I can't do this anymore

I think I'm really hearing that you would like to take the opportunity that moving to go to grad school offers as a way of ending this relationship. I think that is a great idea.

Sometimes the kindest thing to do for someone doesn't appear to be kind. Think of the mother bird pushing her baby out of the nest so it can fly and live it's own life. Freeing him from what appear to be a dependent relationship with you would be very kind and possibly life-changing for him.

Congratulations on your upcoming grad school !

billiej - I never said he was unemployed. He teaches and is finishing his masters degree.

I know he really is trying, its just hard to decide whether its worth waiting for him to change and I don't want to put anymore into it when he wont. But I also don't want to end it and make a mistake that way. I feel like I'm in a catch 22.

I can imagine it would feel like a catch-22.

What about individual therapy for you then, for your feelings about the relationship.
It might even help him see that therapy is a positive and helpful experience.

It is a lot to have going on--grad school, moving, a relationship. Maybe you don't have to make a decision right now about the relationship. You've told him that you aren't sure this is going to work when you begin grad school.
If he goes with you when you move for grad school, then it is with the expressed understanding that you may re-evaluate the relationship and you may decide to not continue it. This expressed understanding, a result of an unhurried discussion, will include what you will expect of him if you choose to not continue the relationship--such as him being prepared to move out in a specific time frame.
This way, you will be giving yourself options that you will have every right to elect to choose.

Hey Saluki,
I dont want to be out of line with my post. If I upset you, I'm truly sorry. But I like you and reading your posts, and I tend to understand where you're coming from with a lot of things you say. I'm a little confused though. I haven't been on the boards in awhile, but when I came back, I saw a lot of posts about your boyfriend -- good and bad. And here's what confuses me, I guess. In one post, you talk about being jealous of someone else making really good food that he enjoyed. In another post you talk about him growing up. From several of those posts, it sounds like you do still want to be with him. And then this one seemed to come out of nowhere. I understand that what he is doing is really frustrating and really inconsiderate. But, you guys only recently moved in together, correct? I'm wondering if you are dealing with a lack of independence you once had from him. As if, moving in together and then promptly assuming the role of mother/wife, you kind of had a mental shock, and you're looking for a way out. And the only way you can think of to get out is to completely end the relationship? I'm not trying to be rude, I promise, just trying to figure out the root of your problem and (to me, sudden) desire to break up with him. You're probably also nearing the end of the "honeymoon" phase of your relationship so things are starting to seem monotonous. I believe talking to him (which you've done) is the best course of action right now, and maybe he'll change. Also, if you go away to grad school, and you dont want him to follow you, perhaps a long distance relationship for awhile. This may help you feel independent, but still have ties to someone you do deeply care about. To me, it seems as if you have invested a lot of time and energy into this relationship, and it's kind of disconcerting to see you just throw it all away. I'm not saying you should put up with any **** he's dishing out, but maybe stick it out for a while long and really try work on it and see if he really is willing to make a change. And hey, if you still dont want to be with him, then don't. But perhaps, give him a chance to show that he cares about you, before one of you has to go through the "I didn't know what I had until it was gone" business.

I really hope that you didn't find me offensive in anyway.
Best wishes ,
Ro

I haven't thought about it that way. I guess that makes sense because I am a very independent person and it does kind of weird me out when I come home and he is always there. I do like having my own space.

I am going to try and work through it. He has changed a lot and I know that. The hardest part is letting of the last few months where he has been insensitive and, well pretty much a jerk. Its hard to see a week of change and forget about everything else but I know that's not fair to him either.

We are working on it and I talked him into seeing a counselor with me. When I get back in town Monday we are going to make an appt. so we'll see how it goes.

That's great, Saluki! I really hope everything works out. If after you give it the 'ole college try' and things still aren't making you happy, then move on. But at least you can say to yourself you tried.

Best wishes

Ro

So some interesting things transpired.....

I went to Georgia for a couple interviews with grad profs and while I was there I was talking to my friend. Well....we were texting and I sent "I think I might break up with Dave".....well....guess who I accidentally sent it to. Yeah. You got it.

So of course he called flipping out and saying he was done etc... Well once it surfaced that it might actually be over I kinda flipped. It was like a realization that I'm really NOT ready for it to be over because the second I realized what I did when i hit 'send' I felt my heart drop into my feet.

We talked/yelled/argued for about 1.5 hours and came to a conclusion. He realized that I really wasn't going to stick around if things kept up like they have been. I also realized that he really does do a lot of stuff for me that I take for granted. So I came home yesterday and the entire house was spotless. Everything that was cluttered had been taken out to the storage unit and there were flowers on the coffee table. He even cleaned out the kitty litter box while I was gone (which I don't think he has ever done before). He did ALL the laundry and all the dishes.

And we have talked more since I got home and I think that was kind of a good mistake I made. It made him realize that he was taking me for granted and vise versa. Since then (this happened friday) he has been a lot more patient and a lot less hot headed. We'll see how it goes but since we both got everything out in the open it has been awesome. I know that both of us had things we needed to say and I think that finally did it. So even though I can't believe I did that on accident, I'm kind of glad it happened.

This is not a healthy mature relationship. In a mature an healthy relationship communication is direct.

Threatening with breaking up by send a text is cruel. I don't think it was completely an accident.

I was not threatening him. It was an accident. And I thought that people came to this forum to work on communication so obviously I know there is a problem. Maybe it isn't the 'most mature' but at least I'm smart enough to see that.

You're telling me that you don't bottle up emotions sometimes and you are complete direct 100% of the time with your significant other? I'm sorry but that's just not possible.

Saluki,
I'm proud of you for taking a possibly devastating mistake and turning it into something positive in your relationship. Hopefully this will help aid communication in the future now that you know you two can talk and work through things. Communication is tough and there is NO ONE who can communicate completely or perfectly 100% of the time.


Best wishes,
Ro

Thanks Roman. That helps. I know that I'm only 22 and he is only 26 so I don't expect us to have a totally "mature" relationship. Not to mention we have both been burned pretty bad in the past and it's hard to get rid of that baggage, which we're both trying to do. We have talked about the fact that relationships are about growing and learning new things about ourselves and each other so I didn't really want to just give up, I was just in the middle of things and felt like I might explode. Same thing with the text. It was hard for him to understand that I didn't necessarily mean "I'm done with him this instant" and that it was like whenever he is frustrated and screams something he doesn't mean 2 seconds later.

Thus far, only a couple weeks later of course, we are both holding up our end of the 'bargain'. Like I said before, we're just taking things one day at a time right now and hoping that it works out for the best.

I think my post must have sounded in a way it wasn't intended.
I apologize if my reply seemed disprespectful. It wasn't meant to be.

Thanks Echoes. I appreciate that. Sorry if mine came across that way also. I was just kind of upset that you thought I did it on purpose.

No, I was really just thinking out loud, exploring what was going on.

saluki, i remember when you first started dating this guy and were posting about him. you were so crazy about each other and seemed to really click. maybe you guys need some time to just have fun together again. you've both been working hard in your relationship lately and you deserve some fun and romance too.

...or >>... there is a touch of dependant personality disorder brewing ...

saluki ? How long have you at such a young age gone without being in a relationship ?

waits for reply , before delving deeper ,,,,,,.

WMD.

Honestly, WMD, not long. I was with a guy for 3.5 years and then we broke up in March 2008 and I was single until September which isn't long. And I started dating Dave in January (my ex and I were only together a few months - both admitted to using the other as a rebound). And the weird thing is that I feel like I really would like to be single and I like living by myself and going out with my girl friends without worrying about a boyfriend but I really liked him. And he moved a lot faster than I wanted to but that's the kind of person he is.

We have kind of talked about splitting in May and just seeing what happens. I feel like I need a while of just being me and by myself and doing what I want to do when I want to do it. And today I told him that my education is top priority to me so I'm not going to put that on hold to deal with his issues. And I have said several times that I am thinking about whether I can deal with this or not. Right now I am applying to grad schools and fellowships and doing my own research project so I'm to the point where when we fight I just give up and don't really care because it's not worth the energy.

I can definitely see the dependency but more with him than me. I try to go to the bars with my friends and he will get mad when I say I want to go alone. And he gets mad when he goes back home for the weekend and I say that I'd rather stay here and have a relaxing weekend to myself. Or I try to go to the mall by myself just to walk around and have some alone time but he'll get upset if I don't ask him to go. It is really hard trying to find time to be alone so sometimes I end up just staying in the lab doing work til late at night just so I can have some time alone. That's the reason I got out of my 3.5 year long relationship because I couldn't do anything by myself - he was attached at my hip.

And he is starting to. When I first met him he had a ton of friends and always had someone to go out with if I weren't around. Now he has basically one friend. My friends haven't decreased but his have. He just kind of stopped talking to them. Even with me saying "why aren't you hanging out with...." or "don't you want to go out with....". I don't know. He just doesn't seem to care much that I'm pretty much his only friend now. I would love for him to go out with other people without me and to have fun with others but he has pretty much cut out all his friends since we started dating.

saluki ,,, you explained it well >>..sounds like ya have another hip-attachment ,,, LOL . And with you having good life direction sense ,, ya may want to hold off on the hip-replacement thingy ..

Ok , I stop with the levity ,, 'cept to say , " You must be one awesome young Lady " ..

So ,,, do ya really want to wait till May , when the distance thng will provide a possible way out ? [ If that be what you are wanting ? ]

WMD.

saluki, you are so wise for your years. And you have very healthy ideas about good relationships and about what you want for yourself. I applaud you for wanting more, for wanting relationships with friends as well. Live life to the fullest

Thanks to both of you. I understand where he is coming from and why he would attach himself to me so easily but it's hard to talk to him about wanting time alone and to have him understand. I think it's just something that needs to be worked out over time. I feel like if I tell him that I need some alone time or anything like that, that, to him, equals "I don't love you anymore" and I'm not sure how to make him see that they are not one in the same.