[Martina]

We've been in marriage counseling with the same therapist I go to for individual therapy.

Basically, our marriage is 100% perfect....except for the sex life. There is no sex life. We often go 6, maybe 9 months with NO sexual contact whatsoever. And very little affection at all - kissing, hugging, etc.

So, since starting therapy, of course it's on our mind. So we're making an effort to show more affection, more hugs, more kisses, and we finally had sex once after a 6 month dry spell.

But in therapy, we're not really addressing WHY there is no sex. Sure, she can give us a homework assignment to go home and have some sex, but how does that fix the past 7 years of dry spells? How do we figure out the CAUSE, so we can FIX it for GOOD??

We've been together almost 9 years total, married for 4. The first 2 years we were together, the sex was amazing, all the time, that's all we really did when we saw each other. We were dating long-distance, only saw each other on the weekends, but every single time we saw each other there was sex. Then I moved away and we didn't see each other for about 6 months, but then I moved back home and we moved in together. And the sex was all downhill from there.

I've gone through a million reasons why. Maybe it's my weight. Maybe he's gay. Maybe he's asexual. Maybe there is some physical problem (although his testosterone has been checked, and it was normal). Maybe he's just plain not attracted to me in that way anymore, but he still loves me enough to stay together. I don't know.

I really want to know the reason WHY. But we're not addressing that in therapy.

Why not?

And the thing is, I've mentioned several times in therapy that "I just want to know why." But she ignores me.

Anyone know why she wouldn't even want to address the reasons?

[sunrise]

Does your husband want to address the reasons?

Does your husband want to have sex with other women, or is it just you? I guess what I'm asking, is does he have very low libido in general or do you think it is specific to you (some resentment/anger thing? your weight? etc.)?

I think when women gain weight, it can be a turn off to men. With someone you really care about, it can be hard to say to them that you want them to lose weight, that you don't find them desirable because of that, etc. They don't want to hurt your feelings. Have you asked your H directly about the weight issue? Maybe you could do that in the safety of therapy, since it could be a hard thing to raise.

All those millions of reasons why that you've thought of--have you run them by your H and he says "no, that's not it" to every one? Does he have his own list of reasons?

What are you doing in therapy? Is it possible for you and your husband to ask your therapist why she doesn't want to address the reasons?

[Quorrah]

Hi. I have a bf that I've been w/for awhile. I'm figuring, w/mine, it's low libido, age, and some anger. We had good sex ONCE. After we got back together (we were apart for 2 months).

It may be nothing to do w/you.

If this is your personal therapist, can you ask during your personal time or is it a no-no to address the couple sessions in your private session?

I used to blame myself. Now, I just do for myself what I need (not to be offensive). I love my bf but I don't know if I can do this forever...?

[Martina]

I think it might be my weight but he's too polite to admit it. Yes, I've asked him several times if my weight bothers him, or if he would be more attracted to me if I lose the weight, but he always says no. But I wonder if he's just scared to be honest.

I think it might just be low libido - but how do we KNOW that?

I know he looks at porn occasionally, but not very often and not very much. It's all straight porn, so he's probably not gay, and the mere fact that he looks at porn means he's probably not asexual.

I just don't know.

I have an individual appointment on Thurdsay, maybe I'll try to be more firm about what I'm looking for, and at least get her to tell me why we shouldn't address it yet.

[NuckingFutz]

yes, you need to hold your therapist's feet to the flames, but you also have to be ready for the answer. I am overweight but accept it, prefer it actually...if i could clone myself, i would ask me out! Keep us in the loop, let us know how it goes.

[Rmdctc]

I would say (like others have said) that you need to address this with the therapist and tell her you want to be open and honest. I would also try to talk to your husband at home in private and tell him that you need answers because this is really bothering you. I think he might need to know that whatever he says wont make you angry and that you really just want to work on it and make it better. I hope this all works out for you!

[Slothrop]

I agree that the "why" is important. Frankly, if your therapist is ignoring this question, I think you should try another therapist, at least for the couples sessions.

My individual therapist said she would rather not provide couples therapy for my wife and I. She felt it would not be fair to my wife when my therapist knows me pretty well and does not know my wife at all. I think she was right.

Sometimes classic depressive symptoms--negative attitude, laziness, grouchiness, indifference, not taking good care of oneself--are a big turn-off. My wife and I both exhibit these things and I don't think it is helping the sexual relationship.

Is he getting a clean bill of health from his physician?

[RomanSunburn]

Hey,
I'm really sorry you're going through this right now. I'm sure it is VERY diffcult.

I'm probalby not very qualified to offer advice on this subject -- but, I thought I'd offer my two cents from a different perspective than the others...

I've been with my boyfriend for over three years. We broke up for 6 months in the middle. But for the majority of the time we've been dating we were long distance (went to seperate colleges). What I've noticed is that when we are apart for long periods of time and then suddenly together for only a little while, we have built up being with each other so much we can't wait to have the other in bed! Now, over summer breaks, we relax A LOT. We've subconsciously realized that we can now have the other whenever we want, so we dont feel pressured.

So, what I'm trying to say is that there is a big chance that him not being intimate with you actually has nothing to do with you. He could still believe that you are the most gorgeous thing in the world and that he's very happy and very lucky to have you. And I'm sure he is still very much in love with you. The spark (and pressure) has just gone away.

What I try to tell myself every day when dealing with my issues (which I know are not the same as yours) is to forget about the past and to think about the present and the future. While the WHY is important, your husband may not have a tangible, solid answer. Try to move beyond this and think only about the progress you are making.

I hope this didn't offend you or anything and that I was able to help at least a little.

Best wishes
,
Ro

hi martina. i read your other thread as well and it seems the only answer he ever gave you in the past, that you posted, was that he was tired. have you asked him since then why he doesn't want sex? are you afraid to ask him flat out rather than trying to ask if he's gay or it's your weight or coming up with some other reason? if it's too hard to just flat out ask him then i would think addressing it in a session with your t would make sense. has your t had individual sessions with him where he may have explained to her why and she doesn't feel it's the right time to address this jointly? i think asking her why she won't address it is a good idea. hope you get it all figured out and things improve. one other thought, do you think your husband is depressed?