[lostnbigcity]

I have been dating a man on and off for 9 yrs. I didn't know what kind of family I was getting into until I moved clear across the country to be with him. I love this man with everything I have BUT, I am feeling so sick to my stomach over some of the things I see going on..Him and his family are VERY close ( alittle too close at times) I have panick attacks and everytime I see things going on it makes me feel so sick I can't seem to get over it...I have talked about the things that bother me but he says I'm crazy and nothing is going on...here is my problem..
I have seen him and his sister do things ( kinda flirty to me ) I have seen him rubbing her feet, I have seen him watching her in ways that are alittle too close, she stands in front of him ALOT ( too close ) she stands next to him at kitchen table and reaches across him to reach for food instead of just sitting down . The otherday they were together alone for 6 hrs while I was at home and it made me so sick to think about it. he says Im jealous of her...I actually like her alot but I think Im more jealous of the closeness he gives her ...the only time I get that is when we are alone . once we are out and about with his family around I get no contact from him. I know this is a bad way to feel but my gut tells me to not trust and that angers him..he tells me that is his sister and that is sick ! gets really really mad so that is why I'm here because I hold everything in now ...I don't want to anger him ...but If they do things in front of me what do you think is going on behind my back...neither have been married or have kids and they are up in age ..they both lived at home until they were in thier late 30's . I guess I'm here to just vent because I'm not sure how to feel anymore. I don't want to lose him over this but at the same time I don't want to waste time with someone who is not totally commited to me...9yrs and no commitement , no talk of marriage..He bought me a ring for christmas but never told me what kind of ring and he doesn't wear one ...can someone please tell me what is my problem? thanks for listening .....lostnbigcity

[jerrymichele]

Sorry that you feel so alone. I also find it very strange that he would rub her feet, and whatever else. Maybe a lot of families are like this, but I never came from one. Maybe it's time for you to move on from him. From what I'm reading in your post is that your very disgusited with him. He won't marry you, and he ignores you. On top of the fact that you don't trust him, and you can't be yourself around him. Why settle for him when there are other people who are able to give you the love that you deserve. I'm not you, but if I was in your shoes I would leave. If you live with him I would start saving money to get out, and if you don't live with him then I would just end the relationship right now. If he ask you why just say I need more out of a relationship than what you are giving me.

[AAAAA]

Have you talked to him about where he sees this relationship heading? Nine years is a long time, but without communication the relationship will hit a wall.

I understand your discomfort, most people are not affectionate in that way past a certain age. A few days after my husband I and got married, we went back to his parents house to visit family members still in town from the wedding. His 16 year old cousin was sitting on her father's lap, hanging on him in a way that in my opinion would be more appropriate for a five year old. With my past history it made me sick to my stomach and I thought at the time that there was something wrong with them. But there was nothing untoward going on, they were just an affectionate loving family. It's sad that life has taught us that these things should be a warning signal.

My own children are in the middle, my adult children still kiss me good-bye whether we're in public or private. I've seen people raise their eyebrows when one of my sons (who are all a full foot taller than I) come up and put their arm around me and put their head on my shoulder or stand behind me when I'm doing something and give me a hug for no reason. I can assure you there's nothing inappropriate going on in my house. We're just a loving family.

Holding this all in isn't helping anyone, all it does is increase the resentment that you feel.

[lostnbigcity]

Thank you for listening..I do live with him and everytime I plan to leave he makes it hard for me to do that...I left once and he came for me promising me things would change ( but they didnt) I'm very isolated out here and dont have any friends or any money to go back home......its when Im leaving that he starts showing he cares for alittle while then back to same ol same ol

Some families are like that ! Not many I grant you but some are.

Have you thought of asking him for more commitment ? Ask him to get married and see what happens ?

[jerrymichele]

Personally I would just tell him. If your not happy than by all means tell him. If he gets mad than he will need to get over it. You know my bf doesn't like everything I tell him either, and when I need to tell him something, I'm going to do it weather he likes it or not. Just when you tell him try to say I's instead of you. Like for an example say, I feel like I get ignored when there is a family function. Instead of saying you ignore me when there is a family function. That way your not blamming him, and he might be more willing to listen. That's what I do anyways, and it works for me. Tishie did make a good point about you asking him for a commitment. I do this with my bf also. I just ask him when are we going to get married. Keep posting so that we know how you are doing.

[lostnbigcity]

Hi , He never talks marriage...people call here all the time ( telemarketers) and ask for mrs ? and I say " there isn't one living here " If I try to talk to him about anything I sometimes get ignored for days . I feel like I'm just here to cook,clean,friend with benefits & help him around his house ..but that is as far as its going. He tells me he loves me and wants me in his life but he doesn't show it until it gets bad enough for me to leave. I don't want to leave I just want to feel like I belong ..I think I'm fighting a losing battle.He knows I have nowhere to go & no money to do it with. he doesn't want me to work .

[lostnbigcity]

I would also like to add something ....His sister calls him at work all the time. I NEVER DO unless emergency. She sends him emails and he does her ..I sent him a email but never got reply so I never sent another one. I'm so lost and wish I had friends, family so maybe I wouldn't feel so alone . Thank you again for all your help.

[jerrymichele]

Is there any way that you can work? Some how you need to get some money for yourself and stash it. I feel so bad for you. You have no family at all who will help you. Keep posting.

[jerrymichele]

I hope you don't mind, but I did go back and read all of your threads. Just from reading all of that I think that your bf is very controlling. When he gets upset with you, he runs into the bedroom and with holds his love. I also read where your daughter just had a baby, and he didn't want her over your house. IMO that is really uncalled for. I bet your son is wanting you to leave him so, so bad. Are you able now to go live with your daughter for a little bit until you can get on your feet? As faar as your anxiety you can see if there is a free clinic in your area so that you can get treated for it. I also have anxiety, and I take meds for it. You can be treated for your anxiety. You know if my bf was acting like a child then I would love for him just to stay in the bedroom. You know I would just let that go about the sister and their relationship. He's not going to stop, but I do think that you need to work on getting out of there. You and your son deserve better then this. If you get a job and he gets pissed, then let him get pissed. Start worrying about you, and your son. If you go look for a job, try to get a job on the bus line, so you won't need to ask bf.

[Rhapsody]

IMO - these feelings are more about you and your past than they are about the relationship your bf has with his family... please try to look deeper within your self and find the source of this painful discomfort and put a stop to it - it being the unhealed wound(s) that are and will forever stand in the way of this relationship and every relationship to come unless faced dealt with and healed.

BTW - I speak from experience... ((( hugs )))

[EJ711]

RUN!

EJ

[Seabirdanne]

Jerrymichele sounds very wise to me -- as does EJ711! His relationship with his sister is obviously not the only thing wrong with this relationship, but you can't run until you have someplace to go. Is there someone you could move in with temporarily? If not, find a job and start saving money in a way that he can't get to it. You will know when the time is right, and you can walk out the door to a better life.

[tommy t]

sorry that has happened. go with your gut on this. Sometimes its so clear that we cant believe its real but it is.[quuyote=lostnbigcity;1137542]I have been dating a man on and off for 9 yrs. I didn't know what kind of family I was getting into until I moved clear across the country to be with him. I love this man with everything I have BUT, I am feeling so sick to my stomach over some of the things I see going on..Him and his family are VERY close ( alittle too close at times) I have panick attacks and everytime I see things going on it makes me feel so sick I can't seem to get over it...I have talked about the things that bother me but he says I'm crazy and nothing is going on...here is my problem..
I have seen him and his sister do things ( kinda flirty to me ) I have seen him rubbing her feet, I have seen him watching her in ways that are alittle too close, she stands in front of him ALOT ( too close ) she stands next to him at kitchen table and reaches across him to reach for food instead of just sitting down . The otherday they were together alone for 6 hrs while I was at home and it made me so sick to think about it. he says Im jealous of her...I actually like her alot but I think Im more jealous of the closeness he gives her ...the only time I get that is when we are alone . once we are out and about with his family around I get no contact from him. I know this is a bad way to feel but my gut tells me to not trust and that angers him..he tells me that is his sister and that is sick ! gets really really mad so that is why I'm here because I hold everything in now ...I don't want to anger him ...but If they do things in front of me what do you think is going on behind my back...neither have been married or have kids and they are up in age ..they both lived at home until they were in thier late 30's . I guess I'm here to just vent because I'm not sure how to feel anymore. I don't want to lose him over this but at the same time I don't want to waste time with someone who is not totally commited to me...9yrs and no commitement , no talk of marriage..He bought me a ring for christmas but never told me what kind of ring and he doesn't wear one ...can someone please tell me what is my problem? thanks for listening .....lostnbigcity[/quote]

[beatriz]

I am sorry, you are going tru all of this, it sounds like you are living someone elses life, instead of yours, so this guy manipulates you, controls nyou, and unfortunately, he does that because you allow him, so i would grab the yellow pages, and start dialing numbers, ASAP, start with shelters!!
Good luck!

[susan888]

Don't let him isolate you! You need objective people in your life! In my opinion (and I have been there) that just gives him all the power in the relationship. You can't control how he behaves, but you can do things for yourself and your children. Quit worrying about if you get a job he will be displeased...does he do anything to try to please you? Again, just my opinion, but..I have found the if you refuse to be a doormat then you don't get treated like one. I wish you all the best!!!

[jerrymichele]

Originally Posted by tommy t

sorry that has happened. go with your gut on this. Sometimes its so clear that we cant believe its real but it is.[quuyote=lostnbigcity;1137542]I have been dating a man on and off for 9 yrs. I didn't know what kind of family I was getting into until I moved clear across the country to be with him. I love this man with everything I have BUT, I am feeling so sick to my stomach over some of the things I see going on..Him and his family are VERY close ( alittle too close at times) I have panick attacks and everytime I see things going on it makes me feel so sick I can't seem to get over it...I have talked about the things that bother me but he says I'm crazy and nothing is going on...here is my problem..
I have seen him and his sister do things ( kinda flirty to me ) I have seen him rubbing her feet, I have seen him watching her in ways that are alittle too close, she stands in front of him ALOT ( too close ) she stands next to him at kitchen table and reaches across him to reach for food instead of just sitting down . The otherday they were together alone for 6 hrs while I was at home and it made me so sick to think about it. he says Im jealous of her...I actually like her alot but I think Im more jealous of the closeness he gives her ...the only time I get that is when we are alone . once we are out and about with his family around I get no contact from him. I know this is a bad way to feel but my gut tells me to not trust and that angers him..he tells me that is his sister and that is sick ! gets really really mad so that is why I'm here because I hold everything in now ...I don't want to anger him ...but If they do things in front of me what do you think is going on behind my back...neither have been married or have kids and they are up in age ..they both lived at home until they were in thier late 30's . I guess I'm here to just vent because I'm not sure how to feel anymore. I don't want to lose him over this but at the same time I don't want to waste time with someone who is not totally commited to me...9yrs and no commitement , no talk of marriage..He bought me a ring for christmas but never told me what kind of ring and he doesn't wear one ...can someone please tell me what is my problem? thanks for listening .....lostnbigcity

[/quote]

You know I would feel weird about that too. That rubbing stuff seems a little freaky to me. Maybe it's just me. IMO I think that you need to be able to be yourself in a relationship. So I would probably start weighing out somethings in the relationship. Sometimes love isn't enough. Besides that it's not fair to you to always put all the effort into it. He needs to do his share to. I think with those family gatherings, if it were me I wouldn't go, but that is just me.

[Elysium]

You sound like you are miserable in this relationship!!

Ask yourself, what would have to happen for me to not be miserable? Write it out. Then think about whether each one of the issues is anything you really have any control over.

In my therapy, I have been working a lot lately with the concept that I cannot control what others do or how they respond to me, I can only control myself.

Ultmately, if HE is happy in his relationship with his family, and HE is happy with the way yours and his relationship is going...he has no reason to want to change. HE is happy...and that is all that seems to matter to him. If your feelings mattered at all, he would listen to you and work with you to build a stronger relationship between the two of you.

So, now you have a choice. You can accept the relationship for what it is, if this is good enough for you, and try to be happy. Or, you can move on with your life and start to make yourself happy on your own, or you can continue down this same road of misery and frustration that you have been on for the last nine years.

Yeah, you could marry him...but if you're not happy without the ring, you're never going to be happy with it until you both can commit to each other. And anybody can say the words "I Do", but not everybody will actually mean them.

I wish you well...and keep posting....we'll be here for you no matter what.