Loss of sexual desire....

Over the past few months, I have gone through phases of wanting to have a sexual relationship with my boyfriend to not. It confuses me. I feel that I am attracted to him, yet sex is not the most important thing in my life in which I can live without. Yet if I don't jump at the moment my boyfriend wants it, its like I am a bad person. Can someone explain this to me.

A recent example being over this past weekend, I was not feeling well. Yet in the morning my boyfriend wanted to make out and because I didn't jump all over him, he got mad and didn't talk to me all day. I don't understand it. Am I unbalanced or subconciously no longer attracted to him? If anyone out there has thoughts or suggestions, I am open to them.

I know that when I have a lot of stressful things going on in my life, sex is the last thing I am thinking about. Can this be a major problem.

kayle, you sound pretty normal as a woman to me. it was very insensitive and immature of your bf to act that way. a woman is an emotional creature, much more than men on the average. emotions, stresses and illness affect her drive. again, i'm speaking on the average.

i'm sorry your bf acted that way. it was NOT appropriate in my book.

take care and good luck,

kd

Thanks. I often think it is myself. But like I told him over the weekend, if you are this unhappy then you should leave the relationship. Relationships should not be based on sex. When they are, problems occur.

I don't understand why men act this way. It frustrates me to no end.

The thing that gets me the most is I have taken on more stress than him and he doesn't understand that I get tired earier. Not to complain but I work full time, run a business on the side and am going to school for my masters. In addition to that, I have to take care of the house and our 2 cats. That is a lot to take on with only 24 hours in a day.

WOW, and you have TIME for sex...let alone the want to? my goodness, woman...no wonder.

you said some good things to your bf. i hope he relaxes some about it.

kd

I doubt he will. I don't think he gets it. I know this has been he first real relationship. It seems like he has no clue about women. If there was only a way to get him to understand, I think life would be so much better.

Right now is my slow time with work (tax season is over) and my business (no holidays in sight for gift baskets), which will allow me to give more time to my relationship. But when I get remarks like I did over the weekend, it makes me not want to get close to him no matter how much I may want to.

that's so understandable. would he consider seeing someone with you? i think he should. his thinking is unreasonable in my book.

gl hon

Ok, granted I'm a guy, but I THINK I know a bit about women since I've been in several serious relationships. Here's my take. You're about as normal as they come. Every serious gf I've ever has had phases like you are describing. I used to get upset thinking it was me. Like I was not desirable any more/ But I know now that it's the way a woman works. I can't figure it out, but I just accept it. It's normal. You're bf is WAY out of line if you ask me... and so was I when I acted that way. I think maybe some counselling would be a good idea. I'm no woman expert but I think it would help him to understand you better. I hope that none of this came out as offensive cause it wasn't meant to be. Good luck sweetie.

Ry

You didn't come off offensive at all. The only problem would be that he would not go and talk to someone. He thinks that I'm the one that is insane. (if anything). How do I go about asking him to do this?

Well, you could tell him that you wanna talk to a therapist and ask him to go for support. Then you can slowly work up this issue. I wouldn't blind side him by this. Maybe just suggest that you guys go for regular old relationship counselling. Many couples do that from time to time just to work on communication. Make it seem like it's no biggie and maybe he'll buy into it. It's kinda sneaky, but it sounds to me that if it's gonna get resolved between you two that this is an important thing. Hope it works. Keep us posted. Good luck.

Ry

Kayle,

I am having similar issues. I have been with my husband for 10 years but we have been married for 5. I am so attracted to my husband that even know he makes my heart flutter. My sex drive has been decreased lately but I think that has alot to do with the meds. When this problem started, my husband took it personally. He would get angry and hurt. I beleive this hurt his self esteem because he thought it was because I wasnt attracted to him. I had to repeatedly explain that it had nothing to do with him. It was me. Really it was me. Over time, he has learned to deal with it better. I feel bad though because I feel like I'm making him suffer for my issues. We are getting back on track now and I hope to keep it going this way. My suggestion is to talk with your BF and explain your feelings, wants and needs. Being in a relationship is a two way street. He must respect you and your decisions. Good luck to you.

Neither of us are good at communication. The minute I would bring up anything in regards to this problem, he will probably throw it in my face that at one time I enjoyed having sex all the time. Its like a lose-lose situation. He doesn't listen to reason.

I bought an audio tape set called "I'm Not in the Mood : What Every Woman Should Know about Improving Her Libido ", it is suppose to describe why women lose their drive. Hopefully it has some good thoughts that I can get him to hear. This may make him understand where I am coming from.

The worst part is that I feel I shouldn't have this problem because of my age, but this audio set states that in your 20's is when this starts to happen. I'll have to let you all know how it turns out.

I think jmo351 hit it on the head. Perhaps he is simply taking your lack of desire for him as a sort of rejection. Hard to say from where I sit, but that sounds likely to me. I also think he should be more understanding of your lack of sexual appetite since you certainly have a lot on your plate. Obviously you are not a bad person for not wanting to sleep with him at times. I'm glad you communicated to him that sex is not the most important thing for you in a relationship.

Good Luck.

Sounds like you're dating my ex boyfriend. We had the exact same problem and have ended things because of it. We fought almost every other week because of it. He tried to be understanding, but just couldn't deal anymore. Always throwing in my face that I used to want it all the time (couldn't believe when you said that too!). Saying I used to sleep with him all the time before just to "get" him. He couldn't understand that things from my past were coming back to haunt me, and also being on the depo shot was causing problems. I also think he is a bit of a sex addict. I would wake up to him trying to "do things" in his sleep. It all became such a problem that we are no longer together. I could go into much much more, but I'd be hijacking. =) Just want you to know that you are definetly not alone. These problems are what brought me to the forums back in October. PM me anytime!

Stay strong and don't do more than you're comfortable with!

Rayna