|| Ouchies...||

I've been feeling really bad lately, and I'm posting this here since it's about my friends.... I guess.

I have to real life friends, and their parents seem to despise me. One, because I began to hurt her daughters psyche because of my running over there alot to get away from my let's say " not so nice " father, I guess, and then the others parents hate me because I used to cut. Because of my scars. They are trying to take all my one friends things away, such as her belongings....and even her friendship with me. They wont even let her go to the mall with me. I'm feeling extremely lonely, two real life friends....and then the rest are online friends.

I'm feeling also extremely disconnected from my friends in real life and online. To me life seems like a dream and or movie...as previously stated. I'm starting to feel like I'm doing nothing right around them, and that they're getting disappointed in me... especially one in particular....

I don't feel alive anymore. I'm fearful I won't be able to pass my new technology class because my brain feels numb, as well I don't think I'll be able to pass my mathematics class because again my brain feels numb....but I must ....

A friend of mine online just told me I shouldn't cry. I have no reason. And " No wander I have no friends. Thank god I'm a pacient one " . That hurt me really badly....

I get no support from my family. They just yell at me and hurt me. And I've been going to therapy as of late too...and the more I talk to her, the more I realize the things my father does are not right.

For instance, he goes around the house naked sometimes. And then he constantly touches me...no sexually, just touches me...like lightly hits and pinches and such, for no reason. Like if I go in to talk to him...I'll be given a lecture on whatever subject he wants to give me a lecture on....and tapsped a few times. If I don't say thank you when he gets me things like school supplies...he calls me selfish....

My friends keep telling me what to do. " Chill " " calm down " " you need to relax " " Dont cry " ...ectcetera.

" Your the one who asked for advice "
" no I did not "
" I told you Id not tell you because I didnt want to upset you "
" tell me "

So I told.

" I can just leave you like the others did... would that make you feel better "

..... Quotes from my friend.

I've no right to be this way, no right at all.

Finally got new glasses...father wanted me to pretend I was 11 to get a discount....but I didn't want that, so I told t...she found a coupon, dad went to lens crafters with me to get glasses....but he's still giving me lectures on how I should have pretended I was 11...

When in truth, I'll be 16 in June...

I'm feeling extremely lonely...
Hated by both their parents. Disconnected. Cooped up in this house, no way out. People closed my case. Why bother though ? If they took me away, I'd loose my animals and belongings and everything I love. That would kill me too...

Liar...martyr....self centered *****...selfish....Manipulator. Don't cry. You shouldn't cry. No reason to cry...

-curls up and cries herself to sleep-

I do nothing right. Nothing right at all..

My ex bf... cheated on me three times after getting together with me and dumping me several times before that, then we nt with the girl he cheated with...

My ex girlfriend attempted suicide 3 times a few months after the end of our relationship, I watched her take pills on webcam...She said it was my fault that the relationship broke up. When in truth, she cheated on me in real life and lost her virginity to someone else...

My other ex boyfriend was a complete arse to me. I don't remember that to well...

- don't focus on the negative, focus on the positive. Easier said then done...what positive ? What positive I might ask...so very little positive...

No right to cry...

Martyr. Manipulator. Bad. wrong...selfish.....

I just want to cuddle my friends. Especially the one. Can't do. Can't touch. wrong. Bad. Want to comfort...wrong, bad, can't do....

yeah.... in other news though, I'm al right...

-closes the post-... say what you want...

Hey Lilah,

You don't know me, but I hope you don't mind if I write.

I'm sorry that things aren't going so well for you right now. I know what you mean about being lonely - i only have a couple of good real-life friends, and I feel like except for my boyfriend, I'm not even all that close to my friends. Although he's usually great, I really wish I had some more good friends besides him.

Anyway, just wanted to let you know you're not alone! We're all here for you. And I really hope things start going better with your friends.

All the best & lol,
Kate

Lilah,
your father and others who are duty-bound to provide and help are the ones who are selfish IMO. They should be thanking YOU. Dad especially should say Thank you for finding creative ways to make do with what little guidance and support and recognition I am willing and able to provide. Thank you for NOT falling completely off the edge of reason when I inhibit your maturation and individuation and commit violations against your boundaries. You have likely already outgrown many in your realm as far as perception. Keep talking to the counselor- at least one good benchmark of functional adult behavior and care can still have profound and lasting positive effects on you for life. You sure sound like they have given you a lot to do at home in abdicating the role of parent.

Hi...Lilah, I'm sorry that the adults in your life aren't behaving in appropriate ways and that you aren't receiving the love and acceptance that you deserve. I don't know what gets into parents..I'm really sorry that they havelet you down. With that said, please, please continue to see your counselor..in fact, if you can see the therapist more often, please do...and tell her/him everything!! i think it will really help you.......i'll be praying for you and thinking of you. you're very, very strong to endure what is in your life.....pat

Hi Lilah -- Pat just everything I would say. Keep seeing your counselor. It's a must. Will pray for you.

((((((((((((((((Lilah))))))))))))))))))

Thanks everyone for your support, I really needed it ._. today, I got in trouble with my teacher. She wanted us to start taking papers out of our binders to write with, and put our binders below the desk....My binders half broken, and I didnt want to do that...so I refused. She got a referall out, and I listened...a few minutes later I found myself putting my things back into my binder, she got a erferall out, and I asked her not to do that...so she sent me out side with me thinkinking if I went outside she wouldnt send the referal....... I banged my head against the wall because of frustration, I was crying. She came out and told me to s top, so I did...another girl passing the hall told me to stop it and to get help -_- at lunch, my friend wasnt there...I cried again. I needed her but she wasnt there...oh well, they cant always be. Went back into class and the teacher gave me a lecture on how messed up I was...I tried explaining to her my issues, but she wouldnt listen....she told me maybe I needed to switch schools ? What was this implying ? That I'm mentally incapable of going to a normal high school ? -_- and that she was going to send the referal anyway.... and that she " Feels sorry for me as a person " I dont want her pity -_- I dont want pity... not like anybody would understand....

I see myself as more like my father every day...my personality....and I hate that man. To be like him is worst then death -_- Why must I be be the daughter of such a man and a woman whom I barely know ?

-_- Others have it worst then me...I shouldnt complain...I shouldnt complain...

I shouldnt complain. Sucks when you have someone cursin at u inside ur mind 24-7, and others wanting to do other things. Really it does...I'm a liar though, to some people.....

heh. - listens to music and lulls self to sleep - thanks for the support, I appreciate it. It helps me to survive..... - gives cookies -

Oh, Lilah, if I could get 5 minutes with that teacher to tell her how uncaring, unprofessional and how inappropriate her actions were today!!! I'm so sorry that you had such a crummy day! I really can't believe that you were treated as you were. I hope you can see your counselor soon and let some of this hurt and anger out. I'm thinking of you and please keep coming to post.......we care about you very much. xoxox pat

I dont get to see my therapist this week, she has to write questions up for college students

((((((((((((((Lilah))))))))))))))

That sounds so tough, both at school and at home. I really hope things get easier for you soon.

keep posting here...pat

I has a math quiz tommorrow and I dont even know what the lesson was on today because the teacher kicked me out. -_- I cant fail, if I did I'd be stupid....

You wouldn't be stupid if you failed a maths test ... what about if you study all the likely topics?

can you call someone and find out?

Ill read my book and study...I'll pass it, somehow....thanks everyone.

ok. good luck in your test.

I dont think I passed -_- oh well, I'll do better next time.....

good attitude...hang in there. xoxo pat

I salute your good attitude, Lilah. Being a teen can be crummy, powerless. And adults can be insensitive and worse.

(((((((((((((((((Lilah)))))))))))))))))))

Lilah, I'm sorry that your teacher and parents have dropped the ball in taking the proper responsibility and don't treat you appropriately and give you the love and care that you need and deserve. I'm sorry that you think that you failed your math test today but I'm glad that you have a good attitude about passing the next time. You are so full of hurt and rightfully so, you've really gotten a raw deal. I know you're not seeing your councilor this week but please keep talking to her/him and let everything out. You deserve much more in life and you do have a right to your feelings and to cry. Cry and let it all out as much as you need. My heart goes out to you. Please keep posting. We care about you here.

(((((((((((((( Lilah ))))))))))))))