[jbug]

How would you approach this situation?

I am on HUD housing assistance and am being inspected on Monday for my yearly review to make sure I am still eligible for assistance. No big deal it happens every year and I always am and life goes on.

Well this year my dad is freaking out and sent my mom over to help me clean for it. I was out at my parents house today to help my mom clean like I do every week and am expected to do so or I don't get any money from them. So I do what I am supposed to and come home. Well I'm sitting at my kitchen table working on my Mother's day card for my Grandma and my mom shows up. She told me that my dad sent her over because he thinks I need help to get ready for inspection. Lately I guess he thinks I live in squalor or something so he sent mom over to help me get ready. The wierd thing is he was just over here on Tuesday and told me my apartment didn't look to bad..he told me a few things that need help and I told him I would work on them. When I was out there today he asked me how they were coming and I told them fine and that they looked a whole lot better. Well I guess I'm just not trustworthy enough or good enough to do it on my own.

I have done these inspections for the last 2 years and have been complimented both times on how clean my apartment is and have been passed. I don't see why all of a sudden I need help to get it clean.

Yes it was nice to have help but my mom goes nuts when she cleans and it gets really bad before it gets better and when it gets really bad my OCD kicks in and I get very stressed and I get angry and start becoming a *****. I apologized several times today for becoming that way and she said she knows that I have troubles that way and she anticipated that it would happen. I also realized about an hour into it that I hadn't taken my morning meds so I took them but they didn't work while she was here.

So how would you deal with this? I want to say something to my dad about it but don't know what to say without coming off as an ungrateful child. I am kind of thankful that my mom came over because she did get my kitchen floor clean but I felt like he didn't trust that I could actually do it on my own.

Jan

[madisgram]

you wrote: "So how would you deal with this? I want to say something to my dad about it but don't know what to say without coming off as an ungrateful child. I am kind of thankful that my mom came over because she did get my kitchen floor clean but I felt like he didn't trust that I could actually do it on my own."

hi jan, if it were me i'd pick a good time and just ask my parents if they didn't think you could do it on your own. and if their answer is yes, i'd ask them to elaborate. then i'd consider their reply and then offer them your opinion on the yearly house cleaning chore.
it sounds like they love you a lot and just want to be helpful. perhaps they meant well and you interpreted it as they not thinking you capable of doing it yourself. i find i often times read into something that isn't at all what was really meant. a good way to avoid a misunderstanding is to just ask.
hope this helps!
the other jan

[Soidhonia]

Jan. I think your Father is just wanting the best for you, and that he didnt need to be insensitive to your feelings. He Probably felt that since you help them out so much that you deserve help yourself. It is hard to feel independent at times with parents that are so involved in your life, but if you feel that you were slighted by your fathers behaviour then by all means ask him what he meant. I think you may need some clarification on what the reason was that your father felt that you needed help, and that is your right as well to feel less vulnerable by his actions. Take care Jan. PM anytime. Soidhonia

[AAAAA]

I've had to think this over a bit before replying because the way you've worded this, it does sound like you're ungrateful. Your parents do a lot for you, without them you would not have the standard of living you have now nor the independence. The way I see it you have two choices 1) you can choose to be offended and be angry, annoyed, and hurt or 2) you can count your blessings and be thankful for the help that was given.

Now before your blood pressure goes up and my response offends you hear me out. The ONLY person on this planet you can change is yourself. There is nothing that you can say or do to change your father or his actions. You can either accept him as he is or cut him out of your life. It really is that simple. If you CHOOSE to continue to accept the love and support they give you, you have to decide how to respond the next time he treats you like a child. Which is what you still are to him, reguardless of your age.

In this situation there is so many things that are unknown you really have no idea of the motives involved. Personally I would say "wow that was really nice of my mother to come over and help me." You get to decide how you react to any situation negatively or positively.

I really do understand how you feel, spring cleaning does create a lot of mess and chaos. You make a bigger mess than when you started, but the end result is much better. I know how over-whelming that feeling is when everything is torn out of the cupboards and drawers and you haven't finished scrubbing everything down, you wonder if it'll ever be back to "normal" again.

[jbug]

I guess I didn't word it right. I am grateful she came over to help but it was just the thought that they didn't think that I could do it on my own that has my hackles up. I guess I think that they don't think that I can handle the little things in life like checking the oil in my car, keeping my apartment clean, buying nutritious food etc. They (meaning my dad) always asks me did you check the oil in your car, let me see your menus for the week, sending my mom over to inspect my apartment once a week etc. If any of those things aren't done to his standard I get yelled at. The wierd thing is I always have them done to the standard done of the person checking them. I do check the oil in my car once a week, my mom comes over on Fridays and there are usually small things that need to be done but I always know there are going to be because I have yet to please my mom. My menus are always done nutriously and have yet to be asked to change anything on them. So I don't know why I have to keep be being dogged on and treated like I don't know what I am doing. I feel like they don't trust that I can do things on my own. Yes in the past I have messed things up but I am doing much better with my life and it's like they don't see it or that they do see it and they want me to regress back to my old state so they can continue to control my life.

I am grateful mom came over to help me clean I don't have to get on my hands and knees to scrub my floor now. I just wish I would have been asked first.

Jan

[AAAAA]

I really do understand this. We lived with my parents for a few months when we moved back into the area and I cleaned the house from top to bottom on Fridays. I stripped and waxed floors, furniture was moved and the carpets were steam cleaned, every knick knack came off of the shelf and was cleaned and replaced. I even put stuff in the wrong spot on purpose so she'd know it had been done. And yet every Saturday morning I'd get up and she'd be redoing it. At the time I was so insulted. I also did all of the cooking, no matter what there wasn't a single meal that I prepared that my father didn't have a comment about how it could be made better. This continued even when they'd come to my home for visits. I had my fill when I served him some stew and he said "oh, it's very good, but the veggies are cut too big, I have to cut them to fit a bit of each into each bite." I told him don't eat it then. He really had no idea that he'd been doing it. I pointed out that day that his eggs for breakfast needed more salt, that the lettuce on his sandwich for lunch was in the wrong place, and the veggies in the stew where cut too big.

Years later my mom asked me to do her spring cleaning. My brother and his wife were coming for their five year visit and she wasn't able to get off work for the cleaning and the visit. I took that opportunity to say "no way, suddenly my work is good enough for you because you can't do it yourself." It turns out that the cleaning is part of her schedule, something she just has to do.

So here are a couple of things that I've learned being the parent of adult children and being the adult child myself. 1) No matter what, mom and dad's way of doing things. You can talk until you're blue in the face but rarely will you convice them your way of doing things is better. 2) If your parents are partially/completely responsible for your standard of living they will have an opinion on a great many things and they deserve to be heard. I believe it is my responsibility to support my daughter while she's in college. In my opinion her job now is doing well in school. She managed her money so well her first year on her own that instead of giving her money in installments her second year we gave her the entire amount the beginning of the school year. It was all gone by Christmas and she had not done her Christmas shopping yet. I am aware that she's learned her lesson but you'd better believe that I will not do that again. She will get her money monthly so that she won't be able to make that mistake again.

I doubt very much that they want to control your life, it is very draining fretting about what we see as mistakes you are making in your life. So as I said before you have the choice to let this irritate you or take a look at where you'd be in life without their help and be thankful that they care enough to help you out.

[Pomegranate]

(((((((((jbug)))))))) You are NOT a child, you are a GROWN WOMAN. And you should be treated that way. I think in other posts you've written you mentioned you see a therapist? If so, why don't you ask for help with this situation - how you would put into words, in a loving way, what you want to ask your father about why he handled the situation the way he did.

I'm feel so bad for you that your parents sound so insensitive to your feelings. Just because you need their help doesn't mean they shouldn't be kind and supportive while giving that help to you. Just because you need their help, does not mean they have the right to treat you like crap. Unfortunately, it does mean that if they get angry that you don't accept the way they treat you, they may withhold any help they give you. So you need to be aware of the consequences of what you say to them, and how you act towards them. But that is your decision to make. Take care of yourself.

[jerrymichele]

Jan I would ask him in an indirect way. If you can't do that have a conversation with your mom about it. Tell them that you appreciate their help, but if you really need help cleaning you will ask. Just when you bring it up do it in a proper way. Just don't show your anger.

[Simcha]

Originally Posted by jbug

How would you approach this situation?

I am on HUD housing assistance and am being inspected on Monday for my yearly review to make sure I am still eligible for assistance. No big deal it happens every year and I always am and life goes on.

Well this year my dad is freaking out and sent my mom over to help me clean for it. I was out at my parents house today to help my mom clean like I do every week and am expected to do so or I don't get any money from them. So I do what I am supposed to and come home. Well I'm sitting at my kitchen table working on my Mother's day card for my Grandma and my mom shows up. She told me that my dad sent her over because he thinks I need help to get ready for inspection. Lately I guess he thinks I live in squalor or something so he sent mom over to help me get ready. The wierd thing is he was just over here on Tuesday and told me my apartment didn't look to bad..he told me a few things that need help and I told him I would work on them. When I was out there today he asked me how they were coming and I told them fine and that they looked a whole lot better. Well I guess I'm just not trustworthy enough or good enough to do it on my own.

I have done these inspections for the last 2 years and have been complimented both times on how clean my apartment is and have been passed. I don't see why all of a sudden I need help to get it clean.

Yes it was nice to have help but my mom goes nuts when she cleans and it gets really bad before it gets better and when it gets really bad my OCD kicks in and I get very stressed and I get angry and start becoming a *****. I apologized several times today for becoming that way and she said she knows that I have troubles that way and she anticipated that it would happen. I also realized about an hour into it that I hadn't taken my morning meds so I took them but they didn't work while she was here.

So how would you deal with this? I want to say something to my dad about it but don't know what to say without coming off as an ungrateful child. I am kind of thankful that my mom came over because she did get my kitchen floor clean but I felt like he didn't trust that I could actually do it on my own.

Jan

Hey Jan (((((JBUG)))))

I'm almost 100% positive that HUD eligibility isn't fact contingent on how clean your HUD residence is. Unless, it is?

Sounds like your parents are really great for helping you and in their own way trying to be supportive, but they seem to assume you are a child and must then be treated like a child? I'm not sure, I'm just guessing. Ideally parents empower their children, and with adult children they certainly have no right to impose their will on them, don't you think?

I'd just say, "Mom, Dad, thanks so much, but really I'm fine and don't need help, but I'll call you up ASAP if I get in over my head!" Another option would be to just suck it up this time if your on a short time frame between now and the inspection and your behind.

My thoughts alone here---I'm pretty sure you can handle this on your own, but it's letting the parents know they are appreciated but not needed that seems tricky for you.

[AAAAA]

You're eligibility does not depend upon how clean your home is, but your ability to remain in their housing does. The inspection isn't just to do the paper work for continuing assistance, it is to make sure that the property remains in good condition, that you don't have any unapproved people or pets, and a million other things. In my home state the inspections took place every 6 months, although the cleanliness qualification was that the place was "broom-swept". They did however open cupboards and doors to ensure that everything was in working order.

I lived in a HUD home for a year when the rental unit I lived in became uninhabitable because of plumbing and heating problems in the winter which gave me an emergency status. It was a huge pain in the butt. My father worked for the sheriff's department and when he was on patrol in the area he would take his meal break at my home. Part of my rental agreement was if the police were ever called on me for any reason I would be immediately evicted. The first time my father stopped for dinner I got a call from the housing department asking why I had a patrol car at my home, I reminded them that they discovered my father was a police officer when they did my background check. They were always very nice but they definately knew what was going on in their rental units. How they knew so much I do not know. When my husband and I decided to seperate it did not even occur to me to inform them, but they actually knew before my parents did. They called to tell me that it would have to be a legal seperation with a child support order in place if I expected them to discount my husband's income reguarding our rent, along with another walk through etc for him to be released from the lease. I had not even thought of asking for a discounted rent etc., we were just take a break to think and regroup.

Having the government as your landlord is not an easy thing. If you are evicted for a violation of the lease getting another HUD house is nearly impossible. The list is long and if you've proven that you're not able to live up to their expectations they're not willing to give you another chance. On the other hand, if you are unable to keep the house clean for example due to mental or physical limitations they will put you in touch with the approapriate Social Service agent and make sure that you get the services that you need. I didn't even know these services existed until I lived in that house. My neighbor had someone from social services come every couple of weeks to help her do her plan meals for her children and do the grocery shopping, and to teach her to cook and clean.