[blackdragon]

anybody delt with a mommas boy?
I been dating this 26 yr old for 7 months i am 4 months pregnant with his kid and his mom is getting inbetween us. Every time she calls its allways the same come up to see her (even if he just saw her 4 days ago) she allways wants him to stay for a week or come up and move back in. she only met me once but before she even knew me she said i was a brainwashing manupulative and all i was interested in him was for his money. At the time he didnt even have a dime to his name. She get angry at him when he said no because we dont have the money for gas. I also dont have the money to be paying for a phone with 300 minnutes on it if she calls every day and talks to him for 20 minutes at a time. I finnally just told him to go up there cause i cant compete with her. So now he is back with mommy and i am stuck 2 hrs away pregnant and i dont know how to deal with this. All i wanted was a family of my own and now im stuck with his kid in me and i been getting so depressed that i dont even want the kid. I have even caught myself praying for a miscarrage like my last one.
i dont know what to do anymore. I dont know weather to trust him on when he says he will be back before the babys born. I think his mom is brainwashing him. She rather see him go on disability for jsut bipolar disorder than to see him get a job. And he had a job but walked out on it due to mommys command. he would of made 1600 a month.
What your opinion on this situation?
Am i wrong for feeling like a peice of trash and even worse for not even wanting to go through the pregnancy anymore?

[jerrymichele]

I'm so sorry. Mother inlaws can be something else sometimes. My ex husband was really bad about this. My ex's father passed, and he had to part live with me, and her. I even tried talking to him about it, and he just wouldn't listen to me. It really played a big roll into why we aren't together. Next time he goes you should go with him, and let your appearance be known. Then you should have a talk with the both of them. He needs to be thinking about you and the baby now. And his mom needs to respect that. Keep posting so we know how you are k.

[AAAAA]

Some families are extremely close and it’s normal to talk on the phone or see each other every day. Just because another families traditions are different than your own does not mean that they’re necessarily wrong or unhealthy.

Being a woman I would be extremely annoyed that my significant other has placed his mother before me. Being a mother I understand that at some point in their lives my children will put their husbands/wives as their number one priority. This is the circle of life, but on the other hand I would be very suspicious if this new person thought that speaking to me on the phone or coming to see me was a big deal.

This man seems very weak. If he truly did quit his job because his mother asked him to that sounds off. It sounds like there’s more to the story here. It sounds unnatural for a grown man to quit a job or move back home because his mother requested him to. It also sounds unnatural for her to make such a request unless she felt that the stress of the job was just too much for him. Maybe he’s using mom as the scape goat.

What reason does he give for moving back in with his mother? Seven months is not a long time, he might be scared. Having a baby is a big step, especially after only a few months of dating.

I’d stop blaming mom and start holding him accountable for his actions. If he doesn’t want to live with you he should own up to it.

[blackdragon]

His mom gets mad at him for trying to make it on his own. Literally since when he moved back up there his cell phone got tooken away for fear that he will run from his mom. I got my info from a recent email. I feel hurt by what she has said about me saying im brainwashing him. I guess im not good enough for him. I am just going to leave him alone and as for this baby im just giving it up for adoption. Im not mother material anyway. Plus this child deserves to have a mom and a dad.

[Catherine2]

[quote=blackdragon;1102541]His mom gets mad at him for trying to make it on his own. Literally since when he moved back up there his cell phone got tooken away for fear that he will run from his mom. I got my info from a recent email.

Very tough situation, Blackdragon, and I'm sorry you are going through it.

Was the information in an email from him?
A trusted friend?
Is it possible he couldn't afford one? Can you call him on the land line if his mother has one?

Jmo, but if it is true that she took it away, perhaps it's possible he is having some problems that are not related to his relationship with you.

I feel hurt by what she has said about me saying im brainwashing him.
I can imagine how much it hurt you, and I'm so sorry.

Did she say this directly to you?
Isn't there some way the three of you could sit down and talk about this situation?

I guess im not good enough for him. I am just going to leave him alone and as for this baby im just giving it up for adoption
Blackdragon, your worth has nothing to do with him or his mother. You are a worth while human being and deserve to be shown courtesy and respect.
He has responsibilities towards this child...

Are you in the care of an Obstetrician, or perhaps a general clinic?
Whichever one, please ask for assistance. You can be referred for counseling that will help you make a decision...
You also need to know your legal rights; one of them being if he has any chance of stopping the adoption. In some states, the father has to sign off on the adoption also.

Im not mother material anyway. Plus this child deserves to have a mom and a dad.
I admire your honesty, Blackdragon, in thinking about the baby.
Please seek counseling before you make a final decision.
You are very hurt and disappointed right now, and it may make it harder to make a decision.

My very best wishes,
Catherine

[blackdragon]

email from him. his mom treats him like a child and basically doesnt beleive he can hold a job just because he is bipolar. she rather see him on ssi than to have a job. for ssi he has been denied 4 times and he wants to work but once his mom talks to him then he just gives in. Before he left he was hopefull and happy excieted about work and getting a new apartment and the baby but all it took to dash his dreams was a 20 minnute fone call from mom and he just gave up.

[AAAAA]

I am really sorry that you’re going through this without the support of the baby’s father. From what you are saying, it doesn’t sound like he is ready to be a father at this point in his life. It sounds like you’ve got a plan. We’re here to support you in your decision no matter what it is.

[jerrymichele]

Originally Posted by blackdragon

email from him. his mom treats him like a child and basically doesnt beleive he can hold a job just because he is bipolar. she rather see him on ssi than to have a job. for ssi he has been denied 4 times and he wants to work but once his mom talks to him then he just gives in. Before he left he was hopefull and happy excieted about work and getting a new apartment and the baby but all it took to dash his dreams was a 20 minnute fone call from mom and he just gave up.

Is it possible for you to go down there and talk to the both of them I think that you have ever right to know what is going on. If you don't mind me asking, how old is your bf.

[blackdragon]

hes 26 and if i had the gas money i would. As for visiting his mom and him i dont have the backbone too. i am under the impression his mom hates my guts and wants nothing to do with me

[jerrymichele]

You know she might be a whole entirely different person. Yeah she could be saying those things, but she might be different if she knew you. What I would do is tell bf what you really think, and I would go down there and meet her. I have had to do this before. I would think that she would want to know the mother of her grand child. Tell him that you need his support right now. Next time you talk to him tell him it's time for him to come home, and if he tells you that he can't, then tell him he's a grown man, and that he can. If you don't want to go there then tell him to bring her to your home. Sometimes we need to be forward on what we want and need. You can't always worry about upsetting someone. You have your baby and you to think about, so if that means pissing off the bf's mother than so be it. This is really his issue about him standing up to his mom. I don't know why she would want to control him like that. keep posying so we know how you are.

[Catherine2]

Originally Posted by blackdragon

email from him. his mom treats him like a child and basically doesnt beleive he can hold a job just because he is bipolar.

jmo, blackdragon, but he is allowing his mother to dictate what he can and cannot do..at his age, he needs to be able to stand up for himself...for you and for your baby.
Please be direct with him the next time you email him. It may open his eyes and make him take responsibility for himself.

she rather see him on ssi than to have a job. for ssi he has been denied 4 times and he wants to work but once his mom talks to him then he just gives in.
It can be very difficult for someone, male or female, not to crumple whenever a parent belittles them.
It's also possible that he doesn't actually want to be independent, blackdragon. If this should be the case, you need to know so you can make plans for you and your child.
Before he left he was hopefull and happy excieted about work and getting a new apartment and the baby but all it took to dash his dreams was a 20 minnute fone call from mom and he just gave up.
I'm so sorry...
.

Again, this is just my opinion, but perhaps it's a necessity now to have some kind of communication with him...and his mother.
Most likely, she will not respond but you will know that you tried to give him every chance to behave like a man.

It's understandable that you are very hurt, probably afraid, and trying to handle your disappointment in him...and your anger that he has basically abandoned you and his baby.

Perhaps getting counseling will benefit you in many ways.
Along with working through your feelings, you will be able to find agencies that can help you.
Please check into what resources are available to you.

Taking action can be of help in regaining a sense of control...

Catherine

[Hunny]

BD

Just finished reading the posts here. My heart goes out to you at this time BD. Carrying a baby is a wonder but your body is going through so many changes, physically.

it is not really clear if you are receiving help from a community or a church or other caring community. Nor have you said anything about your own family members.

Being pregnant can be a wonderful thing but it can cause one to feel more worried if things around you are not settled, emotionally, physically, spiritually economically or mentally. There are those who would give you the kind of support you need at this time but it will require you to reach out a bit.

Thankfully, you are posting here on PC and that is important, for a start, but there are some more things you can do too. Here is hoping you are open to receiving this support. Focusing on the relationship between you and the father is perhaps not the best place to start. It can still be addressed but your health and well-being and that of your baby are the priority for now. Here is hoping for you.

Hunny

[sunsetsunrise]

Hi BD
I have read what you wrote here. And as with Hunny, my heart so goes out to you. How difficult this all must be. Maybe first step is to focus on you.

when you talked tonight (tuesday night) in chat, I thought about how hormones can go wacky when one is pregnant. I so agree with everything Hunny said re support. wherever that can be found. I am glad this is one place. And i hope that you can find that in community where you live also.

I know you are concerned about medications considering that you are pregnant. Perhaps your gyn would know of things that medically are safe to take. Also, there are natural substances that naturopaths or Homeopaths know about. If that appeals to you. Personally, I am on a rx and do homeopathy and work with a naturopath. So I have respect for all. But I do need a RX also.

I cannot imagine being in your position. Feeling alone and in pain while carrying a beautiful life in you. Perhaps reaching out to your obgyn would be a good beginning??? My blessings for you and that wonderful life you are carrying.

[Edahn]

Originally Posted by blackdragon

Am i wrong for feeling like a peice of trash and even worse for not even wanting to go through the pregnancy anymore?

I think feel disappointed makes a lot of sense, but as we both know, the pregnancy will come either way. You do have an option of giving your child to an adoptive family, but I don't get the feeling that you're at that stage.

The issues with the guy and his mom seem like they're a bit of a mystery to me. What exactly is she saying to him? Why does she want him down? Do they both appreciate that you need help right now? I think this is a good time to talk to your boyfriend and clarify what they've been talking about and try and explain to him, calmly, that YOU need him there more than his mother does. Just be rational about it. If it makes sense, he will be convinced. You need to impress upon him the reality of the situation, the role you would like him to play, and invite him (rather than order him) to acknowledge his duties to you and to his baby, even if it means not spending time with his mom. You can offer some alternatives for him, like talking on the phone, emailing, etc.

I'd also recommend you try not to turn the mother into a villain. From what you described, it sounds like she's needy, but not mean-spirited. She might also be a little absent-minded and unrealistic. If you can find a way to deal with her, even befriend her on some level, you might be able to find solutions that keep everyone happy -- solutions that don't require your boyfriend to have to choose between pleasing his mother and girlfriend. Befriending the mom, even just casually, might also make her back off your relationship.

Best,
Edahn