public self-pity

Recently, this guy I reallly like (who is also a good friend informed me that I have too much self pity. I do. I constantly whine about myself and how pathetic I am and beat myself up in public. Even though I know not to do it, I can't stop. I get in situations and start rambling about how stupid I am or how fat I am, etc... and don't realize I am doing it until later. I am glad my friend commented on it . Others have said things to me but I never cared before until now. I don't want the guy I like to see me in that way. I cannot hold a conversation with someone without pitying myself. Please someone help me. People are beginning to shy away from me and I can't help but wonder if it's because I am so miserable to be around. No one wants to hear my crap and I know that but I still can't break the habit.

Hello, Alliecat, and WELCOME! If you think it would help, why don't you practice more positive affirmations about yourself with us. We all get down on ourselves and say self-depricating things from time to time, (in fact, I did it in a big way today), but we can, in essence, 'fake it til we make it' as they say. The problem is that for as much as we may say negative things about ourselves to others, we say it even more to ourselves, and that's where the real damage can be done. People are going to believe what we tell them about us, especially if we say it often enough, so why not highlight the positive rather than the negative? I know that we say these things ultimately to receive the affirmation that we are OK that we so desparately seek, but, you know, even when it comes, if we don't believe it about ourselves, we often don't accept the compliments, assurances, & positive reinforcement anyway, and then others react by thinking "why doesn't she believe what I say is true," etc.. I hope you'll stay around and maybe we can 'practice'. I'll start. Today I went outside of the house for the first time in over two months, and I feel proud of myself for doing that. I received a lot of kindness and support here, it helped, and I am really grateful for it." Ok, your turn... Warmest regards, Peanut

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT </font color=blue>

Thanks for the quick reply and good job with your strength to go out. There is a lot of beauty in this world that shouldn't be missed. Nature is a wonderful gift given to us and I hope you go out and enjoy it some more!
Honestly, I had a rough day feeling sorry for myself. I did smile alot though (forced) and I met some new people and made myself talk to them. That's a big step for me b/c I am really shy in new situations. Especially since I felt so out of place today.

Another idea is to try to keep the conversational focus off you and onto your friends or other topics. This can be hard to do, but might help ease your burdon a bit.

Heyy! Way to go! I know how hard it is to do the opposite of what you feel like doing... I've often heard if you can make yourself do it, you'll make yourself feel the way you act.... maybe it will work for you. Another thing I think is to acknowledge your feelings, but maybe in a journal, private and away from others...if you repress them they can make you pay all at one time later... be sure to add good things too, no matter how small, be genuine.. any little good thing you reward yourself for is a seed.... what's that old hippie saying? Grow your own garden Spend time in private when you can reinforcing the good stuff.. just mentally pat yourself on the back, toast yourself with an imaginary glass of champagne, throw a little congratulations party just for you, really feel it.... maybe you have pretty eyes, a nice smile, a cute nose, maybe you're kind to strangers and old people.. let yourself feel good because you are good

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but rising every time we fall." Confucius

I think I act this way more when I am lonely..which I am very much right now. I can't figure out how to be happy with myself alone. I always need reassurance from friends.

((((((((((((((((alliecat)))))))))))))

It is so important you try to feel good in private... after all, even when with someone else, your self-image is a private part of you.. it's just easier to practice and create when you're alone.

I've struggled with it for years, that's something I wish someone had told me way back when. It's important to remember everyone has faults... yours are no worse than anyone elses, and probably you have many great qualities if you allow yourself to become personal with them.
It really helped me to think that maybe I don't have the looks or personality I wish I had, I might never make it as a pop icon, but what I had was good enough to be friends with, with the right people.... I'm sure the same is true for you.. Do be careful about your friends, I know being lonely can lead to bad choices, please don't let it happen to you... the best friends are those who make you feel good about you... not just BS supporting you, but prop you up, tell you the good things about who you are, truthful things, not crap that is sometimes just a way of getting what they want or need... These people are special and rare, but so much better in the long run than running with people who can't give love and kindness without strings.... you deserve the best.. let yourself have it... the best is not the most expensive, it's what makes you feel the most valuable.. hang in there, it takes time... I know you want it now, at least that's how I am, but please choose to be good to you.......... Heathers post "choices" in depression is a very good way to start.. you are more than welcome to join us whenever you like... so many here love to help, and I think you have much you could offer too... it's a great way to get a little confidence going.... take care

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but rising every time we fall." Confucius

Alleycat, you've gotten some pretty good advice here. Just in case you have trouble coming up with something positive about yourself, which many of us do at one time or another, here is something to help you start.

"Today I will stop looking at myself through the distorting dark glasses of self-criticism. Instead of focusing only on my defects, I will look at myself in the light and accept myself for the wonderfully complex being that I am. And just maybe, this is how others will see me, too."

"Today I will say no to the broken records of fear from the past. I will say yes to the innocent curiosity within me; yes to the path of growth and discovery and joy."

Repeat these in the morning when you wake up and repeat them when you feel yourself start to pity yourself. You could even write them out and read them to yourself whenever.

<font color=blue>This above all: To thine own self be true. --Shakespeare</font color=blue>