[GraceD]

I just had a friend I have known for many years (about 18) visit me for her birthday. I took her out to dinner at a local restaurant. She was just supposed to stay for one day, but clearly was not ready to leave so I extended her stay.

I really did not mind extending her stay for a day or two, I thought. But as time went on I changed my mind. Although I have know her for many years, our contacts have been brief. We have had mostly telephone contact over the years because of the distance. The recent visit showed me how little I know her.

Over the course of her visit, she acted selfish, knowing I am not working, being miserly, not respecting my boundaries and taking advantage of my kindness. It seems like she is in a needy place and wants to grab hold of me, when I am trying to detach from such situations. I need to learn to take care of myself for a change.

I felt very uncomfortable for most of the visit. I do not know if she changed or I changed. She made me feel during the visit like I was responsible for her, which I hate. It is one of my issues, being raised by my mom to be her caretaker. As a result, I am naturally a nurturer and sometimes people gravitate towards me for that reason.

I wrote her a nice letter explaining right now I need space because I need to reevaluate things. I let her know I appreciated our friendship through the years as well. Her response to my need for space was to call and call. I did not respond because I do not know how to confront her without hurting her feelings.

I am having detachment issues. Over the last year or so I have been detaching from people that felt unsafe. And fortunately for me, subsequently, I have made new friends that feel safer. They give me personal space, are supportive yet not intrusive. They are not perfect, but neither am I.

This old friends represents to me contacts I made when I was not safe or healthy myself. We have talked much about recovery, but I suspect she talks the talk but does not walk the walk. I felt during our last visit she was testing my boundaries and planing to use me. I feel angry and dissappointed.

How do you tell someone you thought you knew them but now that you know them you do not want to know them?

GraceD

[JulieBean]

I think that was a healthy thing to do to write her that letter. I don't know if i would suggest writing her this second letter or telling her however you intend to about her not being who you thought she was.... though i suppose she should be made aware. If you do decide to tell her/write her, etc, i would make sure to be as non-confrontational as possible... you don't want her going on the defensive... or offensive for that matter... i would explain to her how you feel about her response to your first letter, and how you feel about yourself regarding your giving nature... though im sure you would know what you want to address... I wish you well.
~Julie

"Sometimes it takes us to the bottom of our misery to understand the truth..."
~Gustav Havel - existentialist

[Peanut61]

Hi Grace: I think you handles things with your friend just perfectly. Really! It seems that you have done a lot of boundary work, and that you have really progressed a lot from the person that your friend once knew. I never wanted/want to admit this, but for every caretaker, (which I've always been as well), there is a 'taker', but we are the ones that are responsible for maintaining our own healthy boundaries with others, and you are doing that! YAY for you!! I don't think you owe her any further explanationl. Believe me, you are not going to be able to 'teach' her anything by doing so, and it's not your responsibility to do so. Following the course that you are on is the best way to teach anyone, i.e., by your example. She WILL eventually stop calling. I know this is a tough situ. - hang in there, OK? You're doing great! Best regards.

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT :-)</font color=blue>

[GraceD]

Thank you JulieBean and Peanut,

I really needed to bounce this issue off on someone. Right now I am trying to figure out what I want in my social life. It is difficult because I have not really given much thoughts to my needs. This is a new experience for me. I usually consider the feelings of others, even at the expense of my own.

Recently, I realized that if I allow people to engage in selfish or unsafe behaviors around me I am hurting two people -- myself and them. Because allowing people to take advantage is to encourage unhealthy behaviors. I think that it is not good to encourage people to do wrong. The offender may not understand it now, if ever, but at least I am not aiding and abetting in dysfunctional behavior.

Oh, I just want to get on with my life before I get too old to enjoy it...

GraceD

[Zenobia]

Grace,
I am so glad that you did have this visit from your friend. Reading your letter was inspirational. Half way through you wonder if she had changed or you had changed. As I continued reading, your words just about shouted out how much you have changed for the good of your self in the years since you were close to this friend. I know that what you are going through is difficult, it is never easy to tell someone one you are not interested in maintaining a relationship. I would suggest that if you do write another letter just focus on how you have changed and how you don't fit in her life anymore. That makes it all your fault in a way and make it easier for her not to feel like she has to fix anything. Does that make sense? I read it in a book somewhere.
Carrie
...or maybe it was Dear Abby

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson

[GraceD]

Thank you for responding. I think I need to write that second letter, but, I do not feel ready to do so yet. This is difficult and I really detest confrontation, particularly when dealing with detachment. I do know, however, that in this instance, detachment is the proper thing to do. Ughhhhhhh....

The good thing about changing is that I understand so much better why I made bad choices, was attracted to unsafe unavailable people. But, now I feel good knowing that my recovery is worth working on, boundaries are worth setting and that I deserve love, respect and regard.

GraceD

[Zenobia]

{{{{{{{Grace}}}}}}}} Another good thing about changing is knowing when it is a good time for YOU to write letters and such.
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson