open relationships.

how well do they normally work? i love my girlfriend. things have been going
pretty well for the past few days. we decided to stay home for thanksgiving
and make dinner for just the two of us.

but the day she pulled her little test to see if i would get jealous. i got
volleyball girl's number and we've been texting quite a bit. she's been
real flirty. and a few times she outright asked me to come over so we
could "fool around."

each time ive told her i have a girlfriend. and each time she's said something
to the affect of "so what? we find each other attractive and there's nothing
wrong with that. it's just sex."

ive never cheated. i never will. but i find myself, really wanting to bang this
chick. i thought about bringing up the idea of an open relationship. but the
girlfriend has been so clingy (it's still at the adorable stage, not quite at the
annoying stage yet.) after i passed her little jealousy test. im almost
positive she wouldn't go for it.

the only problem i see is with her, not with me. i mean, i could bone this
chick and still love my girlfriend just the same. it's just sex. but im pretty
sure she would flip out even if i just brought it up.

idk, i just really want to have sex with this chick.

I would hope you would have the decency to finish with your girlfriend BEFORE you do anything with this 'chick'.

Its not fair on her.

I agree with Tishie, open relationships only work when both people involved really want to live that way. You are walking a tight rope, but your desire for the other girl sooner or later is going to invade your relationship, even if you never act on it. The best thing that you can do is make a decision of whether you truly what to pursue a relationship with the one you have, which in this case means sacrifice on your part or if you seek something else. As painful as it is you must be honest with both yourself and the girl you are dating.

Imo> > open relationships don't work. I'v been the 3rd person, its always harmful to the 3rd person, but the 3rd person doesn't get thought of as actually having feelings and being a person rather than sexual object or achievement. The couple have more power and can make the relationship exclusive again when they choose to forgetting the 3rd person and the complicating emotions.

Just to clarify my stance on this, I am not saying they don't work as I know they can its just in this situation I believe someone will get hurt.

The old adage that..."nothing worth anything is free" seems to have some place in this line of thinking.

There will be a price.

The real question is whether you are willing to pay?

With Care,

Lenny

I completely agree. When I think of an "open relationship", I imagine it hurting one of the parties involved eventually. Someones feelings will get stronger which would lead to nothing going right. I would say you have to chose one girl or the other as well. For you it might 'just be sex' and nothing more, but I'm sure that your girlfriend would feel different. On another note--the volleyball girl sounds a bit trashy if she doesn't care you have a girlfriend and blantly admitted to just wanting sex. Although--All this is just my opinion..

If you love your gf and you want to stay with her, there us only one solution. Leave volleyball chick alone. That means stop texting her, and talking to her. If your gf found out that your texting her she would be really upset, and probably call it off with you. This can open up a big can of worms.

I think there is some really good advice above ^. I really have to add that your terms are quite crude ie 'bone', 'bang' etc .... call me old fashioned but it all seems pretty disrespectful to women? Personally I would finish with your current girlfriend if you want to make any moves on volleyball 'chick'. Only my opinion, Ophelia

The only way for an open relationship to work is - both partners happily accept the other or both agree to fool around. They both agree to abandon all jealousy and possessiveness. You can google Polyamorous relationships and see if you both have the emotional qualifications to consider this. I highly doubt your GF is any where near a point where she would agree to this. Personally I think relationships like this are very risky. I think you're a person who wants to fool around, therefore you shouldn't be in a committed relationship. I absolutely abhore women who blatantly try to tempt men away from their committed relationships - they're low class women who don't respect other women. Make sure you're done with your present GF before you run off with the tempest. I also find your post offensive using words like 'bang' and 'bone'. Don't be in any committed relationship or look for a woman who supports polyamory.

sorry but in my opinion there no such thing as an open relationship that works.

"jealousy test, flirty texts, fool around, adorable stage, annoying stage, bone, bang, volleyball chick, it's just sex, idk..."

Jess,

Doesn't exactly sound like recipe for love.
It sounds more like a recipe for disaster -- ala Jerry Springer.

From what I've experienced and seen, open relationships are problematic and painful. It definitely did not work for myself and others involved.

Maybe you're not ready for a relationship with one person right now...perhaps you can explore dating at this point in your life. Hope it all works out for all of you.

I completely agree - this poster shouldn't be in a realtionship at all and make it clear to any woman he's with- that he just wants to be free to have sex with anyone he wants. If you're having superficial contact like this -it is JUST SEX. But if you're in a serious relationship, your girlfriend wouldn't agree you having sex with this girl is - just sex - she will be wounded to the core, so it's not that simple. Break up, if you can't commit to your GF. Have respect for yourself, your girlfriend and this girl have no respect for your girlfriend - shame on her.

jess, try turning it around. how would you feel if you found out sam were texting another guy and it was quite flirtatious and they were talking about having sex? and if she were to propose the idea of having sex with him to you and said it was "just sex". how would you feel if she did this?

i agree with whomever said that relationships do involve sacrifice. if you want to be with sam then be with her and let the other chick go. women aren't playthings jess. neither are we disposable. ask yourself if losing sam is really worth having sex with the other chick.

How well do open relationships work?
From my experience, they rely solely upon 2 things: The maturity of BOTH (or all) involved, and the fact that BOTH partners seek the MUTUAL desire which is to be SHARED.
"Sex" is just that...sex. A physical means of obtaining and releasing sensual pleasure. It's a wonderful thing....So long as those involved share the same. Once it goes beyond the physical act itself, and the emotions become involved, it no longer is "just" sex, it becomes much deeper and intimate. It then is binded by emotion, which then becomes removed from "open" to something which can only be shared in a closed union of love, (which, in my opinion, is then the even more beautiful act of making love).

From the sound of your situation, there is no way in God's name that "open" anything is even remotely close to what you have with your present girlfriend. Because of that fact you can kiss obtaining that fantasy a grand farewell as it will not happen....not with your present girlfriend and certainly not with your (*assuming lack of) maturity.
(*You are clearly on "your own" lust hunt).

One cannot willingly enter a mutually monogamous relationship with intentions of it being as such, but then later down the line, (once confronted with a sexual invitation to your liking), change your mind about how you decide to behave without some serious, painful consequences.

An "open" relationship BEGINS as such: OPEN...from the very beginning. BOTH partners seeking the same mutual desire. There's no surprises later down the path that one has hidden motives, or whatever. That's irresponsible and even more so selfish of whomever hides the truth, (as well as the creator for imminent demise).

Open relationships CAN and DO work. However, it requires absolute mutual trust, safety, and maturity. Without those, keep your fantasies where they belong...in mind.

"the only problem i see is with her, not with me".
I so have to disagree with this statement of yours. You seem to have this backward.
"ive never cheated. i never will"
That statement alone clearly says where you ARE presently with your gf, yet, suddenly, when confronted with this sexual invite, your intentions have clearly stated that it is you who is changing the path you both, (you and gf), have already committed yourself to.

It's true that anything's possible. The fact that if you were to approach your gf and ask her if she'd be interested in trying an "open" relationship, and she'd be willing ...IS possible, (but you're asking her this....why, again? For who's benefit, exactly?).

From the sounds of your descriptions of her, "clingy", "testy", "flip out" (therefore undoubtedly, hella jealous), the chances of obtaining an "open" anything is highly improbable.
And just from your conduct alone in this post...It's more than apparent that you are not approaching this with your gf in mind, whatsoever, (this is clearly about YOUR hormones in high gear), therefore obviously being one-sided, quite selfish, (nothing mutual about this), and definitely a disaster waiting to happen.

And let's just say that your gf IS good with the open idea. You have to ask yourself....Are YOU prepared to accept the fact that she wants to "bone" or "bang" other men?
After all.....this "open" relationship that you would like to have (however convenient it would be for you at the time), means SHE gets her's too, you know. (Open = Mutual?) This "open" isn't just about YOUR lust....She may have some of her own that you aren't even aware of, (let alone capable of dealing with).

Be careful for what you wish/lust for. You just may get it.

**I have to apologize for my bluntness. I don't mean to offend. It's just, there's no beating around the bush here, (no pun intended), due to the fact that this post was quite blunt and offensive to many in its own right, which, in my opinion, has earned the same in return**

Shangrala

im seriously not getting how using the terms "bone" or "bang" is offensive.
it pretty much just means "to have sex." what's the big deal? it's not like i
was using terms to disrespect anyone. i just used them in the context of
"having sex."

"i want to bang that chick" is basically just saying "i would like to have sex
with that female." how is wanting to have sex disrespectful? it's natural to
want to have sex.

other than that i basically got ya guys. ive pretty much given up on the idea
of an open relationship. not talking to volleyball girl. only sexing up the
girlfriend. everyone wins.

Yes, pretty disrespectful, Jess but that sounds like the way you wanted to come across. If you are flirting and thinking about being with another woman, then go, permanently and leave your girlfriend in peace. She doesn't deserve this kind of behavior. Love her or leave her.

Personally, I wasn't offended by your choice of descriptions of wanting sex.
(Your "terms" is slang I've heard ages ago. My brothers & other boys used those when they were in their emotionally pre-developed years, so I associate those terms with those who haven't yet reached maturity), and I take that into consideration.

I don't offend easily. But I can't say that for many other's. (But, ehhh...You'll understand our (member's offended) meanings sometime later in your years).
It's a matter of projecting respect for those you are confronting. You've come here seeking advice yet blatantly offend some in the process.

It would seem to me that for those who have had the concern of responding to you with their assistance, (especially to those who've expressed they were offended), you would at least have the consideration for them in return to offer an apology?
Just a thought.

Good to know that you've decided to "sex up" only the girlfriend, (lol).
You both will benefit from that decision.

Shangrala

I was one of the posters who found your choice of words offensive. I know some men and women can separate the physical act of sex from the emotional connection --this would be 'just sex'. This category of sex would be for people who are uncommitted or polyamorous relationships.

I realize you speak this way because you're young and probably grew up with access to porn etc. I also didn't like the term 'chick' and when used with 'bone that chick', it just sounded so objectifying and disrespectful. There are many different ways of expressing the sexual act and the words you used are completely different than if someone were to say "I want to make love to that girl'. I sometimes wonder if the young men of today's generation even know what it's like to experience, that kind of intense beautiful love making.

When you think of it, what this girl was doing was so insulting and mean to your girlfriend. We're all human and find the opposite sex attractive even if we're committed - but if we have morals and respect for our partner, we never let it go beyond a fleeting thought. How would you feel if your GF had these intense feelngs for some guy - would that be okay for you and would it be 'JUST SEX'.

I really think you need to examine the commitment you have for your GF. If you were intensely in love with her - you wouldn't be dying to have sex with another girl. There's nothing wrong with just having sex with women - IF you're single(not committed). Maybe you need to sow your oats first before you get involved seriously. BTW a person can talk about wanting to have sex, but in a respectful way, especially since this is a public forum with mostly women

idk, according to volleyball girl (and her 90 text messages since this morning.)
i am a tease. i might have entertained the thought of sexing it up with her
for a few days. i never once teased her with the idea of it. in fact, everytime
she tried to steer the conversation in that direction i was quick to point out
that i do have a girlfriend.

90 angry text messages in one day? just because i asked her to stop talking
to me? it's creepy. ive mentioned before that she used to check me out
whenever i would leave the library. but now that i think about it. she used
to check me out every-single-time i left the library. meaning not a single time
went by when she wasn't outside the library when i was leaving.

im not going to assume she is showing stalker-like behavior. i mean, she's a
little too attractive to have to resort to that. but i have been seeing her
outside that library since the beginning of the summer semester.

she's great looking, she could get any guy she wants around campus. (har
har har, except for me i guess. obviously because i turned her down (har
har har, it actually feels pretty good knowing i had the will power to turn
down sex with her.))

idk, her being outside the library alot isn't enough reason for me to suspect
her of being stalker-like. and her sending me 90+ hate-text can probably
be over looked as well. im expecting her to leave me alone any day now.
it's what a normal person would do.

Let her look all she wants. Simple as that.

Block her # if she continues to send hate your way. She'll get over it.

It's more than likely, since she showed no character by attempting to encourage you to be unfaithful, then chances are highly likely that she has an enlarged ego, as well, therefore cannot deal with rejection well...or at all.

So long as you don't play into her head games, all's good.
I have to wonder......Where is your girlfriend throughout all of this?
Just curious.

You're doing both yourself and girlfriend a good thing by placing the chickadee where she belongs...OUT of your life.

Grats..

Shangrala

[quote=Jess Petty;1212472]

Was her intent to make you jelous? Or was this just your reaction to her comunicating with the oposite sex?

And even if she was doing it on pourpous, If you do love her you would not need to get even or return in kind.

but you have and now the resulting flirtation has you imagining an open relationship. Enough to ask a community if it will work.


And speacking about the woman you say you love as being somehow less than you. weeker because she would not stand for it .

If the shoe were on the other foot and you could look over your girl friends shoulder seeing you in this manner and discussing you on a forum .

Would you want to spend one more day being in her company? would you feel loved?

When I saw the toipic I felt anger.

Because it triggered my fear
That it woud happen to me.

I own both emotions.

But it won't happen to me because I'll know to find out

before I ever hold a hand.

Patricia

jess, maybe telling volleyball girl you're sorry if you gave her the wrong impression would help. just apologize and don't make excuses even if you don't think you did anything wrong. that might calm her down. you're turning into a regular soap opera. i'm glad you decided to be faithful to sam.

"turning into a regular soap opera."

psh, tell me about it. college is no different than highschool. no matter what
anyone says. it's just stressful drama. i think im going to take next semester
off, seeing as my parents already forked over the cash for this one im stuck
here.

i haven't even studied all week. too distracted. and i normally study like a
mother ****er. i quit smoking when me and sam got back together. i can't
really ***** about it though. 14 to 19 is only 5 years. my dad quit after
almost 25 years of smoking.

i have class in like 4 hours, so im going to hit the sack. oh and bloom.
i can't exactly apologize because i told her to stop talking to me.if i talk
to her it would set a bad example. she'll get over it. i gave her no real
reason to expect anything from me.

and shangrala, my girlfriend has been around the apartment for most of
this. but she doesn't really know about any of it. she just knows im not
in a good mood. ive known her for a long time so my guess is she will
be happier not knowing about my momentary lapse in common sense.

and if she's happy, so am i.

sorry for bothering you guys so much.

Since you said 'volleyball girl' is attractive, she's not used to rejection and that's why she's throwing a hissy fit. This girl has no morals and would cheat on her own partner in a second. if you're committed to your GF then don't engage in flirty texts with any girl. Send your own girlfriend some flirty messages and keep the passions alive. Volleyball girl has no morals and doesn't respect her own gender. A person should never steal someone's partner. Block her completely and look the other way when you see her. Good for you in making the right choice, you've redeemed yourself here. Stay away from the drama and concentrate on school. That girl would have shredded your girlfriends heart and bruised her soul. My daughter 11 and already the drama's driving me bonkers. Best of luck.