[wi_fighter]

I searched for this and didn't have any luck, so forgive me if this is an old subject.

My ex always uses me as his free babysitter when he wants to socialize, go on business trips, fishing trips, etc. when these things happen during his scheduled visitation.

I always feel obligated, as the mother, to say yes, even though he refuses to reimburse me in any way. (He also doesn't pay child support). He won't even send money along for the extra food they'll eat while they're here. His excuse is always "I'm broke. I don't have any money on me. I don't have my checkbook on me." There's an ATM 50 yards away from my house, he refuses to go get cash.

I also work from home, so it's an imposition on my work schedule (and lord knows I have a hard enough time keeping myself on task, let alone with kids bugging me all the time).

I don't trust his choice of babysitters if I say I can't watch them, so I say I'll do it and them fume with anger the entire time.

In four years of this, I have gotten EXACTLY $55. $50 when he went to Colorado for five days on business and $5 during four weeks of summer school and the kids came here from noon until about 6:00 every day for two of those four weeks. Extremely generous, isn't he? In all fairness, he did work on my computer last year in the interim between girlfriends because he didn't have anyone nagging him about conversing with or helping out his ex.

So, how do I say no, or else demand that he pay up? I hate confronting this guy, because he always comes off with some *seemingly* viable reason for not being able to cover the expenses he'd have to cover if I wasn't watching the kids on his time. But his claims of being too broke to pay for food are because what's he doing when he's gone? Going bowling or fishing with his buddies and drinking mass quantities of beer.

you are reminding me of the old saying about someone doing something to you that is unpleasant or hurts or embarrasses you...etc. etc....."first time, his fault".."second time, my fault".......Shirley you keep asking us how to do things that only you can do...if I could come there, I wouldn't tell your ex that you have to have spending money for the children...only you can do that. I can say this, you don't ask him, you tell him. When is your next mediation??? I can support you, emotionally, but you're going to have to dig yourself out of the hole that you partially helped him dig....I am feeling really gloomy about being so "up front" with you, but I know that you know what to do...you just don't want to do it.......if my memory serves me right, you've posted about this before....babycakes, I hope you quit being his doormat and get up off you *** and show him that you aren't taking that **** anymore.......k?
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxpat p.s. don't go jumping, me, everyone.....Shirley expected this answer when she started this thread.......

[wi_fighter]

Pat.

No, I didn't start this one before. This one is specifically asking how to set boundaries. The other one was just venting.

I'm put out as much by the imposition on my time as anything. It's usually at the last minute with a sugary "This won't interrupt your schedule, will it?" knowing full well that it will.

I have NO clue how to put my foot down and keep it there. I HAVE told him to send along money and he refuses. So, I have to start saying no to his requests for my time, even though it's going to be hell wondering how the kids are being treated by one of his drinking buddies.

No matter how uncomfortable it is, it's so much easier to be his doormat than a salivating pit pull to keep him at a safe distance from my head and my checkbook.

Maybe you PMed me about the $ issues.....the point is, you have the RIGHT to have some extra $ to help care for the kids.....and I know the toughlove thing is upsetting.....but, you deserve something that you're not getting.....respect from that sorry *** and girl, you won't get it, as long as he is in charge.........xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxopat

[jmo531]

((((((((((((((((((((WI))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I understand. Dealing with the ex's about everyday issues is hard enough. Then to try to get money out of them. Forget it. They think you owe them. This is a hard process. For you, you have been catering to him for so long that you probably dont really know how to stand up to him the way you should. I think that you shouls see a T about this. I know you said financially you couldnt do it but you can seek services through the county where you live on a sliding fee basis. That's what I do and I think they are doing a good job. Once you can see a therapist and unload all that you have been bottling up inside it's going to be much easier for you to stand up for yourself and tell him what he needs to do.
I know it's difficult. I really do, but your a fighter and you will come out of this OK. I promise. LUV YA!!!!!

[Wants2Fly]

Hello WI -- Here's what I do when I don't want to talk with someone for any reason -- I let my answering machine screen my calls.

If anyone complains, I say that I (a) had the phone shut off while I was sleeping and forgot to turn it back on or (b) was in the bathroom or (c) "couldn't get to the phone" if it is a business contact or (d) sorry I missed your call with no explanation if a business contact or (e) had just stepped out for a moment.

I also find that calling business contacts back, instead of answering the phone, allows me to gather my thoughts so that when I talk with them, I am prepared and handle it the way I want to. If I answer the phone, I may be expecting one person to call and it is another person. This can throw me off.

In sum, if you are using your home phone for business purposes, there are many perfectly acceptable explanations for letting the phone pick up and calling the contact back. Not answering the phone gets you off the hook with the X. It also means that you don't have to make excuses that the kids could interpret as you "not wanting" them.

OK, so maybe I am coward about handling conflict and setting boundaries.

[Lilypad]

It's such a bummer that you have to go through that. You could try reading _Boundaries_ by John Townsend
or you could tell him you'd like to help, but you're going to be out of town yourself (then close all the curtains, or actually take a little trip)

You could ask your lawyer to see if you can up the child support $$. I doubt if you'll get $$ from him otherwise.

It's obvious that you just want what's best for the kids. Good luck.

[barbiedoll]

Man, I thought I was reading my bio. When I got divorced my ex convinced me not to file thru the state for child support. So I did not. He gets married and decides he needs to do less not counting the fact that he left me with bills to pay and of course paying for the kids. Well finally I got feed up with nagging for money all the time. Which he still has not paid by the way. But by turning it over to the state I no longer have to be a bill collector and it is no longer an issue for me. It is now in someone's hands and I don't seem to resent everything he does when it comes to spending money. I know one day the state will catch up to him and he will have to pay up. But by having a third party it took more stress off of me than I realized. I thought by filing on him he would take it out on the kids but he did not. In fact he was so mad at me he spent quality time with them to get back at me. I think that backfired on him. I want my kids to have a relationship with their dad. That is their dad. You really should consider having someone else handle the child support issue. There are several agencies that work with you. They do charge a fee but there is allot to be said for piece of mind.