decisions...decisions....

I hesitate in posting this but well I should be comfortable by now posting here

I think it's time for a diversion for me. I know it is a result of what has been going on lately and it won't help in the long term. As T would say, there are consequences.

But being in this marriage with the state that it is in is too much. It would be nice to finally have some positive attention, wouldn't it?

I am talking to someone and we're interested in each other. I wonder if anyone here feels like this. I just feel like needing someone other than T emotionally. Can't I just transfer this need for my T to someone else??

Eeeek. You want us to make the decisions?

Rhetorical questions...I'm just thinking out loud...

If you're thinking of having an affair, it sounds like potential for a big life mess.

almedafan, are you talking about confiding in a friend? I think we all need support in our lives and it is good to reach out to friends and family. We can't expect the therapist to be our sole support. If this is what you mean, I think it is great you want to reach out to your network for support. When I was seeing a CBT therapist, it was one of the first things she wanted me to do--build up my support resources. I remember her saying, "I can't do it all."

I hesitate to say this because I don't want to make assumptions, but could it be what you mean is you would like to have an affair with someone? If so, I would offer the view that that will not solve anything. You have mentioned before there is stress in your marriage, and it seems the honest and honorable thing to do is resolve that first before taking on new partners. For example, at least get separated first. If all you are wanting the partner for is support, then does it need to be an affair? Instead, could you cultivate friendships that can offer you the support you need?

Also, think of your son. It sends a powerful message to a child to know one parent betrayed the other. And at some point in his life, he will find out. To the child, it can feel like one parent has betrayed the family.

I am sorry if this is way off base. Your use of the word "diversion" suggested to me that maybe you meant you wanted to have an affair.

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But being in this marriage with the state that it is in is too much

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">How about a trial separation?

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sunrise said:
almedafan, are you talking about confiding in a friend? I think we all need support in our lives and it is good to reach out to friends and family.

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Yes having some support would be nice. He's a friend and all we are doing at this point is talking.

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sunrise said:
We can't expect the therapist to be our sole support.

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This is how I feel. I shouldn't be calling him between sessions like last week. He's too busy for that and let's face it, he can't be the friend I want and he shouldn't be...

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sunrise said:
I hesitate to say this because I don't want to make assumptions, but could it be what you mean is you would like to have an affair with someone?

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maybe? I don't know this is one of my triggers. Others here have their triggers and mine is love and attention related. I want to find the right person for me and be loved and happy.

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sunrise said:
If so, I would offer the view that that will not solve anything. You have mentioned before there is stress in your marriage, and it seems the honest and honorable thing to do is resolve that first before taking on new partners.

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Can't disagree with any of the above.

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sunrise said:
For example, at least get separated first. If all you are wanting the partner for is support, then does it need to be an affair? Instead, could you cultivate friendships that can offer you the support you need?

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A much better idea. I do have one close girlfriend and she's out of town right now until the 11th.

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sunrise said:
Also, think of your son. It sends a powerful message to a child to know one parent betrayed the other. And at some point in his life, he will find out. To the child, it can feel like one parent has betrayed the family.

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That is the only thing stopping me from going further is my son. I should clarify that if the marriage does end, I never intend to bring anyone around my son. I can date in private.

He has a father and I don't need someone else telling me what's wrong with me and lie to me. I've been through this enough.

My son won't be seeing his mother do anything...ever.

I'm glad you posted Sunny, I'm re-thinking...I have a session tomorrow and will talk to T about this. He won't be shocked. He and I have discussed when I find the right person for me...I hope this doesn't disappoint him that I've been thinking this way.

I'll find out tomorrow I guess

my guess is that your looking for a quick fix for a deeper problem in your life. Don't give up on doing the hard work b/c I think it will get you what you truely want - peace and happiness.

Here's an alternate view...

My pdoc (not my therapist!) actually SUGGESTED that I have an affair! Really!!

He said, "If a nice man asks you to lunch, go."

What?!?!?

I asked for clarification. Yes, he meant have a torrid love affair! He said I was stuck in my depression and PTSD. He said I always played by the rules, had great insight into my problems, and yet my hopeless feelings remained unchanged. The only way to shift, he thought, was to do something incredibly out of character and just for me.

I laughed and asked if he kept a referral sheet of available men.

Anyway, as absurd as it first sounded, I later thought that in terms of my goody-two-shoes-but-still-a-bunch-of-misery-coming-my-way pattern, there was a grain of truth to this radical advice . . .

Just wanted to contribute that there is a least one professional who would say there is a therapeutic reason to consider it.

Caramee, I wish T would say 'yeah go ahead' 'you've got my blessing'...it would take me about 10 minutes to sure that up. LOL