Very long rant about I don't know what

My husband and I have taken many people in need into our home over the years. The last one in particular nearly ripped our marriage apart. This girl had been a friend of my daughter's since the third grade. She spent the night at our house several times a week, every week from Jr. High on. She officially moved in full time before her sophmore year of high school.

Now if I'm brutally honest, I never really liked this girl. I always felt sorry for her because her parents should have never had children let alone the dozen they had between them with different people. This girl is manipulative, ungrateful, disrespectful and just one of those people that will take advantage of you and suck you dry and move on.

Each time I got up the courage to say that this situation wasn't working out for any of us, something happened. About 6 months after she moved in her mother committed suicide. Now in the 8 years I'd known her she had no contact with her mother, but this was still a shock. I could not ask her to leave during this difficult time.

She had the same basic rules and expectations as my own kids 1) go to school 2) behave in school and do your homework 3) let me know where you are. I never fully understood why she wanted to live here. She lived with her father and grandmother and had absolutely no rules. We had to implement a new rule 4) no tatoos or piercings without permission because she was underaged and went to someone's garage and got a ring in her lip, he hit a major vein so not only would it not stop bleeding, but in was severely infected.

She could have had a bright future if she had put the slightest bit of effort in. She stopped following the rules toward the end of her senior year, she stopped going to school and would disappear for days at a time. Initially I tried to reason with her, she belonged to the local Indian Tribe and they were willing to pay for her expenses to go to a special alternative school that focused more on the arts and pay her tuition and living expenses to go to the Art Institute she had shown an interest in.

She choose just to quit school. I wasn't happy but she was 18 and there was nothing I could do about it. She didn't even do this responsibly, instead of notifiying the liason at the Tribe that she wasn't going to attend the school, she allowed them to pay her tuition and just decided not to go. When she stopped coming home or letting us know where she was going I just could not deal with the situation anymore and asked her to leave.

She moved out of the area but returned about a month ago, eight months pregnant. She gave birth a few days ago, my daughter came home from college for the weekend (because the girl went into labor/delivery early) and discussing things and made the comment that this girl viewed me as her mother even before her mother died. Knowing my love of children in general, my daughter volunteered me to watch the baby when I'm off and she goes back to work.

I do not want to get sucked into this situation again. The baby was born 8 weeks early and is still in the hospital an hour an half away. She can stay at a Ronald McDonald type facility free of charge to be with her baby and her friends raised money so she could have some cash in her pocket while there, but she's not there. She's here, going to parties and lunch with her friends. I know that I'm being a judgemental ***, but the majority of her family (such as it is) lives in that town so it's not even that she'd be there alone. I've had a sick baby, and there was nothing on earth that was going to seperate me from that child.

I'm really worried. My husband has always had a soft spot in his heart for this girl and no matter what she did, he always excused her behavior because she was "raised by wolves." He really does see her as one of our own, although it's a double standard because he wouldn't put up with the same crap from one of the other kids. We've already had a major blow up over the baby gift. We agreed that we were going to get something that she needs and will use, but he spent twice as much as I thought he should. There were versions from the same company available for half the price. His arguement is that if we were buying it for our daughter, this is the one we would have choosen so....

OH, my

You are really between a rock and ....well you know the rest.

The difficult part is your husband. This girl needs a piece of tough reality right between the eyes. Truly I would say that it is time for that reality to occur. I know your husband is having difficulties right now with his back so otherwise, I would say let HIM take care of her and the baby if he feels she needs a family now.

With the baby in the hospital, you've got a little time to think about things. Perhaps you could reason with your husband and try to make him see that it's the baby you should be thinking about and you guys can't raise another child and who knows if the mother is going to straighten up and when. Decisions must be made with the child's long term welfare at heart. I would hate for you guys to begin something that would have to be changed.

It's a tough situation. Is there any mention of the father? Is the father Native American? Does the tribe have anything to say about this?

What a mess. Hang in there.

AAAAA I think you need to address this issue with everyone who decided to disrespect you. Your daughter NEVER should have told this girl that your going to babysit. I know about the ronald mcdonald house. My ex's brother had to stay there when there baby was born real early. They are very nice to you, and she can go stay there. You know I'm all for helping kids, but if they keep on repeating the same mistakes after the fact, then it's time for a rude awakening. When they are that age I guess they figure they can do whatever. They just fail to realize there is consquences for there poor behavior. If it was me, I would have a family meeting and tell them she needs to go. It would be something different if she was trying to do the right thing, but she's not. Why enable her. I would be so pissed at the fact that she just had a baby, and here she is out getting drunk, high, whatever she's doing, and just leaving the baby up there. If you start babysitting it's a good chance that you might end up raising this child. She wants to be grown, so let her be grown.

There is no mention of the father of the baby, he is not Native American and he does not live in the area. Idk if the mom has registered to make this baby a member of the tribe yet or not. I imagine that she has because someone has to pay the medical bills and she has only ever had a part time job.

I don't believe this particular tribe is as proactive as some I'm familiar with. The Paternal grandmother was Native American, thus Amy's and some of her siblings on her mother's side are also members. Amy's older sister Ally (on mom's side) has had four children, all removed from her care by the state within their first year of life. I was very surprised that the Tribe did not step in at that point and take over care of these children. I do know that Ally had registered the children with the Tribe because of the financial incentives, the eldest of the four was placed with Ally's father (who is not NA and not Amy's father) and he gets the benefits and that child is doing well. The other three have been placed with various family member's of the various fathers.

My husband really does love Amy as if she were his child. I confess that has caused some problems. She was very difficult to live with and I did not like it a bit when he "took her side" for lack of a better term. For example she borrowed one of the twin's laptops (without asking) and left it laying on the floor when we were doing renovations. Hubby nearly stepped on it and scolded the owner of the laptop for being careless. When it was discovered that it was Amy that left it out, he said nothing to her. She did it again the next day, there was a fight between the owner of the computer and Amy. Hubby scolded our son for being selfish. I was absolutely irritated beyond measure. We gave Amy a laptop, she didn't take care of it and it was stepped on and shattered. The owner of the laptop made in my opinion a very valid arguement that he did want her using his things when she didn't take care of them.

I guess that is the foundation of my dislike for Amy. Anything she wanted to use she did and if that resulted in the property being ruined, oh well, it wasn't hers anyway.

Hubby does have a valid point that we have the opportunity here to make a difference in the baby's life. He's absolutely willing to take care of her (baby). He's always been a hands of father and is perfectly capible of doing so. I know it is his hope that I'll fall in love with her. But what if I do and Amy decides just to take off yet again?

I've always been that person "oh you need a free babysitter..." and I don't usually mind. I love kids and usually the people that I've helped are greatful for the help and I get to have these wonderful children in my life.

I did stand up and make an absolute statement that she was not moving back in here when it was hinted when she said she was moving back. You know, daughter's gone, empty room etc.

What REALLY makes me angry is that I feel guilty. Guilty for saying I don't like this young woman and I don't want her back in my life.

The fact that she's out playing business as usual when her newborn is in the NICU confirms, in my opinion, that she just doesn't understand what it means to be a mother. I know she didn't have any responsible role model growing up. I'd hoped that once she held her child for the first time that bond would kick in and the maternal instinct as well. Again, I know I'm being judgemental, but hubby argued "she's young, she doesn't know any better." I reminded him that when we were Amy's age, we had two children.

AAAAA I had my first child when I was 17. I had both of my boys by time I was 20. Three kids at 20, and I took care of them. My mother passed when I was only 15. My dad wasn't much involved. I'm not saying what your doing is wrong. I'm just saying that it's time for her to grow up, and start being responsible. She's very lucky to have a family like yours, and yet she is taking advantage of you, and your family. Now if someone came in my house and let something get destroyed then I'm going to be upset. She is not a baby, and she knows right from wrong. If you and your husband want to raise her baby that is really wonderful. If it were me, because your worried about her taking off with the baby, then ask her if you can adopt the baby. I'm sorry for being kind of rude about the girl, but I get hot when I see kids mistreated. I really think that it is wrong how that innocent little baby is fighting for it's life, and here the mother is out doing GOD knows what.

I would really be shocked if she was doing drugs, I know she drinks from time to time but her mother was a meth and crack addict and that was one of the things that destroyed their relationship.

I don't believe that she is at all interested in having us adopt her child. She just wants us as those stand by, fill in people that when doesn't want the responsibility of being a mom, she knows that the baby will be safe and happy with us. She's 22, so it's not like she's a teen.

I think Vickie's right, she needs a dose of reality. She's always just bumped through life doing whatever it is that she wants to at the moment, never really caring about the future. When she left our house she moved in with other friends her own age. After six months there they demanded that she either contribute to the household bills or move out. She moved with another friend about 4 hours away. When that friend got tired of supporting her she moved on to the next.

When she found out she was pregnant, everyone asked her what she was going to do. She replied simply "have a kid of course". But what are you going to do? Having a child requires a permanent dwelling, some stability etc.

So the same group of friends that she lived with when she moved out of here came up with the grand plan she'd move back here since Mr. Wonderful that was all for her having a baby decided he wanted to go back to his previous relationship. Our house was briefly mentioned, but my daughter knows me well enough that that suggestion was taken off the table. I suggested that she move onto the reservation. They have extremely nice homes and she wouldn't have to worry about things like utility bills and such because it is all provided for her.

She really does have so many opportunities available to her, they would actually pay her to get her diploma. Give her parenting classes, child care, better public transportation etc.

Right now she's living in a tiny three bedroom 1970s trailer with her grandmother and father. The only steady income in the house is the granmother's SS benefits. Her father has never held down a full time job.

I do feel sorry for her knowing the only stability in her life has been with us. But my problem was/is that she hasn't taken advantage of this opportunity to make her life better, do know what I'm saying? We tried to give her a hand up, but she was only looking for a hand out. But she's an adult now and responsible for her own choices. I truly hope and pray that she pulls her head out of her butt and gets some sense of direction for the sake of her daughter.

i think it is very cool that you've taken in people over the years. i'm sure that is not an easy thing to do so kudos to you. it sounds like your husband doesn't realize that you'd be enabling this woman if you took her and her baby in as is. she'd probably totally take advantage of you and go off doing her thing while you two raise the child and you'd be left with a lot of resentment, things would then get bad between all of you, and then she'd pack up and leave either with or without the child. you could ask your husband how would she learn to be responsible if she has you two to always be there to step in and caretake? an alternative would be to take her in but require very strict boundaries like she'd have to work x number of hours at a job, you'd only babysit for her socializing x number of hours a week, etc. etc. and if she didn't live up to it she'd have to leave. or, if you're at all open to just taking the child and adopting it then you could suggest that instead. it is ok to just say no to all of this but i'm guessing you will feel a bit guilty. who wouldn't? you're having to be the bad guy. other options are offering to help her make arrangements to live on the reservation or elsewhere...as long as you don't think they'll all collude to convince you to change your mind and let her move in. if that is the case then let her figure out her own life. she could give the baby up for adoption which could be a good idea if she can't take care of the child.

since your daughter is the one who volunteered you to babysit i think she should be the one to tell this young woman she spoke without checking with you first and it isn't really an option. that is really your daughter's mistake to rectify so let her do it and she'll be more careful in the future not to volunteer you.

AAAA

To what tribe did her mother belong?

I do think I will bring this up to my husband as an enabling issue. Again to be clear, she really doesn't want us to adopt the baby, just be the grandparent type figures "here mom take the kid while I..." My daughter volunteered me because I've done this many times in the past for family, friends and acqaintances alike. It would not be out of character for me to do this at all, to volunteer myself. Her line of thinking I imagine was "you do it for everyone else, and Amy is part of the family, why wouldn't you do it for her."

My very issue with Amy is her lack of boundaries. When her sister was pregnant with her third child she returned to town with the father of that baby who did do drugs and hung out with people I did not want in my home. I not only had Ally here but her boyfriend as well. When they weren't here, they were calling my 16 year old daughter to run them all over like a taxi service. In this state driving priviledges are tiered, it was not legal for my daughter to drive with more than one non-sibling in her car. There was complete and utter lack of concern that by asking her to do these things my daughter's driving could/would be removed if caught doing this.

In this case attitude goes a long way. I did not want to like Ally, there is no excuse in this day and age for having baby after baby knowing that you are unable to care for them. She had issues to be sure, but I really didn't mind her being here once I got to know her. She was polite, picked up after herself and was pleasant to be around. If she wasn't with such an incredible loser she would have been welcome here indefinately.

I am tired of being the bad guy just because I don't want to be taken advantage of yet again.

((AAAA))) no one should be taken advantage of.
Maybe the tribe would step in and care for the baby as The baby is who i am worryed about.
imo it sounds like at some point that baby is going to need help. I know its not your responsablity. But the tribe may help as i said
best wishes to you

AAAAA, she did have a responsible role model when she was growing up. She had YOU. And you have no reason whatsoever to feel guilty about expressing your opinion about taking her in. That's the way you feel about it and you are entitled to your opinion. She was being held to a different standard than your children and she knew it and was taking advantage of it.

As for your husband, he needs to realize that if that girl is to be one of your children, so to speak, she needs to be required to behave in the same manner as one of your children. It is never too late to teach things to people, even if they are 18, 20, 23, 25 or whatever. They can learn and they can change their ways. People adjust all the time. Feelings sometimes take a little time to change but actions and behaviors can change as needed.

I PM'd Kathy the information of the tribe as I don't feel comfortable posting that publically. I don't know why Amy doesn't want to live on the reservation where there are so very many resources there available to her. I am not concerned with Amy abusing the child as such or I would be the first to call social services, fallout be damned.

Perhaps I'm over reacting, but the lack of... maternal instinct, gives me cause for concern. I just cannot comprehend leaving your child in the hospital without being there. Visiting once or twice a week just blows my mind. Who is holding that baby and loving her? I've had a child in the NICU, the staff is excellent but they just don't have the time to give the infant that love and attention that is so needed for her to thrive and recover. Who is being the child's advocate now? When Amy last visited she complained that the nurse in charge of the baby was sick with a cold and did not want her caring for the baby because her immune system is not developed (YEA AMY!) But knowing this, how do you leave the child for several days once again?

(AAAA))))))))))))))))) Im glad you did that, I would not want you to post that info online either. I agree with you totally on that. I should have siad that. sorry.
I was not really thinking abuse either. Neglect was more like it...which is like abuse good greef.
My concern is for what ever reason it sounds like as you said in the beginning she just has not bonded with the baby. That baby is going to need so much Love and care. I could myself never leave a baby.
Please know I think you are a good person and caring. I do not think you are over reacting at all.
I will say a prayer for the baby. Children are so specail. That one is going to need specail care and what a gift that baby is. Im done
(((((((AAAA)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

AAAAA

It could be post-partum depression or even resentment. My aunt suffered from it with my cousin - back then they called it the "baby blues." When I was born, I had to stay an extra ten days in the hospital because of a heart murmur - mom never came to see me. She resented me until the day she died.

She might be taking advantage of you because she knows she's not a member of your family. Even if she's overindulged, it shows she's "different" - an outsider. As beautiful and organized as your family may be, deep down she knows she hasn't inherited any roots of strength or "family pride" from you. She knows you won't "crawl through the mud" for her, as a mother is supposed to do for her child. She knows her baby will never be the "apple of your eye."

She may appear spoiled, but it sounds like she's already had a big dose of reality. Her own family doesn't want her, and her mother committed suicide. My mother attempted suicide often and almost succeeded on numerous occasions. Even if you think you hate your mother, that act will definitely mess with a kid's head because deep down there IS love. It made me a very angry and rebellious teenager. There are so many young people having babies out of wedlock - or getting married with no clue on what goes along with marriage or maintaining relationships.

I hope that girl will be able to get her act together for the sake of her baby. It would be even more painful for her if that baby is taken away from her.

Oh I know the death of her mother greatly affected her. Even though she had no contact with her mother for many many years and never had a good word to say about her, I know that cut her deeply. It was sadly compounded by that idiot woman leaving suicide letters for her daughters upon her death. They were so vile that the police refused to release them. They did allow Amy's father to read the one left for her and that fool told her some of the content. I'm telling you these people should never have been allowed to have kids.

I am a very affectionate person. I know that there are people out there that can be excellent parents without being openly affectionate. My uncle married such a woman, but I always felt sorry for my cousins (who were much younger than myself) because although their mother was fair and just, the just didn't get the cuddles and love that I think children need. Since I babysat for them every day, I gave them that love. I have no doubt my Aunt loved her children, she just expressed it in a different way.

I have no doubt that Amy will not neglect this child to the extend that it is legally defined as neglect. Again, if that were to occur I would not hesitate to call CPS in a second.

I also know I'm going to cave, as soon as she calls and says "mom will you watch the baby" I will not be able to refuse her. Before she had the baby she made a comment about us taking the baby every other weekend. This was something that I thought was a joke because at the time I said "sure, I'll take the baby, you take the three dogs". She brought it up to my husband right after moving back to town. When she brought it up to me and I discussed this with my husband I realized that the girl was serious. Don't get me wrong, if my husband volunteers to watch the baby, HE'LL watch the baby. ';?The stress this has added to my life already over little things like the baby gift and baby shower really makes me dread what path we're on now.

My love for children is absolute and unconditional. In my view they are little bundles of love place on this earth for us to love. They are innocent and should be treasured. This baby in all reality could be the apple of my eye. But in this situation, I am the outsider. She is this baby's mother, as such I must respect her wishes regarding the child (with the exception of course of abuse).

But I want to thank you guys for helping me work this out. I realize now that my main concern is not really for the health and safety of the baby. We're here for her and Amy knows full well that I don't play around when it comes to kids.

As selfish as it is, I really resent that this has already caused issues with my husband and I really don't know what to do about that. The very quality that made me fall in love with him to begin with, his ability to love unconditionally and his devotion to those he loves is really being a thorn in my side right now. He's right, Amy and her baby have the greatest need right now and if that cramps our style we'll just have to deal with it. But this doesn't mean I have to like it.

Ugh, yeah, the "these people" kind of bothers me. My mother did the exact same thing to me. Are you saying she shouldn't have been allowed to have kids? Alcohol abuse, broken homes/relationships, and suicide is not a cultural thing.

"These people" means exactly that, I am talking about two specific individuals that were either unwilling or unable to provide even the most basic postive home environment. I don't know where you pulled that cultural inferrence from, but that is your issue not mine. I have no idea what your mother did to you, but I am not she so that comment was lost completely on me.

Amy's mother happens to be Native American, her father happens to be Polish. Neither, in my opinion, affect their ability to be parents. Her mother happened to have a knack for picking absolute losers to have children with, I don't see a pattern regarding their race, culture, or religion.

My husband also happens to be Native American and is by far the best father I have ever met. I do not believe that has anything to do with his genetic or cultural heritage but because he is a kind, loving, responsible human being.

Not everyone can be a parent. It has nothing what-so-ever to do with culture, race, social-economic status, education, religion, sexual orientation or what ever other blanket generalization out there.

And for the record, no I do not think that either of them should have been allowed to have kids. And between the two of them they had 11. When they did, it is my opinion that SOMEONE should have stepped in and removed them from their care to give those kids a fighting chance. I don't care if that someone was the Tribe in the case of the mother or the state in the case of the father. Amy is the youngest of the 11. You cannot tell me that no one knew before that time that neither of these people were equiped to care for children.

AAAAA this is very true. It's really sad that no one did step in, because they have really past it to their kids, and now the kids, kids are paying for it. I know that I would be wondering when is the bad cycle going to stop.

I agree. I wish people would take more personal responsibility - be sure they are financially and emotionally prepared for the long haul before they conceive a child. I'd hate for our country to go by the way of China and dictate exactly how many children we can or cannot have - shouldn't be forced upon us either way. Children's Services are already overwhelmed. I'd hate to see our children taken away from us and given to people overseas.

My best friend was a middle child of seven kids. In her words, she was invisible. In her opinion, her younger siblings were neglected. Her father was absent most of the time - working to support all those kids. Her mother was overwhelmed and had no time to give any of her children real personal attention. Fortunately for them, they were able to work things out before my friend died (Hodkins disease). Her mom and dad were there for her in her final days.