[starsx24]

I've dated my boyfriend for almost 17 months now, and I love him to death. He means a lot to me, and I would devastated if I ever lost him, but then again, I feel like I have lost him. He's 19 and out of school while I'm going to be a junior in highschool. In the beginning of the relationship he was so sweet. He would leave me cute messages to wake up to, or call me early in the morning to say "I love you." and he would say he hoped I had a good day, ect. He would have all kinds of cute things to say to me. He never yelled or started a fight or anything. He actually did anything to avoid one.

For the past few months of our relationship, he's changed, a lot. He doesn't go out of his way to do anything for me anymore, while I do a lot for him. Half of the time when I ask him to open up to me, he's like, "I don't know what to say..?" I just don't understand how he can't think of a single thing to say to me to open up, like he used to. If I get mad, he hangs up will not talk to me for a long time. He used to run after me if I got mad. Whenever we fight, he is constantly saying sorry, and then he'll go right back to doing whatever made me mad in the first place. He says I'm controlling and I don't let him have a life because I don't want him hanging out with this guy who has a drinking and a drug problem.

He'll scream at me, call me names, telling me he hopes I die, ect. He'll say anything to me no matter how harsh it sounds. And then later once I'm crying he'll say he didn't mean it, he loves me, and that I just really make him angry sometimes. And it feels like the only time he apologizes to me is after I'm crying. That's when he stops being rude and starts being caring. If I'm not crying, he'll keep going on and on and on. He's never actually hit me, but occasionally he'll break something when he gets mad. He's already made scenes in front of his own family because he got angry with something I did. If I go out with friends, he'll start getting cocky and being rude. If I talk to a guy, he starts calling him my second boyfriend, and he'll get angry.

If I don't answer my phone right away, he'll call repeatedly. The one day, I was out with a friend and I didn't answer my phone when he called. And he called repeatedly. By the time I checked my phone, I had 80 missed calls, 5 texts, and 2 voicemails. Often he'll go out, tell me he'll be home later, and then he'll stay out all night. Every time though he'll have an excuse as to why I didn't hear from him. Yet, if I do that, I hear about it for the entire next month. He says everything is my fault because there was one time where I did lie to him, but that was over a year ago and I've apologized for it countless times. He says if I wouldn't have done what I did, we would've never started fighting.

He's 19 years old, he still lives at home with his dad. He never finished high school and didn't even get his GED. He had a job but got fired. He doesn't even have a liscence. He keeps constantly telling me, that he's going to go for his liscence soon and that after he gets it, he'll go look for a job, and then go for his GED, and then go back to a trade school so he can work with cars as his future job. But he has yet to do any of that and whenever I bring it up, he snaps and starts screaming at me.

He always has something negative to say about everything I do. Whatever tv show I'm watching, he'll say something along the lines of "That show is retarded. It's nothing but drama.", or if I hang out with a certain friend, "She's fat. She's a bad influence. She's nothing but drama." ect.

Now, I have a job and I have my drivers permit, I'm going for my liscence in a few months. He's trying to talk me out of getting my liscence because he thinks I should wait until I'm 18 to drive. He says I'm too young to drive and I'll cause an accident. Whenever I get paid and I tell him, he'll immediately respond with, "So how much money have you already wasted?" And so on and so forth. I'm so sick of being treated this way.

But he acts abusive, obsessive, controlling, and every time I try to leave he'll threaten to move far away, or sometimes he'll threaten to tell my parents anything that I've done behind their backs. Yet he claims that he'll only do that if I ever cheat on him. He makes it extremely difficult to leave him. And often he'll say "It's over.", and then call back and be like "You know I didn't mean it baby, I love you, of course I don't want to lose you." And even though he puts me through all of it, I still care about him. Deeply. And I feel like I'm the one who's kept him out of trouble, and part of me feels like if I do ever leave him, he'll screw up his life more than it already is, and I don't want to see him end up like that.

Any advice? I'm so lost...

[Emotionally Dead]

Hi there stars...

Your situation reminds me very much of the situation my girlfriend and I were in before we broke up this last week. She was younger than me, and so our maturity levels were on two different planes. Although she was very mature, we acted different due to our age difference. However, we were so in love.. We would have very amazing times, but then we would have horrible times, like the fights you two went through...

Your boyfriend, I hate to say, reminds me of myself a bit. When I would get mad, I would say things to my ex that I shouldn't say. I would bring up the past sometimes, and would call her names as well. I always regretted it, and always apologized. She would stay with me, but unfortunately she was not as forgiving as you.. She couldn't handle it as much as some people would, and that was one of our downfalls. I could not help the fights. She would lash out at me, and I would lash out at her. Considering I am borderline bipolar and I also suffer from depression I couldn't help the things I said. I didn't mean them, and in all honesty I loved her more than anything, but I did lash out. It was difficult..

She was suffering from depression as well, and I believe also had symptoms of being bipolar. However, when she would say things I knew it was only because she was upset -- not because she meant them. With me she felt like I meant them I guess, and she wouldn't forgive me like I would forgive her. A few times she told me she wished I would die, and I didn't even think of it again. I didn't care that she said it, because I loved her and I knew she didn't mean it...

Now we are broken up, and I hate it. I hate myself for it, and I blame myself for everything. I feel like I ruined it. The only advice I can try to give you honey, is to try to not let the things he says hurt you too much. Don't take it to heart. Right now I believe he is insecure about himself. I think he feels like you are too good for him, and that you don't love him. That is probably where the jealousy stems from. I think that he needs some help, because people who get angry like that do need a bit of counseling. It may help him find the root of his anger and allow him to stop it. As for you, just try not to take it to heart. I don't think you deserve to be yelled at, but if there is no physical violence I would try to just brush off the things he says. Don't talk to him when he is mad like that, but you don't have to hate him for it. I don't think he does mean it, I think he is lashing out.

I know that relationships like this are hard, but true lovers find a way to come out of it. Also, everything in our lives happens for a reason. He may not be the one, but there is a reason you're with him right now. I wish you all the best because I know how this feels.. If you ever need someone to talk to, I am here. God Bless.

[amy83]

To me what you are going through really doesn't sound like something you should stick around for. I've been in abusive relationship that went from just yelling and lashing out and then him saying i love you i didnt mean it i'll never do it again. To him hitting me and choking me to make me stop yelling back, and it didn't get any better. I ended up pregnant with his child he hit me in the stomach when i said i was leaving. And now I have a nearly 6 year old son with a man that hasn't changed went to jail for hurting his wife, and her son. And i can't even be in the same room with him without shaking. I think you need to get out, especially before anything worse happens or you end up pregnant and then you have no way to be out completly.
And the stuff about him threating to tell your parents on you, He did that to me and he did tell my parents things that only he knew about me, and he tried to use it against me, to get them to like him. And they told him she's our daughter we will always love her no matter what.

I really think your parents may be upset with what you had done but will also be happy to know that you are safe if you break up with the guy.
Best of luck to you, if you need help you can talk to me

[starsx24]

It's hard though and I feel like I'm being blackmailed into staying with him. My parents would snap if they heard anything I've ever done behind their backs. Not that I'm a bad person or anything. I mean I have a job, I'm going to school, and I get good grades, but just like every teenager has his/her flaws, I have mine. And they wouldn't understand me even if I tried to talk to them. My parents & I don't get along at all. My dad went to jail when I was a child for abuse on me. He has since got out, and hasn't laid a finger on me since he had done jailtime, but he either acts like I don't exist or blames everything on me and screams at me. I don't understand why my mom took him back... Me and my mother somewhat get along, but very rarely. Whenever we fight she threatens to take my cell phone, computer, music, tv, or Matt away. She's even went so low as to go into my wallet and take money out that I earned, and then lie right to my face. And they have a terrible habit of believing everyone else over me. They don't believe a single word I say. If Matt told them the things I've done, they'd believe him and find that as one more reason they could make my life hell.

Most of the time I sit in my room and listening to music by myself, or I'm at work. But either way, I always isolate myself because I can't walk into one room without an argument getting started. I hate my life anymore... I feel so alone....

[Shangrala]

Hi Stars~

I've replied in your other thread, as well.

I have to say that although I understand what Emotionally Dead is meaning, and certainly is obviously stating from his painful lessons learned, (which I'm so sorry for yours resulting as it has for you, ED), I can't help but to disagree with that as it is in your case.

As I've said in my reply in your other thread, Matt IS a threat to you, and you need to get away from him.
Abuse in ANY form, regardless of the reasons, is not accepted nor should EVER be excused....PERIOD.

His behavior is that of the control freak.
He verbally abuses you without remorse, and doesn't let up until he actually sees the tears. Seems to me that is what his controlling behavior seeks...TO hurt you, and once you provide him that satisfaction, only then does he let up. Until the next time..then the next, and next. Again, it's a matter of how much you will be willing to tolerate until it stops completely.

Sorry. But as I've said in my other reply, Ive lived through those kinds so many times, that I see right through their behavior patterns and know the outcome of it. And the only way this will stop is when you have reached your breaking point. HE will not change it. He has no intentions to.
And it will not matter to him if you lose yourself in the process of trying to help him. YOU are not HIS concern. His behavior states that clearly.

You deserve better, and should NOT allow anything less than kindness.

If your parents are not a resource to rely on for support, then I strongly suggest that you find someone TO obtain support....as soon as you can. There is no reason why you should have to be struggling through this alone.

I hope the best for you. Stay in touch with us. We care.

Shangrala

[starsx24]

There's just one thing.. that I'm still not understanding..

I know he's controlling, and verbally abusive, but do you guys think he knows he's doing it? Not that I'm sticking up for him, because I'm not, but it just blows my mind that he could just be with me with every intention of hurting me... I would never have the heart to do that to him especially being with him for almost a year and a half. Is that just the kind of person he is? Does he even realize he's hurting me?

[starsx24]

I'm sorry for all the questions, but it seems lately I have a lot of them..

Why is it... that whenever I tell him it's over, he calls me bluff everytime and no matter how mad I can sound, he STILL knows I don't mean it...

Yet when he tells me it's over, I believe him and I get upset and emotional, and then a few hours later he'll call and tell me that he doesn't mean it and that he'll never really leave me.

How come I always believe he's telling the truth when he's leaving, yet when I do it... he never believes me?

[Pomegranate]

Much of the feelings you have concerning your boyfriend are because you were abused as a child by your father. Why your mother took him back is a very good question and you are a smart young lady. Your mom as many, though different, problems as your dad does.

Your boyfriend probably does not have any insight at all into his own behavior. For him to change he would need a lot of therapy, imo. He is being abusive to you, just as your dad was/is.

You finish school, keep your job, trust yourself, take care of yourself and get out of your parents home as soon as you can. You are a good kid in a bad situation with an unsupportive family. That's a real tough spot to be in. When ever you are able to, you should go into counseling to help yourself and get support. There's nothing wrong with YOU, it's the people around you that are sick.

[aria83]

Please get out of this relationship Stars. You are worth so much more than what this boy is making you feel. He does not love you - Telling someone they love them and then acting the way he does is not love. You don't need to ask those questions about him either. You are not a psychologist. Don't concern yourself with trying to find out why he does what he does, it will just prolong the negative situation you are in.

There are some good breakup books out there too. Maybe you could go to your local bookstore and check some out. Just leaf through them, and get some ideas on how to leave him for good and deal with the emotions you have with leaving and being apart from him. It will probably suck at first, as, breakups suck. But you will be glad you did it.

Take care of yourself, Stars. Be good to yourself. Do something that makes you happy.

[aria83]

Originally Posted by starsx24

It's hard though and I feel like I'm being blackmailed into staying with him. My parents would snap if they heard anything I've ever done behind their backs. Not that I'm a bad person or anything. I mean I have a job, I'm going to school, and I get good grades, but just like every teenager has his/her flaws, I have mine. And they wouldn't understand me even if I tried to talk to them. My parents & I don't get along at all. My dad went to jail when I was a child for abuse on me. He has since got out, and hasn't laid a finger on me since he had done jailtime, but he either acts like I don't exist or blames everything on me and screams at me. I don't understand why my mom took him back... Me and my mother somewhat get along, but very rarely. Whenever we fight she threatens to take my cell phone, computer, music, tv, or Matt away. She's even went so low as to go into my wallet and take money out that I earned, and then lie right to my face. And they have a terrible habit of believing everyone else over me. They don't believe a single word I say. If Matt told them the things I've done, they'd believe him and find that as one more reason they could make my life hell.

Most of the time I sit in my room and listening to music by myself, or I'm at work. But either way, I always isolate myself because I can't walk into one room without an argument getting started. I hate my life anymore... I feel so alone....

I just read this. Sorry I didn't read your whole thread thoroughly. Is there a way you can find someone, an adult (?), who can be on your side or advocate for you? Maybe your school counselor? It's really hard to be in your situation alone. Please keep us posted -

[beatriz]

Hey Stars!
It sounds like you are adicted to this guy, and as such you will have to deal with this kind of addiction, just as you would alcohol, drugs, etc.
If you dont want to talk to anybody about it, do some research on your computer, buy books, etc.
its a lot more complicated than this, but you can start doing something about it, and first of all you need to open up anddon be afraid to tell people that you are being abused by someone that supposed to love you, but of course thats part of the addiction to love, its letting someone walk all over you, break your spirit, crush your dignity, slashing your soul, breaking your heart, destroy your life, play with your feelings and spit on them...
That pretty much describes the addiction to love, it hurts to know but, sooner or later you will have to deal with it or just like any other addiction, it will simply destroy you and kill you, slowly but surely...
Hope you wake up soon!!!
Good luck!
Beatriz