What kind of reasoning?

This thread is going to be a rather bizarre one....as alot pertaining is past tense as far as resolving most of it.
As I was (amazingly) discussing this with hubs, (yeah..actually "discussing"...wonders never cease), I thought this may be a rather interesting inquiry.

Quick rundown:
Hubs and I are at our end. Getting divorced, but due to financial reasons (at present), I haven't left...just yet.

He was never really attached to "me", (I was more a void filler after his wife collapsed and died unexpectedly 15 years ago. She was only 35).
I devoted myself to "his" world. He and his kids were so completely devistated by the loss of wife/mother, and being a family friend, and single with no exact set direction of own at that time, I saw no harm in helping.

At first, I became involved as care taker of his kids, (live-in nanny, of sorts). A romance resulted between him and me months later. We married 2 years following. Had a daughter of our own.
I raised his kids. They became of age, moved out. I'm presently raising our daughter (she's 13).
Relationship was doomed for enevitable disaster..I just didn't really see it then....loved him, and wanted it to work. Did what I could do for years to carry it all TO make it work. Eventually, it sucked me completely dry to the point that I lost self. Gave up. Became lost.
Became emotionally detached. Still am. I moved out of bedroom and into own many years ago.
Got to the point that I could no longer live like this, (for self and for dot). Decide to leave. Begin to make preparations, (have been for a while now). Unfortunately, finances are making it so damn difficult for this to succeed, although it's not stopping me....just making process slower.

Because of the fact that I've become so emotionally detached, it also includes any and all physical connections whatsoever. And, of course this was his biggest complaint...(heaven forbid that he's concerned as to WHY this has ended up as it has...no no..). Regardless, a man does have needs, and I completely understand that.
So, I tell him to "do what he has to do to attend to his needs"...as I honestly could no longer care any less what he did do.
Eventually, he begins to seek companionship elsewhere. I was absolutely fine with that. Understand it completely...in fact, supported it. He's been involved with his "gf" for a few months now.

It wasn't until just recently that he has begun to show absolute interest in putting all his efforts into "us" again....Uhmmmmm....What?

He's trying to tell me now that, he is not in love with this woman, (not that it would effect me in the least if he was). He tells me that she's madly in love with him and is suffering due to playing second to me.
I ask him, how can she be playing second to none?, (and of course, I have to explain to him what that means). Again, I explain to him that he and I have been done for sometime and I'm only still here due to the financial issues, which he is aware of.
He is telling me that he's in love with me, (oh, yay), and wants US to work. And that he'd do anything he could to do just that....lol...Right!!
(Sorry, hubs....been there, done that, and heard that too many times now to even mean diddly to me anymore).
I tell him...If she means nothing to you, then why are you doing this to her?...(using her?). He tells me he's been upfront with her from the start...that IF I were ever to emotionally return to him then he would drop her like a bad habit. (Shame on him). I tell him that while he was honest enough with her about his situation, he is still being unfair to her.
I realize that, while she has decided to involve herself with this man who has made it clear to her that she is only (yet another void filler), I feel she does not deserve this.
I suggest to him that he is being selfish. (Gee! ....do ya think?)

(It's a good thing that I've reached the detached phase long ago. I just might find self heart broken all over again. I did love this man dearly. Although he has some deeply burried issues which developed long before me, I still saw the good in this man. Unfortunately, he could not cast his sight on that same view...and I became exhausted by trying to show him....Can ONLY lead the horse to that water....(in this case, maybe a Jackass though?).

Emotional and verbal abuse (or any abuse, for that matter) is inexcusable. Years of enduring that has left such emotional scars on me that, unfortunately, now that he's ready to try to work at it, it's far too late.
Sad as that is.

Ok...now the inquiry bout reasoning....

How does this man think?...I mean....What is he doing here? He knows we are done, yet plays this woman. All the while telling me that we will "bounce back" and work out. Yet, I tell him....Sorry, you've gone so far as to be unfaithful, (which ..I really do understand), but the fact that he had, and couldn't wait for the divorce to go through, then that fact alone has sealed his fate with me, (even if there was hope....he killed any chance of that now).
He does not share my viewpoint.....(Oh! What a surprise that is!!).

Anyhow~ I'm just curious what y'all think bout this.

Thanks...

Shangrala

It sounds like he's taken you for granted for years, now that you're an unknown quantity the chase is on. For some people they don't want you until you're unavailable.

I think that he might be insecure. I guess he hasn't figured it out that you have moved on and he hasn't. Personally if he was abusing you then you do not deserve that at all. AAAAA has got a good point to.

hi shangrala. so sorry to hear about your marriage situation. i hear so many times of wives that having been trying for years to fix marital problems and the husbands are quite unresponsive, and then when they finally decide to leave or divorce, the guy finally wakes up and then wants to work things out. usually, the wife, like you, doesn't seem to have any more left in her to work on the marriage after trying for so many years. i don't know why this happens but it seems somewhat common. i wonder if it's that many guys respond better to (drastic?) action than words or what? i've never been married so i'm just guessing here and feel free to take it all with a big heap of salt. your husband has probably also realized how great you are by being with someone else. he's probably been comparing her to you and seeing where your strengths are and is now realizing what he will be losing. i do think it would be wise to think about how you got into this marriage i.e. by caretaking and how it seems you may be doing the same thing with the younger guy you've mentioned.

take care.

Quite Impressive!!
Never being married and take notice to such a detail.
I suppose that goes to prove how seeing the forest for the trees truly is obtained from a distance.
You've brought up a highly important fact here, one that I have evaluated about myself with dedicated attendance.
And, yes..I've most certainly have asked myself that very question, among many others.
I've had a couple years to inspect just about every influence, reason, aspect, intention, cause and purpose that has any possible involvement in that very situation.
I have tried my best to be as honest with myself as I possibly could with the answers. Not an easy task, as we all have a tendancy to sugarcoat our own weaknesses, (if you will), by applying a bit of highlighted improvements to them...to make them a lil bit more appealing, I suppose.

The fact is, that there is truth in the point you have made. I wouldn't be completely honest if I said there wasn't. With that, I have asked self, to what extent is that truth applied here?
It is also that of my nature to be the caregiver ..certainly that is applied to this situation. I wouldn't be me if it weren't.
I have to merge that trait of mine into what already exists, and do the best that I possibly can with it. I certainly am not going to talk myself out of what we have because of that one single trait of mine....regardless of the level of its dominance.
Also, that very trait can be a great influence on what makes or breaks a relationship, depending on who's involved. With hubs, he was a "rescue" scenario. With Kristian, he is not in need of rescue. He is already established for himself, for the most part, just in longing for companionship, which he has found in me.

But then, when I think of it....Don't we all seek a sense to fill a need at one level or another? So long as that need is being met and it provides a fairly equal balance? Isn't that what should matter?

With loneliness comes a sense of void, which drives us to seek something to fulfill it, such as with companionship. Isn't that drive, then, an natural tool of ours to assist us in obtaining that which is of our inner need?
Am I even making sense anymore??...lol.
As Ive said....sometimes I look so far into something, that I lose my own meaning....(sorry if I've confused anyone).

Thanks for your observative insight, Ref. I really appreciate it.

Take care~

Shangrala