What's your conflict resolution style?

Conflict is necessary for effective problem solving and for effective interpersonal relationships.

Unresolved conflict does not go away; unresolved conflict can turn into a full boil at any time.

The goal of the membership or the moderation team is not to eliminate conflict but to learn how to manage conflict constructively.

Perhaps if all of us understood which styles are being used here at PC, we could better understand why some phrase things a certain way, and others phrase things another way. Once we see what is at work here, we might all also be willing to work on our own styles, to become a better communicators.

-Sky:

Interesting. Has it been used before? used for research? I'm not clear how it could be used and by whom in what way?

I think people would resist using this scall because there would be criticisms.

drclay

i chose other and no, the reason i chose other is because at some point i am using all of the above but at differing stages in the argument/ discussion as it progresses.

and the no is because i find that the above formula works well for me and suits my style, im not going to change that in the near future

i guess i just work towards an ideal rather than worrying too much about categorising the way things are at present.

i think i switch between styles too depending on how i feel, who the other person is etc etc.

It's just a starting point for those interested. There are many areas open for self help on this, whether it be just understanding different styles (and there are other titles for these, google them if you like) finding out what your own style really is (a self inventory, also available online) to a full study of conflict resolution for online (website) conflicts.

I gave more than one option because I like to think that most ppl do adjust their style a bit depending upon the ppl and the situation.

Dr. Clay, I see it only as something to work on individually. Without knowing "styles," I know that I've learned to change the way I communicate just by being here on PC. There's ways of saying things that will automatically start an argument or insult someone and there are ways to say it that won't cause that reaction.

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mellors said:
i chose other and no, the reason i chose other is because at some point i am using all of the above but at differing stages in the argument/ discussion as it progresses.

and the no is because i find that the above formula works well for me and suits my style, im not going to change that in the near future

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I agree Mellors, I answered the same as you for the same
reasons :-)

But Sky, it's an interesting poll/ideas to think about; thanks for bringing them up. I hadn't ever thought of having a "style," I just use whatever appeals to me based on the situation, disagreement and the person or persons with whom I'm disagreeing. I always try to remember to stay focused one-on-one because I don't believe you can have a conversation with more than one person at once (or be multi-tasking; I believe you can only do one thing at once and when one is "multi-tasking" one is actually sequentially-tasking, quickly :-) Wherever one's "head" is at is where one is at. You can only think/"look at" one thing at once.

Strange to see that no one has voted for "procrastination". Many times I wait, but I'm not "putting it off" as such. I take the time to make sure I read what I thought I read, make sure I didn't missread a word or two. If I'm triggered, angry or offended in any way, I take the time to think and figure out if there's any truth in what was said. Most of the time, I try to respond with "I statements" so as not to expand on the negative feelings any more. You know... the old STOP ... THINK ... ACT thing that I'm always pushing. It really works for me! (While I'm "thinking" I try to use some CBT while I'm at it. )

There are a few different models of conflict resolution styles. Most are similar to the above, but I would add "Accommodation" as a sixth style.

_Sky:

As I read more of your Conflict Management self-test I was impressed with the possible uses. It was really neat that you got 16 responses and put the % on this thread. I rated myself as a "communicator"--I'd talk to the person I had a conflict with. I was also a negotiator.

It would be interesting to present a group a situation that is likely to arouse conflicts...and let people tell how they tended to handle that situation. The example that came to my mind is the situation where the Governor is ordering all young girlsto get a vaccination which prevents cervical cancer. If I were interacting with someone strongly for or against the Govenor's proposal, I'd ask them why they held their opinion. Like most conflicts, it is helpful to know the underlying reasons, not just are they for or against t.he law. That understanding will surely help you understand their reasoning but it may not help you change their opinion, if you are wanting to do that.

I am a strong believer in the value of understanding the moral values and emotions behind a person's behaviors and opinions. As other posters have said, we are more accepting of others once we know "where they are coming from. " We can learn from each other.

drclay

Here is an exerpt from the CIAO regarding their peacekeeping dispute resolution. </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
1. An introduction to conflict and its resolution

The key principles identified are:

Conflict is inevitable and pervasive. Some conflict can be eliminated, some can be minimised, some needs to be managed.

Conflict is essentially based in perceptions (rather than reality) and feelings (rather than facts). It can only be resolved by dealing with perceptions and feelings.

There is no simple formula which makes conflict go away but there are approaches which can minimise the destructive effects of conflict and maximise the possibility of resolution.

There are some common negative responses to conflict which maximise its destructive effects.

Stress increases the risk of destructive conflict which, in turn, increases the level of stress; therefore effective stress management is an integral part of conflict resolution.

Most conflict is predictable. The most effective approach to conflict involves predicting and preparing for the conflict.

A flexible, adaptive, collaborative approach to conflict is generally more effective: this can move to a more directive or even coercive approach where necessary.

A collaborative, co-operative approach should usually be attempted initially; assuming co-operation will often promote it. The level of approach can be heightened (and quickly) if co-operation fails. Direct confrontation (including threat) usually provokes an aggressive response and should be avoided where possible.

The effective resolution of conflict almost inevitably requires talking about it—preferably with the person or people involved.

Not all conflicts can be externally resolved, and therefore effective internal (or intra-personal) techniques of resolution may be necessary. These may include stress management, peer support, counselling or therapy.
As a simple summary:

Recognise that conflict is inevitable—and not necessarily destructive

Predict and prepare for the conflict

Identify resources or training or strategies which may assist in eliminating, minimising or managing the conflict

Analyse and plan for resolution where possible

Reflect on the effects of the conflict—including how it feels

Recognise the impact of the conflict: plan for recovery

Talk it through—collaboratively where possible, exploring perceptions and feelings

Take a collaborative approach initially—turn up the heat only where necessary, and then as gradually as possible

Recognise that some conflict becomes self-perpetuating: talking it through with others who are not involved can help

Recognise that some conflict cannot be externally resolved: it is necessary to develop strategies for management and healthy survival
Participants are encouraged to consider how some of these principles may be difficult to apply in the military context (for example, expression of feelings) and to explore options for overcoming such difficulties.

Similarly, participants are introduced to the most common negative responses to conflict. These are:

Denial (e.g., suppression, repression, blocking)

Withdrawal (physically, emotionally, psychologically)

Submission (e.g., with resentment, anxiety or depression)

Immobilisation (e.g., freezing)

Displacement (e.g., into family)

Internalisation (e.g., self blame, guilt, anxiety)

Projection (e.g., blame of others, enmification)

Addictive behaviour (e.g., obsessional thought)

Drugs and alcohol

Violence (threat or coercion: physical or psychological

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[b]AND here is another useful accounting of styles:

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Conflict Styles
Avoid
(Run away.) You completely withdraw from the conflict, as if it doesn't exist.

Accommodate
(I give up, let's do it your way.) You put aside your goals and basically give in, although inside you are frustrated and angry.

Force
(My way or the highway.) You force your point until the other party eventually gives up.

Compromise
(Meet you in the middle.) You give up something and so does the investor, but neither of you is totally satisfied.

Collaborate
(Let's do it together.) You and the investor work together to find a solution that satisfies both of you.


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I take this moment to remind everyone that though the majority of members here are from USA, not all are. Dispute resolution approaches vary in many countries.
TC!

Hi Sky -- I decided not to respond. Like Mellors, my conflict style may differ between situations and change as a situation progresses.

I come from a very solid "avoid" conflict at all costs, especially in interpersonal relationships.

However, I will take on corporations in legal disputes and via letter writing.

I have had to learn more effective strategies, because of grade disputes with students and because I teach conflict management. I try to negotiate commonalities, help people see situations in more a more positive light. And I still run away whenever I can get away with it. Or write a kickin' letter.

NP it doesn't require anyone who takes the poll to respond in post. It's to help anyone to figure their own style out etc... it's the self-help forum.

(((hugs))) I, too, prefer the written negotiation.

SeptemberMorn:

I agree with your point, namely, it is not just important to recognize the conflict resolution style that life has given you at this point in life, it is important to learn better ways to resolve conflicts. It might be helpful if you have figured out how you learned better ways...and how you now decide what methods or styles will work with different people or in different situalions. That would be valueable information for all of us. Give it a try.

drclay

Dr Clay, right now I'm not too sure of any of my capabilities to resolve any dispute... but one thing I do is to try and find the FACTS of a situation. It is unfortunate that often digging up the facts also involves the ppl who are associated with those facts and this breeds defensiveness and accusations of fault-finding.

_Sky:

You have pulled together a lot of information about conflict resolutions. I hate to add more information to your reading list...but I do have a skill in Chapter 8 that may suggest a somewhat different way to find solutions. If you have time, tell me what you think.

drclay

I agree that the goal is not to eliminate conflict. I have heard that in a relationship where there are no fights, it is not a healthy relationship because someone's needs are not being expressed. Here, we also need to be able to express our needs and have them acknowleged and accepted, even though we are often not going to all agree.

We tend to ask why everybody can't just get along. I guess that would be asking someone to stop expressing their needs because someone else is going to disagree. But what I wonder is why we can't see that we are all more alike than we are different. We can find the common ground and meet there, and accept that we don't agree on everything.

I guess that I am a negotiator, and I think that style has some advantages, although I can see advantages in some of the other styles also.

Rap

I'm from NZ which is known to be a country of diplomats and negotiators

:-)
:-)
:-)

Thanks for posting that Dr Clay, as I had it linked in my posting but had such trouble with cut and paste and keep on that post that I lost everything several times. It doesn't look like the way I wanted it in the first place. The link to your chapter 8 was accidently dropped. (This IS your forum, for links to that etc... and I tried to link it )

Anyway, yes, I think if members wish to work on this, you are the man!

_Sky:

I am thankful that you gave me a link to your post. I think it could have taken me so long to fine it that I would have given up. But I wanted to tell you that I have been impressed with the work you have done to get this forum thinking about how to resolve conflicts. Your leadership has been apparent since I came aboard. And I consider it something to be encouraged and valued.

Because of time pressures, you will see that I prefer to refer to reading material (mine and others') rather than typing here the points I make in my book. My material is just easier for me to locate, but it is not always the best material and doesn't cover all topics. So, I like the material and ideas you bring in. I'd encourage others to do likewise. Groups are best when all members are "leaders" or "teachers," I think.

So, I wondered if I had given the impression that I wanted to lead this forum when I read your last line: "Anyway, yes, I think if members wish to work on this, you are the man! " One teacher is not the best...and besides I don't have the time, especially considering I have Chapters 8, 9, and 10 to update and considering I am starting a new series of treatments for prostate cancer tomorrow morning.

I hope you and others will encourage posters to become teachers of helping skills. I'll help and give encouragement.

drclay

Rap:

We seem to see things in about the same way. See Conflict Resolution starting on page 61 in Chapter 13. Like most of my stuff, it is long. How do you like it?

dr clay

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Sharing Self-Help Ideas
A place to learn, try-out, and share new self-help ideas, based upon the book, Psychological Self-Help by Dr. Clay Tucker-Ladd.

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It's yours whether you want it or not???

I'll post the links to your book that refer to this topic, for those interested.

Good wishes to you, and strong energy too, for this time ahead.

I think this covers much of what ppl might wish to read?

Chapter13 - page 61 of 104Conflict Resolution or Negotiation. Conflict resolution: the "win-win" or "no lose" method of. settling disagreements. Every relationship has conflicts. ...
www.psychologicalselfhelp.org/Chapter13/chap13_61.html

Chapter10 - page 37 of 167activities, conflict resolution, financial management, parenting, etc. ... communication, decision-making, and conflict resolution skills, prepare ...
www.psychologicalselfhelp.org/Chapter10/chap10_37.html

Chapter13 - page 62 of 104 Current thinking is that people have these conflict resolution. styles:. 1. Avoiding or denying the conflict. Such a person hopes the. problem will go away. ...
www.psychologicalselfhelp.org/Chapter13/chap13_62.html

Chapter13 - page 2 of 104 conflict-resolution skills, reasoning skills and lots of others. Although. aptitude for learning these many skills varies greatly, each of us must ...
www.psychologicalselfhelp.org/Chapter13/chap13_2.html

Psychological Self-Help: Chapter 7: Anger and Aggression - page 13 ...and individually coping with an angry person and (2) conflict resolution within. families, ethnic and religious groups, work organizations, and especially ...
www.psychologicalselfhelp.org/Chapter7/chap7_13.html

Chapter10 - page 51 of 167communication skills (chapter 13), conflict resolution skills (chapter. 13), compatible personality, agreement on values and religion (chapter ...
www.psychologicalselfhelp.org/Chapter10/chap10_51.html

Chapter13 - page 72 of 104 references in conflict resolution, not research-proven techniques. They are the best ideas we have at this time. Several problems and common misconceptions ...
www.psychologicalselfhelp.org/Chapter13/chap13_72.html

ContentsConflict Resolution or Negotiation · Table 13.1: Guidelines for tough bargaining · Decision Making and Problem Solving ...
www.psychologicalselfhelp.org/Chapter13/

Chapter10 - page 28 of 167problem-solving and conflict resolution ability. See chapters 13 and 14. for many of these skills. Love doesn't just sit there, like a stone, ...
www.psychologicalselfhelp.org/Chapter10/chap10_28.html

Psychological Self-Help: Chapter 7: Anger and Aggression - page ...Second is teaching conflict resolution techniques which are. important skills for all of us to know (see method #10 in chapter 13). Training ...
www.psychologicalselfhelp.org/Chapter7/chap7_104.html

Chapter13 - page 61 of 104Conflict Resolution or Negotiation. Conflict resolution: the "win-win" or "no lose" method of. settling disagreements. Every relationship has conflicts. ...
www.psychologicalselfhelp.org/Chapter13/chap13_61.html

Chapter10 - page 37 of 167activities, conflict resolution, financial management, parenting, etc. ... communication, decision-making, and conflict resolution skills, prepare ...
www.psychologicalselfhelp.org/Chapter10/chap10_37.html

Chapter13 - page 62 of 104Current thinking is that people have these conflict resolution. styles:. 1. Avoiding or denying the conflict. Such a person hopes the. problem will go away. ...
www.psychologicalselfhelp.org/Chapter13/chap13_62.html

Chapter13 - page 2 of 104conflict-resolution skills, reasoning skills and lots of others. Although. aptitude for learning these many skills varies greatly, each of us must ...
www.psychologicalselfhelp.org/Chapter13/chap13_2.html

Psychological Self-Help: Chapter 7: Anger and Aggression - page 13 ...and individually coping with an angry person and (2) conflict resolution within. families, ethnic and religious groups, work organizations, and especially ...
www.psychologicalselfhelp.org/Chapter7/chap7_13.html

Chapter10 - page 51 of 167communication skills (chapter 13), conflict resolution skills (chapter. 13), compatible personality, agreement on values and religion (chapter ...
www.psychologicalselfhelp.org/Chapter10/chap10_51.html

Chapter13 - page 72 of 104references) in conflict resolution, not research-proven techniques. They are the best ideas we have at this time. Several problems and common misconceptions ...
www.psychologicalselfhelp.org/Chapter13/chap13_72.html

ContentsConflict Resolution or Negotiation · Table 13.1: Guidelines for tough bargaining · Decision Making and Problem Solving ...
www.psychologicalselfhelp.org/Chapter13/

Chapter10 - page 28 of 167problem-solving and conflict resolution ability. See chapters 13 and 14. for many of these skills. Love doesn't just sit there, like a stone, ...
www.psychologicalselfhelp.org/Chapter10/chap10_28.html

Psychological Self-Help: Chapter 7: Anger and Aggression - page ...Second is teaching conflict resolution techniques which are. important skills for all of us to know (see method #10 in chapter 13). Training ...
www.psychologicalselfhelp.org/Chapter7/chap7_104.html

Chapter10 - page 37 of 167activities, conflict resolution, financial management, parenting, etc. ... communication, decision-making, and conflict resolution skills, prepare ...
www.psychologicalselfhelp.org/Chapter10/chap10_37.html

Chapter13 - page 62 of 104Current thinking is that people have these conflict resolution. styles:. 1. Avoiding or denying the conflict. Such a person hopes the. problem will go away. ...
www.psychologicalselfhelp.org/Chapter13/chap13_62.html -

Chapter13 - page 2 of 104conflict-resolution skills, reasoning skills and lots of others. Although. aptitude for learning these many skills varies greatly, each of us must ...
www.psychologicalselfhelp.org/Chapter13/chap13_2.html

Psychological Self-Help: Chapter 7: Anger and Aggression - page 13 ...and individually coping with an angry person and (2) conflict resolution within. families, ethnic and religious groups, work organizations, and especially ...
www.psychologicalselfhelp.org/Chapter7/chap7_13.html

Chapter10 - page 51 of 167communication skills (chapter 13), conflict resolution skills (chapter. 13), compatible personality, agreement on values and religion (chapter ...
www.psychologicalselfhelp.org/Chapter10/chap10_51.html

Chapter13 - page 72 of 104references) in conflict resolution, not research-proven techniques. They are the best ideas we have at this time. Several problems and common misconceptions ...
www.psychologicalselfhelp.org/Chapter13/chap13_72.html

ContentsConflict Resolution or Negotiation · Table 13.1: Guidelines for tough bargaining · Decision Making and Problem Solving ...
www.psychologicalselfhelp.org/Chapter13/

Chapter10 - page 28 of 167problem-solving and conflict resolution ability. See chapters 13 and 14. for many of these skills. Love doesn't just sit there, like a stone, ...
www.psychologicalselfhelp.org/Chapter10/chap10_28.html

Psychological Self-Help: Chapter 7: Anger and Aggression - page ...Second is teaching conflict resolution techniques which are. important skills for all of us to know (see method #10 in chapter 13). Training ...
www.psychologicalselfhelp.org/Chapter7/chap7_104.html