How do I trust my boyfriend again?

Hi all,

I guess I am really in need of some clarity and advice. My boyfriend and I have been together a little over 2 years. First, let me say we met over the internet and this started out as a long distance relationship. We met at a time when we were both going through some really hard times in our lives. We started out as friends and we ended up becoming really close which led to a relationship. We both feel that we helped each other to be able to move on with our lives.

We dated online for quite some time before moving in together. My problem is over the course of these 2 years, he has done things to really make me question my trust and if I should even trust him. Over our many phone calls before, I guess you could say he shared too much information about his past. Things I really didn't need to know. Him getting drunk, making out with girls, etc. This was the first red flag I guess you could say that made me start wondering about the type of person he was. He said that that was when he was younger and he hasn't been that person in years. That he was now more mature and no longer wanted that lifestyle. I, not being one to condemn someone for their past, let it go.

Problem is, it did sort of put a not so rosey picture of him in my head anymore. My boyfriend is very good to me. He will go out of his way to make me comfortable. He is working hard to create a better life for me, him and our soon to be child. And I appreciate everything he does.

But, I have totally lost trust in him and it is beginning to destroy me and this relationship. When we first moved in together, after some time I started getting that "something doesn't feel right" feeling. That he was hiding things and that I was living with someone who was 2 different people. After 5 months or so, I finally started checking up on him. Which is something I said I would never do in a relationship. Trust is very important to me. He started being later getting home from work almost nightly. Only 30 minute to an hour or so, but the fact that it was nightly started concerning me. Once he said his work was closing 30 minutes later, so I finally decided to check. It was a lie.

I then found myself checking his cell phone. I found in one days time numerous calls to other girls, from him and to him. Text messages as well. All this while he was supposedly at work. When we met, he had mentioned to me he had alot of female friends, which I honestly didn't have a problem with. As long as I trusted him, and they were just friends, no harm done in my opinion. But these calls were from girls I had never heard of. People he had neglected to tell me about, which really concerned me. I did confront him later on, and he said they were just friends and that I was being jealous and ridiculous.

Thing is, after this, I felt completely betrayed. Even if they were honestly just friends, the fact that he hid these female friends and was emailing, texting and calling all these women I have never heard of, hurt me and still hurts me deeply. I have tried so hard to trust him again. I really do love him. I want really badly for this relationship to work, but without trust, you can't.

Seems everytime I start to trust him a little again, I find something else. A few months ago I found in our new house tons of pictures of him with other girls. And I don't mean a few pictures of him with ex girlfriends. I'm talking over 100 pictures of him with other women, old love letters, cards, everything. This of course really hurt me. When confronted, he said he didn't know he still had all of those. I found that hard to believe considering the fact that we had recently moved and we had went through everything.

Now, I have became extremely untrusting of him and have seemed to turn into a jealous person. Something I hate. Where he works, he is alone quite often with another female employee. Things like this would not used to bother me. Now, I am starting to wonder if anything is going on with him and this girl. The thoughts that come into my head are horrible relating to him and this girl. It's got to the point I accuse him of it. We will get along great for a while, then we will have a blowup, and it all has revolved around this trust issue.

This is damaging our relationship badly, if it isn't already to late. I no longer know what to do or think. My brain tells me it's time to end it. I don't trust him, it's broken and we are only hurting each other at this point. We have tried to break up a few times, and it's been hard for both of us. Although now, I see it happening soon unless something changes fast.

In my heart, I just want so badly to be able to move past all this and trust the man I love again. And also the man who I truely feels does love me. Is it possible? How do you trust again?

I'm really at a loss as to what to say here. On the one hand, I am a firm believer if there is smoke, there's usually a fire somewhere. On the other you mention a soon to be child. I know I was VERY hormonal when I was pregnant and that can really mess with your emotions.

I guess all thinks concidered, I'd let him know exactly what's bothering you. You know he's late and has lied about where he is. See where he goes from there. There could be a perfectly logical explanation for everything. The fact he lied gives me cause for concern. But then again, if this is his first child, he can be dealing with some emotional issues himself and not want to own up to it.

Without trust a relationship cannot survive. Is he willing to tolerate you checking up on him to rebuild that trust?

I can relate to you. I had a similar problem with trust & communication & the like with my current boyfriend. I was interested in growth & communication & change in our relationship, while he would avoid talking about simple things like his daily life for fear of being judged. Of course, this may not be your man's core problem, but the point is that you & your boyfriend should be enthusiastic & comfortable talking about anything and everything....& most of all, he should feel comfortable voluntarily offering information about whats going on in his life. If you're discovering he's failing to do that [that lovely cell phone helped me discover my boyfriend's dishonesty, too] then he's certainly hiding something. Either he is physically or emotionally cheating, or he's just afraid to tell you about things going on for one reason or another which indicates he's having trouble communicating his needs to you.....Either way, you ought to confront him & be honest about your concerns [& provide evidence of the "ethical" things that wouldn't freak him out]. If he brushes it off, keep checking out his phone, see if anything comes up, & if something blatantly suspicious comes up, then confront him about that new evidence. It may be self incriminating but it may force him to see the reality of the situation.

You two clearly need more time to develop the real life relationship more, since I'm sure the dynamic has certainly changed since it stopped being over the internet & you two got to see each other & interact in a totally different light, especially moving in together.......:\ I'm really sorry it turned out like this. It takes time to get to know people once you start to actually be "with" them in real life. :\:\:\

Hi AAAAA and Emily, and thanks for your replies. I really do appreciate it because sometimes it is so hard when you are in the situation yourself to see the truth. Others can see what you can't.

To clarify a little bit more, we dated online for quite some time. Close to a year. We met and it went well. I was very nervous, but it was so weird. I felt like I had known him forever. We have now lived together close to 1 1/2 years. While we dated online, we did share everything. We used to talk to each other about anything and everything. It was what brought us so close. To the point of taking it farther than just an online, long distance relationship.

I honestly don't know what happened to change that. He had been the one pushing for us to take it to the next level. To the point that one time he broke up with me because I wanted to take more time to work on myself before getting seriously involved. As I stated in my previous post, we met at a time when we both had been going through some bad things in our lives. I could see his point, because it was long distance, so we rarely actually physically saw each other, so either it was time to move forward or end it. So he ended it. We ended up getting back together a week or 2 later. Not long after I did end up moving to give this relationship a chance.

It was then when things changed. Instead of the open and honest person I had known all this time, he became very secretive. As I said, it felt to me I was living with 2 different people. The man he portrayed himself to be to me, but that he was someone else away from me. Things just felt off. His phone especially he has always treated as something sacred. Like it's hands off. And I don't mean by me looking in it. But to the point he always gave me the impression that it really bothered him if it rang for example, I should never dare answer it or even look to see who is calling. That was the feeling I got and still get.

Thing is, I hate checking up on him. It makes me feel horrible. I honestly haven't even done this very often. At the same time, that is also a bit of the scary part. The few times that I have, I have always found out things. He keeps his phone locked most of the time now and if it isn't locked, he has already deleted or erased text messages, call log, etc. He tells me to go ahead and check his phone, but he knows it's now pointless. He has erased everything.

I am now almost 5 months pregnant. I find this to be a miracle because I didn't think I could even have children. I just recently turned 35. I have always believed everything happens for a reason. Good or bad. I have been through alot of tragedy in my life, as have alot of others. And that belief is what has got me through alot of it. This is a high risk pregnancy and I'm scared and happy at the same time. My boyfriend is thrilled that we are going to have a baby.

I just feel so lost and confused where this relationship is concerned. On the one hand, I am with this man who can be the sweetest, most loving and caring person I have ever been with. He treats me like a queen most of the time. Because this is a high risk pregnancy, there are times I don't feel well and he cooks for me, helps clean the house, things like that, even just after coming home from work. I appreciate those things and those little things, are what tells me he really does love me. I do feel that.

But then on the other hand. It seems there is this other person. The one that used to be the player. He does seem like the flirty type. And this has always concerned me. He keeps in touch with alot of women. Way too many in my opinion. If these were longtime friendships, I would see this differently. But even just the people he works with. They text each other, ect. From what he tells me now, he is no longer in touch with alot of these people. The way I see it, if these were just innocent friendships, why did he need to hide these people from me? Sneak around behind my back texting, emailing and calling them? This makes me believe that no matter how much I want him to be, and no matter how good he can be to me, that I am quite possibly not with a faithful man. And this hurts badly. It's hard for me to understand that when he makes me feel loved the way he does.

I have tried talking to him about this. Just even last night and this morning as well. He doesn't want to fully believe trust is my problem with him. He is one of those people who believes he can do no wrong. He's Mr. Perfect. He wants to continue to just believe that I have no reason to feel the way I do and just keeps saying I am a jealous person. I think I have reasons to question his faithfulness to me at this point. But he doesn't think so. I told him this morning that either I need to find a way to trust him again, or there is no way this is going to work. That I love him and badly want this to work out, but it is torture for me to feel this way, and it also isn't fair to him for me to be now accusing him quite often of cheating. He didn't say much, just said he was sad. Still seeming to refuse the reality as to why there is a problem in this relationship. He keeps going around the real problem and saying there are other reasons why I feel the way I do. Not because of anything he did.

At times we have discussed this problem and he has said he will do anything to gain my trust back. That he loved me and could not stand to lose me. He wants us to be a family. I was finally starting to get over the whole thing and starting to trust him again when I came across all the pictures I mentioned before. I found them while unpacking after our move. I felt yet again, completely betrayed. I felt if this man was truely committed to me, he would not have kept all these things. If it had just been a few pictures of him with an ex, I would have let it go. But it was just so many, and so many different women, and some of the pictures were provocative even. Again, that horrible image of this person came back in my head. And I've been having a very hard time letting it all go. I just don't know what to think or do. I want a good and loving home for my baby. That means alot to me. I believe he would be a great provider and great father, but how can it go on like this? I need the trust. It is the most important thing. And this is something I told him a very long time ago. How do you move past things like this and go on to trust, love and be happy again?

Wow, a person that is not willing to admit mistakes cannot learn and grow. In my opinion, it's not really the mistakes you make in life that matter, it's how you deal with them.

Wow! You have all these red flags in front of you...you say that this situation is torture. You are right. It is torture. I do not think there is a person on this board who would beg to differ with me on that. I am so sorry you are having to go through this, especially with the baby and the high risk situation. I am familiar with high risk pregnancies and stress puts it at a higher risk. I also agree with you and other posters that where there is no trust, love will fail to thrive. As far as being jealous, i would say that it is a normal response in your situation. I would gather your support network together...including us here on the board and start leaning. There is one thing i thought of as i read your post, i thought about how you met him and your current source of jelousy...the txt messages, the legion of different women in the photos. These 2 things stood out...then they started to overlap. I came up with a relization...what if, not too long ago there was someone else who loved him and got jelous over a txt message to him from you? You need to find out what is really going on here and stop walking on eggshells around his privacy. When and if you decide to find out. Go back to source again...you met online...where? Is he still part of that site, similiar sites? What takes priority, his privacy or the health of you and your unborn child? I wish i could offer you more support. I am not not trying to create more doubt, just trying to offer ways for you to find out one way or another, because you deserve to know. It has been said that there is no man worth going through this kind of hurt, and the one that is, will never hurt you. Please keep posting, update us if you will. You can find a lot of healing here.

This is what I would do. Tell him to take the block off the phone. If he won't then that would tell me something. I'm not sure if you can drive yourself or not, but I would follow him. I would just do it maybe once or twice just to see if he's lying.I think that you should go with your gut feeling on this. If you do follow him to see if he's at work, just don't tell him. Some people might not agree with me, but I would need to know. I wouldn't talk to him about it anymore, and I would find out for myself. And as far as that picture thing goes, that sounds a little throwed off to me. If anything why would he want to keep a provocative picture of his ex's. That is disrespectful to you. I would tell him that he needs to do something with those pictures, or I'm going to do it for you.

wow....i feel for you....i know it's a nightmare to have trust issues...infidelity is horribly traumatic...i think in my case, it has traumatized me beyond repair...i wonder if i will ever trust again....lately i have been thinking how much i wish i could go back and try harder to prevent putting myself in a position to be betrayed...i had no idea how hard it would be to deal with and how much damage it would do to me...

i really hope that you find out that it is innocent...my husband doesnt erase his texts and has let me check his phone whenever i feel the need to to alleviate my fears...he was willing to do this for me.....maybe you could talk about this with him and see if you could start to rebuild your trust there.......it's a start...

In this case it doesn't seem like you're the one that needs to do anything or change. If he is doing these things then its not 'how to trust him' it's 'can i trust him' and from your post i would have to say no, you can't. but that's just me.