit ADD? While I'm not jealous of him remotely because 1. I trust my wife, 2. physically he has nothing to offer over me....all he has is money but he's so missing the boat if he thinks that is relevant here. My response was because I was insulted by the fact that he was doing this right in front of me & thinking I was too stupid to figure it out.

I waited for my wife to get all the merchandise on...to try it out....Then i took her in the bathroom, leaving them in the other room & had sex with my wife right there & made sure to...ummm...leave my DNA on the Bears Jersey...walked out of the bathroom & tossed it to him...he of course freaked out & dropped it....after about 20 seconds of awkward silence...I made a joke saying "that's the only thing that a Bears jersey is good for. Everyone started laughing...even his wife! He laughed a few seconds later.
Looking back....this might have been a good time for you & BC to have drawn together boundaries as husband & wife with this couple. Think the boundary to never see them again would have been a good thing even though the wife is nice....there has to be limits.

Same disclaimer as above....some jerks are not phased by anything....think this jerk is one of them

Things seem to calm down after that but yesterday my wife was sending jokes that she gets through text messaging to everyone in her contacts list...here's the joke...
Think it would be a good idea if she removes him from her contact list NOW.
"new stamp in the shape of a vagina. But, it's not selling because only 3% of men know how to lick the damn thing"

Here's his text back

"ha ha ha very funny. I'd show you here & now how to lick a ***** if my wife & your husband won't get upset. You big tease"
He is definitely a disgusting....the sad thing is that when we start innocently joking around like this...it does leave us open to these kinds of responses especially when we know the kind of guy he already is.....sometimes we need to do things that are a nuisance to help protect ourselves from situations like this....like not blasting things like that to everyone on our contact list....(don't think if I had a mother & she was on my contact list, I would send something like this out to her). Even though we are just innocently joking & it doesn't seem like it should matter....sadly, many times it does end up mattering if we aren't careful.....nothing to feel that was done wrong though....something we all do at a moment when we think something is cute & want to share.


Now while my wife was in Arkansas I was carting his daughter to & from high school because his wife is legally blind fighting a condition called a psuedo tumor. His daughter abruptly changed her pick up time on thursday from 3:30 to 4:30. I refused to do it because my son had baseball practice & I knew he being her father got off work at 3:30 & could do it.Good for you....with all his irresponsible actions...it's important he be held responsible for something. ..this is a good start I could tell he was pissed that I wouldn't do it.
Then this happens the next day...

Just a little more background on this guy. A few months back his 2 kids 16 year old daughter & 13 year old son had an incestrial episode. When mom found out she went to wake up..well...I'll give a 1st name...Kevin. He said to go back to bed & he would deal with it in the morning.
Another point toward his lack of moral values, poor judgment
He has also told me in recent months that his wife could die & it honestly wouldn't bother him. He could take the life insurance & pay off his bills & be a happy man. The really disturbing part to me is this wasn't in a heat of passion,it wasn't during an arguement...he said it completely calm, deliberate & well thought out.
BTW, he did "playfully" hit his wife in the back of the head knowing she's gotta have brain surgery.
And yet another point toward his lack of caring for other people, moral values, poor judgment, & NO HEART...(how sad if he thinks hitting his wife like that playfully is the right thing to do. Maybe that is why had the head problem is the way it is.

My wife feels like she's done something wrong. I disagree.
YOU ARE RIGHT TO DISAGREE....BC has done nothing wrong! The only things that MIGHT have changed anything MIGHT have been some of the reactions you both had against the jerk.....but that would have been a huge MIGHT because jerks like him are insensitive to anything anyone says or does anyway.......You can't kick yourself for something you might have done. We just go through what happened, try to think about what we might have done differently....maybe realizing on this last situation that sadly, sexual humor has the potential for NOT ending up as the innocent un we think of it as at the time.

This is all the learning process of life & go on from there

If anyone other than him did anything wrongHe was the only one that did anything wrong!!!! it would be me.You & BC were only reacting to his wrong....reactions are usually not right or wrong but they can either help relieve or end up encouraging the wrong that is being done....that is why it's important to think closely about what we are doing & have good team work between you when things like this comes up. Stand together as a team against this guy & decide together how it needs to be handled. I have found that in life, it is not good to assume anything (figure, think)....when I assume, I usually assume wrong & it ends up being nothing like what I assume I didn't say anything about him rigging the contest because she would always take me with her...of course. I (figured) once he saw that she wasn't inviting him he would take the hint. Then after Christmas I (thought) that was a pretty blunt display on my part....

Now this text...

So I need some advice here...because I think he's escallating...

here's thte methods of coming to a solution i have thought of...

NO1. Ignore it & see if by not responding if he escallates or ceases this.
NO2. I can physically beat the crap out of him...but does that solve the problem?
NOT ENOUGH3. I can tell him that he was out of line & to stop. The thing here is that I think he might take this as me being "threatened & incourage him to escalate.
YES4. I could have Chris politely say she didn't think it was appropriate
YES5. I could have Chris very bluntly say that she has no interest in him in anyway...without me. So he knows it's coming straight from her.
6. Have nothing more to do with HIM...you can take care helping his wife with whatever doesn't bring you into contact with him....but all contact needs to be stopped with him....this might be a little tough because of his wife...but I am sure there is a way.
Which one of these options do you guys like best or do you have one I haven't thought of...

LK

Lion

I think you and your wife have to approach this man directly and honestly. Stop playing mind games with him as he seems to enjoy them. Refuse his gifts to either you or your wife. Set boundaries with him on what is acceptable and what is NOT acceptable.

If he refuses to obey your boundaries and continues to act out, distance yourself (and your wife) from him. Make it very very clear that he has crossed the line and it won't be tolerated anymore.

As the wife I have to have my say. I am sure many people are thinking I intentionally encouraged this it happen by fwding the joke.
I think you did it innocently - and I dont think he needed any encouragement - i think if you had even looked in his direction he would have taken it the wrong way - just the way it is

So lets acknowledge the elephant in the room. I understand the thought NOW. I didn't b4. To be honest I never took him serious before. It was causal flirting, didn't happen a lot, we don't see him a lot. And to be honest it was kinda flattering. I insulted him pretty good at Christmas about something so nothing had happened since then so I truly didn't think anything of it.

hindsight is wonderful - but like i said - above ok.

I just laughed, though he (and others, yes even my mom) would get a chuckle outta it. He response was stunning. I didn't know what to do or say, esp being 600 miles away. I had my sister & mother in my ear telling me to ignore it, act like I never received it, and I didn't want to tell LK about it over the phone and didn't know how to respond. Hindsight being 20/20 I wish I had responded right away telling him what a jerk and how wrong that was........but i didn't..........and my guilt wouldn't let me just not tell LK....so I did........and....here we are.......

I would prob have done the same thing - wouldnt have known what to do either so dont beat yourself up about it ok
I want to be very clear, cutting them out of our lives isn't an option, she is my best friend and she is VERY sick, has to have brain surgery in July and I am the ONLY one (other than LK) doing anything to help her. Quite obvious her husband is a looser, here mom is worthless and her sisters, all 4 of them, are too caught up in their own lives to pay attention to her....

Im glad you are there for support - sounds like she needs it
We rarely see the man. He is a work a holic but we sometimes play cards (maybe one night a month) Frankly I am praying that my friends, who knows what a sorry excuse for a husband he is, leaves him as soon as she's feeling better. This is the first time in 10 years she has been off psyh meds (she was being od) and she is thinking clearly, rationally and like her former self again. I duuno if she just worked out enough of her issues (sexual abuse as a kid) in therapy or what but she really doens't need the drugs anymore and she is seeing him for what he is...and caring...for the first time in a long time. And I do not want to lose her as a friend. I will not abandon her.

sounds like she has been going through a lot - my sister stayed with an A-hole for 23 years - I hope your friend doesnt stay that long - maybe being sick wil help sort out what is important to her and who is not
What I want to do is show it to her (I fwd the text to her too (the initial text) and let him face her wrath. She will let him know how inapproperiate it is!

good idea.
~slouches~ I know I should have know better....I didn't and thats my fault so please don't beat around the bush. I expect honesty and I give it too.

If I thought it was your fault - I would have said so - you sent out what you thought was a funny text - thats all you did - YOU DIDNT DO ANYTHING WRONG - I prob wouldnt text him again with stuff like this - maybe in his mind he thought he was just being funny! NOT!!!!

My motto is if you don't want the answer to a question...Don't ask it.......I don't have much of a 7 second delay anymore...wonder if it's the Zoloft???
probably - Zoloft didnt work for me - am on cymbalta now - which is helping me more - although it took a month to kick in !!!

Of and the story about marking his territory....~shakes head~ completely true.......