my decisions.....

ok so i no longer take zoloft, it is wellbutrin now. i still get kinda depressed. but here is my issue: i have changed my after high school plans NUMEROUS times. i have declared my attendance at three seperate schools this past year. while this may seem normal, it gets weirder. i am nto sure why but when i make these plans it doesnt really matter to me b/c i feel as if these plans will never happen n/e way. like to me, i make up just n/e plan b/c it wont happen kinda like i wont be around or something. i am confused by this. the only things i follow through w/ r cutting. although i have not done it since i got out of the hospital. i dont wanna get sent back! any help??????? please!

plans are good. Keep looking towards the future. I know its frustrating when we do not accomplish our plans.

Maybe you can pick a short-term plan that you know you can accomplish. -- like having lunch with friends once a month for the next 3 months. Something that will be good for ya and can be accomplished easily.

You are a succeeder in life.. Don't doubt that, Hallie.. I believe in ya
ev

Try counselling? Sometimes they can help put you back on the right path.

i have been in counseling and i am not sure if i should share this. i just have a bad feeling about my T knowing.
thanks for the replies

Halliebeth, that is exactly the kind of thing that your T needs to know so that you can be helped. It isn't by itself a reason to put you back in the hospital, but it is serious. Even if you aren't going to end your life within those time-frames where you don't expect yourself to follow through, that expectation is going to keep you from accomplishing the things that you can achieve in your life, that would help you to find meaning in your existance. Talk to T about it, ok? I'm glad you mentioned it here. I think it is very important.

why is it so serious? i know it is not entirely normal but i do not understand its importace.

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i am nto sure why but when i make these plans it doesnt really matter to me b/c i feel as if these plans will never happen n/e way. like to me, i make up just n/e plan b/c it wont happen kinda like i wont be around or something. i am confused by this. the only things i follow through w/ r cutting.

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Hallie, if you don't expect that you will be able to achieve things or follow through with your plans, then you will continue to be limited by your conception of yourself as someone who will not get anywhere in life. I can understand feeling like it is unreal to count on anything past high school. That is such a huge change in your life - a whole new level of independence. It can be scary. And it's just plain something you haven't done before. So a little bit of not believing you will really be away at college somewhere in a few months is normal. The problem is when you can't see yourself achieving anything so you sabotage yourself of you don't try or you give up before you get there, or don't even make the plans in the first place. Believing that it won't happen anyway too easily becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, and you have so much more potential than you are able to see.

I spent 12 years or so believing I couldn't do anything. I didn't try. I just gave up. The limits were overwhelming and I couldn't see that I put them on myself or that I didn't have to let them dictate my life. I would hate to see you do that.

as it turns out, me best friend and i are no longer friends. we hardly spoke at graduation last night to at project graduation. she called today asking what my problem is but i am only upset b/c of how SHE has been acting. she has a rather high financial status, whereas i don't. she takes EVERYTHING for granted b/c she doesn't work for anything!!!!!!!! and she doesnt understand why I AM UPSET! she didnt work at all in her classes in school, she didnt have to b/c she already knows she is going to college. mommy and daddy are going to pay for it so it doesnt matter if she tries in hs! i on the other hand have worked so hard at school so i can get grants and scholarships b/c i dont have the money to go. i wasnt a big deal to me that i graduted last night with high academic honors b/c i knew i'd earned it. lin-z though didnt even have a 3.0 gpa, she didnt work for that. i helped her so much of her work, its ridiculous.

sorry she called earlier asking what my problem is. i hung up but i am still pissed. i am thinking about but avoiding si. aaaaaaarrrrrrrgggggghhhh! i dont care if i NEVER see her again. all she does is take take take and think about herself.

i just needed to vent!