I'm Going to Feel Stupid for This

Alright, I'm in a relationship with this girl. I've been with her for almost eight months now. At the start I really liked her a lot. She seemed perfect to me. Obviously that's how everyone feels at the start of a relationship. Anyway, lately I've been learning a lot of new things about her. And for some reason I can't accept them no matter how hard I try. When it comes to porn and stuff I get really disgusted. That's what I feel stupid for. When she was twelve years old she would look at porn a lot. Her mom found out but did nothing about it. All she did was go and call and tell some people. Like it's something funny. I hate her mom for how she is, letting my girlfriend watch porn and read dirty romance novels at such a young age.
Anyway, I can't seem to accept it, no matter how hard I try. I can't even talk to her like I used to. I really want to, I want to accept it, but I can't! And it hurts me, it makes me feel horrible! Because I'm with this girl who loves me so much but I can't even return it suddenly over such stupid things!
I don't know how to change this. I really need help. Because it's effecting me so negatively. I'm already bad enough as it is but the more I learn about her the worse I feel. She knows I'm upset, she just doesn't know what about, or that it's even about her. Then she gets angry because she can't make me happier. So she starts yelling at me till she gets sick of talking to me and leaves.

I feel like I may as well put my other stuff in here so I'm not posting all over the place. My other problem is my friends. I lack them actually. I lack a life. I can't get a job. My brother won't help me with college stuff so I can get started with that. So all I really do is sit at home and stare at my laptop. Talk to my girlfriend, but she leaves and does stuff a lot. When people actually do talk to me I don't want to burden them with my problems to I just act happy or refuse to tell them anything if it's impossible for me to act happy. If someone actually wants to hang out it's only because they feel bad for ignoring me for months. So they just kind of sit around and do things like texting other people and leave me to sit there completely bored and ignored. Since I have no social interaction I try to occupy myself with hobbies. I used to draw, all my life I would draw, so I always thought that would save me, but I've been unable to draw as I get more and more depressed. I eventually moved on to trying to teach myself guitar. That worked for a little while, but I started to lose my determination. So I started collecting robots, I guess hoping robots could replace people for me. But really they just aren't realistic enough for that. So in the end all I've done is waste a lot of money. So recently I've started giving up, on everything. I'm just sitting around now and rotting away, and I'm only eighteen years old.

I thought I could help myself and deal with my problems on my own. But it's been months and months, and I just can't bare it any longer. That's why I joined this place. I can't tell anyone that I know. I want to tell my mom. Let her know that I've been depressed for so long, but she is the type that looks down on people who get depressed and stuff. She would be so disappointed and angry at me. I also wish I could tell her about my girlfriend but she would be so angry about that too. I feel like if my family knew who I was I would be such a huge disappointment to them. So I really have no one to go to but this site. I really hope it can help me, and I'm sorry if this is a lot of stuff and if it's confusing. I'm confused myself so it's hard to make things organized and everything.

I'm sorry that your in so much pain. I would tell your girl friend in a non combative way that you don't like the porn. There are a lot of people who do not want their significant others to watch porn. I think maybe you might need to go see a Dr. or a therapist to get help with your depression. Some people don't understand about mental illness. Why I have no idea. I suffer from panic disorder, and there a lot of people who tell me it's all in my head, but it's not. I take meds for it. Keep posting, and try to take care of yourself.

I really have no way of getting to a therapist right now unfortunately.
Thank you for your reply.

Hello Breanne, welcome to PC! I’m sure that you’ll find this site full of supportive people and useful information.

We all have a deal breaker. Something that we cannot accept no matter what, sometimes it might seem small and unimportant to someone else but to us it’s a huge deal. If porn makes you uncomfortable then it does, there’s no shame in that. I wouldn’t be angry at your girlfriend’s parents, that’s illogical. While we have no porn in our home, they come up with it somewhere and I’ve discovered it in my son’s room from time to time. I won’t even attempt to guess why her mother didn’t take that opportunity to discuss things with her, but I do know had she made a huge issue of it and made the girl feel shameful it would have been much worse.

If you’re in a mature relationship you should be able to explain to your gf that porn is not your thing. If she’s a decent human being she’ll respect your boundaries, if not, this relationship won’t last anyway.

I’m so sorry that your family isn’t supportive. Depression is not something that we can control so it makes no sense that your mother would be angry about this. Perhaps you should take the plunge and give her a little credit. She might surprise you.

I do not mean to be condescending at all, but you sound quite young. Perhaps you’re not ready for a relationship. It is about give and take. I fully understand how you feel though. When I was young I said that I would never date anyone that ever smoked pot. Drugs are not my thing. I did not know at that time that my now husband smoked pot recreationally in high school. Had I known this not only would I have not dated him, had I discovered it before we got married (even though he’d long since quit) I frankly wouldn’t have married him.

We’re approaching our 24th wedding anniversary. So obviously I would have made a horrible mistake. There is such a negative stereotype for people that do drugs (irresponsible, ambitious, losers) he is none of these things, but I would have judged him on my preconceived notions rather than the person I’d known since I was 8 and dated for 2 years before we married.

I wasn't even sure myself if I was ready for another relationship but when she asked me I couldn't really say no. She was freaking out before I even answered, thinking I was going to say no. So I went and said okay. I did like her a lot at the time though. I only liked her more till recently. I think I get so scared that something will mess up that I end up thinking of anything as a problem maybe. Because my past relationships didn't end too well so I get worried I guess.
I can pretty much tell her everything. She knows I don't like porn. She used to say she didn't like it either. She also recently told me she's not actually herself with anyone she talks to and tries to be someone she thinks they'd want her to be. Because she's scared they'll hate her and she'll be alone. I told her that's ridiculous and to just be herself. But yeah. It made me wonder if I actually know much about my girlfriend or not.

I really doubt it. I've been watching how she reacts about my brother. Because I guess he was depressed, and she wouldn't really talk to him or help him at all. She just got annoyed that he was depressed. Then he went to church and was apparently all happy again. So she'll probably just take me to church.

I'm eighteen. My girlfriend is actually like, fifteen so I doubt that helps at all.
I'd probably never date someone who did drugs either.. I am trying to wait and see if my actions change at all. But this morning I woke up and for some reason thought I was single and it felt really good... xP

But I'm glad you made the right choice for you, and I'll say happy 24th anniversary now for when it comes up!

Thank you for your reply!

Your girlfriend is really young to be watching all that porn. Do you know if something has ever happened to her in her past?

I have no idea. u_u; Her dad's an alcoholic? I don't know how that would affect it.

It is my own personal belief that the age difference you and your girlfriend have is too much at this stage in both your lives. It is criminal in my state (and a quick google for Massachusetts also reveals that it is the same there) if you are sexually active. Keep in mind this means if you are caught or she decides to file a complaint, you will have to register as a sex offender for the rest of your life. The sites I checked out suggest to me that Massachusetts is not as vigilant about enforcing these laws as Wisconsin is.

I have no doubt that you don’t know who your girlfriend really is because at 15 she doesn’t even know yet. Her personality isn’t fully formed yet. I know we all change every day, but at 15 the line between child and adult is very blurry. Your comment about her response to your brother’s depression seemed odd until you mentioned her age. Most 15 years old (contrary to their own personal belief) are more child than adult. I’ve said a million times that I wish I knew now half of what I thought I knew at 18.

I really do remember what it’s like to be your age. One of the things that I’ve told my children based upon my own experiences is that it’s absolutely imperative that you do not make an important decision to make someone else happy when you’re not sure. In other words, don’t say yes just because you think no is too difficult. Minor things like what movie to see, where to spend your Saturday night etc aside. For decisions like who you’re going to be in a relationship with, who you’re going to have sex with, things that will change your life YOU HAVE TO BE TRUE TO YOURSELF FIRST!!!!!!! By agreeing to a relationship that you’re not fully committed to you’re just postponing (and possibly compounding) the heartache.

Yeah I totally agree with ya there.
And we're not sexually active we're both still virgins. So I don't have to worry about laws.

I know I don't know who she is. She seems somewhat mature for her age at times, but there are other times where she can become annoying.
When I was 15 I was dating someone who was a bit older than me, and she got to a point in her life sooner than I did that changed her so much and I also changed myself as I got older too so we just didn't work out anymore. She ended up breaking up with me because she knew we would be better off. I feel now in my current relationship the same as how my ex felt with me. So this relationship will probably end similar to that. I've tried breaking up with her and I'd like to stay friends but she got so upset when I tried and was beginning me not to leave her so I gave in. Probably was a horrible decision, and I wish I had just said no from the start because it would have been a lot less painful than it would be now. I feel really stupid for that.

So far in my life I haven't made too many important decisions. I mean I love to make people happy but I've been forcing myself to realize there's a line that shouldn't be crossed. I wish I had realized that back in December. I also know that this is probably going to change me, I'm kind of hoping for the better honestly. I'm hoping it'll change her for the better too but it could also make her a little less trusting of people like my last relationship made me.

I'm trying to gather the courage to try and break up with her. This morning for some reason I woke up and felt like I was single again, and it felt so good. I have a feeling it would help a bit with my depression... but at the same time it's like I know it'll be painful at first and I guess I'm scared for both of us to go through with it.

Maybe I could just... say that we should break up and continue as just friends, and when she's older, if we have feelings for each other still that we should date again?

You know I really do think that she is to young for you. I find it really disturbing that her mother lets her watch porn. Something about that just doesn't sound right. I hope that everything works out for you.

Definitely. Yeah, her mom is a bit strange... thank you lots for your support.

I think you know deep down what you should do. Part of the problem, in my opinion, is exactly what you’ve observed. She’s mature in many ways, but immature in others. I’m sure this will be very difficult but hopefully you’ve learned that you can’t just agree to something this important just because it’s easier than saying no.