[kimmydawn]

This is long, but 1/1000 of the story...

I'm so upset. My head is going in a million directions with questions and no answers. I'm trying to keep from panicking.

The little man that I have sunk my everything into for six months now, may be going with momma and daddy more...my fear most of the time. Is that horrible? No. My main concern is that at his very delicate age, he needs stability and special bonding and attention. If he doesn't have that special bonding, he could be setting up for mental illness later when the biological aspects aren't in his favor for not having one as it is.

I have had my little man for six months now. He's been the entire focus in my life. I've let relationships with my husband and daughter go to the back burner to do what I need to for this little guy...to give him EVERYTHING that he needs...emotionally and physically. I quit my job and gave up my career. Most of my therapy has been about him. My therapy came to a stanstill for months. We've all adjusted now, though.

He came to me from two extremely ill (at the time) parents. They did the best they could for as long as they could. They did good by him. Family was always highly involved. There was never abuse or neglect. His parents split up. His father went into the hospital (my brother), and his mother went to heavy drugs. The baby came to me safely. I've had him since. I've done nothing as far as custody because they would not agree. I called children's services to see if anything there needed to be done. They said no, and that by his parents allowing him to be with me when they couldn't do it was still being good parents because they were seeing to the care for their child. I agree. I went into this telling them that in the minute chance they were able to be ok enough to take their son back, I would be so proud of everyone.

The problems?

I'm not conviced that they're well enough for a long enough period of time to take their son back. They don't want to do it overnight. They're actually being very smart about it. They want to start getting him more when they get their new place next month. His mother is finally putting her foot down. She wants her baby more. My brother is the one saying that he doesn't think it's a good idea at this point...more, yes. alot, no.

How has their situation improved? Well, the brother went drug free. He went into the hospital for stabalization. He is now established with mental health services. However, that's by a thread because he's still yet to attend drug and alcohol as they've demanded...another thing telling me it's too soon. His mother went into drugs heavily when the brother went off and went into the hospital. She has now cleaned herself up and is working a good job. She's only been there a month and was offered a new position with a raise...concern there is that it's been a short time without heavy drugs and a short time working. They each can maintain things...but only for short periods of time. They are together again, but they've been on and off again for years...with horrible fights (one I almost called the police about even though the baby was with me). Yes, that was then and this is now, but the now hasn't been for a long period of time.

They have made so many strides and good changes in their lives! I'm so proud of them! However, it's not been for a long enough period of time to suggest complete change. Also, I've learned that they're smoking pot again. Before anyone gets angry...I don't think pot a bad thing. I really don't. However, I know they did a lot more than that. Is pot all they're doing? Are they back into eating xanies like they're candy? Painpills for the buzz? Will his mother be able to stay away from coke? Ugh, too many questions when a precious little life is concerned.

Another aspect of this is too...I will ALWAYS be highly involved. I think when they talk about keeping him more, it means a few days off and on throughout the week. They don't want the resposibility of full time I don't think. They never did...even when he was newborn. So, I think I'll continue to play a huge role at least 3-4 days of the week.

Why am I freaking so badly? Well, for one thing right now they're living about my mother. She keeps an eye and ear out when he's there. Nice. They're moving soon...no eyes and ears. I must remember, he was never abused. I can't let PTSD get ahold of me on this one. Little man bonded with and loves his momma and daddy very much. He loves me and papaw very much too. Can it work sharing responsibility and care for this baby? I don't know. Are they just feeling guilty and want to be around their cute little boy more "for the moment". I don't know. I can't stand uncertainty...especially involving a child. UGH.

I've just been rambling and not making much sense. I wish i could put into words the confusion, concern, worry, loss, fear, excitement, joy, sense of accomplishment, pain, etc. that I feel right now. I'm going through all of this when I don't even know if they're serious and to what extent beucase they don't know themselves

This is hard. I will say this...If he stays in my full time care throughout this summer, or they take him part time then he comes back to me full time...either because they can't get or keep it together...I won't play anymore games. My heart can't stand it. I will go straight to the courts for temporary custody and involve the courts in this process. I deserve this security, but mostly this child deserves and NEEDS this security.

Thank you for letting me pour my heart out. I'm literally spinning right now inside.

KD

[h0kie]

((((((((((kimmydawn))))))))))

I think all your concerns are valid. If things begin to happen where he is going to go with them more, I'd make sure to mention everything her to his caseworker (if he has one) or someone in charge. Your concerns sounds completely valid to me.

I'll support you, whatever you decide. Thinking of you and trying to send any wisdom I may have on the subject....which isn't much.

[kimmydawn]

thank you ((((((((((((((((((( 1day )))))))))))))))))))))

My t is actually the director of our county mental health and deals with custody, forced guardianships, etc on a weekly basis. I have his complete knowledge and understanding here. If it came to the point where I have to take them to court, I have excellent backup on the history of their unstableness and drug abuse. I just don't want it to go there. I really hope they remain stable and can be a regular, if not full time, ppl is this little guy's life. He loves them both so much.

I think the perfect scenario would be that they get him a few days per week with one nite...perfect for everyone including me. we'll see. they talk alot and the probably won't even do that. they've kept him all nite twice in the last 4 months, and have only seen him about 4-6 hours per week.

I can only wait and see and I think that's what's getting me...the uncertainty.

thank you again, 1day. it's much appreciated. YOU'RE much appreciated.

kd

[mj14]

kimmy,

I am so sorry you are having to go through this...I know how much the little guy means to you.

Try to hang onto the hope that things will work out for the best. From what you have said, it sounds like his mother and father don't want to cause him harm, they just aren't really aware of their own limitations. So if you can follow your plan of gradually increasing the time they have him, then they very well may reach a point where they will feel that they don't have what it takes to have him 24/7.

I have a friend who is in a very similar situation. She has been raising her 10 year old granddaughter for her whole life. Last fall, the girl's mother (my friend's daughter) just took her away, and my girlfriend was devastated. But by Christmas, the mother had realized that she couldn't be a good mother all on her own, so she and the little girl both moved back in with my friend. I hope and pray that your current situation can find a solution that will keep your little man in a safe environment as well.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{kimmy}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Love,
Jo

[kimmydawn]

thank you so much (((((((((((((((((((( jo ))))))))))))))))))))

yes, my brother seems to already know his limitations as he was his main caretaker when they had him. he's told the baby's momma that it's not possible for 24/7...ever as far as he can see. he's been very honest at seeing his limitations due to his massive love for his precious little boy. i respect him so much for that. he said also that he thinks momma is just feeling guilty, which she does alot. she also makes statements and then thinks better of it.

all i can do is continue to be for this baby what he needs. one thing that bothers me is that i'm starting to feel somewhat like a puppet with those two having control of the strings should this situation go any further.

thank you again,

kd

[Eva1nder]

((((((kimmy)))))))) I know how hard this is... you and your family are in my thoughts & prayers.

When my son was 1...I had given my mother my son for 2years because at the time it seemed like I had no other choice.

My mom to this day confirms this decision as well. Saying I made the right decision for my son's well being. That I did what was right at the time for his sake.

It's just it's not easy all the way around.

And it is a real struggle.

You're an angel kimmy...I do know that...as my mom was an angel for me for my son. She took such good care of my son when I needed her to as you take such wonderful care of your lil one. You're awesome

((((your family))))

[kimmydawn]

bless your heart (((((((((( eva )))))))))))) how wonderful that you did what you needed to for yourself and son, and how wonderful your momma was there and stepped up.

that would be the amazing goal here, that they would be stable enuf to raise him. i don't see that, but it would be awesome!

best to you and bravo!

kd

Hi Kimmydawn,

I'm fairly new , but I have noticed how compassionate you are with others here- so it doesn't surprise me how caring you are with your family. Little man is so lucky to have someone like you " at bat " for him.
You have got it so together when it comes to little man- gee, I honestly don't think I would be able to accomplish all you're doing.

Wish you well and hope things turn out good for you and little man.

Mandy

[kimmydawn]

((((((((((((((( mandy )))))))))))))))) thank you so much!

it was a hard road! let me tell ya i appreciate so much your kind words and support. it means alot to me.

I'm really glad your T is aware and involved to help with future decisions. I agree that pot is not in general a big deal and believe it should be as legal as alcohol. But, like alcohol, it can make you sleep more soundly for periods of time. No one who is taking care of children should be drinking or smoking pot beyond the point of relaxation. You need to be able to hear with that 3rd ear while you sleep, you know!

And certainly no one with a drug history should be smoking pot at all. It WILL lead to relapse. ...well, imo. Its like JUST drinking beer. They need to grow up face the music. These folks have addiction problems. That means they can't have ANY alcohol or drugs.

What a stinky situation for your family and your little man. He is very lucky to have you in his life.

emmy

[kimmydawn]

well said and thank you (((((((((((((((((((( emily ))))))))))))))))))))))))

that's the major reason that i think it's too soon to have any drastic increase in time with them. the brother was drug free for 5 mos and now he's just gonna smoke some pot from time to time? get real i told him. neither one of them have been stable long enough to take him for more than several hours at a time...ocassionally overnights with me or mom "watching".

the brother has serious illness, t's a trying to figure out exactly what. another thing that bothers me is now he's mixing self medication type drugs with psych drugs. he's on wellbutrin, remeron and risperdal...now mixing pot into the equasion. how long before is an occasional xanie (unprescribed) or 4?

this is my concern. in fact, if they start taking him more than occasionally, i will probably go and request temp. custody and ask from drug tests. i HATE to do that, but bottom line...i'm talking for an innocent who doesn't have a voice to say these things.

thank you again,

kd

Additionally...ammo for you...kids learn best by modeling, as you know.

When parents have a bad day at work, and come home and have a few drinks to ease the pain - that what they teach their kids. "How do you handle life's difficulties?" DRINK!!! Yippee!!

Once you have kids, it has to all change. Especially in those early years when they are all eyes gobbling up everything they see. If you have a bad day, talk it out, get some hugs, take a walk, play a game with your kids. I'll bet that will feel 100 times better than a six pack.

Emmy (raised by a man who drank Manhatten's and couldn't spell the word hug!)

[kimmydawn]

emily, i too was raised by an alcoholic i'm sorry you were as well. good points to all of your posts, and i appreciate them so much. i appreciate the understanding and support.

you are so right. you've helped me to add another thing on my list that needs to be considered. thank you for that.

kd

[wanttoheal]

(((((((((((((((((((((((Kimmy)))))))))))))))))))))))
I'm sorry you are struggling with this right now. I wish you only the best in your decisions. I'm sorry I don't have any words of wisdom but please know I care and I hope everything works out for you all. You are special

[kimmydawn]

(((((((((((((((((((( wantto )))))))))))))))))))))

thank you. that means the world to me. you're such a good mom too. if you lived close to me, i'd trust you with him more than anyone, i'm sure.

love,

Kimmy, this has got to be tough. First of all I want you to know that you have my undying support in this. While I have no real experience with children with the exception of my younger bro and sis, I have plenty of experience with drugs as you well know. And being a recovering addict, I feel that I MIGHT have something to offer here... I hope. Hittin the weed is by no means drug free and I've yet to see a recovering addict smoke weed without it leading to other drugs. That's without all the rx's your bro has. Throw those in the mix and it's a major relapse waiting to happen. If you ask me, this should most definately go to child services. You said that your t is involved. Is he aware that your bro is planning to continue the weed use? If you ask me, it's a disaster in the making. I've spent many years around drug use... both mine and my dad's. It wrecked his life. I despise the fact that you and little man have to go through this with all of my being. You're definately on the right track with this. You have such a good head on your shoulders and you always seem to do and say the right thing. Little man is so very lucky to have you in his life. I'm sorry if I came on strong there. You know that I meant no offense. You and yours are in my thoughts and prayers. Take care princess.

Ry

[wanttoheal]

Thank you kimmy for saying that. I wish we lived closer too! I wish so many things, one being that I could help you with little man especially.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((kimmy)))))))))))))))