Trying to Get Husband to Understand...

My husband of 6 years (we've been together 12, have two daughters 9 and 6) is adrift in a sea of estrogen and aboard an ADD ship. While he has his own issues and knows it, he has a hard time understand the girls and myself.

Quick rundown, I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression at 16 (34 now), a couple of years later Panic/Anxiety Disorder and most recently Inattentive ADHD. Our oldest is diagnosed Inattentive ADHD and we strongly suspect our youngest is ADHD/ODD. We are having the youngest evaluated.

While he will claim to understand, he doesn't seem to make an effort to actually understand. He gets angry (usually preceeded by confusion, which goes right to anger) I KNOW this is all hard on him. It took him YEARS to not get mad when I had a panic attack. He was helpless to help me so he'd go to...you guessed it...anger. My ADHD Coach has recommended a book for him about understanding and living with people with ADHD when you yourself do not. I don't know if he'll read it. He tends to take our symptoms personally. I am doing my best to reseach, get help and learn how to function better so that I can teach the girls, but it's hard when I don't know if I will have to walk on eggshells when I get home. And if he is in a good mood, but I haven't had time to guage that and do the eggshell walk, he gets mad.

I don't mean to paint him as an ogre. I know he is coping the best way he can and that he has his own issues. We are in Family Therapy, with the oldest daughter seeing the therapist alone and he and I seeing her together. Our last appointment, I got 12 years of resentment crashing down on my head. He's taught me that even when he says "it's ok", it may or will be used against me later. I don't expect him to be perfect, and I expect him to be upset. But how can I help him understand and support him when he isn't willing to understand?

Communication..communication...communication...

That means asking the right questions and truely listening...

You know that his anger is fear,,fear of what he doesn't understand,,what he can't control...

Make him understand that it is OK for him to be afraid,,we all are,,,that these are challenging issues and they can be overcome a little at a time,,one day at a time...

Fear is the enemy here,,,everything else are adjectives...

I applaud you for your outward care when dealing with such personal issues...

Your children have a great Mom.....and Dad...

Lenny

(((theotterone)))
My husband can be an angry man too. I have done my fair share of walking on eggshells during our 10 years together.

Our childhood experiences are so similar and I have learned that frequently in women anger turned inward = depression and self blame
In men (they want to "fix" things) the depression is anger turned outward they want to blame others.

Be patient and love him. My H recently got back on his antidepressant meds and he has been so much better.

Thank you both! I should have mentioned (and not sure if it's relevent other than it may explain some of my own resentment) that 3 1/2 years ago he walked in and announced we were getting a divorce, in front of our daughters. We got to the point where we had worked everything out (child support, visitation, etc.) and would only need to see a court moderator to make sure everything was legal. He then decided to stay. I did put my foot down and said if he ever threatened to leave again, even if it was said in the heat of the moment, he had better be ready to go because his stuff would be out on the lawn. I wasn't going to live with the uncertainty of him coming or going, and I wasn't going to let the girls live that way either.

I know he has valid reasons for being upset or angry or depressed, and I have never denied him that. I guess what is hard for me is it's like playing a chess game blind. How am I supposed to know what move to make when I can't see his moves or the board? I try to give him information to help him understand this isn't a personal attack on him. It just seems like I am hitting the same wall and not getting anywhere...

I totally understand that!!! My H...after saying he was going to leave (just like after most arguments) threw his ring in our pond!!! He was mad because I wouldn't marry him until he quit treating me like dog doo. I finally had enough and told him he knew where the door was...locked the bedroom door and told him I expected him to be gone when I got home from work (that was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do and I swear it would have broken my heart if he would have left).... He was still here when I got home and I told him that if he ever said he was leaving again...well....he was. We had one of our best conversations after that. That was 8 years ago (and many, many arguments ago) but he has not done that again...why??? because I meant it. We have been married for 3 years now. He respects me.

So much of your post sounds familiar. The anger, walking on eggshells, your husband doesn't understand your illness.......

When I first married the man I am so in love with now, he and I did not know each other well. What I mean is, we were very much in love, had spent a lot of time talking online and over the phone. But, we had not spent a lot of time together in person. So, the first three or so years of our marriage were...interesting, to say the least.

My husband's way of expressing his opinion was anger. He blew up a lot and raised his voice a lot. I was not used to this. There were lots of tears during that time.

The first time I experienced a significant depression after we were married, he thought I was lazy. He didn't understand my lack of motivation. He thought I simply didn't want to go out with him, or do housework, or cook. He actually asked me why I was being lazy. I was very hurt and told him I wasn't lazy, I was depressed. He didn't understand because he hadn't seen actual clinical depression before.

It took us a long time to work these things out. I do have to say, though, that he has truly tried very, very hard to learn about bipolar illness. He knows that he will never completely understand it because he's never had it. But he is trying. And I love that he's trying. Any time I am not feeling well is still a big inconvenience for him. And I tell him so. But we are always trying to work things out. It's a challenge.

That's what love is supposed to be about. Unconditional..acceptance from both sides..sometimes you have to fight for it and be willing to stand on your own..but..after all that drama...If you are still together...it's worth it.

Thank you all. You help me realize I'm doing the right thing by working on this marriage. After that last thing at the FT, for the first time in years I thought "maybe I need to get a divorce". My sister just went through one and I have seen how it has affected her boys. We all (including our daughters) have so much to deal with right now. I know now that I have the strength to do this. Thank you again! I wish I had found this place long ago, but you can wish in one hand and you know what in the other and see what fills up first! LOL