Unforgiveness / Finding Closure

kathyanita, I want to thank you for pointing your observation that this is an example of good communication between members. I'm so happy to know that this is coming across to the reader. The fact that AG and I disagreed about certain things never stopped us from continued communication and apologies were made where needed. I adore AG and I want that to always be the spot light under which my posts to her are perceived. There's nothing wrong with questioning another poster, theirs nothing wrong with disagreeing with another poster and it's totally appropriate to express hurt and pain inflicted upon one's self for what another poster said,intended or not. AG stepped up to the plate, as did I and I believe we've come full circle in this thread. But to have someone else point out their observation of this reconciliation magnifies it all exponentially. I can't thank you enough. I'm grateful for your post. It says a lot about you as a person. And I'm looking forward to getting to know you better. TgrsPurr. xo

Sometimes closure may never come, as in my past I know I will never have true closure with my abuser because if I we're to be in contact with him he would do me bodily harm, so I will never have closure, I have a better life now.
I too have a past friend that I cannot find closure because she won't allow me to get close, she only sees the past when my illness was at it's worst, this is her choice and I found I have to move on.
My choice to have a happier life is to let the past stay in the past
Please AG try to let the past go, we can't get the past back, no matter how hard we try, look the a new begining
Angie

AG , does this post make any sense to you, does it help at all ?

it makes very good sense,,,,,

Feeling slited have you forgotten those others who have responded, we do have the same feelings as you

I agree that there are a lot of times that we can never find closure with the other person in the relationship that fell apart, whatever kind of relationship that may be. Talking with that person, as long as it is safe to do so, is the best way to find closure but we are not always given that opportunity. What this whole thread was supposed to be about was learning where we, *I*, make our mistakes so that we don't repeat the same errors in present and future relationships. That is almost a guarantee to happen if we don't learn from our mistakes. When a relationship ends we need to learn why it ended. I also think that it is rarely the fault of only one of the people in th relationship, both people have responsibility to the break-up, so we can't take on all of the blame, and I personally don't do that. However, even though I say that, I have had a few prior relationships where the other person put ALL of the blame on me and accepted none of it themselves. But, I can see errors that each of them made that contributed to the end of the relationship, whether they see it or not.

Back to closure. For me, it is hard to let something go, when I don't know all of the whys because it is the whys that will help me to learn from it and move on. When I'm not given that opportunity, I have to meditate on it by myself and try to analyze what happened that caused the demise of the relationship. When I have to do this on my own, without the other person's input, then I only see things through my eyes and may not be looking at it objectively, therefore missing some key information that I will drag into all of my other relationships, therefore making them just as toxic and sealing their fate just the same.

To make the situation even more complicated for me is when the person leaves me for something that was misunderstood. I want desperately to explain what I meant or what I did but I'm not given that chance. What if I was, would the relationship still be intact? How can I let go of something that fell apart because of an untruth? It frustrates the hell out of me that I'm not given an opportunity to explain. Maybe that person would still be in my life. Just look at this thread as an example. I misunderstood Tgr. When I got upset, she still hung in there with me, we talked it out, we resolved it, our friendship is intact. That's all I've ever wanted in all of those other relationships. I wasn't given the chance. I can't even put into words how frustrating that is for me, that something could be resolved if the other person would just stay and communicate with me.

What I end up doing when I can't find closure with the other person from the relationship, is I bring that relationship into therapy and it is discussed with my t. If I still care deeply for the person, I find it extremely difficult to let that person go out of my life (emotionally), they've already left physically. I have to mourn the loss of that person the same as you would mourn from a divorce or death. It's all the same. In fact, death is much easier to deal with because you know there is absolutely no way that you will ever be able to reunite with the person, but if by any other means, I usually want to reconciliate with the person because I still care deeply for them, because I'm the person who was left behind and not the person who left because I wanted to.

Letting go is extremely hard for me, of anything. Same thing with my traumas, I've yet to let any of them go. I don't know how. I want to, but I don't know how. That's one reason I'm in therapy, is to learn how to let go. I guess as far as ended relationships are concerned, part of it is that I don't WANT to let go because I still have deep feelings for the person and I want them back, such is the case with my best friend that I lost last year.

How do you stop wanting someone you still love very much just because they don't want you? I don't know how to stop loving someone on the stop of a dime. If you could do that, then was it really love to begin with? I guess that is the key for me, I need to find out how to stop loving a person that I love very much. OK, now I'm in tears again.

I've yet to resolve in my mind that you won't talk with me anymore. You ignore my apology and my PMs to you, you talk on my threads but not to me. You talk around me but not to me. How do I deal with that?

Thank you for the support Pat and Angie. I'm glad it's clear that I waw only trying to help AG and offer some sound advice. I guess in the future I need to be more conscienscious of how I get my message across. I never wanted to hurt AG, quite the contrary. But in her defense I must have misinterpreted what she was trying to say and what she was asking for. In my manic energy I can be over enthusiastic with what comes to mind. I, too, am hoping that at least one or two good points came across okay.

Basically, I just wanted to say thanks because I was beginning to doubt my posts here and in another thread under depression.
Love to you both. TgrsPurr. xo

AngelGirl , picture this;
Hold a butterfly in your hand if it stays it was meant to be, if it flies away it wasn't meant to be, this is life
Angie

Hi Mandy

Sorry for the delay in my reply. Quite frankly I'm still reeling from last night. I feel very raw and vulnerable.

I'm sorry that you're feeling very depressed right now. I hope you feel better soon.

Yes, I have to be more patient with not getting replies. A bad habit for me, I take it personally. I need to learn to give it more time and to accept it if I don't get the response that I'm looking for. Very hard for me. I'm sorry that you do the same.

You're right about your comment about the person who leaves. You would be that type of person. It leaves the other person maybe having some idea of what went wrong, maybe not, depending on if anything was said. I'm glad you're working on this with your t. I wish you much luck.

Thanks for replying and again, I'm sorry for the delay in my reply.

Good luck!!!

Lilypad

I see you are new, welcome to Psych Central. I'm sure you'll find lots of love and support here. I'm sorry for the delay in my response. I'm still trying to recover from last night, I'm not there yet.

You are very insightful with your reply. Words do hurt. Where did that children's saying ever come from? Geez, it needs to be tossed. Emotional scars can be far worse than physical ones. Physical heals quickly, emotional can take a lot of time and depending on the severity of it and the duration of it, can last years or a lifetime.

You're right with your comment that some people don't know how to forgive and some won't forgive on purpose. I think it shows a weakness on their part. You're right, they have refused a blessing, wonderfully said. Thank you! I've never thought about it that way.

Thanks for the virtual hug, much appreciated and I'm sending you one in return. We can never have too many hugs. Thanks for your very kind words.

I look forward to getting to know you better.

Thanks Kathyanita for your kind words. I'm not sure my meltdown showed a very good example for anybody but I did stick with Tgr to resolve things so that our friendship remains solid. Don't we wish everybody in our lives would be willing and are capable of doing the same.

Jen and Ry, thanks for the hugs and for talking with me last night. I'm sorry that I scared the both of you.

((((((((((((( Jen ))))))))))))) (((((((((((((( Ry ))))))))))))))))

No, I haven't forgotten anybody. I'm still very upset. To be honest, I wasn't ready to come back to this thread yet. It was too painful for me. I'm still feeling raw and vulnerable. I haven't recovered yet. I'm working on it.

AG, again I ask for your forgiveness. I never meant to hurt you. I had no idea what I said would hurt so bad, had I known I would've worded my response differently. I don't want you to walk around as the walking wounded do to a miscommuication. I adore you and care about you very much. I steppe on a land mine and I'm paying the price for it big time. I've never regreted any of my postes, but this timr around it would seem I realy stepped in it. What can I do to make things rigt will us again I ca't seem to apologiize enouhg. You said you frgive me,. bit i y keeps coming it. Yuu say you[ve forgiven me. but in other post you rehsh all over again. Whar can I do?
Tgrs/ xo

Well I guess it's good evening now, sorry for the delay in my reply. I won't lie to you and tell you I'm ok cuz I'm not. I feel raw and vulnerable. I still question who I am because now I don't know. I obviously come across totally different than the person I thought I was. I don't know how to communicate any more either, I guess I never did. I'm not putting you down, I hope you don't see it that way. I'm glad that we were able to communicate our feelings and that you stayed with me until we forgave each other, leaving our friendship intact and solid. That means the world to me. As I said before, you have the patience of Job and for that I thank you. This is exactly the kind of encounter that would've ended other relationships in my past, they would've all jumped ship, you didn't. I'm very glad of that. It seems very few people these days want to communicate and resolve their problems. It's easier to bottle them up or to discard the person because they're not 'easy'. I'm glad you are above that. Thanks Tgr. Yes, even though I'm still hurt, we can move on. I also want to apologize to you because I'm sure my reactions last night must've hurt you just the same. I'm sorry! Please forgive me. I too, never meant to hurt you. I'm sorry I have.

((((((((((((((((( TgrsPurr ))))))))))))))

You have left open wounds here and they are not yours
Marie

TgrsPurr....I'm concerned for you. I could tell from your last post that you were really hurting. Please do take care of yourself. There are things you can change and things that you can't. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the ones I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. love, pat

I understand that concept but it doesn't stop the love I still have for that other person or the frustration that I wasn't given the opportunity to explain myself and the other person saw things incorrectly regardless of how sure they were.

I don't know why letting go of someone you love very much seems so much easier for other people than it does for me. I still love these people. This thread is so painful for me. Not so much the thread itself, but the thinking back of all the failed relationships and all those people that I still love VERY much that I've lost. Again, I'm crying for those losses.

Amen.

TgrsPurr, Please be safe your hurts are ours too
Ang & Marie

I do forgive you. I know you were trying only to help me and not to hurt me, we are friends. I can't imagine you ever deliberately trying to hurt anyone. I'm not sure where you think I'm rehashing it. I didn't mean to. I'm sorry I'm hurt. I have forgiven you. You meant me no harm. I don't know what else to say.

WOW!!! Do I ever feel unwanted here now because I'm hurting. I've apologized to Tgr. I know I've hurt her. It looks like I have no right to my hurt feelings. I'm finished with this thread. I'm finished.

Of course you have a right to your hurt feelings. I'm sorry there's been some misunderstandings in this thread, but I hope folks can forgive (as those who had the misunderstandings have already done), and move on.

AG, great topic of discussion... closure's such a difficult thing to obtain sometimes in relationships, especially ones where closure has been forced upon you. It has for me, sometimes, too, and it's something that isn't simple to deal with. But the fact is, you do have to find a way to find the closure and put the person out of your life. I'm not sure I have much to offer in this respect, but it is something I've had to grapple with as well....

DocJohn

DocJohn

Thanks for validating my feelings. That means a lot to me for you to do that. I know I've hurt her too and I'm really sorry for that. I hope she can forgive me. I'm sorry that you've had to deal with the same thing. It hurts like hell. I wish I knew how to let go. Life would be so much better if I could. Anyway, thanks for your understanding.