[laformigueta]

Hi people!
My "problem" is quite common in our society, I think, but this time I'm the affected one and I'm really having a very bad time. 3 years ago I moved to another city in Spain for reasons of work. The company gives us the possibility to do language classes (english in this case) during our work-time and I decided to do it. I joined a really kind class-group of persons (3 man and 1 woman). There are lots of details but there's no time now to explain everything. The thing is that this woman is married and she's got 1 chid. Theorially it was a perfect couple. The time passed and that girl and I, We falled in love the one with each other. We have had our "private" moments, probably because we didn't realized about what we were doing but the facts are there and what it's done, it's done. In june this year, I went on holidays with my girlfriend hoping to come back pretty soon in order to see her (my colleague) again and keep on with our "secret" relationship. But during my absence she put in order her ideas and she decided to stop with our "game". I really thought that she felt about me something similiar to what I feel about her, but I didn't count on that she has a husband and a 3 years old baby. How could I compete with that?? I know, I was completely blind, probably because love is blind. We are trying right now to be just good friends but it's getting so difficult to me. I'm completely in love with her and I don't know what to do. In some moments I would prefer to be dead because of the deep pain I feel inside. If someone wants and can help me I am completely ready to give more details and/or answer any question. Thanks in advande to everyone.

[kvinneakt]

There are some really good reasons to transfer to or find a new job. This is one of those reasons.

[laformigueta]

I've thought about that too. Unfotunately there isn't much jobs round here of this areaand thankgod I have a goob job at this moment. So, thank you for your advice but right now that's not possible.

[kvinneakt]

She has made it clear what her directions are. I think you already know what you need to do. It sounds like your real concern now is whether or not you should be in relationship with your girl friend. Perhaps she is not the right one for you.

Life dealt you a couple hands that looked good, but they did not play out well. You loose a few chips. You move on. It is going to happen. Again and again.

How have you coped with disappointment in the past?

What can you apply to this situation?

What new can you learn?

How can this event teach you to cope with future problems?

[heidu]

You have no choice but to move on. She has decided that her marriage and child are more important. A family often wins out over an affair and it should. Unfortunetaly alot of damage has already been done. Being friends really isn't an option because that will only get you in more trouble or make the situation harder.
You played a game you shouldn't be playing and you lost.
I think kvinneakt is right. Look at your relationship with your girlfriend. You have a choice to either put your focus on that or move on. It's not fair on her and I imagine you have been neglecting her. She doesn't deserve that.
Heidu

Every path to a new understanding begins in confusion- Mason Cooley

[heatherm]

Hello there and welcome

I would focus on you and your girlfriend right now. I think it would be best to keep your relationship with this woman as a working relationship and that is all. You should respect her decision as I am sure that she wants to focus on that herself.

This is a great time to learn and grow from what happened. You realize that it was wrong and that is a huge step to take. Learn from that and see how you can apply that to your life. You didn't say your age so I am assuming that you are young? Let this be a chance for you to focus on you and not repeat this again in your life. I am not saying it was wrong or a mistake as there were 2 willing parties involved....all I am saying is that you learned from it and to move on.
Good for you to recognize it and to reach out for advice from others.

Take care
Hugs
Heather

<font color=blue>The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way </font color=blue>

[SeptemberMorn]

Hi there. One of the first things I think about when something like this happens is "Is it really Love or is it infatuation, the excitement of something new or clandestine, or just sexual feelings?" All of these feelings can and are readily confused with Love. Could your pain possibly be a wounded ego (your masculine pride) from the rejection?

If I understood right, the class you are taking was a part of your job. Is there a possibility to drop the class for now and take it later on when your emotions are more under control?

At any rate, this woman has called a stop to what she calls "a game." The best thing to do is forget her, even though it will be difficult, and move on with your life. These things can be just as painful as losing Love but only if you allow them to be.

My best to you.

<font color=blue>This above all: To thine own self be true. --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

[laformigueta]

Dear all, first of everything thank you very much for your support, comments and advices. They made me think a lot about things I already knew but that I didn't want to admit.
kvinneakt, you maybe are right and my girlfriend is not the right woman for me. But listen to this. She came with me when I was moved to my new work place because she loves me. Things haven't been easy since we are here living together but even we are arguing the most of time she is the only thing I have here and I am the only thing she has here too. Our families are 100 km far away and we cannot go there everytime we would like to. We have talked about that and we are trying pretty hard to make things go well but it's not easy. I know that life hides lots of surprises to all of us but we are living in the present and not in the future and it's very hard to answer to your questions because now I can only think about her (my married woman). I can learn that this is and will be the one and only time that this will happen to me. It's not much but it is more than nothing.
Heidu, you probably are righ in all your words but it's not easy to focus on my girlfriend when that other woman is always in my mind. A lot of days, when I wake up and I just open my eyes she is there, in my mind. The fact is that I understand perfectly her reasons. She has a beautiful family and I honestly know that it is normal that she has taken that choice. But in the other hand it's me. She knows that I'm very affected and depressed about this issue. She told me "I'm sorry because I know I hurted you a lot" some times, so we are aware about the problem. But I can't stop thinking about her. You should have seen or listen any of the e-mails or letters or conversations we used to have. We were really in love. Both!! ...I never could imagine that things would go like this.
heatherm, do you thing that I'm not respecting her decission or at least trying?? you're worng if you think that. But what it's also sure is that I can't live without her around me, in any way, right now. Two months have passed since she told me to stop our affair and I promise I've been trying as hard as I can to stop thinking about her as a woman and think about her as a colleague again. But that is not possible. I just can't. I'm quite better now compared to the beginning but the time is passing and I don't see a big improvement. That's getting me quite nervous too because I would like to feel myself better and I don't. I'm 30 and she's 31. I'm aware about what we have done. It's clear that it was a mistake but just recognizing that is not enough to me. I can't be like this.
SeptemberMorn, I won't lie to you. Although we never made love because she was very afraid about taking that step I can assure you that it is love what there is between us, and specially a hard sexual attraction. She is now auto-denying it because of her choice but I know that it is still there. It's impossible to dissapear from night to day. Our falling in love was progressive and inconscient, none of us wanted this to happen. Anyway you are right in one thing, in part I feel quite rejected and that is very painful.
To all, I just want to feel good. I don't want to keep this pain inside. I just want to feel like in the beginning.

[laformigueta]

look at my last post!!

[SeptemberMorn]

I've read your last post about three of four times trying to figure out what it is you want me to understand. Yes, I see you have been giving some serious thought to your situation and yes, I see where there may be some movement on your part. I understand completely how you feel because I have felt that way myself several times in my life. It hurts like the devil and you think you can't go on living especially when things around you aren't going well, but guess what? You have to make up your mind to the facts, talk to yourself about it and the pain will ease. You will make it, you will live without your married woman. It will take time to get past this but you can make time your friend.

It must be more difficult for you to get over this woman when you have the exact opposite waiting for you at home. The best thing for you is to do the best you can for your girlfriend. It is not up to you to make her better. It's completely up to her, whether she wants to right now or not. It's her choice. Your choice is to decide how to help your girlfriend. If I was your mother or grandmother, I would tell you "Send her home with specific instructions to get pscychological help, then take care of yourself! You need the woman that you will spend the rest of your life with to be free of all encumberments and already be physically and mentally healthy and the both of you should agree on what you hold most dear in your life. She should already be what you want in a woman. It's not your place to try and make her into the woman you want nor is it her place to try to change you!" Then I would give you a hug, pat you on the back, give you a kiss and tell you "Now, go live your life, mijo!"

<font color=blue>This above all: To thine own self be true. --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

[heidu]

You said your girlfriend and you are living in the present and trying to make things work as best you can. She isn't living in the present because she doesn't realize whats going on. You aren't dealing with things the best you can when your heart is somewhere else.
I moved to another country to be with my husband. He didn't want to marry me but did anyway because he didn't want to hurt me. He realized that he hurt me so much more because of his actions and words after we married.
If your trying not to hurt your girlfriend because she moved with you I understand that, maybe you feel obligated to her but at the same time you are wasting her time and being very dishonest and disloyal to her. Does she deserve that? Maybe you won't have anyone else if you lose her but she doesn't have anyone either, not even you now. Think about that.
Heidu

Every path to a new understanding begins in confusion- Mason Cooley