self pity (its not pretty)

i've rehearsed this post over and over again in my head coz im so afraid to be put down or not accepted, people to think im a pain, in the way...im only looking at a computer screen at home on my own but im blushing...its stupid. somedays it seems all i feel is the urge to cut, to get rid of what i feel inside. to look in the mirror somedays is a mistake i hate what i see from bottom to top, side to side. i seem to spend everyday thinking people must just be keeping up appearences, teachers, friends, family just wanting, wishing i would go away so they could stop being fake 2 me. i know this is paranoia but it feels so real..... i dont think cutting is my only issue food and me is not something i like to talk about, sometimes the feeling is just to throw it all up again but i havent given in yet...im sorry to say all this to a load of strangers but i needed someone, even just one person to listen to me but its a pretty sad state of affairs when the only people who could listen to me are over the internet and could live millions of miles away, i just dont know where to go to look for support anymore.
im so sorry. xxx

It's easier for a lot of us to reach out on the internet than in person. That's how it is for me anyway. You've come to the right place because we have been through the same things and we understand those feelings. You are accepted here. Glad you came and felt comfortable enough to talk about it. Go ahead and read through the posts here and you will know that you are not alone.

I have decided not to look at cutting, eating problems, etc. as problems. Those are the ways we deal with things, and maybe there are better coping methods out there to find, but what we are doing helps us.

You are not a pain, especially not here, and if you need to talk we're here for you. You are welcome to PM me if you want to, or try the chat room, or keep posting on this board. Whatever you are comfortable with.

<font color=purple>"The real problem of mental life is not why some people become insane, but rather why most avoid insanity." -Erich Fromm</font color=purple>

Don't be sorry and it's not just self pity. Your struggling and it's nice to have someone to talk to even if we are a million miles away. We are as close as right in front you you if you can see it that way.
This is a great site full of caring, concerned people who have the same feelings as you and are going thru problems.

I am not a cutter so I can't relate to that. There are people who are here and they may be able to help you with some of your thoughts and feelings. Maybe even just reading thru some of the old posts will help you realize your not alone.

I can relate to hurt, fear, not feeling good enough and alot of other things.

Don't feel stupid or bad about coming here. We are all here because we need some help, someone to understand, someone to talk to and alot of us are searching for answers.

Please come back and talk with us.
Heidu

The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it.
John Ruskin

I'm glad you found this place, Saving_Grace...WELCOME!! Warmest regards, Peanut

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue>

Grace--
So sorry that you are hurting so badly right now. I hope that you feel free to share your feelings here.
I'm not sure what advice to give or what to say, but I can only say that I've been were you are and let me tell you it can get better.
I wouldn't obsess so much or worry about people being fake to you; it seems to me as maybe everything seems fake right now. Fake is not the right word--not concrete maybe--
take care of yourself and hope to hear from you again soon

moonlight

<font color=purple> Whatever you can do, or believe you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.
Goethe </font color=purple>

Welcome Saving........you're not stupid or a pain. Like everyone has said, we are a great group and would like to help in whatever way we can.

I understand what you are going thru with cutting. Personally today I spent the whole day wanting to cut while I was at work - I even imagined myself doing it at my job - just to release the stress/pressure I feel inside. I wonder half the time why people are nice to me as well - obviously I don't see what they do.

You aren't alone. How often do you cut and how deep? Have you talked to anyone like a therapist? If you need someone to talk to, just send me a message, and we'll chat.

Please keep coming here and let us help.

Mary Alice

Hey there, sorry so long until I replied. Had to take a time out. I think that what struck me most is how you speak as if you are ashamed of reaching out to us "strangers". That is how it was for me at the beginning. I felt like such a heap because I had no one at all that I could tell any of this too. But you know what? I shouldn't have felt that way, neither should you. This is a starting place. It is a practice ground. It is somewhere safe to begin the road that is so hard to travel. There is no shame in that. No shame in taking a deep breath and summoning the courage to spill your guts out for maybe the first time then finding a way to scoop them back up and put them back inside. This is major work you are doing. It is only the beginning. When I first started coming here I never imagined that today I would be sitting in a room full of living people telling them what I was feeling and being able to see their reactions to my words. When I first started coming here I would have had a nervous breakdown just trying to get to a support group meeting. But here I practiced. Here I learned that it is ok to say these things that hurt us. It is ok to let it out. It isn't the end of the world if someone else knows that I cut, or sometimes feel like I am crazy. Anyway, always remember this is only the beginning and to begin a journey like we are on takes a lot of courage.
Take care,
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson

thank you all for what you said, i think its gettin past me first then opening up.... i dont see a T and dont think i could, at least not yet, mayb in the future. i am ashamed to an extent and do lack confidence to bother people about myself but im workin on it! this is a first step.
thank you all again, take care xxx

'It's the dance we do... You get lost in it for a little while, but it always ends the same.'