middle age marriage:differences in sexual desire

help...talk from men and women of middle age(my defination 35 to 60...hope I haven't offended anyone) who have partners whom they love and would never think of being without and have had to tell or were told they or their partner were no longer interested in conventional physical love(sex)

Well hello Gordon, I havent seen anyone write anything but im only 18....i hope you dont mind me responding...but i thought it wouldnt hurt to give a suggestion? If i do offend you or you dont want my advice please say so and i will apologize fully for that was never my intention....
Ok so the advice? Your not really clear in your above statement however..im guessing from your title your having different desires than your partner and its kinda conflicting? How about going to a book store and buying a book of different ideas on how to "do it" that seems interesting to both of you. What about romancing first? Its not always about physical...maybe make your partner a nice meal? With the works? Start romancing...write notes near the bed so they can see it....or call them randomly...this will get the "mood" started...and if you have differences..why not do it each others way...and maybe meet a middle. Communication is key..obviously...why not a nice long sit down chat about what both of you want and how to intergrate it into the system you have? Doing nice things for each other every day or alittle more than ..once in awhile...can go along way and make the road alittle less bumpy for differences in the bedroom. Take it one step further with communication..not only sit down and chat with them...but perhaps ask while in the middle of it? I hope i am alittle on to what you are looking for ..if not i guess i just made myself look really stupid trying to help you lol. Its all about trying to make each other happy and yourselves happy and complete satisfaction all around. Dont be afraid to try their desires...and allow them to participate in yours. Dont think of differences as a bad thing..think of it as a way to expand both of your horizons. Now if your feeling negative thoughts and it is severly desturbing your ways and your relationship..id suggest a sex therapist....after you talk to each other about your feelings...Try to first settle it yourselves because it may be as simple as what i mentioned above, if that doesnt work and your both still not happy then pay to see a sex therapist..or even a regualar couples therapist....it might help....Hope i remotely helped you. Good luck and keep us posted. Inny

oh i am such a terrible person i forgot to say one thing

Welcome to PC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Glad to have you here!!!!

Hi Gordon, I'm 45 so I guess unfortunately that means I'm qualified to answer your question LOL. Personally if I found out my husband to whom I've married to for 21yrs was for whatever reason unable to carry on our physical side of the relationship I would be ok with that. I may mourne the loss of something that has been part of our life together, but I feel I am a time in life where I am able to find contentment and caring from other means.

It wouldnt be the end of my world. I find as we mature life takes on more precious meaning. I often ask myself if i was lying in a coffin as the lid was being closed, what regrets would I have about my life. To me it would be to have made the most of every moment! No matter what the situation.

Hi Gordon, I'm a 44 yo woman, and I'm there right now. I am so not interested in sex with my husband, I feel terrible for him, but having sex is just annoying. I have been like this for several years. We still have sex sometimes but I avoid it; and he knows I'm just going along with it to make him happy. This bothers him a great deal.

We have some serious issues because of this. He thinks I don't love him; but I do.

Can't believe I'm posting this,

z7

Welcome, Gordon.

I'm 58, so I qualify as being in your group. I spent 15 years with a man who was one of the world's worst lovers, because he was a good egg in every other way, and I loved him for who he was.

He had no imagination. He was the least sensual person I've ever known: He didn't like massage. Said it just didn't do anything for him. The skin is an erogenous zone. Once he said he didn't like massage, all hope went out of me for ever teaching or reaching that part of him.

Before this man, I was considered quite a sexual woman. But he just plumb drilled it out out of me. He eventually left me for another woman, and I hope it got as boring for her as it was for me, even though that's a mean thing to say.

I tried suggesting interesting things, but he actually made fun of me when I said what I'd like.

I would like to have sex again, but I will never sacrifice my sensuality for stability again, never. So that's the side of the story that I see.

Hello, first of all I had written a response before but I was having trouble with me computer so it didn't take.I am 40 years old and I believe you can still have a good if not excellent sexual relationship with your partner. I also know that there can be things standing in the way of a fulfilling sexual relationship.And I believe that sex with the same partner can develop like fine wine ages over time.I am a sensual person and I too would suffer emotionally greatly if my partner stopped the intimacy of sex in our relationship.And if he didn't find me attractive anymore that would just crush my ego. But the wonderment of not knowing if I was unattractive would drive me crazy and I would have to ask that very thing. But usually on the high normal the change of sexual attraction is other things.I need you to answer some questions or get some answers from your partner.

Are you both physically sexually compatible?Is it painful for her physically sometimes and how. The how part is for your knowing more than mine.Is your partner taking any medication that inhibit sexual drive? Has she been sexually violated before?If so then this will require great patience and gentleness and understanding on your part. I mention this because sometimes a secret kept can be the dividing factor of deep intimacy . Has she been raise to believe that sex is only fun for the man? And she needs to be honest with you with this question. Was there anytime when sex was good for her too? Is sex important to her and from 1to 10 how would she rate its importance?Thats enough questions fo her now, but it's a good start. And are you willing to read some books to improve your sexual relationship with her.And perhaps for the privacy of you both you rather not answer any of the questions here.Although I think many people here are also frothing at the mouth to know these very same answers in their relationship to their partner; but they can ask their partners as well.Communication is one o f the greatest keys to a thriving sexual relationship.

If you would like to ask me some questions on what keeps me happy in my sexual relationship. I will gladly answer those I am comfortable with. But it doesn't hurt to ask.
Sherry

All you have to do is let me know if you would like some book recommendations. Which some of them you should be able to get at your local library.

gordon, you might find some answers in the male support forum also............

Ok - I will answer here, being that I am middle age - 40 and have been married for 21 years (come this Friday - ).

I would say that NOT wanting physical love (sex) any more would probably have more to due with an emotional reason that was never resolved, hence sex is no longer needed or wanted - because for most females we bond to sex through emotional needs several days before the actual act has even taken place.... so to destroy the emotional love / bond in any way is to take away her sexual need over time.

Plus..... there is always the obvious reasons:
stress, being over worked, medical problems, medicines, small children, depression, resentment, anger, self hate.

I personally know that when I go through periods of not being interested in sex it is usually due to me not feeling loved or wanted in the emotional realm by my husband - I need to be loved and cherished out side of the bed room to enable me to want to give of myself in the bed room.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

I agree with Rhapsody and relate to what Wants2Fly said. For me both the physical and emotional bonds have been too stressed. Probably my medications affect my desire also; I just don't have any. My husband is a very good man but...

Desire comes and goes. If you both really have enough in common it wont matter. Just remember that humans are not perfect. Love, since it is one of those powerful type feelings can throw both of them off. Be spiritual and you will get back to centered and that was only thing that really mattered anyway when you two got together. Stress not on sex for sex is temporal. Love Razeljenny

May I recommend a book?
Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships by David Schnarch

Gordon, you haven't said whether it is you or your partner who has the stronger libido. If it is your partner and you feel yourself just not desiring sex anymore, the first stop might be your family doctor. You may have something physically wrong, a major disease, or perhaps are depressed. Please get yourself checked out today. Also, as men age, as I'm sure you know, many have trouble "sustaining." Viagra etc may be just the ticket. You and your partner perhaps might also benefit from couples counseling. I think many sexual problems for couples have their origins in relationship difficulties. If there is a lack of emotional intimacy, it can be hard to have physical intimacy. Good luck.